Need question answered regarding defensive behavior
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Need question answered regarding defensive behavior
Hi all,
What is the terminology for when an alcoholic feels the need to point out something good they have done to outweigh, or minimize the harm they have caused?
Ex: My ex husband is only required to buy $100k of life insurance for our child, but he buys $300k. (When he pays the premium, which isnt consistent), so he says "I dont HAVE to buy this much, but I do cus I love my son". The same son he abandoned 3 years ago, stole his entire college savings for drugs and alcohol, doesnt show for visitation etc.. You get the picture.
Is it his way of minimizing his harmful behavior by maximizing the one good thing he does to relieve his self-hatred?
Im just trying to understand so I can accept and let go. It sure has robbed me of my blasted Monday-morning serenity. We have a court date on this matter tomorrow so I need some full blown acceptance and serenity NOW!
Thanks
What is the terminology for when an alcoholic feels the need to point out something good they have done to outweigh, or minimize the harm they have caused?
Ex: My ex husband is only required to buy $100k of life insurance for our child, but he buys $300k. (When he pays the premium, which isnt consistent), so he says "I dont HAVE to buy this much, but I do cus I love my son". The same son he abandoned 3 years ago, stole his entire college savings for drugs and alcohol, doesnt show for visitation etc.. You get the picture.
Is it his way of minimizing his harmful behavior by maximizing the one good thing he does to relieve his self-hatred?
Im just trying to understand so I can accept and let go. It sure has robbed me of my blasted Monday-morning serenity. We have a court date on this matter tomorrow so I need some full blown acceptance and serenity NOW!
Thanks
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It's a psychopathic trait.
They try to do a showy benevolent thing from time-to-time, so they can point to it to create the illusion they give a damn, and shift the focus from their many wrong-doings.
I might be wrong, but clearly it is offensive, rather than defensive behaviour.
They try to do a showy benevolent thing from time-to-time, so they can point to it to create the illusion they give a damn, and shift the focus from their many wrong-doings.
I might be wrong, but clearly it is offensive, rather than defensive behaviour.
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Originally Posted by curliQ 
Hey Pink, stop dwelling on it. No matter how many ways you spin it, it is what it is. Get on with what you can control.
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when did I say I pointed out his deficiencies?
In fact, I did not. The conversation occured during a phone call with a US judge's assistant, when he was confronted with a court date by the JUDGE.
But thanks for assuming. You wouldnt happen to be experiencing a similar situation with your spouse, would you? Being on the alcoholic end? Sounds like it,
In fact, I did not. The conversation occured during a phone call with a US judge's assistant, when he was confronted with a court date by the JUDGE.
But thanks for assuming. You wouldnt happen to be experiencing a similar situation with your spouse, would you? Being on the alcoholic end? Sounds like it,
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Hi Miss Pink,
When I neglected to do something important involving my kids because of my drinking, I would often try and make up for it later (buy them toys, take them out), overcompensating is a good term for it. And I would make sure that my wife knew what a good dad I was!
Really, I was just trying to make myself feel better (there's that self-centered thing again!). I was just fooling myself but nobody else. I truly do love my kids more than anything in the world but this behavior was more about me (ashamed to admit it, but I have to accept it and learn from it).
Alternately, could be he's turning a corner? Maybe trying to look good in court? Only he really knows.
Hope this helps.
When I neglected to do something important involving my kids because of my drinking, I would often try and make up for it later (buy them toys, take them out), overcompensating is a good term for it. And I would make sure that my wife knew what a good dad I was!
Really, I was just trying to make myself feel better (there's that self-centered thing again!). I was just fooling myself but nobody else. I truly do love my kids more than anything in the world but this behavior was more about me (ashamed to admit it, but I have to accept it and learn from it).
Alternately, could be he's turning a corner? Maybe trying to look good in court? Only he really knows.
Hope this helps.
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Thanks Gravity, really helps alot...and what Manchurian and Sugar said also. The word "overcompensation" really hits the button.
Also, I agree its offensive technique...I never critizied him *this time*, so for him to bring it up must have meant he was feeling pretty bad about himself. Which, is what alcoholism wants "everyone" to do, hate themselves beyound all measure.
Also, I agree its offensive technique...I never critizied him *this time*, so for him to bring it up must have meant he was feeling pretty bad about himself. Which, is what alcoholism wants "everyone" to do, hate themselves beyound all measure.
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Originally Posted by Miss Pink
when did I say I pointed out his deficiencies?
In fact, I did not. The conversation occured during a phone call with a US judge's assistant, when he was confronted with a court date by the JUDGE.
But thanks for assuming. You wouldnt happen to be experiencing a similar situation with your spouse, would you? Being on the alcoholic end? Sounds like it,
In fact, I did not. The conversation occured during a phone call with a US judge's assistant, when he was confronted with a court date by the JUDGE.
But thanks for assuming. You wouldnt happen to be experiencing a similar situation with your spouse, would you? Being on the alcoholic end? Sounds like it,
People that are self centered think the world revolves around them. This turned out pretty good you got two posts answered with one responce. Good Luck with your situation I hope it turns out for the best.
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Divorce sucks... it is even worse when kids are involved. I have been through it twice with children. Am still dealing with the inconsistant behavior from an active alcoholic ex. For me it would be easier to understand why a chicken crosses a road than to understand why my ex does the things he does. I just don't get it. I am in some ways glad that I don't though because if I understood it then I would have to be as insane as he is. I was insane enough when I was drinking sure don't want to go back to that.
My experience has taught me the only way I can keep my serenity as far as he is concerned is to make sure that I am not giving him space in my head rent free. In other words I can not control or understand his actions so I can not allow myself to dwell on them. The only thing that thinking about them or trying to understand them does for me is make my head spin.
I hope things get better for you soon.
My experience has taught me the only way I can keep my serenity as far as he is concerned is to make sure that I am not giving him space in my head rent free. In other words I can not control or understand his actions so I can not allow myself to dwell on them. The only thing that thinking about them or trying to understand them does for me is make my head spin.
I hope things get better for you soon.
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Originally Posted by CurliQ
Hey Pink, stop dwelling on it. No matter how many ways you spin it, it is what it is. Get on with what you can control.
Originally Posted by ManchurianC
Wow curliQ - not your usual style. You are usually so kind.
what's unkind about this ?
We can't control anyone else's behaviour and to dwell on it breeds resentment, anger, bitterness and defensiveness - none of which is great for recovery.
D
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