Rimmy

This has been going on for far too long, especially with all that I know. I went back and read all my posts from june of 95 here, when I was 32. I'm gonna be 35 in January and I'm just as pathetically bothered by ME as I was then.

I've quit drinking so many times this past year, but I always simply let drinking trickle back in, at first by drinking responsibly for a few days, then picking up the pace one day and that's where it starts again... another bender lasting weeks of blown out morning to night Bud Lights until my body just says STOP, and I walk around in a painful useless daze for the next two days.

And I like to be sober, by all means, but yeah, I have come to the truth about being powerless. I quit for 10 days a few months back, and without even getting extra exercise, I lost over 10 lbs. I went to my sisters and she commented that I looked great (I went from 165-167 to 151-153). And that's just one of the benefits of not ingesting a case of beer every day!!

But like everytime, I can't get away for long. I can't even avoid it because my wife still drinks at night, my neighbor who I'm friendly with stops by drinking most nights, sometimes with his wife expecting a late party night. When I'm sober, that bugs me and I just go in the other room and listen to them party (small apartment with thin walls).

I don't know... I won't rant about this forever. I know what needs to be done from all I've read over the years, from setting my own life goals for a better self, but I think I am truly going to have to part for good my my closest friend, and figure out why having a liquid friend ever made sense. I spend more in a month on my "friend" than I do on my own daughter and wife. I am selfish. I am a good person who is selfish.

But I must concede that I am incapable of controlled drinking. It only lasts a few days and then it's a long rut, avoiding friends, working less than productively, and killing my wallet and my body.

So this is day 3 and I finally ate today and am feeling a little better. My head has cleared some and after reading what I wrote 2 1/2 years ago and looking at myself now... how sad. It's 8:00 and my wife just opened a beer. I really think a beer would clear my head... I KNOW if I sipped on 2 or 3 tonight, I'd feel and sleep better. So much experience with avoiding true sobriety. And I know I would not drink until tomorrow dinner time at the earliest. I know I'd not drink too much tomorrow night... But from years of experience, I know that within a week, I will be drinking before I get my daughter on the bus and not stopping the drink all day/night cycle for another couple of weeks. I can not control you. I can not work with you. What a shame, my old friend. You have been greedy and taken too much from me to balance what I get back. We can't be friends anymore. You are not a good friend in the end. You've taken far too much! You are not trustworthy! You always hurt me in the end! I'm done with you!

nandm

Welcome back. I truely hope you are able to find a solution that works for you. I tried many but for me the only one that worked for me was A.A. There are people here who have found a solution to their alcohol problem without A.A. I am sure one of them will be along soon to give you some support or encouragement from that perspective. Take care and please keep letting us know how you are doing.

CarolD

Good to see you are still trying...

Blessings to you and your family

sugErspun

Rimmy,
I can't help but to comment on the title of your post "My final attempt to quit without AA"..

Does this mean that a failure in your final attempt will result in you getting to AA? What makes you think you will make it if/when you drink again? Are you using some other method of recovery?

Just trying to open some dialogue.


Thanks for your post.

Miss Pink

whats wrong with Alcoholics Anonymous?

Do they make you wear a funny membership t shirt? Say a silly password to get in the door? Do an initiation dance? Wear your hair funny?

I mean,,,really, whats the problem?

Does your ego think you are a failure if you have to go to one of them meetings? Have to say out loud your an alcholic? What??

You dont have to do or say diddly in an AA meeting. Tell you ego to have a sit down, that you are in the business of dying from a chronic and fatal disease, and this place, AA, has a good program that HELPS people survive.

AA is NOT for people who need it.....just for people who WANT it.

Get busy living...or get busy dying, as they say. Hope it works for you, but if it doesnt....swallow your ego and take a walk on the sober side....Alcoholics Anonymous.

Anna

Hi Rimmy,

Your posted reminded me of an amazing book called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp.

I read it when I was still drinking and knew I had to stop, but couldn't imagine doing that. I was so inspired and thought that if she could do it, maybe I could too.

Rimmy

Thanks for your replies!

sugErspun, I just mean that I've tried to do this too many times and without the proper tools and commitment, I have not succeeded alone. With the negative outside influences I live around, I make poor decisions with nobody (except the good people here) to bounce my feelings off of.

My method right now is to focus at times throughout the day on not forgetting all the times I swore off of drinking, and the reasons why I felt that way at the time. I need to meditate on those things from time to time because I've spent so many years living for the day, I forget/choose not to think of them.

I enjoy drinking moderately, and when I do, it leads to negative things... but not a first. Only after a week or so when it starts to get heavy again. So I start lying to myself that it won't happen again and I can control it... I cant'. I need to focus on being HONEST with myself when I am craving and quit for myself, nobody else. My method is using the guilt about not being able to control something in my life and facing that guilt, not giving into it anymore. I'm not a bad person. I'm generally happy and have a good time, but it's all so fake when I see the true me inside and look at my life.

note: I have a good life, but it could crumble at any time if I don't stop running to my beers at every tricky turn. All I do then is stumble. It's sad, and I am dissappointed in ME and I'm focusing on beating myself up for a while, and learning to deal with that guilt by changing the things that bother me. I don't want to paint a pretty picture so I feel better, I want to paint the truth and feel bad and learn do move forward towards a better me.

Thanks
Aaron

Rimmy

[QUOTE=Miss Pink;1596825]whats wrong with Alcoholics Anonymous?

AA is NOT for people who need it.....just for people who WANT it.

[QUOTE]


Hello Miss Pink. Nice to meet you. I hope I didn't offend. But yeah, I have hidden out for a long time, not engaging anyone but my closest family and friends, and only a few of them know my problem.

But hiding it has not exactly worked either. I was more just trying to say that I'm willing to go if this time around, it gets too hard for me without some support. I understand it can be a very spiritual religous group and I'm not ready for that yet.

By all means I could be wrong, and am just about ready to walk through the door, but was hoping to save some gas money and time by giving it one more go around the hard way. It was actually opening up a door for myself by admitting in the title that I might need more help to accomplish this.

Dee_Sober4today

Oh, Rimmy...your story sounds all too familiar to me.
I hope you find something that works for you...I truly do.
I'm 13 days sober and don't think I could have done it on my own.
I've also realized that I can never, ever drink again. Not socially, not "controlled" (I am powerless over alcohol).
You sound like you really want to do this. You need support. Keep posting here if not AA...but give AA at least a fighting chance if you find nothing else is helping you get through.
I'm wishing you all the best...
Denise

sugErspun

Rimmy...I like that you are being open about your situation. I know AA was the last place I would arrive. I only arrived after banging my head against the wall for the last time. I don't know if AA is for you or not, only you can make that decision. If you can stop without it, all the more power to you.

Best of luck, if you need anything or have any questions I guess you know this is a pretty good place to bring them.


All the best.

Paulos

Good luck Rimmy, you got brain fog/slurred speech due to all your binge drinking *when you're sober*?

Rimmy

yeah, I make poor decisions when drinking that lead to things like bumps and bruises. I have been rather lucky over the years considering the late night beer runs my wife is begging me not to take etc... But stupid decisions like that are what I make.

I don't smoke cigarettes and it's been years since I smoked pot, but late last week there was some and I took this little tiny hit. Because I was so wrecked already, I got whacked and tried to get to the bathroom and faceplanted. It's one thirty in the morning and this big split on the bridge of my nose is pumping blood, both nostrals are pumping... gheeze. Was it a direct result of drinking.... not exactly, but drinking made my judgement impaired and I did something I never would do on any other given day. So all I have to do look in the mirror and wonder about my new reflection... the reasons... the results... and how I've been so lucky for so long, but the odds have to be stacking against me... everyone runs out of luck.

So yeah, your comment about banging your head against walls rings a bell with me. Unless you meant it symbolically... lol.

Aaron

Rimmy

Not so much my speech, but I get brain fog where I feel like crap, and making complicated decisions are all but impossible. And I can't sleep off a hangover... I just don't sleep much in general and don't have the ability to sleep. So I generally just pace around doing small tasks hoping to feel better. It goes away though if that's what you are asking.

This is the morning of day 4. I couldn't fall asleep well last night (got to sleep around 2:00), but I slept ok once asleep. Just waking with the night sweats and flipping the pillows. Some funky dreams, which I always enjoy. Dreams are like movies for me and I miss them when I'm drinking.

Still feel a little off today, but I'm going to delve into my work. I'm behind in some of the work, and I havn't pushed billing/receiving, so it's time to get cought up.

I'm just worried about tonight. My wife is a stay at home mom but from 1:30 this afternoon until around 11:30 tonight, she won't be here. I just don't want to be bored. I truly believe I wouldn't go out the the store to buy beer, but there's still a 12 pack sitting in the kitchen. I think I'll just work late and I got some movies I havn't seen yet. Started a book too. I'm just more worried about the end of the day... DAYS are so much longer when I don't drink... seems like they never end. I'm hoping this will become a blessing at some point as in time to do the things I "never have time for" when drinking. I'll be ok, it's just not easy when it's right there... the old alcoholic thinking kicks in...."If I just have 2 or 3" next thing you know, I'm 12 in the hatch and running up the street to replace them so my wife won't know.... SO SAD.

I'll be good. I'll come here and read how I felt in the past and what others are trying to do... I'll be ok.

Thanks for all the support
Aaron

savoy

So your plan simmers down to "I'll just try harder" ?

The whole spiritual thing about AA isn't a justified obstacle.

Anyone can change their mind or just become a bit openminded about these issues, its not as of you have to change a rock into a tree.

it needs be nothing more than 'previously I thought spiritual issues were an obstacle but now I'm not so sure they are'.

But ,either way, I wouldn't worry about it,
when God drove me away from AA, the booze drove me back.
I was atheist.

Tazman53

Rimmy I could have written what you have written with one exception, I did not even think AA was an option for me!

I was a lost soul, I had no idea how, but I knew I had to get and stay sober or die!

I went to a specialist who told me my only shot at getting sober was detox as a beginning.

In detox they told me if I wanted a chance at staying sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!

I felt 90 meetings in 90 days was ridiculous, but I did it because I spent years and years trying to get and stay sober and the only thing it led me to my way was having to drink every day just to feel normal.

What I found out after getting out of detox is the reason to go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days. Why? Because it took at least 2 months without a drink before what was going on in them meetings really started to make sense to me.

Look you need to forget the religous crap everyone who hates AA talks about, it simply is not true! I have only set foot in a church twice since I got sober over a year ago and one time was for a wedding!

AA is about spirituality, not religion!!!!

Religous people go to church to try and not go to hell.

Spiritual people get spiritual because they have been to hell and do not want to go back.

I had lost my spirit to alcohol! Have you?

In order to not drink and live I found that I had to regain my spirit, the only way I could do that was by becoming spiritual! Did I find spirituality in the Bible, Torah, or the Koran..... or any other religous text? I regained my spirit by becoming spiritual through the 12 steps of AA.

I did not have to read any religous text, dress funny, get a tatoo or piercing or recite anything!!!!

I had a choice, drink and die or get spiritual and live! Well today I am alive and well, I am sober and happy.

Drink and die or get spiritual and live?

Rimmy

Wow, yesterday evening was a real mental battle for me. I was ok until I grabbed the ginger ale and behind it was a cold beer my wife left there... then it became just one is fine... I was close to opening it and throwing one or two warm ones in to cool them off.... what would two or three do... nothing! But I thought about all I've been thinking about and came to the forums.

That thread about "why do you alcoholics quit and then restart"? That helped a lot.

Thanks everyone for helping me.

I even woke up this morning and my wife left a 3/4 beer on the computer table. Normally, that's alcohol abuse and I'll either swig it down or put it in the freezer for 15 minutes and swig it down. This morning, it went down the sink.

I went out and picked up some checks. I spoke the the owner of a Century 21 Commercial business about seeking out some shops so I can get out of my garage. I sold two nice jobs. I'm going shopping sober today. I feel pretty good.

Thanks everybody!!

Aaron

frescacan

Rimmy,

Step one means that we are powerless. We are powerless over 2 things - choice and control. We can't control how much we drink because alcohol triggers a PHYSICAL craving for more alcohol. Page 24 explains that we can't choose not to drink. The memory of our drama does not enter our minds with sufficient force to make us choose not to drink. In a nutshell, our minds can't keep us from the first drink and our bodies can't keep us from the second, third, fourth, etc...If this is your truth, then any advice people give you to shield you from the first drink will fail. This is contrary to what most people in AA and on this board will tell you, but it can be supported with what the big book says, unlike much of the other stuff you will hear.

Good luck and PM me if I can help.

md20

Glad your feeling better now rimmy- keep it up I would recommend .A.A too- i've tried and failed to stay sober on my own. Millions have gotten sober thanks to A.A.

Im by no means telling u what to do, just suggesting - as i've seen how it helps ppl