Advice Needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2
Advice Needed
My 65 year old Dad is an Alcoholic and he has been my entire life.
He's recently been talking about going to rehab but as a result of a medical hosptialization he was forced to go. He's completed detox and is now in an intensive inpatient program and is expected to be released on January 10th.
As an adult child, I have chosen to separate myself from the situation and while we have cordial and fairly warm relationship, I choose not to be part or the drama that is my Dad's alcholism. I'm happily married (8 years) with my own family, job, life, etc.
Anyhow, I have a couple concerns that I was wondering if y'all could comment on or help me out with.
1) When my Dad comes out of rehab, my Mom won't be at home. (She is taking a month long trip overseas) However, the rehab facility doesn't recommend that Dad go home by himself, so he's asked to stay here. Of course I said yes, but my concern is what do I do if he relapses while he's staying here?
2) Apparently today during visitors hours, Dad told Mom that she needed to hide all the alcohol in the house but not to pour it down the drain. He's also said in the past that he thinks he'll be able to have a beer or two "socially" after he's completed the program. Is this a warning sign?
3) Dad also said that he's having second thoughts about the program that he's in because he isn't like "all these people with tragic stories."
I know that he made the choice to go to rehab but I'm terrified that he's still in some kind of crazy denial and I'll have to deal with it when he's out and my Mom's away.
Thoughts?
-32
He's recently been talking about going to rehab but as a result of a medical hosptialization he was forced to go. He's completed detox and is now in an intensive inpatient program and is expected to be released on January 10th.
As an adult child, I have chosen to separate myself from the situation and while we have cordial and fairly warm relationship, I choose not to be part or the drama that is my Dad's alcholism. I'm happily married (8 years) with my own family, job, life, etc.
Anyhow, I have a couple concerns that I was wondering if y'all could comment on or help me out with.
1) When my Dad comes out of rehab, my Mom won't be at home. (She is taking a month long trip overseas) However, the rehab facility doesn't recommend that Dad go home by himself, so he's asked to stay here. Of course I said yes, but my concern is what do I do if he relapses while he's staying here?
2) Apparently today during visitors hours, Dad told Mom that she needed to hide all the alcohol in the house but not to pour it down the drain. He's also said in the past that he thinks he'll be able to have a beer or two "socially" after he's completed the program. Is this a warning sign?
3) Dad also said that he's having second thoughts about the program that he's in because he isn't like "all these people with tragic stories."
I know that he made the choice to go to rehab but I'm terrified that he's still in some kind of crazy denial and I'll have to deal with it when he's out and my Mom's away.
Thoughts?
-32
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
My first suggestion is to copy and paste this over on the Friends and Family board as they have the experience of dealing with the alcoholics. Second, my best suggestion would be to set a boundary of no drinking while he is staying with you and your family. If the boundary is crossed the most logical consequence to me would be he leaves, period. I would communicate this in no uncertain terms and then hold to it no matter how hard it is.
Reading your post I will admit some red flags went up reading it but I also know that what he decides to do is totally up to him. You can't keep him sober, you can't make him want recovery but you can establish boundaries for your own sake and that of your family and then hold him accountable.
Good luck and please consider posting this on the F&F board.
Take care,
Kellye
Reading your post I will admit some red flags went up reading it but I also know that what he decides to do is totally up to him. You can't keep him sober, you can't make him want recovery but you can establish boundaries for your own sake and that of your family and then hold him accountable.
Good luck and please consider posting this on the F&F board.
Take care,
Kellye
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties with your father. Alcoholism can be devastating to everyone who's lives are tied to the alcoholic.
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you but my experience is limited to my own alcoholism and how it affected my family rather than from a family member of an alcoholic perspective. I will try and share my experience and/or thoughts regarding the subjects of your questions.
I think ground rules are very important prior to your dad coming to stay with you. It is important he know that drinking during his stay with you will not be tolerated. A suggestion would be to set him up with some AA meetings in your area and make sure he gets to them. I tried quitting many times without success until I found AA.
For me to say that it would not be a good sign but I am an alcoholic. Controlled drinking is not an option for me. I tried that with failure too many times before I quit drinking.
There are many types of bottoms for an alcoholic. People in recovery come from many different socio-econimic backgrounds and there are people of all age groups present. You father may feel that because he was not on skid row sleeping in the gutter that he is not really an alcoholic. Denial is common in alcoholics. Introducing him to the program of AA may help him see how much he has in common with many of the people in the program.
There are other recovery programs out there. My experience happens to be with AA, that is why it is the program I refer to here. If you have any interest in trying to get your father involved in it you can always call the AA hotline number in your phonebook and they can refer you from there.
Also you might follow this link to the friends and families of alcoholics in this forum you may find more help there. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
[/QUOTE]
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you but my experience is limited to my own alcoholism and how it affected my family rather than from a family member of an alcoholic perspective. I will try and share my experience and/or thoughts regarding the subjects of your questions.
1) When my Dad comes out of rehab, my Mom won't be at home. (She is taking a month long trip overseas) However, the rehab facility doesn't recommend that Dad go home by himself, so he's asked to stay here. Of course I said yes, but my concern is what do I do if he relapses while he's staying here?
2) Apparently today during visitors hours, Dad told Mom that she needed to hide all the alcohol in the house but not to pour it down the drain. He's also said in the past that he thinks he'll be able to have a beer or two "socially" after he's completed the program. Is this a warning sign?
3) Dad also said that he's having second thoughts about the program that he's in because he isn't like "all these people with tragic stories."
There are other recovery programs out there. My experience happens to be with AA, that is why it is the program I refer to here. If you have any interest in trying to get your father involved in it you can always call the AA hotline number in your phonebook and they can refer you from there.
Also you might follow this link to the friends and families of alcoholics in this forum you may find more help there. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 26
Welcome. I have a father who is an Alcoholic as well. I def think him saying he is thinking he can have a drink or two is a warning sign.
My advice is to be as supportive as you can. If your dad has been drinking his entire life, he likely has not felt the emotions and the ups and downs because of them all being covered up with alcohol. My father if he is anything like your's, deals with every situation with alcohol.
Its great that your father has gotten sober now. Its up to him whether or not he wants to live a sober life. Encourage him, support him, and I would suggest keeping alcohol out of your home while he is there. If you drink at all, don't drink while he is staying with you.
Take Care and Welcome. Keep posting and give us an update.
My advice is to be as supportive as you can. If your dad has been drinking his entire life, he likely has not felt the emotions and the ups and downs because of them all being covered up with alcohol. My father if he is anything like your's, deals with every situation with alcohol.
Its great that your father has gotten sober now. Its up to him whether or not he wants to live a sober life. Encourage him, support him, and I would suggest keeping alcohol out of your home while he is there. If you drink at all, don't drink while he is staying with you.
Take Care and Welcome. Keep posting and give us an update.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Originally Posted by Kellye D 
My first suggestion is to copy and paste this over on the Friends and Family board as they have the experience of dealing with the alcoholics. Second, my best suggestion would be to set a boundary of no drinking while he is staying with you and your family. If the boundary is crossed the most logical consequence to me would be he leaves, period. I would communicate this in no uncertain terms and then hold to it no matter how hard it is.
Kellye makes two great suggestions. First of all, please do share at F&F forum they have great experience there. Secondly - yes the boundary!! Upfront no drinking...if he does the consequence - and say this upfront and *follow through on it no matter how hard it is" as Kellye says - is that he goes home alone. Or wherever he goes it's irrelevant but he will leave your home.
Well done on your generosity of spirit allowing your dad into your home. It's quite intriguing the timing of your mom's overseas trip either way - don't play surrogate wife/enabler...wonderful you are reaching out a hand and with the boundary you will be fine.
Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control. Yes, a few red flags there, but it's not my - or your - concern. Your concern is the time he spends at your home which he must be aware of is expected to be sober time and also to be fair to him he needs to know what the consequence is. Bit of a downer of a welcome, perhaps let him know this upfront so that when he arrives you can be all positive, but maybe that's just me acting like a codependent LOL!
good luck and well done again on your generosity of spirit. It means alot to your dad and a great example to your children.
Please let us know how you get on?
Cathy31
x
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Originally Posted by nandm
I think ground rules are very important prior to your dad coming to stay with you. It is important he know that drinking during his stay with you will not be tolerated. A suggestion would be to set him up with some AA meetings in your area and make sure he gets to them. I
This is also a great suggestion...I would even find out where some local aa meetings are, and *offer* to take him there/arrange for him to get there, even 1 - 3 times a week. I think that would be a generous offer, however if he doesn't want to go that's fine too. But that would be a very generous and I think v helpful thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found it
necessary to take a drink of alcohol
since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Thru family intervention I entered
rehab on the ground floor of the
pshyc ward....mainly because the
night before i hit bottom and was
ready to check out of this world
with a hand full of pills.....
The pain of being a big disappoint-
ment got the best of me....and I
couldnt stop making the same
mistakes i use to when drinking.
One day there and i was told I
had a drinking problem and was
sent to Silkworth upstairs for
further instructions.
I spent 28 day days there of
my own request after they
wanted to send me away to
a halfway house out of state.
Those 28 days i recieved the
tools and knowledge of my disease
and was set on the path of
recovery to live my life follow-
ing the 12 steps provided to me.
After i was released I also attended
6 weeks after care outpatiant
program.....
No i didnt have to do any of that,
but because i was so afraid to
be sent away once again from
my little family, I went to any
lengths to do what i was suggested
to do.
Also my family was prepared for me
returning home and it was also
suggested to remove all alcohol
from the house....which was....
I had to begin a new life sober and
that encluded changing....changing
people places and things in my
life where alcohol was associated
with......
That way there was no temptation
to reach for a drink if i got squirrely.
I had to replace old patterns with
healthier ones.....replacing the
drink with recovery....meetings....
the fellowship of AA.
No....my family didnt understand
completely who i was...the knowledge
i gained about my disease helped
me understand the things i did
thru out my life when drinking....
the crazy thinking...that stinking
thinkin....
I took the suggestion very seriously
because i didnt want to lose my
family....so i went to meetings
after meetings....gaining more
insight about the hows and whys
of my alcoholic behavior.....
The more i went the more i
abosrbed.....then one day
after another was added up
to get me to where i am today....
Not by sitting on my AZZ but
suiting up and showing up be-
coming responsible....
No it didnt happen over night
and yes there were many roller
coast rides of emotions....but as
was suggested, i held on tight
to the coat tails of many before
me and they carried me till i was
able to stand on my own.....
The desire to drink was emmediately
removed from me from the beginning
and learning to stay sober one
day at a time became my way
of life....
No im not miserable....no i dont
miss drinking...no i dont miss
the craziness .....the roller
coater ride of emotions....
Today i am happy joyous and free
from the drink.....
I wouldnt trade anything i have
recieved so freely for one day
drunk.....and for what my family
did for me 17 yrs ago that i wasnt
able to do for myself...i am
truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share....it
works if u work it....
with help, love, care and guidance
from the Man upstairs.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found it
necessary to take a drink of alcohol
since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Thru family intervention I entered
rehab on the ground floor of the
pshyc ward....mainly because the
night before i hit bottom and was
ready to check out of this world
with a hand full of pills.....
The pain of being a big disappoint-
ment got the best of me....and I
couldnt stop making the same
mistakes i use to when drinking.
One day there and i was told I
had a drinking problem and was
sent to Silkworth upstairs for
further instructions.
I spent 28 day days there of
my own request after they
wanted to send me away to
a halfway house out of state.
Those 28 days i recieved the
tools and knowledge of my disease
and was set on the path of
recovery to live my life follow-
ing the 12 steps provided to me.
After i was released I also attended
6 weeks after care outpatiant
program.....
No i didnt have to do any of that,
but because i was so afraid to
be sent away once again from
my little family, I went to any
lengths to do what i was suggested
to do.
Also my family was prepared for me
returning home and it was also
suggested to remove all alcohol
from the house....which was....
I had to begin a new life sober and
that encluded changing....changing
people places and things in my
life where alcohol was associated
with......
That way there was no temptation
to reach for a drink if i got squirrely.
I had to replace old patterns with
healthier ones.....replacing the
drink with recovery....meetings....
the fellowship of AA.
No....my family didnt understand
completely who i was...the knowledge
i gained about my disease helped
me understand the things i did
thru out my life when drinking....
the crazy thinking...that stinking
thinkin....
I took the suggestion very seriously
because i didnt want to lose my
family....so i went to meetings
after meetings....gaining more
insight about the hows and whys
of my alcoholic behavior.....
The more i went the more i
abosrbed.....then one day
after another was added up
to get me to where i am today....
Not by sitting on my AZZ but
suiting up and showing up be-
coming responsible....
No it didnt happen over night
and yes there were many roller
coast rides of emotions....but as
was suggested, i held on tight
to the coat tails of many before
me and they carried me till i was
able to stand on my own.....
The desire to drink was emmediately
removed from me from the beginning
and learning to stay sober one
day at a time became my way
of life....
No im not miserable....no i dont
miss drinking...no i dont miss
the craziness .....the roller
coater ride of emotions....
Today i am happy joyous and free
from the drink.....
I wouldnt trade anything i have
recieved so freely for one day
drunk.....and for what my family
did for me 17 yrs ago that i wasnt
able to do for myself...i am
truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share....it
works if u work it....
with help, love, care and guidance
from the Man upstairs.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hi I am Martin and I too am an alcoholic.
You have recieved some great advice so far.
#1 is to make sure you and your family remain #1, be firm and let him know that he is out of your house if he drinks.
#2 You would benefit greatly from Alanon or some other support program in dealing with an alcoholic in your life whether he starts drinking again or not. If your dad has had a problem all his life then you need to recover from some of the stuff brought into your life due to his alcoholism.
#3 Always keep in mind that you have no control over whether he stays sober or goes to any program after he gets out.
#4 Keep you and your family #1!!!
I will say this, what he said a few days ago about drinking again may change before he gets out. When I was in detox the first days in I was far from being sober or thinking right, my thought process improved daily as did my understanding that I had a disease that resulted in me never being able to drink safely again, he may realize before he gets out on the 10th that he does have a disease and needs to not drink again, he may not, but that is in his hands and not yours.
Call up your locall AA (Or other local Program) and get a list of meetings in your area and literature on the program and give it to him when he gets home. He may or may not read this and use it, just keep in mind to support him if he is working at staying sober, but defend your self and your family if he chooses not to.
You have recieved some great advice so far.
#1 is to make sure you and your family remain #1, be firm and let him know that he is out of your house if he drinks.
#2 You would benefit greatly from Alanon or some other support program in dealing with an alcoholic in your life whether he starts drinking again or not. If your dad has had a problem all his life then you need to recover from some of the stuff brought into your life due to his alcoholism.
#3 Always keep in mind that you have no control over whether he stays sober or goes to any program after he gets out.
#4 Keep you and your family #1!!!
I will say this, what he said a few days ago about drinking again may change before he gets out. When I was in detox the first days in I was far from being sober or thinking right, my thought process improved daily as did my understanding that I had a disease that resulted in me never being able to drink safely again, he may realize before he gets out on the 10th that he does have a disease and needs to not drink again, he may not, but that is in his hands and not yours.
Call up your locall AA (Or other local Program) and get a list of meetings in your area and literature on the program and give it to him when he gets home. He may or may not read this and use it, just keep in mind to support him if he is working at staying sober, but defend your self and your family if he chooses not to.
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