Rimmy

I just wanted to share this experience because it's lingering.

Over the past few years, I have kept in touch with family, but certainly not with major effort on my part. My daughter only see's her great grandmother at Easter & Christmas, and she lives 20 minutes away. She rarely plays with her cousins (usually by my sister's effort) and she's 10 minutes away.

So I've been working on keeping in touch more, even if it's just a call or a funny e-mail. Last week, I made the effort to call my grandmother. I hadn't talked to her in months, not that my phone rang either, but that is neither here nor there.

We talked for about 1/2 hour, and towards the end, I let her know that I had stopped drinking. I told her that things in life were good, but that I wanted to get even more done, including getting over to see her more often. She was elated to hear this (her husband was a long time alcoholic, and so are my two uncles). I didn't let on to how bad my drinking was, but I let her know that I wanted to better myself both health wise and for family.

And I asked her to keep it between us for now. My family would see me not drinking on X-Mas eve and if they even noticed or cared, I could choosh how to approach it then.

Needless to say, it didn't go like I would have liked. I can be a complete stay at home in my cave live in drunk all year long and nobody could give two sheeeeholas. But I tell my grandmother about how much better I feel about re-setting my goals in life and she told most of my family all about it.

I received pamphlets and lots of little secret "hey Aaron, come on over here" conversations telling me that it's ok and they all knew someone with my problem somewhere in their lives. My aunt started crying and brought me outside. She's doing her steps now and began insisting that I attend a meeting with her as soon as possible. She called me the next morning (she hasn't called me in years) not to say Merry Christmas morning, but just to see how I was.

I felt pretty dismayed that I missed most of my daughters present opening that night and barely saw my sister and her family... I'm doing the best I've done in years and everyone in my family is trying to save me... Yet they were never there when they saw a problem or sensed a problem, only when I said I was already fixing the problem.

Oh well, I know that every single person there had good intentions, but now it's like the whole family is going, "oh, that poor guy." My grandmother actually said, "ohhh, and you were so smart in high school. You could really have finished college and done so well in life".

I have a family, a business, I'm still a smart person... even in my drunken stupor this past year, I made more money doing less work than any other year. Not that I make great money, but I get by. I know I havn't lived up to my potential and I am addressing it... one of the most difficult hills I've had to climb (lots of loose rocks).

Well, that will probably wind up being a long post. I needed to vent though. I'm not mad and I'm still sober, but what a christmas... Half the people drinking loudly and the other half pulling me aside... ugh...

Sugah

Rimmy, this is a generalization, but I've noticed the older folks in my family treating issues with individual family members as ones that affect the whole family, and spreading that news accordingly. Yes, even when we ask, "Don't say anything." My mother calls me to tell me things that my uncles sister-in-law's brother's kid is going through, and I try to pay attention to what she's saying while I'm trying to figure out if I even know this person or not.

They were showing they care about you, even if it was a little awkward for you or awkwardly delivered by them. Maybe there was something you would rather have been doing, but by your own admission, you'd been distanced from the family. Perhaps it was their big way of welcoming you back in. Maybe your problem had been noticed and discussed and you just didn't realize it. I know there were a lot of people I couldn't have imagined knowing I had a problem who were in full, if not factual, awareness of it. Maybe those folks who pulled you aside were grateful you weren't on the other side of the room, drinking with the other half. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings -- just trying to help you see that, from the sounds of things, these folks were trying to show you they care. Lucky you!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

curliQ

Well Rimmy, big kudos to you for dealing with it. I understand about just wanting to lay low. And I also TOTALLY get how their intentions seem real convenient now that you have this big secret revealed but somehow you were inconvenient the whole rest of the year. But, you made it through the night and you didn't kill anybody!!

Just let it all go. Chalk it up to whatever and keep trucking.

CarolD

My Mom was a walking family updater
regarless of anyone's wishes or their interest.

Once during an endless "he did: " she had " episode
she said "Penny is going to England"
????
Who is Penny and why is she moving from where"

Arrg! it was a character on her favorite soap opera.
Thanks for the memory bubble...I had forgotten how
zany Mom was.

Ok...from my experience as a GrandMother and a
Great Granmother ...I too step back from "the kids"
Otherwise I tend to jump over their parents rules
and get overbearing. Perhaps that is true for your
Grandmother? Could you invite her over to your
home once in awhile? Then everyone could visit.

Your making positive changes and that's the bottom line.
8

findingout

Congratulations That says a lot about your recovery. Life on life's terms, can't control other's actions or reactions, as they say.

I am glad you made it through, next Christmas will be different.

Tazman53

Rimmy I know for me and many others in early sobriety we do not want the word out to every body........ why? For me I guess I foolishly thought that most people did not know I had a problem, it turned out that everyone knew I had a problem years before I did!! I was not fooling any body and I did not wind up in jail or losing my license, I was a drunk for many years who thought nobody knew and when I first sobered up I still thought nobody except most immediate family knew.

I was super sensative in early sobriety, borderline paranoid, I felt that anyone who was offering me support were gossiping about me behind my back. Well I was so wrong, these people loved and cared for me, they wanted me to succeed and stay sober. Now I am the go to guy when it comes to some one with a drug or alcohol problem, I am now held up as the example of how to be, it used to be I was held up as the example of how NOT to be.

You did well, trust me when I say the people love you, hold your head high, they are looking up at you and not down at you. Yes there may be a few who will look down on you, but these folks are one of 2 things, either ignorant or alcoholics who view your sobriety as a threat to bringing thier own problem out into the open. They know that you will be held up to them as an example of how they should be.

mike_mass

I just wouldn't share too much with grandma anymore, unless you want it broadcast.

mikel60

Hi Rimmy,
Good to read your post. The funny thing for me is that my family was the complete opposite. They didn't say a thing. Boy, was I mad! After years of lecturing me, telling the latest "how Mike screwed up" stories, belittling me and lamenting my sad state, when I started to turn it around, it was like a source of amusement for them dried up. I wanted encouragement, but got almost nothing. One person was supportive - my kid brother who was sober almost 20 years at the time.
Consider it a blessing in disguise.
Mike

barb dwyer

I dunno ...

I think Granma just doesn't have anything going on ...

And Grandma has probably been worried about you and you were all isolating and maybe didn't know....

When we're drinking we think no one notices us.
When we sober up - we think everyone is watching.

I'm always reluctant to think anyone cares about me.
Even now.
And I don't have a clear understanding of someone caring ...
I don't know the difference between that and 'butting in'.

If nothing else - you're being shown the next step with family ...
boundaries?

Congrats on the sober - ness!!

Rimmy

Thanks for all those understanding and explanitory comments. I still have some difficulties keeping all these changes in perspective... my head is so much clearer, but I definately have some lethargic days... the ups and downs...

But I'm happier in other senses. I've been lax about some things, but the holidays were so busy this year. I'm looking forward to getting back to work today and going into the New Year right where I need to be.

I was going to call my gram and say why but I think I'll let sleeping dogs lie and move forward. I see where they were coming from. Everything you all said makes sense. Sorry for your experience mikel60. I should be happy they cared because they did. Maybe them caring is what was so wierd.

Thanks for being here

Tazman53

You know I really did not understand what it was like to be supported by others or complimented in early sobriety, I had grown so used to people ignoring me or talking behind my back due to my drinking it was scary when suddenly people were coming up to me and acknowledging me doing something good even if intially it was mainly benefitting me, today it benefits my family, friends, and other alcoholics, as stated in the promises "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.", I am no longer a source of embarrasement to my family.

sugErspun

Steps 4-9 can help a lot with what you described. Make sure to do 1,2 and 3 first...

Rimmy

I was wondering if I could get some further input regarding my Aunt. She has reached out to me through her own tears. I don't know how many were for me or for her, but she's obviously had some issues of her own. As much as I've had your help, she's had her own... I wouldn't mind helping her too.

But as some of you know, I'm more spiritual than religous. She is extremely religous and was already saying I need to go to a meeting and find God. This is not the push I want or need at this time. I have spent much time meditating on my life and my future self. I have learned a bit about tapering off anxiety with relaxitation techniques. I am no saint, but I have a path I am following that at least for now is working, and I don't want to blow it.

Yet I can't leave my Aunt hanging either. I'd almost be willing to go to a meeting with her so she is happy. But I don't want her to go from being nearly non-existent in my life to bearing down on me. Can I say these things to her?

I just need to keep finding myself before I dive into anything. And right now it is working.

Any advice on how to explain this to a family member who as much as I love her can be a bit pushy.

Any advice would be appreciated, from going to a meeting for HER sake, to going for my sake, to telling her to butt out. I'd really like to get some input on this (and I know I will thanks to all you good folks).


Thanks so much!

mike_mass

I would just tell her that you need to recover outside of the biological family. If she is a holy-roller like you say she is apt to be more of an obstacle than a help, IMHO.

sugErspun

My aunt is in recovery..and I sometimes want to go to her meetings. the open ones aren't a problem, but we talk about how it is important that AA not be based on relationships other than that with a higher power.

"We are neither servile nor scraping " - that means we don't sell ourselves out to make someone else feel better.

You are not responsible for how your Aunt feels. But it is nice to talk AA with someone you have known for so long.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Seems that your aunt found her HP and is awfully excited about it! That being said, if you feel that a meeting with her would hurt you more than help right now, gently tell her that you are following your own path right now, thanks for reaching out, maybe sometime in the future you'll go with her to a meeting..

End it with I love you and leave it at that.

Karen

Signal30

Elderly women, like my grandmother, seem to say whatever comes out from what they are thinking, at least that's my observation.

Rimmy, I would not focus too much on the past, but instead what you are noticing currently. Your family members are concerned, otherwise they would of cared less that you were in recovery. The fact that they are calling you, shedding tears, and even asking you to attend meetings with you shows that they obviously care about you. I can understand how you can perceive other peoples actions...you an alcoholic. I also see observations like you too and come to various different emotions. I often need to sit back and look at things a little closer ,clear away the alcoholic method of thinking, and look at things for what they really are.

My Christmas eve was irritating also, except for different reasons. I was on the toilet holding a bucket all Christmas eve with a nasty stomach bug. Sorry, TMI...lol.



Tom