chip

Living a sober life is interesting. Food tastes better. I notice the beauty of nature. Mornings are nice. Feelings are so much stronger....

That's what this thread is about: feelings. The good feelings are great. The bad feelings are not so great.

Getting sober has given me my fist opportunity to gain any real emotional maturity in my aldult life. I drank so much, and so often, it really blanked out much of my feelings. Later, I'd drink to change or numb my feelings. Living life in the haze of an alcoholic obsession leaves little or no room for personal growth.

After years of mind numbing drinking, in sobriety, I've become "Mr. Senstitive". Insults hurt more. It's harder to brush off disagreeable comments. It can be easy to worry too much about my blunders. It's all too easy to interpret something the wrong way, and get upset over it.

Here's a big one: When I drank, I didn't care if people saw me stumble out of the local bar. In sobreity, I can get concerned that people talk about my abstainence behind my back.

Here's another one: Being the only guy who isn't drinking at a party makes me feel vulurnable.

How about this: Some guy steals my seat at my kid's playgym.. and even moves my stuff to take the seat... and I am suddenly feeling all the injustice that I've ever felt my whole life at once.

Can anyone relate?

barb dwyer

Hi Chip -

I can. Relate, that is. I often say 'when we were drunk, we thought nobody noticed, now that we're sober, we think everyone's watching."

I find to my horror - I'm more needy than I've ever been.
When dealing with someone intimately.
I have no idea what to do about it other than work on myself, and own it when it hits. Not try to deny or hide being needy.
Or sad.
Or angry.
Or hurt.

Owning it ... alone ... is challenge enough! LOL

laurie6781

Yep, I first heard when I got sober that we STOPPED growing emotionally when we picked up the booze............................................w ell I was 12, rofl. I figure emotionally I am now at almost 39.

I truly believe that part of the reason many of us drank to begin with is because we are EXTREMELY SENSITIVE people and the the booze numbed the sensitivity.

Oh boy Barb do I remember. What I can say is that is does GET BETTER, MUCH BETTER. Oh yes I still hurt, I still get angry, I still get sad, but thanks to first working the 12 steps and now living the steps, I have learned to WALK THROUGH the emotions. They are part of life.

Great topic Chip!!! I hope there are lots of responses!!!!

Love and hugs,

chip

Somtimes I feel like a skinny, awkward teenager again..trying to fit in. Other times I feel like a frightened little boy, afraid of getting hurt. Often, I crave recognition or affirmation...and my feelings get hurt when I don't recieve it.

Here's a big one for me... I want to feel like "the man". I want to please everyone. I want people to take me seriously. I feel like I've been getting "ripped off", when I'm really getting a good deal (just not as good as I hoped). I feel like I'm being walked on, when this isn't really happening. Sometimes I feel persucuted and I know I'm not.

I really am at an emotional level of a teenager. How's that for needy? Look out world...here comes chip. :puppet:puppet

lostmdboy

I can totally relate. I work in landscaping, and when I do a job I want it so perfect. I n my head I keep saying is it good enough, will they like it, and it keeps going on. I have started leaving one small space untouched to make it imperfect. It usually turns out the costimer does not see any of the imperfections that I so agonized over. I think at least for me it comes down to FEAR. I am driven by what I think other people think. If that is not insanity I do not know what is.

redstuff

Well, I am right there with ya

Music

It's funny what happens when we take the drugs out and start feeling what others have been feeling all along. It's called becomming responsible and fitting into the mainstream of life. It's called being human and sober. Becomming "overly" sensitive is a real possibility though. I had to realize that just because I quit drinking, doesn't mean everyone else has to accept and/or understand what or how I feel. This is why the steps and having a sponsor are so important. I have always needed and still need someone who knows me best, who I'm not related to, and who can be objective enough to tell me what they hear and see, regardless of whether or not it upsets me.

Sugah

chip, I can relate. It's gotten better for me, but oh, boy, I can relate.

Know what I found? That people pleasing aspect of myself, that inability to take criticism, or even, for gawd's sake, the slightest slight -- was all symptoms of my overgrown ego.

I had to pray and meditate on my HP's acceptance of me, exactly as I am, character defects and all, trying my best to do the next right thing but never, ever perfect -- and I prayed for that to be enough. Yes, it's nice to have affirmation from others. It's nice to be told, "Good job," but when I obsess that the moment I turn my back, folks are talking about me, well -- my sponsor informed me that I'm just not that important! Sure, there's gossip and people can be cruel, folks might react to their own inner turmoil by being disrespectful and impolite to others, including me, but to think that I'm always the topic of conversation when I'm not around is huge ego whispering in my ear!

I've gotten over a good bit of it just by laying it down. Checking my motives and doing as thorough a 10th step as I can, committing to the 11th every day. I'm not responsible for the irritability of other folks, and as long as I'm doing my best to keep my side of the street clean, I have better things to do with my time than put myself at the center of someone else's life when I don't belong there (which is rarely ever).

Remember, chip, your HP cares enough about you to help you get and stay sober. That must mean you're pretty well cared for, regardless of what you perceive in the external world, eh?

Keep trudging, brother.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sonny McB

How weird... the other night I was out running. I looked up at the sky and began to admire the beauty of our position in the universe and the things surrounding me. That was also, my 10th day of sobriety.

Rowan

I grew up in a family where I was labeled moody and sensitive. I saw my sensitivity as a terrible flaw. Today, I enjoy being sensitive and vulnerable - I've learned that there are safe people in my life who will accept this about me.
Sometimes, I think too hard and worry too much about what others think, but it's not so bad as it once was. I have a wonderful sponsor who is able to not only commiserate with me, but who is able to help me to see a reality that I wasn't aware of.
I had several things bothering me this morning and felt like I was 'off my game' - after talking to her for a little while, I felt better and was able to see more clearly.
Being sensitive is who I am and that's okay with me today.

chip

I guess the key question for me is: How do I deal with it? Depending on my HP has been the only solution that seems to work. It's alright to feel a certain way...but...it's not alright to act out or overact out on many of them. My HP has helped me with my reactions...and I don't embarass myself as much these days. (thankfuly)

There is a big difference between feelings and reaction. How I choose to react, and make decisions is important. My feelings are private, and they do not need to dictate my life or how I'm going to live it. I know if I let my rampant emotions affect my decision making...I'm headed for trouble. The HP really helps me in this area.
chip

collinsmi

I know what you're talking about and I'm that way too. I listened to a Clancy tape where he was talking about the same thing, and his sponsor replied "you're not sensitive, you're touchy".

When I experience stuff like this, or see how I can help someone, I'm being sensitive.

When this happens, (happens a LOT more than "sensitive") I'm being touchy. Not to worry. THe BB tells me this will happen, and what to do. It's an opportunity to practice the 10th step, and later, the 11th.

FightingIrish

Thanks to all for this thread. Just over four months here and in the middle of step 2, which my sponsor says I have to just "sit with" for a while, paying attention to coincidences and when certain things happen, etc.

Today I was driving around running errands and picking up some things I needed around the house (after four years of living in complete, abject unmanageability.) I was in a used bookstore looking at some old copies of the BB and other AA texts. I picked up two to buy that I didn't have before (Old Timers and one other), and I hesitated picking up a third (As Bill Sees It) because I had been doing that all day...not wanting to buy anything I didn't absolutely need today. It dawned on me that the reason I was doing this was that I had been carrying around this irrational fear that I was going to be fired any day now and that I would need all the money I could save.

There is no rhyme or reason behind this fear, but it persists nonetheless.

So, with my two books (but not the third), I went up to the register to pay. The woman behind the counter, seeing what I was purchasing, immediately reached behind her, pulled from the shelf a copy of As Bill Sees It, and tossed it in my bag, saying, "This one's good too."

-M

sugErspun

very nice.

Maybe time for step 3?

That's a pretty solid god-shot.

Pilgrim

Hi Chip. Thanks for this thread. I really enjoyed reading it tonight and I relate to what you are going through 100%.

laurie6781

That is what is commonly known as a GOD SHOT.

You are on the correct path. It can cometimes get really hard, see my sig, lol but I have trudge through those alligators biting my ass and it does get better and better!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Tazman53

Good thread Chip, when I first got sober the beauty of the entire world flooded in, how could I have missed it all those year? I am an outdoorsman, yet once I got sober I realized that I was missing most of it!!!

I am far more emotional today when it comes to children or other people in need or being hurt. Funny thing, but when I first got sober it was all about me and I feel that was very important for me to focus on me in the early days, I had to focus on staying sober and learning who I was to where I could overcome me (Self), sometime shortly after finishing step 5 I realized that it was no longer about me, I was escaping self and becoming "we", a part of the world and people around me.

I used to worry in early sobriety what others thought about me a lot, the steps brought me beyond that, I no longer worry what others think about me because I am happy with who I am, I am far from perfect and continue to work on becoming someone who is more helpful to others.

I feel the more we change through the steps, the better we feel about who we are and the less we worry about what others think of us. As we find our selfs becoming happier with who we are, the less we worry about what others think of us. How can others wnat what we have if we do not like our selfs.

jadopa

You know that is it exactly for me. Before I started drinking I felt all of these intense feelings (that I thought were not normal). It is so hard for me to open up and express them to other, because I did not want to be vurnable to there reaction of them. What if they didnt take my feelings seriously? What if they thought I was over reacting? So I drink so that I dont feel like I am choking on all of these feeling bottled in me. They just go numb. Maybe that is a fear of intimacy. But I truly feel there are intense people, and then the people who dont understand why you are that way.

mike_mass

Chip, I'm right there with you, man. In my case, it has gotten better the longer I've stayed sober. I relate so much to your seat being taken by another parent. How easily I can recall every rude storekeeper, passerby and relative. How hard it is for me to recognize little things I have done to make others uncomfortable. A 4th step was very helpful in this regard. Mike

chip

Thanks for all the replies!
I want to comment more on the positive side of being more sensitive...

In sobriety, I'm much more open to enjoy the "magic" of special moments. I think much more about how other people feel, and it's easier to relate to others. My consience works much better, and I listen to it. I'm much more aware of my own emotional climate, and the emotional climate of others.

I try to seek God in all I do, and I'm finding God everyday that I look... If I focus on the positive things in my life, I usually feel better. If I want to have a bad day... it's easy.. I just have to focus on negative things.
chip