md20

Hi
Well im onto my 13th day of sobriety- woo! Im feeling good. Things are going well for me right now - and self- pity isnt dominating my life for a change lol! The only prob is i am still having little doubts enter my head now and again. See I know i'm an alchy - most of the time - i couln't control my intake of booze when i started- i couldnt gauruntee what would happen. Also i could not quit completely when i made vows to. I know my drinking was not normal for the large part. However there were also times i could control my intake (although, most of these times, i'd be annoyed at this and would have to make a conscious effort to do so). I've talked over this with my sponsor and some others in A.A, i've shared it at a mtng, i've prayed to my H.P. to relieve me of these silly niggling doubts. I just want that feeling of full acceptance. I feel accepting it completely would help me so much in my recovery- i want to do my step 1 right. Is there anyone else out there that can relate to this?

Anyone who had times of control aswell - even in the late stages of their drinking? Anyone else who hasnt been in jail etc with booze? Anyone who didnt drink everyday? Thanks for listening, i'm sorry - i feel like all i do on here is moan etc- but i need to share these things, i know if i dont i could drink again and i dont want to that if i deffo am an alcoholic - which i think i am- the majority of the time!

Tazman53

Hi Mandi, I am Martin an alcoholic.

My head was a lot thicker then many others so my "late stages" of my drinking were not like yours, but I did go through the very phases you speak of for about 5 years before I became that daily drinker you mentioned. You are smarter then I was, I knew I needed to stop then but I was smart, I could stop drinking my way, without AA or any other program or support.

Yes I did go through a 30 year period where I could when I really had to cut myself off after 3 or 4, but alcoholism being a progressive disease and me being pig headed I passed through that phase so I can relate.

During those years I used the reason "Hey I can control my drinking if I have to." to lie to myself that I was not an alcoholic, alcoholics drink 24X7 and live on the street or under bridges so I was not an alcoholic!!! LOL

Mandi you are doing the right thing, you are going to AA and you have a sponsor, not only that but you talk to your sponsor and others! You are really in the right place right now to get the ball rolling on long term sobriety.

Have you spoken to your sponsor about starting to work the steps NOW?

There are some folks in AA that misinterpet the "Easy does it." to mean things like not rushing into doing the steps, heck I have heard of sponsors that say one should only work one step a year!!!!

If your sponsor is not willing to work the steps with you when you are ready to start then you could do like I did...... I got another sponsor, he was more then happy to work the steps with me at my pace, that is not to say that we did the steps my way, we didn't! He made sure I did the reading, the writing and the praying needed for each one before we moved on to the next step.

Keep in mind that Bill W, Dr. Bob or any of the other early AA folks drug their feet when it came to working the steps through the first time, some went through them the first time in 3 days!!!! Most in a week!!!!

I have heard it said and I agree that if one does a proper job on step one they will never pick up another drink the rest of their lifes! I recommit/redo my first step EVERY morning before I start my simple prayer asking God to grant me the power to not drink today, and grant me what power I need to do his will throughout the course of the day. I always start my day reminding myself that "I am powerless over alcohol the second I take that first drink which will lead to my life becoming unmanagable again."

Mandi when I first got into AA I wanted all of the serenity and peace someone with 20 years sobriety has in a week. Well the old timers told me that serenity and peace do not happen over night, as it says in the 10th step promises:

For me they did come fairly quickly, but I had to work for them as it says in the 10th step promises. The longer I stayed sober, the more meetings I went to, but most importantly the more steps I worked with my sponsor the better my life became as I became a better person.

Keep in mind, it takes time and work, the miracle will happen only if you keep working towards it. The miracle happened for me, the obsession/urge/need to drink was lifted from me and as long as I maintain a fit spiritual condition it will remain lifted.

Time..... takes time! Work it but be patient, it will come.

Oh yea by the way in 40 years of drinking I only had one DUI and have never spent a night in jail or been convicted or been on trial for anything other then traffic offenses and one lawsuit over a financial matter.

findingout

Hey mandi

I am an alcoholic whose been sober a few years and I still get those niggling doubts every so often. I believe that is part of the disease. When those thoughts like "Hey, I haven't a drink in five years and my life is really back on track, maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all" or "OK, it was really that bad back then but this time it would be different because I know more about it and I wouldn't let it get that bad again" or "<insert random delusion here>", it is just my disease doing what my disease does - try to convince me that I'm not an alcoholic so I can pick up a drink and prove, once again, that I'm an alcoholic.

How many times do you have to repeat the experiment until you are convinced that it always turns out the same? Which one of the those "yets" on your list of things that haven't happened will you have to cross off before you surrender the idea that you can control your drinking instead of being controlled by your drinking? Only you can answer those questions for yourself. But if you are not an alcoholic, why would you want to put alcohol back into your life if you are feeling good, things are going well, and you know that "most of the time - i couldn't control my intake of booze when i started"?

SaTiT

yes..that's the way I do it. I turn over the nagging doupts.
it's that simple. I had to pray a lot about it at first..
I think prayer for me was more of focus or trying to
communicate.

The way it works for me is...
in order for god to remove my craving or doupts...I had to do
my part, LET GO.

A simple excersize i do. i hold to an object.
I open up my hand or palm and whatever I'm holding
on to , just drops. Once i let go of that object..my hands
are free.

Once the object is out of hand...well i don't have to pick it up
unless i want to...mmm I've gone to trouble of droping it..so why
pick it up again ??? A little bit of commonsence..i guess.

It's just my brain, mind, and body resist changes that's all.

I don't feel or warm and cuddly or spiritual all the time but
these little simple things I do helps me in seeing the simplicity
of it. I don't fully understand god but that's okay.
It's what i do and not what i think most of the time that makes a significent different
in my life.

and basically it's just doing oneday at a time...cuz of thoughts just gose
spining i my head of this or that..but the fact still remains...
if i don't pick up a drink I'm not going to get drunk.
it's not rocket science.

my thoughts drives my emotions...i recognize that from doing meditations.
Just siting still and observing myself and understanding myself better.
meditation slows everything down and allows me to understand the machanics of my mind
or thought process and how my emotions gets trigger.
First i get an image..then it's followed by an emotion.

In the past it was automatic that i would react..but recognizing it better
There is a moment of grace between emotions and reactions.
This is where making chioces comes in. I can choose to react in my old behaviors
becuase it familar and it reinforce my old emotions or indorphine that my mind generate
or I can choose to experince something new. it just feels different at first becuase
my mind resists changes in thought patterns and what not.

zoomer

In the end of my drinking I only had one or two beers a night. Never went to jail nor got a DWI,but I drank a lot when I was a kid and young adult to make up for the time I slowed down. I still have nagging thoughts that maybe I'm not like some,but I had enough alcohol in my life to make me an AA member. I take the program as a one day at a time thing meaning I tell myself I will not drink just for today for I don't know if I'm going to feel like drinking in the future. I use to drink while I was on medication and to me I was a danger to myself. I drank while pregnant. Not a lot only 1 or two beers a night,but that too signals that I was out of control being your not suppost to drink any thing at all. The guilt I carry from that is what I struggle with even after three years of being sober because my son is learning disabled. Did I drink hard alcohol,nope not that much I did't like the effects. Did I drink a case a night, nope,but for me I drank enough to feel remorse, shame and guilt. I guess it's not how much you drank,but what you feel like that counts. I may not be a full blown alcoholic (yet),but I abused it big time exspecailly in my younger days and still drank after the bad things. i put myself into situations that caused me harm. I'v embarrassed myself when drunk. I'v done things that I noramlly would not have if I was not drinking. And the list goes on. I think you don't have to end up in jail to hit bottom,that is just a not yet,but could happen if a person continues to drink. I guess for me when I start to think things where not so bad, I go back to when things where bad and think it could all be mine again if I pick up. I don't wish to feel guilt shame and remorse again for my drinking just for today.

mae164

Yes Sweetie, I Had Years That I Did Not Drink Everyday, Step One Is Very Importantand Like Every One Else Has Mentioned, My Mind Use To Question My Drinking When I Compaired The Outside Drinking Of Others To Mine( Jail, How Often) But The Great Obssesion Of Every Abnormal Drinker Is That I Can Control and enjoy My Drinking
If I Stopped At How Every Many I Was Not Happy And If I Was Enjoying It I Was Wasted- At My End I Was Drunk All The Time But That Is Becouse It Is progressive, It Does Not Matter How Often But What Happens When You Start Hope That Was Helpful

collinsmi

All that stuff was true of me. I'd never drink unless I thought it was a good idea. Problem was, I'd almost always think it was a good idea, especially if I thought about it for a little while. I could "control" my drinking, but it would require a lot of willpower and fly in the face of my natural inclination. A lot of times (99.99%), I'd figure it wasn't worth the bother, and "change my mind". Sometimes I'd make this choice without even being aware of it. Never been to jail? Me either, except for that night I got a DWI, and gosh, that could have happened to anyone!

There's a part of the big book where it says the alcoholic cannot "after a time differentiate between the true and the false". When I first read this, I thought the author was just talking about being drunk. But then the writing transitions to describing self deception. Maybe unconsciously you still want to drink. I remember feeling like that too. Part of being an alcoholic, maybe. It will pass (it did with me).

Would you be having these thoughts about any other type of allergy? Step work helped me see how I deceive myself. It also helped me see the beginnings of the extent to which it happened. Some say self deception is an important part of the make up of any human being, if we knew the truth about ourselves, we couldn't stand it! Another part of the big book "More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor." Apparently, being alcoholics, we carry on a bit too much (way to much). I didn't end my self deception by taking the steps but I can begin to combat it. Being able to look at my own life more objectively is an unexpected (and most welcome) gift!

nandm

Lingering doubt......I can not say I struggled with lingering doubt. I surrendered to the fact that I was an alcoholic before I made it into recovery.

Yes, there were times throughout my drinking I would have some semblence of control. I did not go to jail for drinking. I did not drink daily. I spent a year not drinking because my ex husband said I was an alcoholic. In fact in the 3 months prior to quitting I only had 5 or 6 drinks total. I could see that as control but deep inside I know it was not because I was in control of the alcohol. The alcohol controlled me. I had been frightened enough by a head injury while drinking that it forced me to slow down those 3 months and ultimately led me to recovery. The reason I say I was not in control was because the alcohol still had control over me, I still thought about drinking, wished I could, worried that I would, and in general stressed about the whole thing.

When I made it to recovery, I still had it together on the outside. Had a nice home, nice car, good job, nice clothes, my kids, etc..... But on the inside I was a wreck. I was anxious, scared someone might see the real me and then they would not like me, tired of life, scared of the future, regretted the past, did not want to live but did not want to die, my insides were unmanageable. In general I was a wreck. Each person's bottom is different. One does not have to wind up on skid row before they work on recovery. They just have to come to a place where they are ready to surrender to the fact that the alcohol is controlling them not them controlling the alcohol.

Hope this makes some sense to you and wish you the best. You are the one who has to decide whether or not you are an alcoholic, no one can determine that for you. I say that because if you don't feel that you have a problem with alcohol then you probably will not stay sober.

TorontoGuy28

Doubts ? Yup, sure had those and there are days when I feel like this whole sobriety thing is too much for me to handle... I say the Serenity Prayer, and recall my last drunk and how it affected me, my family and people I cared for... At the end of the day, I quit for me, not anyone else...

savoy

After 5 yrs dry I took the advice in the Big Book and stepped over to the nearest bar and tried some controlled drinking.
No problem. So I just drank the way I wanted. Fine.

6 months later I had been drunk for 5 months, how does this happen?
Its cunning, baffling and powerfull.
What is?

My alcoholic ego is.

Very soon after getting dry again I got started in the steps, a false start but then decided to quit BS'ing myself and get down and honestly try it.

Remember Bill W could get dry for periods, he just couldn't stay dry.

md20

Hi everyone.
Thanks to all of you who have put in the time and effort to comment so helpfully- and positively too. I need that. I feel a sense of relief having read over your comments. I know it's ultimately down to me to accept my alcoholism - but your comments have really helped me get one step further to this.

Reading over all your comments I suddenly got the notion that maybe all this is me just not wanting to accept it- all this waiting for the right time or the right piece of advice - for me to go "oh right i see now, i accept it." - is just my subconcious trying to avoid me accepting it to get better. Reading over every single comment i could have this feeling of that's it i get it now - but then something would come into my head as usual - a doubt again. It's my over analytical head and - as some of mentioned, my alcoholism. I see that.

I have accepted it. I have. All this grappling over it- feeding my doubts and alcoholism- i'm not doing it anymore. I know i'm powerless over alochol. My life was unmanagable.I've accepted it. Thank God! It feels good just typing it. Thanks again to all of you - your comment s do genuinely mean a lot to me. You have guided me in the right way to accept this. I accept i'm an alcoholic.

zxcirce

I think it's the most normal thing in the world to have these questions, mandi. I know I did! It took 4 years and continued relapses, short sober times, guilt and the cycle starting over for me to stop questioning.

Especially so early into recovery, it's natural and normal to wonder if you're doing the right thing. I have over 3 years now, and sometimes damned if I don't think "I bet I could get away with one drink today..." or something. It blows my mind!! I know I'm not able to do that, but the little voice still comes back every once in a while to keep me on my toes!

Good luck.

kelsh

Hi Mandy,

I was one of those that didn't have a DUI, didn't lose a job, didn't lose my children, didn't go into debt but did look and feel very unhealthy...had a very red face from allergy of the alcohol, the shame of this red face, when I went to work & it goes on and on...I was at my bottom with me. :sorry

I was lucky because the craving for alcohol didn't happen with me. I so bad wanted to quit drinking more than anything else in my life. I went to AA, got a Sponsor that helped me work through the steps, went to 30 days of In-patient treatment, helped other alcoholics, gave up some very special friendships that were involved with alcohol, and started living a sober life. I had my depression to deal with and didn't have the amount of medicaton on board to treat it until I had been sober 9 months. :ghug I had so many people helping me though...and a lot of AA friends that would wave at me even driving down the road. I live in a very rural area.

It does all come down to you though. You are the one to take a look at the "writing on the wall" to help you decide if you do have problems when drinking. It doesn't matter how often, or how much you drink it is what happens when you drink.

Keep coming back...read...post...share some of your experiences.

kelsh

sugErspun

How it came to me:
I had a realization (through reading the book with someone who had recovered, and talking about my life) - that based on my experience, I am going to drink again. There is no stopping it, there is nothing 'I' can do about it. No matter how bad I want to stop, I will drink again. Step one does not paint a pretty picture, it did not give me any sense of relief. Oxford groups called it 'complete deflation' - that is how I felt during that time (step one lasted a couple months) - hopeless, deflated, raw.

Then I was offered a solution....

BP44

Step 1 asks us two important questions in the first 44 pages of the Big Book. Can I control my drinking EVERY TIME I drink. It is a yes or no answer. Then they ask us if given sufficient reason we can stop entirely. Have I lost the power of choice in he first drink. Loss of control and loss of choice are the phenomenon of craving and the mental obsession. It also asks us to identify if it's getting worse. When I look at my drinking career from the first drink to the last drink, is it progressing? These questions are crucial to qualify me for this program. Unmanageablility is the other half of step 1. But I like to think of it as the third part. When I look at unmanageability I look at how my drinking effected every area of my life, people, employment, legal, finances, education. Then I look at the spiritual malady. Am I irritable, restless, discontented, fearful, anxious, depressed, angry when I don't drink. My unmanageability is bound up in the spiritual malady. That's why things get worse for me after I stop drinking, unless the spiritual malady is treated. Now we get a grace period when we feel good after quitting. Some people call it a pink cloud. I call it God's grace. My experience has been that if I don't start doing some step work by the time that grace period ends, the spiritual malady will be there, and the obsession will eventually return. So, those three things, phenomenon of craving, mentaL obsession, and spiritual malady are critical for me to identify in my first step. When I did it thoroughly and honestly, I saw a hopeless condition. I needed a way out. That's when my sponsor said that if I was willing to go to any lengths, he would take me through the remaining 11 steps and that I would have a spiritual experience, and that I would recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. He has not lied to me.

paulmh

Hi Mandi!

I can't do any better than this -

It's so perfect I think I'll just change my sig.

Take it easy!

md20

Thanks for all the new comments. It's so good to come on this site and go to A.A. mtngs and have people understand what i mean- and whats more help me too. Im feeling better about these doubts today- in that i feel i have acepted my alcoholism. Time will tell. But i feel i have. Im sick of dweliing on silly doubts- although they're normal- i want to use my energy to concentrate on the solution rather than the problem now. I now it means a lot of hard work, but im looking forward to starting my 12 steps again.

Im going to two mtngs tonight which im looking forward to. Hope everyone is ok. Thanks again