depression and addiction
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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depression and addiction
In exactly a week I will be 39. I have three teenage daughters who, lets face it...will be living their own lives shortly time flies when it comes to your children growing up and out.
I am divorced from a 20 year relationship/marriage and the reason, is not because in the end we "couldn't make it work" or that it was a "bad relationship", quite the contrary actually. IMO, it ended because of my husband's untreated depression after the loss of his mother..they were very close...we were all very close.
My husband and I, had the marriage most others who knew us, wanted to have. We worked well together. We had found a balance with the household, some traditional roles and some not so traditional, were taken. We never lost our attraction for one another and we had a beautiful family unit with our children who were all healthy and happy. We were "poor" by monetary standards, but as rich as you could be in the ways that really mattered to us. I knew I was happy...I woke up feeling it and I carried that with me throughout the day. I would wake up to find a rose picked from our bush, sitting on the seat of my car, or get a voicemail on my cell of him singing "good morning beautiful, how was your night, mine was wonderful with you by my side.."
We took pride in our marriage, our children, our home and our life together...these are the things that put smiles on our faces every day...the things we worked for and the things we kept pushing to improve because they were the things that made our lives valualbe to us. These were the precious gifts God gave me in my mind.
After the death of my mother in law, things changed. No more roses, no more bright eyes smiling at anyone, no more laughter, play, tenderness, affection, communication and very little love shown. The ugly depression monster reared it's head and spewed toxic sludge over every beautiful thing that came close enough in range to hit! The home was no longer a place of refuge from the world, it was now a cage, a prison full of respnsibility and chores and daily drudgery. I was no longer the beautiful wife that gave so much love and support, I was now just the whining woman that was always reaching for affection and attention. Our children were now just people that lived in the house and required time and attention, far too much responsibility for someone to give that was so self absorbed in his own personal torment and angst to be able to see the needs of those around him that loved and needed him. On good days, he was simply not deserving or not "needed" in his mind and on bad days, we were the ones not deserving...there was no winning for us, the ones that really loved him. His golden armor was tarnished and his pedestal broken in pieces beneath his feet.
His untreated depression didn't lead him to pick up alcohol or drugs....it lead him to pick up another woman, a woman that needed a man (really needed), a less intelligent woman that made him feel important, superior. A woman that could be shaped and molded into whatever his desires were at any given moment as she had only the desire to please him at any cost, even at a cost of her own self worth and self esteem.
This other woman represented a clean slate, a chance to start over and not be reminded of his past, to not have to live with the daily reminders of his mistakes. He didn't have to be anything but a knight in shining armour to her and that felt great! No need for step 4-12 with her, he had done no wrong in her eyes, nor would he ever...because she gave him total power of control and could "do no wrong." He only had the responsibility of bringing home a paycheck and being a companion at home, he did not have to be a father to her son, he didn't have to be "faithful" and he didn't have to be concerned with how much she "wanted" him because he knew she "needed" him.
Our family represented a future of daily reminders of his lies, betrayals, his short-comings and character defects...How could he possibly make up for the horrible things he had done and the terrible ways he had mistreated us? How would he ever be able to look the woman that he loved most, in the eyes and not see her hurt and her pain that he caused. She wasn't the type to purposely remind him, but she was also not the type to hide it. God forbid, she find out the things he never told her, the secrets that would certainly destroy any chance they could EVER have, even if he could find the strength to make amends simply for what she knew of NOW! What an order!"
Well, we are divorced now and it has been years. I had wanted a different ending to our story, but it didn't turn out that way. He will be marrying her soon I suppose and I hope he finds his happiness again someday.
Since our divorce, I found myself in other relationships...a few one nighters (no, I am not a saint although I wasn't opposed to more than one night) a few 4-5 month stints..one with a man that was too damned needy, different interests and while he had the "drive" I do, he was far too selfish in that arena! LOL The other, a different lifestyle, very much his own person, different interests, great communicator and the sex was great..still not enough to keep me in it!
That bring me to where I am now. My current relationship has been on again, off again for 5 years. I'm on an he's undecided...we have nothing that binds us, other than just "us"...we have no children, no home together...nothing. What we have, is a friendship and a history filled with passion, love, lust, booze, common recreational interests, similar belief systems and the desire to have a relationship that meets three basic needs...physical, emotional and intellectual which is actually very hard to find, but I believe we have.
We met almost 6 years ago, I was in the middle of one of those 4-5 month stints (can't call them relationships officially) and he was near the end of a 5 year relationship himself, although I did not know it at the time.
Long story short, we talked a lot...no matter where we were, or what we were doing, we were communicating intimately and often. We would laugh and sometimes cry together, we would hold each other, we kissed (a lot) and we would at times, just lie in each others arms..he would take my children and I places and each of them developed a bond to him...I felt he suffered from depression and at the time, so did I. My depression was created by an event and I have since, gotten better...I can see the beauty that the simple things in life offer again and although I get down from time to time, I pull out of it fairly quickly and hopefully without too much harm to those around me.
Somewhere around 3 months after we met, he began dating a girl and we lost contact for a few months until around November. He broke it off with her and we were in contact again.
He much later, told me that while he was with her, he kept comparing her to me and that I was the one he really wanted to be with...he also told me that he realized this when he found himself sitting at a bar with drink in hand..his first drink in years. He now tells me that he doesn't remember this actually happening and that he doesn't remember recounting the story to me.
We were back to seeing each other fairly regularly and Thanksgiving and Christmas passed. He planned a trip up to N.Cal to pick up his quad he had left with his ex and that he would be sleeping on the couch over nigh as it was a really long drive and he also wanted to see some people up there. I was jealous, but couldn't say anything, we weren't together. I was also worried for him as he had been telling me for years that it took him a really long time to get out of that relationship with her and that he always managed to get sucked back in. I didn't know he was never really "out of it"...she still believed they were together.
He returned from N. Cal and one evening at dinner together, he told me that he had slept with her that weekend over New Years...I was crushed, but again...not his GF so what could I say. He told me that he wouldn't make that mistake again and that he had been lying to me about their relationship being through...that now, it was over...really over.
I knew he did not drink or do drugs because of his past problems with addiction. I did not know what I know now about the subject so when he ordered his first drink a few days later in front of me and told me not to worry because it was always drugs that were his problem, I believed him due to my own ignorance on the subject.
A few days later, we actually became intimate physically and then a few weeks later, we were officially "together"...over the course of the next 5 years the alcohol took over and what I feel is his depression (I dont mean to diagnose him, it's just my opinion) has gotten much worse. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can remember and lets just say that there are a lot of paralells with regards to guilt etc...
Our first time out, we made it to, I think the middle of September (right before his birthday) and he had been living with me for a few weeks and his depression and unease set in and things went bad, really bad...he broke it off with me and moved out all in one fell swoop it seemed.
A few months later, we were back together and this has been the cycle of our relationship for 5 years....Elated to be together for a few months, stable for a few more, a few bumps in the road come along and a desire for different behavior is expressed, depression sets in and he walks and I am left bewildered and heart broken... a few months pass and we miss each other and bam! We're back!
Like I said...it has now been 5 years. I have heard "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" one week, followed by "I don't think I know what love is and I don't see myself with anyone" and back to "I love you, lets get married on July 31, 2008"...ok, so that wasn't verbatim, but it was the gist....
In a very loving moment (in my eyes) one day...I told him that if I never felt any more happiness than the happiness I feel when I wake up and see his eyes smiling at me and his arms around me...that would be good enough"...his response was "I've felt that way, but it never lasts for more than a five minutes, but at least it's only happened with you"...he wasn't in a depressed state when he said this...he was just being honest and that saddens me and frightens me all at the same time.He is working his 4th step and is at the "sexual relationship" part...it is causing him great pain to realize how much he damaged every woman that ever loved him (his own words)...he carries a huge amount of guilt around with him. His guilt from his first relationship traveled with him into his second and then the guilt from those snowballed into the 3rd etc...Not to mention the guilt he carries from a life of, well, lets just say...it hasn't been good.
He has created all of this and he knows it, he sees it, he acknowledges it....but it never goes any further than that...he hasn't dealt with it and forgiven himself.
I can't express in words what this man means to me. I love him, he's my best friend, my companion, my past, hopefully my future, he's the closest thing to a father figure that a few of my daughters have had in a long time and my grandson is growing more attached to him too, even though James keeps his distance from him.
He's been sober almost 6 months now and I am so proud of him and so grateful to have been given a second chance so to speak. We have debated in the past, whether or not the depression is the result of the addiction or vice versa....he has told me that he doesn't remember being truly happy after around the 3rd grade...am I stupid for thinking the depression is the cause and addiction is the symptom? Isn't that even what so many are saying in AA?
Does anyone have any experience with Dual Diagnosis? Have meds helped? How did you decide to seek help? Was anyone else instrumental or did it have to come to you in your own time?
thanks,
missi
I am divorced from a 20 year relationship/marriage and the reason, is not because in the end we "couldn't make it work" or that it was a "bad relationship", quite the contrary actually. IMO, it ended because of my husband's untreated depression after the loss of his mother..they were very close...we were all very close.
My husband and I, had the marriage most others who knew us, wanted to have. We worked well together. We had found a balance with the household, some traditional roles and some not so traditional, were taken. We never lost our attraction for one another and we had a beautiful family unit with our children who were all healthy and happy. We were "poor" by monetary standards, but as rich as you could be in the ways that really mattered to us. I knew I was happy...I woke up feeling it and I carried that with me throughout the day. I would wake up to find a rose picked from our bush, sitting on the seat of my car, or get a voicemail on my cell of him singing "good morning beautiful, how was your night, mine was wonderful with you by my side.."
We took pride in our marriage, our children, our home and our life together...these are the things that put smiles on our faces every day...the things we worked for and the things we kept pushing to improve because they were the things that made our lives valualbe to us. These were the precious gifts God gave me in my mind.
After the death of my mother in law, things changed. No more roses, no more bright eyes smiling at anyone, no more laughter, play, tenderness, affection, communication and very little love shown. The ugly depression monster reared it's head and spewed toxic sludge over every beautiful thing that came close enough in range to hit! The home was no longer a place of refuge from the world, it was now a cage, a prison full of respnsibility and chores and daily drudgery. I was no longer the beautiful wife that gave so much love and support, I was now just the whining woman that was always reaching for affection and attention. Our children were now just people that lived in the house and required time and attention, far too much responsibility for someone to give that was so self absorbed in his own personal torment and angst to be able to see the needs of those around him that loved and needed him. On good days, he was simply not deserving or not "needed" in his mind and on bad days, we were the ones not deserving...there was no winning for us, the ones that really loved him. His golden armor was tarnished and his pedestal broken in pieces beneath his feet.
His untreated depression didn't lead him to pick up alcohol or drugs....it lead him to pick up another woman, a woman that needed a man (really needed), a less intelligent woman that made him feel important, superior. A woman that could be shaped and molded into whatever his desires were at any given moment as she had only the desire to please him at any cost, even at a cost of her own self worth and self esteem.
This other woman represented a clean slate, a chance to start over and not be reminded of his past, to not have to live with the daily reminders of his mistakes. He didn't have to be anything but a knight in shining armour to her and that felt great! No need for step 4-12 with her, he had done no wrong in her eyes, nor would he ever...because she gave him total power of control and could "do no wrong." He only had the responsibility of bringing home a paycheck and being a companion at home, he did not have to be a father to her son, he didn't have to be "faithful" and he didn't have to be concerned with how much she "wanted" him because he knew she "needed" him.
Our family represented a future of daily reminders of his lies, betrayals, his short-comings and character defects...How could he possibly make up for the horrible things he had done and the terrible ways he had mistreated us? How would he ever be able to look the woman that he loved most, in the eyes and not see her hurt and her pain that he caused. She wasn't the type to purposely remind him, but she was also not the type to hide it. God forbid, she find out the things he never told her, the secrets that would certainly destroy any chance they could EVER have, even if he could find the strength to make amends simply for what she knew of NOW! What an order!"
Well, we are divorced now and it has been years. I had wanted a different ending to our story, but it didn't turn out that way. He will be marrying her soon I suppose and I hope he finds his happiness again someday.
Since our divorce, I found myself in other relationships...a few one nighters (no, I am not a saint although I wasn't opposed to more than one night) a few 4-5 month stints..one with a man that was too damned needy, different interests and while he had the "drive" I do, he was far too selfish in that arena! LOL The other, a different lifestyle, very much his own person, different interests, great communicator and the sex was great..still not enough to keep me in it!
That bring me to where I am now. My current relationship has been on again, off again for 5 years. I'm on an he's undecided...we have nothing that binds us, other than just "us"...we have no children, no home together...nothing. What we have, is a friendship and a history filled with passion, love, lust, booze, common recreational interests, similar belief systems and the desire to have a relationship that meets three basic needs...physical, emotional and intellectual which is actually very hard to find, but I believe we have.
We met almost 6 years ago, I was in the middle of one of those 4-5 month stints (can't call them relationships officially) and he was near the end of a 5 year relationship himself, although I did not know it at the time.
Long story short, we talked a lot...no matter where we were, or what we were doing, we were communicating intimately and often. We would laugh and sometimes cry together, we would hold each other, we kissed (a lot) and we would at times, just lie in each others arms..he would take my children and I places and each of them developed a bond to him...I felt he suffered from depression and at the time, so did I. My depression was created by an event and I have since, gotten better...I can see the beauty that the simple things in life offer again and although I get down from time to time, I pull out of it fairly quickly and hopefully without too much harm to those around me.
Somewhere around 3 months after we met, he began dating a girl and we lost contact for a few months until around November. He broke it off with her and we were in contact again.
He much later, told me that while he was with her, he kept comparing her to me and that I was the one he really wanted to be with...he also told me that he realized this when he found himself sitting at a bar with drink in hand..his first drink in years. He now tells me that he doesn't remember this actually happening and that he doesn't remember recounting the story to me.
We were back to seeing each other fairly regularly and Thanksgiving and Christmas passed. He planned a trip up to N.Cal to pick up his quad he had left with his ex and that he would be sleeping on the couch over nigh as it was a really long drive and he also wanted to see some people up there. I was jealous, but couldn't say anything, we weren't together. I was also worried for him as he had been telling me for years that it took him a really long time to get out of that relationship with her and that he always managed to get sucked back in. I didn't know he was never really "out of it"...she still believed they were together.
He returned from N. Cal and one evening at dinner together, he told me that he had slept with her that weekend over New Years...I was crushed, but again...not his GF so what could I say. He told me that he wouldn't make that mistake again and that he had been lying to me about their relationship being through...that now, it was over...really over.
I knew he did not drink or do drugs because of his past problems with addiction. I did not know what I know now about the subject so when he ordered his first drink a few days later in front of me and told me not to worry because it was always drugs that were his problem, I believed him due to my own ignorance on the subject.
A few days later, we actually became intimate physically and then a few weeks later, we were officially "together"...over the course of the next 5 years the alcohol took over and what I feel is his depression (I dont mean to diagnose him, it's just my opinion) has gotten much worse. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can remember and lets just say that there are a lot of paralells with regards to guilt etc...
Our first time out, we made it to, I think the middle of September (right before his birthday) and he had been living with me for a few weeks and his depression and unease set in and things went bad, really bad...he broke it off with me and moved out all in one fell swoop it seemed.
A few months later, we were back together and this has been the cycle of our relationship for 5 years....Elated to be together for a few months, stable for a few more, a few bumps in the road come along and a desire for different behavior is expressed, depression sets in and he walks and I am left bewildered and heart broken... a few months pass and we miss each other and bam! We're back!
Like I said...it has now been 5 years. I have heard "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" one week, followed by "I don't think I know what love is and I don't see myself with anyone" and back to "I love you, lets get married on July 31, 2008"...ok, so that wasn't verbatim, but it was the gist....
In a very loving moment (in my eyes) one day...I told him that if I never felt any more happiness than the happiness I feel when I wake up and see his eyes smiling at me and his arms around me...that would be good enough"...his response was "I've felt that way, but it never lasts for more than a five minutes, but at least it's only happened with you"...he wasn't in a depressed state when he said this...he was just being honest and that saddens me and frightens me all at the same time.He is working his 4th step and is at the "sexual relationship" part...it is causing him great pain to realize how much he damaged every woman that ever loved him (his own words)...he carries a huge amount of guilt around with him. His guilt from his first relationship traveled with him into his second and then the guilt from those snowballed into the 3rd etc...Not to mention the guilt he carries from a life of, well, lets just say...it hasn't been good.
He has created all of this and he knows it, he sees it, he acknowledges it....but it never goes any further than that...he hasn't dealt with it and forgiven himself.
I can't express in words what this man means to me. I love him, he's my best friend, my companion, my past, hopefully my future, he's the closest thing to a father figure that a few of my daughters have had in a long time and my grandson is growing more attached to him too, even though James keeps his distance from him.
He's been sober almost 6 months now and I am so proud of him and so grateful to have been given a second chance so to speak. We have debated in the past, whether or not the depression is the result of the addiction or vice versa....he has told me that he doesn't remember being truly happy after around the 3rd grade...am I stupid for thinking the depression is the cause and addiction is the symptom? Isn't that even what so many are saying in AA?
Does anyone have any experience with Dual Diagnosis? Have meds helped? How did you decide to seek help? Was anyone else instrumental or did it have to come to you in your own time?
thanks,
missi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Missi, the steps will help him greatly, but he should also be seeing a doctor about his depression.
I did not suffer from depression except when I drank, of course dinking a depressant tends to lead to depression! LOL (We alcoholics have a black sense of humor). The steps freed me from my alcoholism, which freed me from my depression. Many alcoholics are clinically depressed and seeing a therapist and possibly being on anti-depressant meds could make a world of difference for him, especially if he is working the steps.
The steps help many, but they are not a cure for clincal depression, he should really see a doctor.
I did not suffer from depression except when I drank, of course dinking a depressant tends to lead to depression! LOL (We alcoholics have a black sense of humor). The steps freed me from my alcoholism, which freed me from my depression. Many alcoholics are clinically depressed and seeing a therapist and possibly being on anti-depressant meds could make a world of difference for him, especially if he is working the steps.
The steps help many, but they are not a cure for clincal depression, he should really see a doctor.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Taz put it quit well.
The Steps of AA are great for a situational depression. They are a great tool for getting and staying sober. They have made a huge positive difference in many people's lives.
But they can not cure a chemical depression. I strongly suggest he see his physician. Many people need help with depression early in sobriety. Alcohol and drugs can affect the chemicals in the brain. For some this change is permanent for others the brain and body do heal. The doctor may think it is a good thing to give him a short term trial of anti-depressants to help him through the early part of his sobriety while his brain and body heal. Then both he and the doctor can discuss if the medication needs to be a long term solution.
The Steps of AA are great for a situational depression. They are a great tool for getting and staying sober. They have made a huge positive difference in many people's lives.
But they can not cure a chemical depression. I strongly suggest he see his physician. Many people need help with depression early in sobriety. Alcohol and drugs can affect the chemicals in the brain. For some this change is permanent for others the brain and body do heal. The doctor may think it is a good thing to give him a short term trial of anti-depressants to help him through the early part of his sobriety while his brain and body heal. Then both he and the doctor can discuss if the medication needs to be a long term solution.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I too suggest a medical diagnosis is the way to go.
You might want to attend Al anon for yourself too.
It's for those who love alcoholics.
Here's a link for you to check out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
The top sticky post are very helpful
Blessings to the two of you
I too suggest a medical diagnosis is the way to go.
You might want to attend Al anon for yourself too.
It's for those who love alcoholics.
Here's a link for you to check out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
The top sticky post are very helpful
Blessings to the two of you
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