I NEED A Drink
 

I really need a ****** drink! The other night I forgot to turn off the kitchen sink water all the way and flooded my kitchen and the water sunk down to the 1st floor. The apartment below me will need their ceiling fixed a bit. I am so pissed at myself for being so careless. I realize that it's my fault and will have to pay $$$$ for the damages. I can't drink because I am on Antabuse but thought about buying 5-10 Xanex pills. I often times don't feel that life is fair and am just existing ya know. Times like this I feel that "recovery" and the "program" are really just not worth it so why bother?

Tiburon

Well...
Why do you think another drug...Xanex ... is the answer?

:hug:

Tiburon, I am so sorry for what is going on in your life right now.

I can somewhat relate though. At 6 months sobriety I went over the side of a cliff on a motorcyle (no I was not playing Evil Kineval, just dodging a truck in my lane). I wound up in the hospital for a month, two blood transfusions, a metal rod placed in my right thigh to try and repair the shattered bone, a broken shoulder on the right and a broken wrist on the left as well as a substantial amount of soft tissue injuries. I spent months learning to walk again, have one leg an inch shorter than the other. Spent a year not being able to work. Had to declare bankruptcy because I went from over $30/hour to welfare and had over $100,000 in medical bills since I had no insurance. Did I get discouraged, YES. Did I think about drinking again, YES. In fact, I can honestly say there were a few days that if I could have figured out how to get my w/c back into my house I would have wheeled myself the mile or so down the road to the convience store and bought something. I have been fired from 2 jobs in sobriety. One because I reported my boss for sexual harrassment. The list can go on of the life things that have happened since I stopped drinking. Some good some bad.

One thing I do know is that I am thankful I did not give up during those tough times. If I had there would have been no hope for my life getting better. I would have just continued swirling down the toilet until I died. I hear people say "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" and honestly there are times that I feel that is so sappy it makes me want to gag. But inside I know I am stronger for the trials I have stayed sober through. I also know my life in sobriety is definately better, the hard times included, than I ever had drinking.

I will be thinking of you today. I hope you are able to find a way not to drink or use today. Tomorrow is a new day, full of new hope and promise. Try and hang in there.

I may not have many years of sobriety, but I know for certain that there's no hardship in my life that having a drink will make better. Instead I'll take another 24 hours of recovery, program, and AA.

You don't need a drink, my friend. Trust me--I thought/was convinced that I needed a drink--about an hour ago. My problem--I got a speeding ticket & tried to blame the policeman for pulling me over. It sounds kind of funny now--but I was furious at myself after it happened.

I know how it feels to be frustrated--especially at yourself. We all make mistakes and have to take responsibility for them. You admitted that you forgot to turn the water off--an honest mistake. Now you (like myself) will have to do whatever we need to to right our wrongs. In my case, will most likely mean that I will pay the fine & will probably pay higher auto insurance rates from now on. That sucks, but anyway--I am still sober & am no longer enraged concerning my present situation.

I'm glad that you decided to post here first--you did the right thing. I hope that everything else will work out in your situation. One thing I do know is that drinking over it will not make it permanently go away. :headbange

Tiburon,

Two years ago my septic backed up into my finished basement. I did not drink. Hang in there, get through it, and learn from it. Mike

Then drink...take the pills...i will never say not to- THERE HAVE BEEN MANY TIMES THAT I NEEDED A DRINK! but if and when you get to the point you can not live with or with out them we have a solution that we can agree on:)

No! You don't need anything except the roof over your head, something to eat, and some water. Push past this and when you come out the other side you will be able to take great pride in your power to overcome the obstacle!

I just needed to rant. My point is that sometimes I just don't think sobriety is worth it. I am told that I need to have gratitude and be thankful that I am sober. The truth is I am not. I attend 3 meetings a week and I am not even sure they help. I think they do though. I think it is pathetic if at the end of the day all I can say is, "well at least I'm sober." I expected more out of life. I don't relate to many in the "program" because I am not in denial over the fact that I am alcoholic. The sad part is that sometimes I don't care.

What step are you on, tiburon?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

YOU ARE RIGHT- p.82 BB - we think a man unthinking when he says that soberity is enough! We recover by the steps we take NOT THE MEETINGS WE MAKE- if you are just going to meetings no wonder you are not happy about your soberity, the spirtual life is not a theory, WE HAVE TO LIVE IT- work the steps as they are laid out in the book and life wil take on a new meaning:)

Sugah, my sponser has suggested that I do discuss "what step I'm on", "how much time I have sober" ect... I have a problem with many AA folks who try to bully and that is why he made this suggestion.

For me it's true that I get out of the program what I put into it, and then so much that I have to "give it away to keep it". The more time, energy, and faith I put into my recovery, the more gifts I receive as a result. A dear friend convinced me that every good and positive action in recovery comes with a payoff, The Promises come true if I stay centered and focused on sobriety.

I assume you meant "do not discuss." No bullying. Not at all from me. Knowing where you are in the steps makes it easier to give feedback based on my own E, S & H. If you are just venting and not looking for a solution, I suppose that's different.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

There is nothing wrong with venting in the manner that you used. You released some pent up stress without harming anyone. I myself have utilized this board at times to vent some frustration rather than just sit in the mud puddle with it and make mud pies.

My experience is that no one is Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy... all the time and this time of year it can be especially hard to do so. Life is full of ups and downs emotional, spiritual, and physical.

Many people by the time they hit A.A. are in a form of situational depression. Many also have a chemical depression. You might consider speaking with your doctor and seeing if this may be the case with you. He might consider prescribing a short term run of anti-depressants to pull you through until you have had the opportunity to give sobriety and the program a chance to truely work in your life. Some of what you describe sounds to me like it could be related to a depression. You speak of wanting to use xanax which is an anti-anxiety medication, you speak of sometimes not caring, and you sound tired of life, these can all be signs of depression.

There are people who believe that medication in any form is not something that should be taken while in A.A. but I believe the part that speaks about outside help. I would not have survived, I would have killed myself since I do have a chemical depression, were it not for anti-depressant medication and someone in A.A. suggesting I speak to my doctor. A.A. is great for a situational depression or the blues but when the brain chemicals are out of whack no amount of right thinking is going to change that.

I hope you are able to come to some peace with your life. It is possible, there is always hope as long as you are sober rather than running from reality. Take care.

I am an alcoholic.

For over 30 years my coping mechanism was booze.

Of course you want to drink! That's what we do!

Don't have to though, just for today.

I find the serenity prayer helpful at times like this. Say it over and over.

That's good. Things like that happen to sober people too as you can see. Now you did it with no excuses and you have no choice but to accept the fact that you're human and make mistakes. That's "Humility 101" and probably won't be the last time something like that happens. You grab a mop and clean up the mess and be glad that's all that happened.

Thanx nandm. Yes I do suffer from mental illness as well as alcoholism. The mental illness came BEFORE the alcohol and drug abuse. I am currently switching medications and it is rough.

Tiburon, I too have done too many medication changes. Even though I know that the change is for the better in the long run it sure is tough while I am going through it. It would be nice if they could just come up with medication that would continue to work without needing adjustments. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the case. I too have been struggling with the mental health issue long before I found sobriety. It started during my childhood and definately is chemical. I have had days in the past 6 months were I could not even get out my front door. So I have done the medication change recently and am still in the process of getting it all balanced out. Hang in there though, you can make it through this one.

Tiburon
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.

You are doing very well to stay sober in the face of adversity, and I understand how it can be hard. I think all of us have had thoughts like "might as well drink/do drugs". My understanding is that it's pretty normal.

Any day that you can say "at least I stayed sober" is a success in its own right. Remember that life can really suck. Sometimes we hurt in sobriety...even more than we did when we used. I supose some of this may be because our emotions seem so much more *real* without our self-medication of choice.

I don't know what to say to make you feel better. You should give yourself a pat on the back for staying sober. Perhaps you inspire others, without even knowing it? Perhaps there are others who see your example and think "gosh, if Tiburon can stay sober...then I can too".

I hope you get through this without drugs or alcohol. It might sound cliche, but, stuff like this makes us stronger. Life isn't always perfect...but it can be a heck of a lot worse when we choose to feed our addictions. You know this.... the reason a drink won't help is that it won't help. If you are suffering now, you can suffer much more if you take your addictions back.

That's all the "tough love" I dare to offer....

Sometimes we all need to rant. Often, I need to rant and have others soothe me. I feel sorry for myself on a regular basis...believe me, I have problems in my life as well.

I hope nobody "bullies" you, or makes you feel worse.

Keep working on recovery....it might not always be great, but it's your best shot at happiness further down the road. I hope you'll stick with us.
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