I'm back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kpt, TN
Posts: 5
I'm back.
Same addiction. Different substance. I've been posting and lurking on and off for almost five years now. And here I am, back again worse than I ever was before. But now it's not only my life, I have a husband and two small children. I considered myself a functioning alcoholic, until I realized that was just another excuse to keep drinking. Functioning and alcoholism just don't fit in the same sentence. I wrote something tonight that I think sums up my current situation well. I would like to share it with anyone who will listen.
There is something not right about my behavior right now. I suppose I know what it is and how to address it even, but not why. Candi says it's because it's avaliable. But if that's the case, I've always been an addict. I feel like a liar. Everywhere I go I know I'm hiding something. Not like keeping a trivial secret, more like a ticking time bomb. Like kissing a dead man. Everyone but me thinks this sounds absurd. But I know what I'm capable of. I don't even know what functioning is. I don't know for a fact that I have ever done it. I want to go back to meetings, or inpatient again, but that means letting the cat out of the bag. That I have drank nearly every day for more than a year and a half. I leave a day or two between binges to see if I can. It must give me some reassurance that I can put it down for good one day. The guilt I have eats at me constantly. Yet I continue to do it. I don't want my kids to have a drunk for a mom. I don't want my husband to have a drunk for a wife. I don't want people to know this is out of control. But really I do. It makes me sick when Dustin brings a bottle home when I don't ask for it. It makes me even more miserable when he brings it and I have asked for it. I can't have one drink and stop. He knows this. I drink until I can't walk, can't see, and can't remember what I've said or done. I pour drinks even after I know I'm completely obliterated and pour them out to see if I can. I always take one sip before I pour it down the drain. I can honestly say now more than ever that this is a problem. I don't see this going away without treatment and without the support of my husband.He can stop. He can drink on the same bottle for weeks where mine last less than two days. I always have another drink beside me waiting for the first one to be gone. He doesn't understand how I can't control it. And neither can I. I feel like a waste of a person. I'm sick. I don't have a period anymore. I'm getting fat. I have huge bags under my eyes and no one see it. And I can't care enough to change it. I only drink after the kids are in bed, but the amount of alcohol I will consume before I pass out even surprises me. I can't live like this anymore. It will never stop unless I stop it now.
I really need support from others recovering. Anything would mean everything.
There is something not right about my behavior right now. I suppose I know what it is and how to address it even, but not why. Candi says it's because it's avaliable. But if that's the case, I've always been an addict. I feel like a liar. Everywhere I go I know I'm hiding something. Not like keeping a trivial secret, more like a ticking time bomb. Like kissing a dead man. Everyone but me thinks this sounds absurd. But I know what I'm capable of. I don't even know what functioning is. I don't know for a fact that I have ever done it. I want to go back to meetings, or inpatient again, but that means letting the cat out of the bag. That I have drank nearly every day for more than a year and a half. I leave a day or two between binges to see if I can. It must give me some reassurance that I can put it down for good one day. The guilt I have eats at me constantly. Yet I continue to do it. I don't want my kids to have a drunk for a mom. I don't want my husband to have a drunk for a wife. I don't want people to know this is out of control. But really I do. It makes me sick when Dustin brings a bottle home when I don't ask for it. It makes me even more miserable when he brings it and I have asked for it. I can't have one drink and stop. He knows this. I drink until I can't walk, can't see, and can't remember what I've said or done. I pour drinks even after I know I'm completely obliterated and pour them out to see if I can. I always take one sip before I pour it down the drain. I can honestly say now more than ever that this is a problem. I don't see this going away without treatment and without the support of my husband.He can stop. He can drink on the same bottle for weeks where mine last less than two days. I always have another drink beside me waiting for the first one to be gone. He doesn't understand how I can't control it. And neither can I. I feel like a waste of a person. I'm sick. I don't have a period anymore. I'm getting fat. I have huge bags under my eyes and no one see it. And I can't care enough to change it. I only drink after the kids are in bed, but the amount of alcohol I will consume before I pass out even surprises me. I can't live like this anymore. It will never stop unless I stop it now.
I really need support from others recovering. Anything would mean everything.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....
Please read the 2 sticky post
at the top of this Forum for information
Yes! there is hope and healing for you too.
Blessings to you and your family.
Please read the 2 sticky post
at the top of this Forum for information
Yes! there is hope and healing for you too.
Blessings to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Your reaction to alcohol sounds very similair to mine. Once I get a little in me, I don't know when I will stop or how much I will drink. There is a medical opinion out there that you have a physical reaction to alcohol that is different from most people (I have it).
They refer to it as an allergy. This allergy is like any other allergy - say peanuts - someone allergic to peanuts will break out in hives, have trouble breathing, go into shock..etc. On the alcoholic allergy - the body craves more alcohol, this craving for more alcohol is more powerful than any thought you could have to stop it (like the peanut allergy - they cannot think themselves out of breaking into a rash when exposed to peanuts.
Maybe this makes sense to you.
Now- this won't be a problem if you just don't drink (like people that have the peanut allergy avoid peanuts) - if you are a true alcoholic, you have a mind that will get you back to that first drink to start it all over again, after you have been separated.
Does this feel familiar to you? Maybe you can relate to this going on? It sounded like it from your post.
If this be the case- I know a way where you never have to take another drink again.
They refer to it as an allergy. This allergy is like any other allergy - say peanuts - someone allergic to peanuts will break out in hives, have trouble breathing, go into shock..etc. On the alcoholic allergy - the body craves more alcohol, this craving for more alcohol is more powerful than any thought you could have to stop it (like the peanut allergy - they cannot think themselves out of breaking into a rash when exposed to peanuts.
Maybe this makes sense to you.
Now- this won't be a problem if you just don't drink (like people that have the peanut allergy avoid peanuts) - if you are a true alcoholic, you have a mind that will get you back to that first drink to start it all over again, after you have been separated.
Does this feel familiar to you? Maybe you can relate to this going on? It sounded like it from your post.
If this be the case- I know a way where you never have to take another drink again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kpt, TN
Posts: 5
It sounds most familiar.
I've craved my head to function this way since the first time I put any mind altering substance into my body.
And I've craved sobriety since not much longer after that.
When I was 14 I actually had people start intervening in my addictions.
I went to several institutions, observation centers, and rehabs.
I was released from probation in May of 2004 and became pregnant with my daughter in June. I was 16. I married her father in October of 2005 when I was five months pregnant with our son. I drank regularly through my probation and had a fling with a man over twice my age. He provided me with anything I wanted and after that period, I was afraid to use. I was afraid to ever have that mentality back and to ever be so disgusted with myself. When my son was three months old I decided to take that first drink. Again. Since then it has been nothing but a complete downhill with my personal self and conscience most of all. I had called into work several times from being hungover. I had gone into work several times still drunk from the night before. I eventually quit. Still, I don't know why. I can't say for sure. It's been almost two weeks since I quit my job and I have been sober maybe four nights out of the two weeks. The nights that I don't drink I find myself taking OTC sleeping pills to actually rest. And still I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day if I let myself. I have obsessive thoughts when I'm not medicated or drinking. I've kept my husband awake several nights with all the lights on in the house afraid of the things that would go through my head. These were all nights when I wasn't drinking. I don't feel depressed. I just feel like my head is more "normal" when I'm medicated. Perhaps because thats because the majority of my life since puberty has been spent under the influence. I know this is long but my brain won't slow down.
This isn't about willpower. I already know there is no true rock bottom for me. And if there is, I don't want to reach it. I just want to stop. Period.
I've craved my head to function this way since the first time I put any mind altering substance into my body.
And I've craved sobriety since not much longer after that.
When I was 14 I actually had people start intervening in my addictions.
I went to several institutions, observation centers, and rehabs.
I was released from probation in May of 2004 and became pregnant with my daughter in June. I was 16. I married her father in October of 2005 when I was five months pregnant with our son. I drank regularly through my probation and had a fling with a man over twice my age. He provided me with anything I wanted and after that period, I was afraid to use. I was afraid to ever have that mentality back and to ever be so disgusted with myself. When my son was three months old I decided to take that first drink. Again. Since then it has been nothing but a complete downhill with my personal self and conscience most of all. I had called into work several times from being hungover. I had gone into work several times still drunk from the night before. I eventually quit. Still, I don't know why. I can't say for sure. It's been almost two weeks since I quit my job and I have been sober maybe four nights out of the two weeks. The nights that I don't drink I find myself taking OTC sleeping pills to actually rest. And still I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day if I let myself. I have obsessive thoughts when I'm not medicated or drinking. I've kept my husband awake several nights with all the lights on in the house afraid of the things that would go through my head. These were all nights when I wasn't drinking. I don't feel depressed. I just feel like my head is more "normal" when I'm medicated. Perhaps because thats because the majority of my life since puberty has been spent under the influence. I know this is long but my brain won't slow down.
This isn't about willpower. I already know there is no true rock bottom for me. And if there is, I don't want to reach it. I just want to stop. Period.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Welcome CourtneyAM
I'm glad you found us. I can relate to what you wrote. It reminds me of where I needed to go before I surrendered. You are right that this isn't about willpower...at least if you are anything like I am. I found that my willpower doesn't work with alcohol, or any mind altering substance. I had no effective defense, and I was powerless over my addictions...as long as I continued to feed them.
It sounds like you are ready for a real change in your life. Are you ready?
If you are ready, you can find lots of information here on SR. There's lots of us who want to give you support as well.
You are not alone. Many women and men struggle from this horrible disease, and many of us recover. It's a miracle that I'm sober today.
You are worth it. You can get better. This can be the beginning of a new life for you. I hope you can find recovery. I hope you'll stick with us.
chip
I'm glad you found us. I can relate to what you wrote. It reminds me of where I needed to go before I surrendered. You are right that this isn't about willpower...at least if you are anything like I am. I found that my willpower doesn't work with alcohol, or any mind altering substance. I had no effective defense, and I was powerless over my addictions...as long as I continued to feed them.
It sounds like you are ready for a real change in your life. Are you ready?
If you are ready, you can find lots of information here on SR. There's lots of us who want to give you support as well.
You are not alone. Many women and men struggle from this horrible disease, and many of us recover. It's a miracle that I'm sober today.
You are worth it. You can get better. This can be the beginning of a new life for you. I hope you can find recovery. I hope you'll stick with us.
chip
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey and welcome CourtneyAM 
Chip is 100% on target with "You are worth it. You can get better. This can be the beginning of a new life for you." All over the world, people are recovering from alcoholism every day. I am amazed by the number of people I've met in my tiny spot on the globe who share the same problem and who have found a solution. People of all different heights, hair colors, shoe sizes, and favorite pizza toppings. They seem to share at least three things in common in recovery: they realized they had a problem, they made a decision to do something about it, and they stopped second guessing that decision. Oh, and none of them regret the effort it required to make the transition into recovery.
You can have this too and the only person who can truly stop you from having it is you. Most of the people I know found that it was easier to do with the help of other people. I could not have done all by myself.
Chip is 100% on target with "You are worth it. You can get better. This can be the beginning of a new life for you." All over the world, people are recovering from alcoholism every day. I am amazed by the number of people I've met in my tiny spot on the globe who share the same problem and who have found a solution. People of all different heights, hair colors, shoe sizes, and favorite pizza toppings. They seem to share at least three things in common in recovery: they realized they had a problem, they made a decision to do something about it, and they stopped second guessing that decision. Oh, and none of them regret the effort it required to make the transition into recovery.
You can have this too and the only person who can truly stop you from having it is you. Most of the people I know found that it was easier to do with the help of other people. I could not have done all by myself.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I don't want my kids to have a drunk for a mom. I don't want my husband to have a drunk for a wife. I don't want people to know this is out of control. But really I do.
The first thing I had to do was to get HONEST!!! First I had to be HONEST with myself, I am an alcoholic. I had to get HONEST and say that if I had just one drink I was powerless over what would happen after that, would I drink 5 more or 20 more?
Next I had to become WILLING, WILLING to do what ever it took for me to stop drinking and stay stopped! You see I tried for 10 years to quit my way and never could stay stopped, I had to be HONEST and admit that I needed help because my way did not work.
I was to the point of having to drink every day just to feel normal, drinking was no longer a choice, it was a physical need to function. I saw a doctor who specialized in alcoholism & addictions, he said I needed to go into detox.
Well I was willing to do what ever it took to get sober so I went into detox!
In detox they told me that if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
Well I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober so I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor.
The folks in AA told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to work the steps with my sponsor.
Well I worked the steps with my sponsor and I still go to 3-4 meetings a week, I talk to and see my sponsor on a regular basis and I have a sponsee today.
What the doctor nor the detox folks told me was that not only would AA help me to stay sober, but that AA would help me to become a free man!!! Happy Joyous, & Free!!! Free of alcohol & of self.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Courtney, I can only offer advice based on my experience. My advice would be to call AA, or go to a meeting and reach out. They will take you from there.
I didn't have a bottom either, and I couldn't stop drinking, no matter what.
But here I am, sober.
I reached out, everything else has kind of fallen into place. Like Taz said - I was willing to do whatever was asked of me. Knowing that I needed a 'new mind' to have any chance at life. I could go into my whole story, but those are just details. I was whipped, and willing to do whatever because the way life had become was not really a life at all.
To make it simple, I reached out to AA, found out the nature of my problem (am I really alcoholic??? Or is something else driving all of this?) and was offered a solution to that problem. I was reborn into life, and am all the better for it.
All the best,
~A
I didn't have a bottom either, and I couldn't stop drinking, no matter what.
But here I am, sober.
I reached out, everything else has kind of fallen into place. Like Taz said - I was willing to do whatever was asked of me. Knowing that I needed a 'new mind' to have any chance at life. I could go into my whole story, but those are just details. I was whipped, and willing to do whatever because the way life had become was not really a life at all.
To make it simple, I reached out to AA, found out the nature of my problem (am I really alcoholic??? Or is something else driving all of this?) and was offered a solution to that problem. I was reborn into life, and am all the better for it.
All the best,
~A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kpt, TN
Posts: 5
I've been in and out of NA and AA for over five years now as well.
My mom had an affair with one of the old timers in the program and I haven't felt comfortable going back. I'm not past the embarresment, but it won't stop me from going. I still have The Big Book and the NA handbook. I also have a step working guide somewhere around here. I may have to slip off to a meeting tonight.
My mom had an affair with one of the old timers in the program and I haven't felt comfortable going back. I'm not past the embarresment, but it won't stop me from going. I still have The Big Book and the NA handbook. I also have a step working guide somewhere around here. I may have to slip off to a meeting tonight.
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