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Crazy relapse experience - lesson learned I just thought I would share this bit of experience with ya'll. I get together with a bunch of friends in recovery quite often. We were all in rehab together for 4-5 months and we're all really close. We're all at around 6-9 months sober - give or take, variety of drugs of no choice - booze, crack, pills, etc. We meet at this one coffee shop one night (just like every other night). I get there first and grab a table. Two gals arrive and one is drunk. I can smell it on her immediately. I'm looking at the other one for some indication of if she knows or not or what's up. I'm not really getting any discernable signals from her. I say nothing, for now. Others arrive shortly thereafter. There's 6 of us plus the one drunk gal. As folks arrive, I can tell by expressions on their faces that most are aware that our friend is drunk. No one really says anything right away, though there are some side comments to that effect that she can't hear (there's live music every night at this place so it's kinda loud). The drunk gal goes to the bathroom. No one has any idea what to do! They did not cover this in rehab. And by this time I'm having a full blown panic attack because I don't know what to do either. The big thing complicating everything is that she lives in a sober house and will be kicked out for drinking. We chat a little about it. Another gal that lives with her calls a housemate asking what we should do. Drunk girl didn't drive there herself so there's no worries about her getting into a car and driving. She gets back from the bathroom and another housemate of hers asks her if she has been drinking and SHE DENIES IT. Immediately I say bulls**t and we all know she's drunk. We all add that everyone has been there before (we're all chronic relapsers who have been in treatment 3+ times) and all we want to do is help in any way we can. She goes silent for a minute and then steps outside. A few go with her, a few stay. Eventually they wind up bringing her back to the sober house for a discussion with the house manager, etc. Another friend who wasn't there with us and lives on her own comes to pick her up to take her back to her place. This was over a week ago now and we've had lots of time to discuss with sponsors and others about how to handle this kind of thing. Essentially, the consensus is to do nothing unless the relapser wants help. There's nothing to be done. I have also talked with a counselor of mine from when I was in treatment. They don't cover this stuff because they don't teach you to take care of others. It's about taking care of yourself. Had she been driving that night, things would have been very different. I think I, if no one else, would have called police had we not been able to stop her from driving. But short of her potentially harming someone or herself, there's nothing to be done. It goes like this - You're drunk, we know it. We're here if you want help. If not, good luck to you. And that's what we learned. |
JAD Thanks for that post. Please be sure to keep your own house in order and "do the deal" every day -- we want to keep you in the "SOBER Recovery" family! It is quite sad when friends continue to torture themselves, isn't it? There is a guy who comes to meetings all the time drunk as a skunk. We both have the same sponsor, and my sponsor knows he can only help this guy if he wants help. Keep praying for your friend and you are right on -- these are lessons we need to learn! Glad you are sober and with us on SR! NMB |
Sounds good gald you didnt drink and knowone got hurt. Thank-you for the story..... |
" Don't take care of others. It's about taking care of yourself ! " I am mother of addicted son. I work the 12 steps via Al-Anon. No matter who shares a lesson, I can listen and learn. The lesson you learned and the message you offer is just what I need to be reminded of. Thank you for this today. |
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk
(Post 1626004)
It goes like this - You're drunk, we know it. We're here if you want help. If not, good luck to you. And that's what we learned. My mother is a chronic relapser and I can tell if she's using regularly just by looking at her hair and makeup. She doesn't need to be staggering around or nodding out on the couch for me to know - it shows in the subtlest of ways. (And experience has taught me not to question myself - I'm ALWAYS right. :( ) It just shows you that not just about being under the influence; it's about who you become when you are addicted. I'm sorry your friend started drinking again, but I'm glad the lesson it taught you was so valuable. ~SK |
Hi Just. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 4 years sobriety and working on the field. I am a moderator for "The New Life Program" (my program for recovery). Everytime one of the members in any of my group relapses makes me feel like it is my fault... something I did wrong or something I didnt do... I am still struggling a bit with the idea that I can only guide them, but finally they are the ones making their own choices. Thanks for the reminder, I really needed to hear that again. |
GREAT STORY. Its really nice to see recovering people living the miracle. "We intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us". You all handled it like pro's. |
Thank you for your story - and for staying clean just for today! As Bill Wilson wrote in one of his last messages to AA - "I thank you for your life" Stunning hey. Anywya, just a question...so is the consensus that what you did was right??? (it sounded right to me) Or are you supposed to just say we can help if you want it if not, then what? Allow her to stay at the table? Let her decide in her inebriated state whether to go back to sober house or not, etc? Just curious? It sounds like you guys went the extra mile - taking her back to sober house for discussion with manager and confronting it...and I think that's good? |
UPDATE: Our friend that relapsed that night died last Friday night. She drove into an oncoming semi and was drunk at the time. We don't know if it was intentional or not. I suspect it was. |
So very sorry. |
Sorry to hear about your friend sounds like you did the right thing. Early in sobriety I had a friend who died of an over dose. We were going through the steps at the same time different sponsors so we hung out a lot. After my fifth step I seemed to pass him and we went back and forth about who was right and who was wrong but eventually he saw why I passed him and he caught up. I lost him on 6th and 7th. I try and remember the funny, good stuff you know. I remember being mad at him for getting the girl I wanted in AA, we had some fun. We kind of went our separate ways and one day I was driving to work and I saw him thumbing. I stopped to see how he was, he was in rough shape. I dropped him and his friend off downtown. As he got out of the car he looked me right in the eye and said pray for me. That was the last time I saw him alive. I’m really, really sorry to hear about your friend. All Good Things, |
Uggg. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Early on I was told that some addict/alcoholics have to die so we can live and they should be considered heroes. My heart goes out to you. |
So sorry for your loss, please take care of yourself! |
When was the last time someone spoke with her? What did the house manager do when you brought her back there? Were people trying to take her to meetings and check up to see how she was doing? Did she flat out tell everyone that she didn't want their help? Or was she lost, confused, scared? There are a lot of gaps in the story, but the main theme seems to be "At least we saved our own a$$es" It's a pity. |
All I can say is "Wow, I'm soo sorry" |
Sorry for the loss. I don't think anyone will ever really know if it was intentonial or not. Did she have serious depression like issues? Had she ever attempted suicide before? It's a tragic loss either way. |
Sad story, sorry for the loss of your friend, detachment is one of the hardest things to learn in the program, we maintain our own sobriety and support others in their sobriety, but the hardest thing for us to come to grasp of is the only person we can keep sober is our self and the only person who can get us drunk is our self. We put out our hand to help others recover, but it is hard when someone we care about chooses not to take our hand, the last thing we should do is drink about it because one day they may want to take our hand and we need to be sober to give it. |
Originally Posted by sugErspun
(Post 1629666)
When was the last time someone spoke with her? What did the house manager do when you brought her back there? Were people trying to take her to meetings and check up to see how she was doing? Did she flat out tell everyone that she didn't want their help? Or was she lost, confused, scared? There are a lot of gaps in the story, but the main theme seems to be "At least we saved our own a$$es" It's a pity. I'm not sure what the house manager did exactly, I wasn't there. I do know that there were arrangements made for her to stay at a sober friend's house. This sober friend came and picked her up that night. She was asked to leave the house immediately because she broke 2 rules. 1) she drank. 2) she brought alcohol into the house, putting others at risk. She didn't "flat out" tell anyone anything. Multiple attempts were made to contact her by a number of people. She wasn't taking anyone's calls and was not returning any messages. Was she lost, cofused, or scared? Probably. I don't really know. She never spoke with anyone after that. And, yes, at least we saved our own a$$es is exactly right. She put several people at risk that night. Thankfully no one else relapsed. She received countless offers for help and accepted none. Also - Update to the Update: Another friend called down to her son's Vet office to inquire about funeral arrangements. It turns out (we just found this out last night), she's alive and was never in an accident. Apparently she called a few people posing as her sister and lied about her own death in (what we think was) an effort to make some people feel bad. It is believed she blames some people for her being removed from the sober house and wanted to get even, or something like that. As far as we know, physically she's fine right now. She does have an opportunity to get back into the sober house. But she has to take action. We're all willing to help her to that. But the choice is hers. |
Wow!!!! Sounds like an alcoholic Soap opera!!!! But is that not what all of our lifes were like when we were drinking, one problem after another usually mixed in with huge lies!!!! |
That's just too hilarious!!!! I think I have problems now, but I could have REAL ones any time I want. If I want what they have, I must do what they do. I'll bet she feels like she's in control again, for the first time in many months (despite so much evidence to the contrary). That is how it always felt when I went out, no matter what bad craziness was going on. |
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