grateful2b

Hi everyone,
Has anyone had the experience of knowing they are an alcoholic, not ready to quit,and being in love with someone with the potential to be very significant in their lives?
I would really like your thoughts and experiences on this.
Namaste

tellus

I dated a guy I was madly in love with for two years. It was hard, because he's out of Colorado and I was in Ohio, but we managed really well and towards the end, I (and he) truly believed we were going to get married straight after graduation. This past spring semester he went abroad to Spain. Long story short, during the trip there he didn't communicate with ANYONE, made everyone really worried, and when he finally called me I broke up with him in a drunken rage. On Valentine's Day. He'd put up with a lot from me, but that was the last straw for him.

I wasn't ready to quit then, I am now. Still, I'm not going to even think about another relationship until I've got at least six months sober.

PatsFan81

i'm still madly in love with my ex g/f. Dated her twice both times ruined by my drinking, one would think I would've learned, and I did after it was to late. We've been broken up for about 7 months now and I still think about her everyday. Its tough but I manage, but at the same time I can't really imagine myself with anyone else. I've tried meeting people but I compare them to much to my ex. It sucks a lot but the situation is out my control, so I just keep my head up and look foreward. What happened is in the past and I can't turn back time. What I would give for a third chance though.

miss communicat

does an elephant poop in the woods?

sorry, but for me, an alcoholic, the answer is yes! yes! yes!

Even in sobriety, which for me is very solid and long term (one day at a time) if I'm not careful and vigilant I can get emotionally drunk . I call it getting high on mood-altering-men.

Recovery from addiction and alcoholism is helping me to be self honest in all of my affairs. This means that EVERY single man I fall in love with will feel like its got the potential to be significant, and I will want to start making the relationship the center of my life.

Recovery from addiction and alcoholism is helping me to put First Things First. Getting myself sober and staying sober through working a program which includes getting a sponsor and developing a network of sober women has allowed/forced me to check in with others before i go off on a whirlwind romance....with Mr Right Now. It also includes doing some stepwork so that I can grow and clear my head of fantasies.

So, in answer to the original question, if I knew I was an alcoholic, still active, but not yet ready to quit, AND I fell in love with someone..it would be pretty normal and I could pretty much expect the outcome to be the same as or some slight variation of what always has been before: drama, confusion, sweet romance, inconsistency, mixed messages, breakups, makeups....and on.

Rimmy

This thread is really making me think about my past and my relationship. I think a girls gotta have a pretty thick skin to be with an alcoholic, not because an alcoholic is inherently bad. We are all sensitive caring loving people... but the episodes we put our partners through just isn't fair.

I'm in a happy relationship where my girl put up with my drinking for 15 years. I didn't drive to a party or a hockey game in all that time, and rarely stayed awake for the ride home. I picked my share of arguments at the wrong time and said the naughty words when I was pissed.

All that time, she still loved me. She's even more beautiful to me now, when I reflect on the fact that she stuck by my side and rode my wave to where I am now. It's been a lot of ups and downs. But I don't think it's fair to do that... I was selfish. I feel guilt but also my love is even deeper.

If you are a really heavy drinker, it's probably not fair to start a relationship if you are going to be flirting with drunken episodes while dating. It's not exactly cheating, but it's also not very nice or fair to put someone you care about through that. And I'm not judging you or anything, I'm reflecting on my own life, and how lucky I am to have squeeked by with someone so special.

Zoobear

I loved it in the movie Clean & Sober when that question was asked. The answer was get sober and buy a plant, if its still alive in a year get a dog, if the dogs alive in a year we will talk! LOL

sugErspun

Yes. I hurt a few girls that probably thought we would get married, start a family, move forward in life, they were normal you see. Especially when my alcoholism was not active (dry drunk)..just because I said "I don't drink" - knowing fully that I was not recovering, it hit them out of the blue. More than once I decided to take a drink around them, thought things were good - boooom! the craving is on and I am running.

"Where did this a-hole come from?"

Cathy31

OMG that is so me!!s beautiful post thanks!:day4

Cathy31
x

Tazman53

I am an alcoholic so I lived in love...... or was it lust? Maybe a bit of both!

When I was drinking I was a dog, I always had another gal on the hook because I knew I needed someone to help me stay drunk and still have my lady.

For me I did not know real love until I sobered up! Thank God the love of my life happened to be my wife of 15 years at the time. She weathered one hell of a storm, but she was ready to abandon ship with the kids at the end when I finally saw death and quit drinking.

Drinking and lust go hand in hand, one is very lucky if they sober up and find find out that the person they thought they loved when they were drinking is the person they still love.

My first sponsor was sober for 2 years when his wife of 16 years decided she wanted a divorce, she did not love him sober because suddenly he was no longer totally reliant upon her.

Jfanagle

Taz,

Your sponsor and I have the same mailman. Perhaps the one woman that I really loved was unable to deal with the "sober" me. I had never been an abusive or financially irresponsible drunk so the surface drawbacks were never there when I drank, but I was not the same person sober.

After we separated we have remained friends, but never could return to what once was. That being said, I would never trade the sober me for a drunk again, regardless of who might come with the trade.

The most frightening part of my story is that I was apparently pouring a portion of my personality out of a bottle. Just goes to show how much we become our addiction.

Interesting thread,

Jon

Treasure2Find

I was jobless living in an apartment with no electricity. I sent out a few resumes and actually got a call. I interviewed with this woman who was pretty hot. I wanted the girl more than the job but considering my life situation I figured if I got the job I could work on the girl later.

Wouldn’t you know it she offered me the job. Within the next month I asked her out. I asked if she wanted to go to the beach or something, why start small you know. She declined; I didn’t notice the engagement ring and she said she had to stay home and stain her deck.

About five of us started getting together on Fridays to play pool and drink. I persisted and after a while I think she started to like me. We got pretty drunk and one thing lead to another.

Well to make a long story short she left her fiancé of 12 years and her 300K home to move in with me and my candle lit dump. She fell in love with me and I with her. As much as I hid my use and abuse it didn’t take her long to figure out I had a problem. She confronted me and asked me if I had a problem, first time in my life I said yes and meant it. She told me she wouldn’t allow herself to live this life and that she had to leave. She did say that if I wanted help she would do everything in her power to get me straight and stay with me. At the time we didn’t know the only power that could help was God.

We stayed together for 6 years. The first three were hell on earth for us both. I went in and out of detox and treatment, half way houses, jails, psych units, everything. We went into therapy together and they told me to go to AA and her to Al-anon. Eventually she left and I hurt worst than I have ever hurt in my life. With no intention of ever getting sober I went to AA got a sponsor and worked the steps. The woman came back into my life and I continued with the steps and I got sober.

Only problem was she still wanted to be my mom instead of my girlfriend. I got good jobs, went to college, and changed everything about my old self but it just wasn’t good enough or she was afraid I would fall or loose me, something you know? Nothing I did mattered and to be honest I was so busy enjoying the freedom that comes with sobriety and we just grew apart.

I haven’t talked with her in three and a half years. I am now happily married to another woman. I had the wedding and honey moon of a lifetime and there isn’t one bride on this planet that could compare to her beauty. You know what I don’t regret the past.

There’s a song out By Garth Brooks that fits what I went through perfectly, it’s called the Dance.

caraway

When I first knew my husband I was drinking and I loved him then. When I'm sober I love him. Either drunk or sober I have never had any desire to ruin that by going with someone else. He is too valuable for that. He's special to me. He's put up with alot from me. So I think I can say that as a drinking or a non drinking alcoholic, either way, I know a good thing when I see it.

Thats not to say that I can't have male friends as well as female.

And yes, the gift I have, I am always very grateful for because I know what it is to not have it.

caraway

This thread has just reminded me of that joke - probably very well known but I only heard it once. I'd gone to a new AA meeting one Christmas when one of the members said ' We were going to have a nativity play but we couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.'

It always makes me smile.

greenidentity

I'm on the fence with this one. My mom and stepdad have been together for about 15 or so years. My stepdad has 27 years of sobriety. My mom had around 10 or so years, but started drinking again around 5 years ago. My stepdad honestly says he loves her as much as he ever has, and I don't see them having any big problems related to her drinking. And I am very close with my family. They seem pretty tight and I believe they will always be together no matter what.

My sister has around 10 years of sobriety, and she knowingly married an alcoholic. Not only married him, but moved out of the country to be with him. And he can be a mean drunk, though he is not abusive to my sister. I am not as close with my sister, but they've been together for 4 years now and seem to be doing ok.

I'm not sure if this thread is focused more on being an alcoholic and being in love, or 2 alcoholics in love? Regardless, in my opinion such situations can't be generalized. I think alcoholic or none, everyone has issues (or lack of issues) that defines their ability to have a good, healthy relationship.

Me personally, I am with a man who drinks, but isn't an alcoholic. He is there for me through all my ups and downs and doesn't have many complaints. We communicate very well. He says he loves me for who I am and that he will be with me no matter what. The only thing that could make him want to leave me is if I severely betrayed him in some way. Luckily for me, alcohol doesn't make me betray him. So I feel as if I have found my "one". Nothing is ever etched in stone, but maybe there is a "someone" for everyone, even the most flawed.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi,

I'm an alcoholic. My GF is one too, though she has six years of recovery. We've been together off and on for five years. I've been sober for almost one. (do the math lol).

She left for good last november. Finally came to her senses. I got sober, fought like heck to get her back.

It's so good now. It's so much better. Having her in my life is just one of the great thing's from sobriety..

grateful2b

thank you to everyone who has posted so far...it has been helpful. Someone very close to me (mid-alcoholic), has fallen in love with an ex coke addict, who drinks but is not an alcoholic. The feelings are mutual. Everyone is seeing such a change in them both. For me the warning bells have been going off ...but I also see something very special between them. The alcoholic has slowed down considerably on the drinking, and is looking people in the eye for the first time in a long while and is expressing more real emotion.they are making plans for the future, but seem to be realistic about where they are at in relationship to the future. i have no idea how this will go and am not going to make a judgement either way, but I am aware of the cold hard realities of trying to have a relationship with someone when your mind is not yours.I also think it is possible to be inspired by love, I said 'possible'......

CarolD

The men I picked when I was drinking..
I would never consider in sobriety.

All 7 of them were drinkers!

Kellye C

I had "the one that got away" towards the end of my drinking. He was a great guy. Good looking, funny, a blast to be around. I fell head over heels and then he dropped the bomb. He was moving home to Wichita Falls (we lived in Houston). I was devastated. The day he told me was the first time I got sloppy drunk in front of him. After he moved I went on a 2 day crying jag followed by some very bad behavior involving me and a bar and men that I still cringe to think about. He started calling less and less. The last time we talked I was so drunk I couldn't speak properly and tried to pass it off like I was real sick. He wasn't stupid and I have never talked to him again.

Now, onto the positive. I know now that had he remained in my life I would not have sought sobriety when I did. Considering I was in organ failure when I finally made it in I probably would have died or come very close to it. So, God was doing for me what I couldn't or wouldn't do for myself. Very shortly after this episode I hit my absolute bottom and walked into my first AA meeting at my home group. Twenty-eight days after that I picked up my last (I pray) desire chip and decided to do the deal.

Another positive. Had I not quit drinking I would not have met my current hubby and I would not have the life I have today. I still wonder about this person but I don't regret the way things worked out for a second.

With regards to your friend, I can't speak for another person and I won't say that it can't or won't happen but I know for THIS ALCOHOLIC no person could have gotten me sober. No matter how much I loved them. I would have done my best to be on my best behavior as long as I could but the time would come when I would relax and let loose. I am alcoholic and left to my own devices I drink. Maybe for others it's different, I don't know but I tend to think if they are truly alcoholic probably not.

Take care,
Kellye

caraway

As an alcoholic myself, whilst no other person can get me sober, its certainly good to have someone else around and for me I can honestly say it helps - a lot.

Grateful2b, maybe I'm a romantic, but I believe that if two addicts (we're humans too!) get together, even if warning bells are going off, if theres so much of an inkling that theres something good between them, I say they go for it.

Theres a story in 'Beyond the Influence' that I feel applies somewhat to myself, and I would imagine others too -

'I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them, and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change,but simply couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.

What hurt the most was that, like the others, my best friend kept insisting that I change. So I felt powerless and trapped. Then, one day, another friend said to me, "Don't change. I love you just as you are."

These words were music to my ears. "Don't change. Don't change. Don't change... I love you as you are." I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!

Now I know that I couldn't really change until I found someone who would love me whether I changed or not.'

I identify so much with that. We are social animals. We need each other.

Tazman53

Kellye you and I are a lot alike, I will say that most (not all) male alcoholics will profess unending love for a lady, swear to them they would never cheat on them or leave them and would die for them, and many times really mean it as long as they are together...... in the same room! Men talk, especially alcoholic men when they are drinking, I have yet to meet an alcoholic man who while drinking when aproached by a woman will not jump at the chance to "get some strange!", I would be a liar if I said I didn't, I would tell a woman every lie in the world if I thought I stood a chance. heck I would become a die hard life long vegitarian Hindu if that is what she was, it was all about me and no one else when I was drinking.

There were plenty of married ladies that once they had a few became single for the evening or at least a few hours. When I was drinking all bets were off when it come to a lady, just me and the majority of men when they are drinking that I knew and now know.