Otis7

I've been drinking semi-heavily the past couple of weeks. Today is the first day I haven't drank in a long time. Family is over, my cousins, my family doesn't know I have a problem with alcohol. Usually at family gatherings wine is offered (I'm 19) and that usually ties me over. No wine this time. I started feeling sick to my stomach, my head was cloudy, and then all of a sudden I started shaking. Its in my legs mostly. Now I am all jumpy and my head is racing. No one would go to bed, it was 3am and they were still awake. When they went to sleep I could drink in the garage. Finally they went upstairs and I bolted outside as fast as I could and chugged one of my parents beers, relief, sort of. I still feel kinda sick, but less jittery. Maybe I'm comin down with something...or for the first time experiencing withdrawal. I've been drinking since I was 17, and day long breaks are normal for me-but something is wrong here. I dunno if I can make it thru another night feeling this way.

Otis7

wow, sorry about the spazzed out post. I feel better now that I got a beer down. Not great, but less freak out. I've never posted in this forum before. I was reading threads while trying to calm down, and realized I've never really tried to quit drinking. I've only ever been in situations where I can't drink. When I do "try" I can't hold to it. I remembered the one time I tried, this is how long it lasted:
"Do you want a beer?"
"No thanks."
....30 seconds later
"Actually yeah I'll take one."

I want to quit, but I don't want to, if that makes sense. I don't want to be dependent anymore, but I have no strengh or determination. I feel empowered during the day, great and ready to face the temptation and beat it, but as soon as the sun goes down I again feel helpless.

"I'm tired of devils night out
I'm tired of kissing the ground
It's high time to turn around
On at least until the sun goes down
Now that the sun has gone ahead and gone down
I'll put my halo on my shelf
And head on out to raise some hell
If I don't first end up in jail
Hell, I can't stop drinkin so i might as well start
Until Sunday or until day light
But after this I'm heading home
Cause I'm done with this hell bound ride"

nandm

Welcome to SR, Otis.
Always good to hear from someone new to our forum.
No worries about your first post. I think most anyone here can relate to it. I know if I had known a forum like this existed during the last few years of my drinking I may have posted something quite similar.

I can so relate to your above statements about no longer wanting to be dependent upon alcohol but not feeling able to quit. That determination early in the day that "I am not going to drink this evening" which soon turns into "well, one won't hurt" then before I know it "F*** it, I want more." Then wake up the next day only to have the cycle continue. If I was able not to drink, because I had to be at work or at a function where alcohol wasn't okay, I would be mentally planning my next drink and hurry to get away. I did not know how to do anything without drinking. I thought fishing was fill a BIG cooler with lots of beer, throw some fishing poles in the boat and float around all day with a line in the water and drink beer. I always caught more beer than fish, thought that was the way it was supposed to be. A short day hike meant slipping a fifth of Hot Damn 100 proof in a day pack with some munchies. Visiting with friends was always centered on alcohol. Dinner at a resturant was a great time to try new drinks; figured if I was going to pay that much for a drink I might as well try a variety of stuff. The list goes on.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I could no longer face life drinking but did not know how I was going to live without drinking. It was a frightening place to be. Ironically, I was not what I had always pictured an alcoholic to be; the laying under a bridge in a cardboard box with a bottle drunk. Rather I still had the look good on the outside going. Nice car, nice house, family, great paying job, etc..... What was in the gutter and under the bridge was how I felt on the inside. I was miserable. I was ashamed that I could not seem to gather enough will power to do something as "simple" as have just one or two drinks. I couldn't understand why I was able to do manage so many things in my life quite well but when it came to alcohol all control was out the window.

I finally came to a place where if I was able to control my drining I could not enjoy it and if I drank enough to enjoy it I lost all control of my drinking. This quote quite accurately describes where I was. The solution for me was finally coming to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic and finding a recovery program to teach me how to live life without alcohol. There are many programs out there. The one that I found and has worked for me is AA.

Today I can look myself in the eye as well as others. I no longer feel the shame and misery I did when I was drinking. I realize that will power had nothing to do with my drinking. I actually have a great time doing things without even thinking about drinking. I am doing the things I could only dream about when I was drinking. Life is good.

Hope you stick around. Take care. Glad you posted. Sorry for the length of my reply.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Otis, are you willing to go to any lengths to quit drinking and stay stopped? My drinking took me to that point, until I reached that point I was unable to stop and stay stopped.

Do some research on alcoholism, the one thing you need to really focus on is that alcoholism is a disease and not only that, but it is a progressive disease that always gets worse and never gets better.

The only thing that can be done to arrest alcoholism is total abstinance from alcohol.

First thing I would suggest is to determine if you are an alcoholic or simply a heavy drinker.

If you determine you are an alcoholic then you need to seriously check out the progression factor of the disease and understand that right this second will be the easiest time for you to quit drinking, the more you drink the harder it gets.

CarolD

Yes Otis....that experience sounds like the
begining of withdrawal. The beer helped, yes?

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum

caitlin666

welcome otis, does sound like withdrawal to me too,
try to get to a doctors as the effects can be quite awful

get as much support around you as you can, be it AA, on here or both

just keep posting when the going gets rough and there will be someone that will help and support you

great to see youve decided to go sober

problemchild

AH, 19 yrs old and with a good warning, young man let me first say i wish i had felt that way some 21 yr,s ago . I might have listened to my own voice inside, but i sure as hell didnt listen to anyone else and my inner voice was silent or drunk also. PLEASE listen to what you already know, alcohol is becoming a problem for you or already is, take my advice and do what EVER it takes to stop drinking now. You said you have been reading the posts here so you know full well that demon alcohol will destroy life and all that is good for years to come, IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENUFF TO LIVE THROUGH IT'S CYCLE...So please take hold of the situation and correct it now while there is less to regret at that age..
God Bless you , and i wish you all the best....
John

Rimmy

Yeppers, I didn't care at 19. Finally quitting at 34. It is a progressive problem that blinds you along the way. If you see something now, at least consider your options.

It sounds like cutting back is already necessary. Quitting entirely may not be, but might be. Quit for 30 days and see how you feel (no cheating )

And really read up on it. These forums can show you so much how you can be happy without alcohol, and also how alcohol can slowly/quickly tear your life apart.

Welcome to SR! glad you came here for help.

Tazman53

The thread analogy describes it well, have a drink and wrap a thread around your wrist, pull! It breaks easy, now have another drink and wrap the thread around your wirst twice and pull, still breaks easy, continue to do this and eventually having that one drink and wrapping the thread around a few thousand times, can't break it? Have another drink, a few thousand more wraps of thread. The longer we drink the more thread there is to break.

kevin 311

hey Otis, those shakes have me worried -- I think that's a sign that if you do quit you should do it with medical help just in case -- seriously

and I'll mention that whatever you value most about yourself doesn't come in a bottle

e.g. in my case I know I can be funny, loving and creative all on my own

take care and best wishes

K

collinsmi

Well that sounds familiar. Welcome to the board Otis

1963comet

Welcome to SR

Tommyh

sometimes a glass of orange juice and a little spoonfull of honey in it will help....and walk a while

JustOneMan

I suggest you get a copy of "Beyond the Influence" and read it asap.

The best book I have read on the medical aspects of alcohol dependence and addiction.

Well researched and written.

lostmdboy

Welcome Ottis. Sounds like you are starting to relize there may be a problem. Now what are you going to do about it?