Morning meditations and thoughts...
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Morning meditations and thoughts...
I sit at the computer on a chilly, Ozark morning, thinking of my life and what I do that destroys the essence of it. I continually battle the possession of my life and mind by alcohol. Had I only known that evening, some 45 years ago, the frolic of driving down the road with Don, Dewayne, and (memory loss here) drinking beer for the first time, was the priming of the pump. I remember the warm glow of alcohol flooding my brain, making me ten feet taller, evaporating the pimples on my face, and making me a man.
Had I only known 40 years ago, that evening of my first date with Kathy, sitting in my apartment drinking and smoking pot until I couldn't even hold my head straight enough to look into her deep, beautiful eyes, that I was cementing my addiction.
Had I only known 30 years ago, sitting in a bar flirting with the beautiful, blue-eyed barmaid who would eventually be the demise of my marriage, drinking until I could hardly find my way home, that I was lost to the bottle.
Had I only known 20 years ago, that had I continued going to AA meetings in that old Italian Gothic house in St. Joe, I could have possibly broke that chain of addiction. Instead, I judged those people as "worse than me" and eventually returned to the slavery of the bottle.
Had I only known 10 years ago, when I started a new job in a new part of the country, I could have started everything anew. Instead, I chose to continue my path of destruction and go to my new job with a fuzzy head and a jittery stomach.
Now I know, today, that the battle I had allowed to begin and grow still plagues me as always. Each day I suffer the urges to imbibe in the fog and disillusionment of alcohol. Some days I succumb to the sweet song of the bitch, sometimes I am able to turn away. Some days I am ready for battle, sword at my side and commitment fueling my actions. Other days, I lay whimpering in a corner, tired of trying, and she comes again, cooing soft words and burning kisses on my lips and I give in as she rapes me again. The numbing of her embrace allows me not to think of 45 years ago, when she first touched my lips.
Had I only known...
Pray for yourselves, pray for your fellow sufferers...pray for me.
Padraic
Had I only known 40 years ago, that evening of my first date with Kathy, sitting in my apartment drinking and smoking pot until I couldn't even hold my head straight enough to look into her deep, beautiful eyes, that I was cementing my addiction.
Had I only known 30 years ago, sitting in a bar flirting with the beautiful, blue-eyed barmaid who would eventually be the demise of my marriage, drinking until I could hardly find my way home, that I was lost to the bottle.
Had I only known 20 years ago, that had I continued going to AA meetings in that old Italian Gothic house in St. Joe, I could have possibly broke that chain of addiction. Instead, I judged those people as "worse than me" and eventually returned to the slavery of the bottle.
Had I only known 10 years ago, when I started a new job in a new part of the country, I could have started everything anew. Instead, I chose to continue my path of destruction and go to my new job with a fuzzy head and a jittery stomach.
Now I know, today, that the battle I had allowed to begin and grow still plagues me as always. Each day I suffer the urges to imbibe in the fog and disillusionment of alcohol. Some days I succumb to the sweet song of the bitch, sometimes I am able to turn away. Some days I am ready for battle, sword at my side and commitment fueling my actions. Other days, I lay whimpering in a corner, tired of trying, and she comes again, cooing soft words and burning kisses on my lips and I give in as she rapes me again. The numbing of her embrace allows me not to think of 45 years ago, when she first touched my lips.
Had I only known...
Pray for yourselves, pray for your fellow sufferers...pray for me.
Padraic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
For what an atheist's prayers are worth, sure I'll pray - but I'll bet your prayers are more elegant and classy than mine!
Tell you what - I'll make mine simple.
G*d - let Padraic see that he only has one life.
Tell you what - I'll make mine simple.
G*d - let Padraic see that he only has one life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
You've got my prayers Pad. I have to remember though that God will do His part if I do mine.
And Paulmh, as far as I know, God even loves Atheists, and listens as well. Keep praying, however you do it.:praying
And Paulmh, as far as I know, God even loves Atheists, and listens as well. Keep praying, however you do it.:praying
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Lol, Music I know G*d listens to atheists because every time I pray my life gets better. G*d doesn't seem to mind what I believe, so I figure I'll stick with the old belief till He tells me I'm ready for a new one.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Padraic,
Given the well crafted prose and obvious introspection it seems that you may have succumbed to the most devious of all the dragons that come from a bottle, Self pity.
What a shame to see an intellect and talent be wasted due to a lack of action. Prayers are readily available for all of us both on this site and in the hearts of those who concern themselves with our well being, but even God's rudder won't steer a boat that isn't moving!
Just my suggestion, but what about channeling your energy into a concerted effort to immerse yourself in the fellowship of AA and use the gifts that you obviously have to help other less articulate folks understand and achieve sobriety? You may find that in doing so, since you will as a matter of course need to become familiar with the program yourself, in order to help others, you might end up sober as well.
The world needs fellows like you and you are fully aware of your aptitude to bring clarity to others with regard to feelings and desires as well as your own regrets. I suggest that you may find great satisfaction in the success of a sober life, as opposed to the musings about the waste of what is now your past.
There is nothing that any of us can do to rewrite the misspent times, but as you and I are approximately the same age I can assure you that the sober observations of a present and a bright future without regrets can be just as powerful and equally dramatic.
Life deals out PAIN in its own doses and there is no choice afforded any of us. However MISERY is optional!
Just an old retired drunk's observations.
Jon
Given the well crafted prose and obvious introspection it seems that you may have succumbed to the most devious of all the dragons that come from a bottle, Self pity.
What a shame to see an intellect and talent be wasted due to a lack of action. Prayers are readily available for all of us both on this site and in the hearts of those who concern themselves with our well being, but even God's rudder won't steer a boat that isn't moving!
Just my suggestion, but what about channeling your energy into a concerted effort to immerse yourself in the fellowship of AA and use the gifts that you obviously have to help other less articulate folks understand and achieve sobriety? You may find that in doing so, since you will as a matter of course need to become familiar with the program yourself, in order to help others, you might end up sober as well.
The world needs fellows like you and you are fully aware of your aptitude to bring clarity to others with regard to feelings and desires as well as your own regrets. I suggest that you may find great satisfaction in the success of a sober life, as opposed to the musings about the waste of what is now your past.
There is nothing that any of us can do to rewrite the misspent times, but as you and I are approximately the same age I can assure you that the sober observations of a present and a bright future without regrets can be just as powerful and equally dramatic.
Life deals out PAIN in its own doses and there is no choice afforded any of us. However MISERY is optional!
Just an old retired drunk's observations.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by paulmh 
Lol, Music I know G*d listens to atheists because every time I pray my life gets better. G*d doesn't seem to mind what I believe, so I figure I'll stick with the old belief till He tells me I'm ready for a new one.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Action!
If you can't stay sober in your
present remote location
then move to where AA is available.
You will carry your talent along
Your part time job is needed everywhere
You can come out of the woods
and save your self.
(+) (+) (+) Hugs and Prayers
If you can't stay sober in your
present remote location
then move to where AA is available.
You will carry your talent along
Your part time job is needed everywhere
You can come out of the woods
and save your self.
(+) (+) (+) Hugs and Prayers
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Jon,
Please don't mistake me for someone who does nothing or is not moving. I consciously try different things constantly to break my addiction. Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn't. As far as self-pity, yes, you are correct...I was doing that a bit, but mostly it was an introspection, a photo album, if you will, to show others coming into sobriety that struggles are there. Sometimes a lifetime of them. If I can show a 17 year old that happens to this site for whatever reason, that the danger starts slow, almost innocently in the beginning before manifesting into a raging beast a few years later.
CarolD, moving is not an option for me at this time. My surroundings have saved me from drinking more than providing a motive. My buddhist persuasions are usually enhanced by the seclusion and nature...it's when I forget to live, I drink.
Thank you all for your concerns and responses. It is what fuels me to return to the path. I humbly bow to you all.
Padraic
Please don't mistake me for someone who does nothing or is not moving. I consciously try different things constantly to break my addiction. Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn't. As far as self-pity, yes, you are correct...I was doing that a bit, but mostly it was an introspection, a photo album, if you will, to show others coming into sobriety that struggles are there. Sometimes a lifetime of them. If I can show a 17 year old that happens to this site for whatever reason, that the danger starts slow, almost innocently in the beginning before manifesting into a raging beast a few years later.
CarolD, moving is not an option for me at this time. My surroundings have saved me from drinking more than providing a motive. My buddhist persuasions are usually enhanced by the seclusion and nature...it's when I forget to live, I drink.
Thank you all for your concerns and responses. It is what fuels me to return to the path. I humbly bow to you all.
Padraic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Padraic.
We started on this site with the same sober day. I tripped and you stayed strong.
Then I found AA. I went to meetings. You had seclusion and nature and peace and your HP. You seeemed so serene. I was in awe because my life was chaos.
Meetings were not enough. I had to have a sponsor take me through the steps and I had a spiritual awakening. I have it every day. I help others. It's amazing. I wish you could try it.
You know how bad I was. You could tell.
Well Pad - yesterday I can honestly say was the best day I ever lived. Until today that is. Each day is more wonderful.
Please try it. It's there if you want it. It's indescribably goooooood.
I hope you don't have to go any lower to make it your first priority.
We started on this site with the same sober day. I tripped and you stayed strong.
Then I found AA. I went to meetings. You had seclusion and nature and peace and your HP. You seeemed so serene. I was in awe because my life was chaos.
Meetings were not enough. I had to have a sponsor take me through the steps and I had a spiritual awakening. I have it every day. I help others. It's amazing. I wish you could try it.
You know how bad I was. You could tell.
Well Pad - yesterday I can honestly say was the best day I ever lived. Until today that is. Each day is more wonderful.
Please try it. It's there if you want it. It's indescribably goooooood.
I hope you don't have to go any lower to make it your first priority.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Padraic,
I know that everyone finds their own solution, or doesn't, but in the end the result is what we are all seeking. Having been in a similar situation I simply offer a tale of what for the past 8+ years has worked for me. That is AA, a determination to no longer live the way I had been living and a firm belief that I couldn't do it by myself.
It is my sincere hope that you find the same joy that sober living has brought to me.
Good Luck,
Jon
I know that everyone finds their own solution, or doesn't, but in the end the result is what we are all seeking. Having been in a similar situation I simply offer a tale of what for the past 8+ years has worked for me. That is AA, a determination to no longer live the way I had been living and a firm belief that I couldn't do it by myself.
It is my sincere hope that you find the same joy that sober living has brought to me.
Good Luck,
Jon
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Padriac go back and reread you first post, I could have written that post just change some names and some places.
Do you know why I said "I" could have written that post? Because "I" spent 10 years trying to beat that beast alone, it was "I" and the beast, it was "I" & everything!
"I""I""I""I""I""I" "I" stayed drunk because "I" could not admit that "I" needed help.
Well "I" finally figured out that in order for "I" to get and stay sober "I" had to become "WE"!!!
"I" is a lonely person "I" discovered, "I" also discovered that "I" was an alcoholic who needed to become "WE" in order to get and stay sober in order for me to live.
Padriac your innerself knows you can not beat this alone, that is why you are posting here. If you could get "I" to swallow his pride and reach out and try to become "WE" you would not have to battle the beast alone.
In my case "I" battled the beast for the last 10 years of my drinking alone and "I" lost, "I" even surrendered to alcohol. This was actually the beginniing of "WE"!
Today I stay sober one day at a time as we all work together to help each other get and stay sober.
Yes there is still an "I" in my life, but that "I" is no longer alone, that "I" is no long self centered and thinking that "I" alone battle the beast, "WE" battle the beast togather and today "I" along with "WE" claim victory over the beast today!
Will "I" pray for you? You darn right "I" will! "I" will pray that you find the power to escape self and enter the world of "WE". The beast "I" have found can be beaten one day at a time by "WE"!
Do you know why I said "I" could have written that post? Because "I" spent 10 years trying to beat that beast alone, it was "I" and the beast, it was "I" & everything!
"I""I""I""I""I""I" "I" stayed drunk because "I" could not admit that "I" needed help.
Well "I" finally figured out that in order for "I" to get and stay sober "I" had to become "WE"!!!
"I" is a lonely person "I" discovered, "I" also discovered that "I" was an alcoholic who needed to become "WE" in order to get and stay sober in order for me to live.
Padriac your innerself knows you can not beat this alone, that is why you are posting here. If you could get "I" to swallow his pride and reach out and try to become "WE" you would not have to battle the beast alone.
In my case "I" battled the beast for the last 10 years of my drinking alone and "I" lost, "I" even surrendered to alcohol. This was actually the beginniing of "WE"!
Today I stay sober one day at a time as we all work together to help each other get and stay sober.
Yes there is still an "I" in my life, but that "I" is no longer alone, that "I" is no long self centered and thinking that "I" alone battle the beast, "WE" battle the beast togather and today "I" along with "WE" claim victory over the beast today!
Will "I" pray for you? You darn right "I" will! "I" will pray that you find the power to escape self and enter the world of "WE". The beast "I" have found can be beaten one day at a time by "WE"!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
my prayers and intentions for you,my friend, are that your highest (and only) power may open your heart and mind to the steps needed tb taken into sobriety and the amazing life you are here with us to live and grow into!!!
1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Action
ready, set, go.....
1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Action
ready, set, go.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Don't know where you are at in your "program" man, but I like your writing. Thanks for sharing your creativity with us. I found myself on a journey into my own past as I read your words. We must be close to the same age, lol.
Yes, it was melancholy. I think all alcoholics share the same deep sense of loss and regret. You expressed these feelings well in your poignant post. Much better than drowning them in booze.
Yes, it was melancholy. I think all alcoholics share the same deep sense of loss and regret. You expressed these feelings well in your poignant post. Much better than drowning them in booze.
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