please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
please
I'm not going to get into specifics as I did on the friends and family forum but wanted to ask those that were going through the recovery process their opinion. My wife just got out of her second in patient rehab and has totally detatched from me and my three boys(7 and twin 4 year olds).I have been raising all three pretty much without her for the past seven months which was ween her problems became evident.(obviosly they has lasted longer). She does come see them once or twice a week but other than that she is non existant. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and also recently attempted suicide. She quit her outpatient program after a hospital stay for a kidney infection and is currently staying with a married guy she met in rehab an hour away. I actually got a call from the sherrif's office a week ago saying his car was abondoned on the side of the road with the door wide open and no one was to be found. He later showed up and admitted to being on Cocaine and just wigged out. She says they are "just friends" and he is giving her a place to stay right now. I never told her she couldn't come home as I have been supportive through all of what she has put us through. She says she thinks she needs a fresh start and seeing me reminds her of all the bad she has done but she still loves me. She was such a loving mother and wife before and I just don't know what has happened. I'm frustrated raising these kids by myself while she is out doing whatever it is she's doing and getting to see the kids at her convenience. Is this normal behavior for a person in recovery? I really don't want a divorce as I still love her to death but it seems she at least needs the reality call that it is going to happen. They say no major decisions in the first year and I agree but there also has to be some regulations on what she can do.
Can anyone out there help? I don't want to divorce but I feel my options are limited now. I tried Al-anon and that was not for me!
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Can anyone out there help? I don't want to divorce but I feel my options are limited now. I tried Al-anon and that was not for me!
Thanks in advance for any advice.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hello myb,
what about some private counseling? do you have insurance that will cover that?
i have had a good experience with alanon, but i know not everyone likes it. be sure that you have tried some different mtgs and groups if you have that option before you reject it though - each meeting is different.
keep reaching out! hugs, k
what about some private counseling? do you have insurance that will cover that?
i have had a good experience with alanon, but i know not everyone likes it. be sure that you have tried some different mtgs and groups if you have that option before you reject it though - each meeting is different.
keep reaching out! hugs, k
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Hello myb, and welcome to SR.
Alcoholism/drug addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Alcohol/drugs is more important than anything else to them, (when not successfully in recovery). That is the mortifying fact of the disease. Perhaps she is staying with him to help feed her addiction. When I was drinking, I tried so hard to balance my addiction to alcohol and being there for my family, it was physically and mentally impossible. Finally, by the grace of God, I surrendered to alcohol, and checked out an AA meeting. From there the seed was planted, and I learned that I was a very sick person. What I also learned was that I did not have to live like that. There was a solution.
Alcoholism/drug addiction is a fatal disease, if untreated.
Tom
Alcoholism/drug addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Alcohol/drugs is more important than anything else to them, (when not successfully in recovery). That is the mortifying fact of the disease. Perhaps she is staying with him to help feed her addiction. When I was drinking, I tried so hard to balance my addiction to alcohol and being there for my family, it was physically and mentally impossible. Finally, by the grace of God, I surrendered to alcohol, and checked out an AA meeting. From there the seed was planted, and I learned that I was a very sick person. What I also learned was that I did not have to live like that. There was a solution.
Alcoholism/drug addiction is a fatal disease, if untreated.
Tom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: sunshine state
Posts: 16
Thoughts
MYB
My wife left me back in 1995 when my son was 3. I feel your pain. I spent the next 11 years focusing only on raising my son. Mine never came back. I know that is not he answer you want to hear, but I did my best to be strong for my son and be there for him. I really turned my life over to God and followed every thing he told me to do. I would not have been able to make it without him. Focus on your kids. Your wife, you can't change. She has to do it on her own, no matter how bad it hurts you. I know I have been there. I am still single after all these years. But like I said Focus on taking care of your kids and if you are a believer rely on God to guide you. He will give you the strength and knowledge you need to make it through this hard and confusing time. I will be praying for you brother.
R
:puppet
My wife left me back in 1995 when my son was 3. I feel your pain. I spent the next 11 years focusing only on raising my son. Mine never came back. I know that is not he answer you want to hear, but I did my best to be strong for my son and be there for him. I really turned my life over to God and followed every thing he told me to do. I would not have been able to make it without him. Focus on your kids. Your wife, you can't change. She has to do it on her own, no matter how bad it hurts you. I know I have been there. I am still single after all these years. But like I said Focus on taking care of your kids and if you are a believer rely on God to guide you. He will give you the strength and knowledge you need to make it through this hard and confusing time. I will be praying for you brother.
R
:puppet
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies. I really believe she is not using although he obviously has had atleast one relapse. She seems to be following the program but through all of the deciept and lies how can I truely believe her. Just recently my oldest kid's wallet came up missing after she was at the house! I don't know if it is better for them to even see her right now or not. It just doesn't seem like there is ever a right answer.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
You mentioned that she "sees the kids at her convenience." That's what I'm honing in on, as I'm sure that you realize nothing you do is going to change her. All you can do is protect and care for these children in the absence of their mother.
My daughter's biological father is absent from her life for the most part. I remarried and moved half an hour away, and at first, he continued to see her when I was handling the transportation, though some issues emerged, not the least of which was her request that I tell him she didn't want to be around drinking. As that's an issue you don't seem to be dealing with, I'll let that alone.
Long story short, we ended up dealing with an erratic individual who wanted everything on his terms. I let him know that if he could keep a regular schedule and follow a few guidelines (that would keep our daughter safe), he could see her. If not, he needed to get himself together & we'd talk when he did.
If I were in your position? I would formalize a visitation schedule and leave the compliance up to her. Being sick with the disease (which we all can be, even in the absence of drink) is no excuse for lack of accountability, and kids at 7 & 4 need stability. They need to know what to expect to feel safe. Jerking them around makes them sick with her disease.
That's not advice. That's what I'd do if I were in your shoes, as I've had to make some of those tough decisions myself.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
My daughter's biological father is absent from her life for the most part. I remarried and moved half an hour away, and at first, he continued to see her when I was handling the transportation, though some issues emerged, not the least of which was her request that I tell him she didn't want to be around drinking. As that's an issue you don't seem to be dealing with, I'll let that alone.
Long story short, we ended up dealing with an erratic individual who wanted everything on his terms. I let him know that if he could keep a regular schedule and follow a few guidelines (that would keep our daughter safe), he could see her. If not, he needed to get himself together & we'd talk when he did.
If I were in your position? I would formalize a visitation schedule and leave the compliance up to her. Being sick with the disease (which we all can be, even in the absence of drink) is no excuse for lack of accountability, and kids at 7 & 4 need stability. They need to know what to expect to feel safe. Jerking them around makes them sick with her disease.
That's not advice. That's what I'd do if I were in your shoes, as I've had to make some of those tough decisions myself.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Dear MYB,
Sober people dont abandon thier kids.
Sober people dont steal from thier kids.
Sober people dont live with drugs addicts they met in rehab.
My ex went to rehab in March. I too thought he stopped using, he *SAYS* he is sober, but his actions defy his words.
He has abandoned our son. He stole his entire college fund. He makes no effort to see or call him. His addiction comes first. Always has, always will.
Her behavior, as you have decribed it, screams of active addiction.
You are in denial. Just as we all are/were at many times. Please try al-anon or nar-anon. It is the only remedy I know of to save families who are being destroyed by someones drinking/drugging.
Sober people dont abandon thier kids.
Sober people dont steal from thier kids.
Sober people dont live with drugs addicts they met in rehab.
My ex went to rehab in March. I too thought he stopped using, he *SAYS* he is sober, but his actions defy his words.
He has abandoned our son. He stole his entire college fund. He makes no effort to see or call him. His addiction comes first. Always has, always will.
Her behavior, as you have decribed it, screams of active addiction.
You are in denial. Just as we all are/were at many times. Please try al-anon or nar-anon. It is the only remedy I know of to save families who are being destroyed by someones drinking/drugging.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Sorry about that MYB.
I cant give yoyu advice. I know what you're talking about thou.
Let just say I have crazy thoughts,feelings,flashback about such matters
and feel like a nut case.
Hog wash...sober people do the same crap...hang around long
enough and you'll see. If nothing changes nothing changes.
This would be the bewilderment stage.
blame the disease and not the person..F-that !!!
What came first..she got in the car with him
or hegot in the car with her ?
I was searching for answers becuase I want it to stop. Becuase
I was awear of all the chaso and madness of it all.
As a recoverying alki myself. I'm fully awear and done reserch
up the wazoo about alcoholism. None of my knowlege, awearness
or my own recovery never stopped her from drinking or using.
I did everything and then some to try to help the one I love.
And it hurts like hell to watch it all slip away. I try to make everything
okay and try to understand it all. If I didn't feel anything
or try to stop it..it would go against my nature,
my belief, my values. I vaule her life, because i value my own.
I truly love her..that much i know. If there was onething i was sure
of anything in life, it was that. i need not have anyone explain that to me
or convience me otherwise.
Acceptence of there wasn't anything in my power to stop her , help her,
get her help. I tried all avenues becuase accepting that i have to
stop loving someone I love very much was more than i can bare.
It is that pain that i was runing from. So i search ,search again
becuase I refuse to accept it... i couldn't accept it, if you made me.
The only way i know how to stop loving her is to hate her,today.
I hope you find your answers. i hope it's not like mine.
I knew the answer was within me and i've always had.
I even knew what the answer was...it was that i couldn't accept it.
Why ??? i hurts like hell and it's still ripping me apart becuase i can't bare it.
I cant give yoyu advice. I know what you're talking about thou.
Let just say I have crazy thoughts,feelings,flashback about such matters
and feel like a nut case.
Hog wash...sober people do the same crap...hang around long
enough and you'll see. If nothing changes nothing changes.
This would be the bewilderment stage.
blame the disease and not the person..F-that !!!
What came first..she got in the car with him
or hegot in the car with her ?
I was searching for answers becuase I want it to stop. Becuase
I was awear of all the chaso and madness of it all.
As a recoverying alki myself. I'm fully awear and done reserch
up the wazoo about alcoholism. None of my knowlege, awearness
or my own recovery never stopped her from drinking or using.
I did everything and then some to try to help the one I love.
And it hurts like hell to watch it all slip away. I try to make everything
okay and try to understand it all. If I didn't feel anything
or try to stop it..it would go against my nature,
my belief, my values. I vaule her life, because i value my own.
I truly love her..that much i know. If there was onething i was sure
of anything in life, it was that. i need not have anyone explain that to me
or convience me otherwise.
Acceptence of there wasn't anything in my power to stop her , help her,
get her help. I tried all avenues becuase accepting that i have to
stop loving someone I love very much was more than i can bare.
It is that pain that i was runing from. So i search ,search again
becuase I refuse to accept it... i couldn't accept it, if you made me.
The only way i know how to stop loving her is to hate her,today.
I hope you find your answers. i hope it's not like mine.
I knew the answer was within me and i've always had.
I even knew what the answer was...it was that i couldn't accept it.
Why ??? i hurts like hell and it's still ripping me apart becuase i can't bare it.
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