Dee_Sober4today

Since my original thread was lost with the crash, I wanted to start a new one with a hopeful title.

Not feeling too hopeful today, though Day 8.

I was supposed to go to a recruiter today and I re-scheduled and now feel guilty.

It's just that I am feeling so tired and so depressed. I didn't have most any withdrawal symptoms but yesterday and today I feel SO lethargic. It seems I can't sleep fitful. I toss and turn and this morning I saw big black sunken circles staring back at me in the mirror. I was afraid I wouldn't be articulate enough on the interview.
I took a benadryl and slept from 10 AM until 3PM like a rock!!! But, as soon as I awoke I felt so anxious that I didn't make the recruiter.
I rescheduled it for Monday in the hopes that I would feel better and be at my best (or at least better than today).
I'm having big time sugar cravings for the first time and just ate some cookie dough.
I really feel like drinking and I'm scared. I'm not feeling very hopeful today. (I think I said that already).
This sux....

NoMoBeer

Can you get to a meeting Dee?

Until then, keep working on that cookie dough!!!

Insomnia is part of recovery for some folks, I still get it frequently after 3 years sober. Last night I was in a beautiful hotel room in San Francisco in a really comfy bed, and WIDE AWAKE!!!! Oh well, life goes on I guess.

Hang in there, stay positive -- most of all, don't pick up a drink no matter what! That will only make things worse, never better.

Just for today...

Ken

CarolD

Please go up to the top sticky thread
and find the links for PAWS and Sleep problems.

Blessings to you and Sean

Dee_Sober4today

Can't get to a meeting. Just got home with Sean and he's exhausted and has a ton of homework. I found a site that has some audio meetings so I'll probably listen to those and read the Big Book.
Gonna try to get to a meeting tomorrow morning or afternoon. But, this sounds stupid..How does that help? It doesn't take away the anxiety of not having a job. It doesn't help my feelings of self hatred for losing and screwing up so many wonderful opportunities.
I know I'm being a downer. I see people in the rooms and they themselves are still struggling so much.
I'm aiming all my irritability at Sean and I don't want to do that. My body feels like every nerve is on edge. Just the sound of Sean eating right now is going through my like fingernails on a black board. My thoughts are scattered. I have so much to do and no energy to do any of it.
I forgot to give Sean money for the book fair today and I feel miserable that he was left out.
This is horrible.

Sugah

How does it help? For every person struggling in the room, there's probably another, or several others, who have been through it and survived. Draw your hope from that.

Recovery, for me, began with a series of actions that changed the way I interact with the world. Problems don't cease to exist, but through the lens of a sober eye, they shrink back down to a manageable size. I learned that through reading the BB, as you're doing, taking the steps with a sponsor, and going to a lot of meetings where I could listen to the experience of others who've gone before me.

I'm sorry things are tough today. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep trying to do the next right thing and it will get better.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

CarolD

Dee...you are in alcohol withdrawal.
It is miserable and uncomfortable

Have a healthy dinner ...a bubble bath
and then help Sean with his homework.

Keep in focus..you will improve as long
as you don't re-activate your disease.

Anna

Hi Dee,

Try to believe that you made the right choice today to skip the recruiter and take care of yourself for the next few days. By Monday, hopefully, you'll feel better. The basics matter like eating well, resting (even if you can't sleep). Try meditating if you can, even for a few minutes, because it gives your mind a chance to rest. Above all, be kind to yourself.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I agree with Sug and Carol, Dee...

Keep going to meetings hon until you start "getting it". I was unemployed early in my sobriety, it WAS depressing, but my sponsor told me "you are right where you are supposed to be". It gave me a crap load of time to work on my recovery.

I hear those bubbles calling your name!!

nandm

Dee,

You have recieved some wonderful suggestions from each of the above posters. I think many of us can relate to the difficult time you are having right now. I am glad to see you are doing your best to tough it out. I realize that hearing about how someone else is struggling does not necessarily make the struggle easier but it does help to know we are not alone.

Please read about PAWS like Carol suggested. I was over 5 years sober before I heard of it but it explained a lot to me as to what I had been feeling and gone through. It does give some wonderful suggestions on how to ease the discomfort that you are experiencing.

If you are up to reading a story of struggling in early sobriety, look up mine. At 6 months sober I wound up in a wreck, unable to walk, unable to work, unable to take care of my children, unable to even get to the bathroom alone. I did not even know if I was going to be able to walk again. I experienced many struggles during the majority of my sobriety. Like many others. I can not say there were not times I considered taking the "easier softer way" (as it appeared to be at the time) and pick up the drink. I know now, just as I knew then that I could not go back to that life of drinking. I could not put my children or myself through that.

Today, I am unemployed once again. I am unable to go back to a good paying career that I have had for over 20 years now because of a back injury (was rear-ended while stopped to let someone cross at a crosswalk). My money has basically run out. I am hoping that the insurance settlement will at least pay my current bills off. I am not even dreaming that it will pay for the school that I am in to try and learn a new career. Student loans are handling that right now. My retirement, savings, and everthing has been eaten up by my inability to return to any job that requires lifting. It is amazing how many have "ability to life 25 pounds or more" on the application.

But through working the steps, and hanging in there during the tough times I have learned that my life is sometimes none of my business. What I mean by that is part of the 3rd step prayer is letting my HP know that I am willing to have my HP build and do with me as he wishes. So my job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that my HP has a better plan for me than I could have done. Even if it is just to utilize me as a tool to help give others hope.

I choose to see my career change as an opportunity to pursue my dreams. I know that my HP has taken care of me financially in the past and will continue to do so in the future. I can not allow fear and dread of tomorrow to discourage me from the task at hand. Which is live in today, be the best I can be today, help others today, etc....

I know I have been long winded here and do appologize. I am glad to see you posting here. Stick around a while, you will be amazed before you are halfway through (I truely believe that).

Judith

ccirider

Hi Sugah:

The name of the city you are from is torturing me. I can prononunce Bombay, Hong Kong, Cairo, Moscow, Tokyo, etc., but I have no idea how to pronounce the city you are from. Who thought up that crazy name?

BTW, I agree with your comments about recovery and interacting with the world in a changed way. When I was in addictive mode, I was constantly overreacting to events. As a matter of fact, some members of family thought that I was bipolar, and even I thought that I might be.

Since I have been in recovery, my mood swings are less extreme. When something good happens to me, I am not as manic as before. When something bad happens to me, I don't get as depressed as before. My moods are much more manageable now that they are not bouncing between extremes. I don't know if you can relate to that or not, but addiction reaked havoc on my emotions. I didn't know what it was like to be emotionally stable because emotional instability was my norm.

Hi Dee:

I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well today. Hang in there because you will start feeling better, and when you do, you are not going to want to go back to where you came from. It's a tough road, sort of like the wagon trains heading west during the pioneer days, but it's worth the effort.

Peace.

savoy

I felt like that for yrs, in and out of hospitals for tests, a really GOOD psychiatrist, good meds etc, still it continued.

Krissy2007

Hey Dee! Hang in there. I know how you feel, and I know how much it all sucks. I am having a hard time staying positive as well. What is helping me is the one day at a time thought. Someone told me tonight at a meeting that all I have to do is not drink today, and go to a meeting. I don't have to stress about all the stuff I am going to have to do to get sober emotionally as well, which is really freaking me out. One day at a time. One day at a time. I'm on day 10 I think (I am not sure how to count it exactly - like Monday was a week, which is 7 days, but if you count the days (M, T, W, R, F, S, S, M) it is actually 8- what a dork I am!) - and I am over the major withdrawal stuff, but I woke up feeling like I had a hangover today. Not sure why - but I have also been very tired. We have put our bodies through so much, it will take time to get them back.

I know what you mean about Sean. I yelled at my kids for like 15 minutes this morning, and then I cried. They wouldn't listen, get their shoes on, etc, and we were going to miss the bus. Then I felt like crap. But, I just cuddled them both for a bit and thanked God that I was sober tonight to at least be with them, nicely, for a little bit today. Baby steps!

In terms of how it helps - it sucks while I am there and raw and emotional, but I feel better after. Not sure why. Keep coming back!!!

Sugah

Off Topic:

ccrider, it's Punk-soo-tawney, an Indian name for the little no-seeum bugs that hide in the high grass & have a nasty bite -- "Punky bites," as my mother used to call them. It's also known as the Weather Capital of the World, and a facsimile of it (set, actually, in Illinois) appears in the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.

Back On Topic:
How you doing, Dee?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee_Sober4today

Thanks everyone for the input.
Well, I'm sober. Sean and I watched "Santa Claus is coming to town" tonight and I made oatmeal cookies and hot cocoa with whipped cream. We cuddled and had a good night.
The only part that wasn't good was that I told him tomorrow would have been his dad's 38th birthday. He cried but he never wants to talk about how he's feeling. I could have NOT told him but I want him to remember his dad.
As we prayed tonight he asked me how many days sober I was...after I said 8 he said "That's great! What does sober mean?" LOL...
I hurt so much for Sean. He is such an awesome kid. He's funny and sweet and so caring. He's been raised around alot of adults and he fits right in. People love him. He doesn't deserve a dead father and a drunk mother. He deserves so much more. My heart hurts so much right now.

I hope this feeling of self loathing goes away soon. It's suffocating me....

shaktee

I think Sean has a wonderful mother. A mother who has not had a drink in 8 days and who made oatmeal cookies and spent time with him.

My mother had never had a drink in her life... but she was also never around when I was growing up. She also played a lot of mind games and beat the crap out of me. I had missing teeth as a child because she beat me so hard one day... they never grew back. Everyone has a different path in life. Everyone has different struggles. And we all make mistakes. I forgive her... she's my mom. What's more important.. is that she forgives herself.

I think, you'd like to be better at what you do. And I believe that one day in the near future you will be greater than you already are. But I also believe that you are a great person. I believe you are a great woman, and that you are a great mom. The very fact you want to be better... means you have something to strive for. You have a challenge to grow into. And I believe you can grow into it

I love you Dee. I love reading what you write. I love reading how you give others good vibes, and support. I wish I could give you that same strength you give others back to you. I wish you can also give it to yourself.

Tazman53

Perfectly normal, I was that way for several months at first, but it got better, I still get it a little bit now, but no where near as bad nor as often or long, it keeps getting better.

Everything you are feeling right now is normal, it will pass.

Why do meetings help? I really can not put a finger on exactly why, but knowing I am not alone, gaining hope from alcoholics who have been sober longer then I have, seeing other alcoholics who are still struggling helps as well.

One big thing that helps me in meetings is hearing solutions, how other sober alcoholics deal with life on day at a time without drinking.

Do you have any phone numbers of ladies in AA? I originally did not want to call those folks because I felt I was bothering them, well I have found that when I call someone even if they have been sober for 20 years that I am helping them stay sober just as much as they are helping me stay sober.

I love it now when another alcoholic calls me, whether it is because they have a problem they would like to talk about or just calling to shot the breeze, it does not matter, it helps me remember that I am not alone and there is a solution that works for millions of others as well as me.

tkdan

Hey Dee ,
Wish I would have been online last night while you where going through this. You have been very encouraging to me plus we are so close in days. Wow oatmeal cookies those bring back memories. I think you handled last night great, good job mom. Feel good about yourself, you are doing the right thing. Do whatever it takes to stay sober. Heck make oatmeal cookies every night if it does the trick. Just know that we are all here for you.

Dee_Sober4today

You are the most awesome bunch of people I have ever (not) met in my life :ghug2

Just the fact that you would take the time to read what I am going through and then post me a message still awes me.

I am feeling happier today. I slept from 10 AM til 3 PM yesterday and then from 11PM til 11AM this morning! (with a 1/2 hour break to take Sean to school). I can't believe I slept so much and fitfully! I really needed it.

I don't ever want to guess what God's plans are for me, but I have to feel that losing my job was part of it. If I was working right now..I wouldn't be getting sober.
I read the story about "The physician" (Acceptance was the answer) last nite in the Big Book.
I have utmost faith in my HP who I call Lord, but the acceptance thing sometimes rubs me the wrong way. Like anything that happens in our life we have NO control over. I guess I need to study a little more about acceptance. It goes against all I've known about "creating my own destiny"...I think it does anyway.

Anyone have input on ACCEPTANCE?

I'm going to a woman's meeting tonight at 7PM and for the rest of the afternoon, I think I will read the Big Book.

Sending you all out hope and strength :praying

Sugah

I don't know that we forsake input in creating our own destiny. I know that I have to have courage in situations that require my action, and acceptance in those that are beyond my ability, or responsibility/right, to change. Acceptance, to me, means accepting the outcome of my legwork, not doing nothing, expecting my needs to be met by some all-knowing, all-wise deity. I'm firmly 12 step, and I'm firmly pro-active. Acceptance, as I understand it, has nothing to do with inaction.

That's not saying that your current unemployment isn't a gift! You're working on your recovery, and that's not inactive. Acceptance, as I understand it, deals more with receiving help, whether from my HP or those around me (and that line is often blurred), in having right motives in taking action and in trusting that the result, either positive or perceived negative, as having something to offer me. Sometimes, it's learning a lesson and practicing more acceptance!

Was that convoluted enough?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee_Sober4today

I have a strong urge to drink today. It's Friday, dreary outside and I'm so bored. I have no motivation. My house is a mess and I slept alot again today.
I'm going to a 7:30 meeting but I wish there were more people my age/sex. I'm in Florida and the rooms seem to be filled with alot of older people...mostly men.
I thought I would maybe make friends...but haven't met anyone I'd feel comfortable "hanging out" with. Is the a social site for "Friends of Bill W??"
I went to a woman's meeting last night but it wasn't a great one. I haven't met one woman with kids around Sean's age or even close.
I'm really going to have to be careful tonight.....