Feeling really down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 9
Feeling really down
Friday night was my work christmas party and I drank too much. I don't remember the end of the evevning or leaving the party. I do remember throwing up in my boyfriends car and throwing up a lot when we got home. He isnt talking to me. Hasnt said more than a few words yesterday or today 
I wrote him a note telling him how sorry I am and that I know I have a problem. I told him I'm not going to drink anymore and asked for his help with that. He read the note but he's remained quiet. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and worry. What if he won't forgive me? We are supposed to get engaged around Christmas and now I feel like I've ruined it. Plus, I'm terribly anxious about going to work in the morning. What if I said something inappropriate or dumb to a coworker or worse, my boss? Pretty much everyone was drunk but since I don't remember the end of the night, who knows what I said? I feel terrible....like I've done something awful. I just want everything to be okay I feel anxious and worried....overwhelmingly so. I also feel very lonely. My family are all 4oo miles away. I don't have any close friends here yet and the only person I am close with here, is my boyfriend and he won't even look at me. I'm so ashamed of myself. and angry with myself.
I wrote him a note telling him how sorry I am and that I know I have a problem. I told him I'm not going to drink anymore and asked for his help with that. He read the note but he's remained quiet. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and worry. What if he won't forgive me? We are supposed to get engaged around Christmas and now I feel like I've ruined it. Plus, I'm terribly anxious about going to work in the morning. What if I said something inappropriate or dumb to a coworker or worse, my boss? Pretty much everyone was drunk but since I don't remember the end of the night, who knows what I said? I feel terrible....like I've done something awful. I just want everything to be okay I feel anxious and worried....overwhelmingly so. I also feel very lonely. My family are all 4oo miles away. I don't have any close friends here yet and the only person I am close with here, is my boyfriend and he won't even look at me. I'm so ashamed of myself. and angry with myself. 
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I can so relate to what you wrote. I don't know how many times something similiar occurred when I was drinking. Toward the end of my drinking I never knew who I was going to become when I drank; Dr. Jekyl or You Better Run and Hide. I would wake up (come to) the next day, not only feel like sh** because of how my body felt but because of what I was afraid I might have done, who might not be speaking to me, etc....
The following quote sums up where I was at toward the end of my drinking, maybe you can relate.
The only thing I can offer you is my experience which is when I came to the place where I realized that alcohol had control over me and that my life had become unmanageable because of my drinking, I found A.A. was able to help me learn to live life without having the need or desire to drink.
There are many roads to recovery and whatever path you choose I wish you the best. Please keep us posted. You are not alone, we are here as well as many others around the world.
The following quote sums up where I was at toward the end of my drinking, maybe you can relate.
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship, and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom, and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt--and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did--then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen---Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand.
From page 151; The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did--then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen---Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand.
From page 151; The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
There are many roads to recovery and whatever path you choose I wish you the best. Please keep us posted. You are not alone, we are here as well as many others around the world.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Out of my mind
Posts: 113
I think if your boyfriend saw you put a plan into action maybe he'd be more apt to believe you were serious?
I remember (or not so much) one night out (okay maybe a few)with coworkers where I made an absolute fool out of myself. One time I couldn't even make it to my cousin's wedding the next day becasue I was so sick.
Most times the co-workers were just as messed up and didn't remember much either, so don't get yourself anxious over that.
Make a plan (AA?) and try and stick to it. The holiday season has just begun....do you want more nights like this???
More importantly if you really love your man...do u wanna lose him? I've lost a few good catches because of alcohol. Don't make the same mistakes as me.
Hang in there
Denise
I remember (or not so much) one night out (okay maybe a few)with coworkers where I made an absolute fool out of myself. One time I couldn't even make it to my cousin's wedding the next day becasue I was so sick.
Most times the co-workers were just as messed up and didn't remember much either, so don't get yourself anxious over that.
Make a plan (AA?) and try and stick to it. The holiday season has just begun....do you want more nights like this???
More importantly if you really love your man...do u wanna lose him? I've lost a few good catches because of alcohol. Don't make the same mistakes as me.
Hang in there
Denise
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Welcome Chai
After years of self inflicted humiliation and shame, I was ready to surrender. I havn't had a drink in 26 months, and I don't miss the problems it caused in my life.
Many of us reach a point where we realize that the negative outweighs the positive with drinking.
There are several options available for recovery programs. Many of us find that we need support. Do you have people you can talk to about this? Please keep posting.
We are here to help you.
chip
After years of self inflicted humiliation and shame, I was ready to surrender. I havn't had a drink in 26 months, and I don't miss the problems it caused in my life.
Many of us reach a point where we realize that the negative outweighs the positive with drinking.
There are several options available for recovery programs. Many of us find that we need support. Do you have people you can talk to about this? Please keep posting.
We are here to help you.
chip
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Chai,
Thank you for bringing back to my memory--the past few years of my last job's Christmas parties. My current job will be having their Christmas party this upcoming Wednesday--I'm a little hesitant about going. The boss and most of the employees have already said they are planning to drink (why not, the boss will be buying dinner & all the booze).
But, a few employees have already stated they probably will not attend. I know I don't have to if I am still feeling nervous about it on that day.
I guess I'll wait and see "how spiritually fit" I am when the time comes--otherwise I'll pass & go to a meeting instead.
Thank you for bringing back to my memory--the past few years of my last job's Christmas parties. My current job will be having their Christmas party this upcoming Wednesday--I'm a little hesitant about going. The boss and most of the employees have already said they are planning to drink (why not, the boss will be buying dinner & all the booze).
But, a few employees have already stated they probably will not attend. I know I don't have to if I am still feeling nervous about it on that day.
I guess I'll wait and see "how spiritually fit" I am when the time comes--otherwise I'll pass & go to a meeting instead.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Chai... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
The feelings you're describing are what I refer to as the "alcoholic anguish"... I know them very well... You aren't insane... You aren't alone... And you don't have to feel that way ever again if you don't want to... There are literally millions of people who know *exactly* what you are feeling, myself included.
Give it a few days (a week) dry for the fear and feelings of doom. They'll still be there, but the crushing intensity and urgency should pass... You'll still have a few "messes" to deal with -- co-workers, boss, etc -- and I don't envy the week in front of you. Your brain chemistry is probably all messed up right now, (probably not a permanent condition), and I'd focus on smiling and doing my work rather than trying to go around apologizing to everyone -- in other words, "putting it behind you" as far as the work situation is concerned.
The almost-fiancee is going to be a much more delicate situation, and more than anything, its all going to depend on what's already been built between you two...
Has he seen you like this before? ... Is he a drinker? ... You say you're "planning to get engaged", (maybe its a guy thing, but I never heard of that one! letting her know that you're "planning to ask her"! unless maybe he's been "scamming" you?) ... Its a pretty sure bet that he's already been thinking and re-thinking the commitment. Perhaps he's thinking "whew, I found out just in time!", or maybe he's thinking "well, here's an acceptable excuse to dump her"...
You've already said your "sorry"'s to him. Live up to them... I wouldn't worry about the engagement thing at this point -- any way you look at it, its probably going to be delayed while he sorts out his feelings towards you -- "things have changed", kind of thing. There's nothing you can do about that now except deal with the results.
So deal with them... Accept it and live up to your apology... If you are serious, then find an AA group immediately and start going to meetings. The almost-fiancee thing might not ever happen, but then again it still might. Being sober will certainly help you deal with whichever way things will work out.
You Are NOT Alone!!!!!!! *hugs*
The feelings you're describing are what I refer to as the "alcoholic anguish"... I know them very well... You aren't insane... You aren't alone... And you don't have to feel that way ever again if you don't want to... There are literally millions of people who know *exactly* what you are feeling, myself included.
Give it a few days (a week) dry for the fear and feelings of doom. They'll still be there, but the crushing intensity and urgency should pass... You'll still have a few "messes" to deal with -- co-workers, boss, etc -- and I don't envy the week in front of you. Your brain chemistry is probably all messed up right now, (probably not a permanent condition), and I'd focus on smiling and doing my work rather than trying to go around apologizing to everyone -- in other words, "putting it behind you" as far as the work situation is concerned.
The almost-fiancee is going to be a much more delicate situation, and more than anything, its all going to depend on what's already been built between you two...
Has he seen you like this before? ... Is he a drinker? ... You say you're "planning to get engaged", (maybe its a guy thing, but I never heard of that one! letting her know that you're "planning to ask her"! unless maybe he's been "scamming" you?) ... Its a pretty sure bet that he's already been thinking and re-thinking the commitment. Perhaps he's thinking "whew, I found out just in time!", or maybe he's thinking "well, here's an acceptable excuse to dump her"...
You've already said your "sorry"'s to him. Live up to them... I wouldn't worry about the engagement thing at this point -- any way you look at it, its probably going to be delayed while he sorts out his feelings towards you -- "things have changed", kind of thing. There's nothing you can do about that now except deal with the results.
So deal with them... Accept it and live up to your apology... If you are serious, then find an AA group immediately and start going to meetings. The almost-fiancee thing might not ever happen, but then again it still might. Being sober will certainly help you deal with whichever way things will work out.
You Are NOT Alone!!!!!!! *hugs*
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