want to drink- but dont, feeling so low.
 

hi all,
well im not feeling to good at all. just want to drink! i want to be a normal 20yr old. i want to go out with my uni flat mates. theyre all out tonight- i want to join them. i just know i cant. im too scared to through all this away. i've got a great sponser, im doing my step 3 tommrow and want to be happy and sorted - i hate being me though. i know this is all self pity crap. but at the same time it doesnt stop me feeling so low. i cant explain - i just feel scared, anxious and depressed and dont know how to get out of it. i would ring my sponser but as usual my stupid head is keeping me frm doing right thing. i dont wanna ring her cos i am going to the mtng tonight she will be at, and im worried if i ring her shell just think im doing it so i can then go on to ask for a lift - and i know she cant really give me a lift cos shes not got the time. ive already booked my taxi but still i just feel embarrased ringing her incase she thinks im just making up feeling low to get a lift!? its abasaloutely bonkers. i mean i know this is pathetic but this is how my bloody head works. it's like bloody torture. oh God i dunno, ill prob feel better after the mtng, and then feel silly writing all of this, but i just had to share my thoughts and feelings before the mtng, im scared im going to drink- i want to, i wish i could, but i know it cant happen. it will not be a good move at all.

but i hate feeling lonely and left out frm uni pals who can all go out and drink. and if the truth be told im not really too interested in hanging out with them, just wanna go out and DRINK with them. i just wish i could click my fingers and start all over again. i dont want to be in this place. i want to be normal, i wan to be happy. im desperate for contentment. ive never had it before. i crave it just as much as i want to drink- more so. most of the time im ok. its just fri's and sats' - cos thats when i would mainly booze and thats when everyone else does so its all around me. im really sorry for this downer - i wish i could an inspiration at 7 weeks sober but i wouldnt be honest if i were to say all is good. its hell right now. but i know its still v early days. ive still got sooooo much more to do and learn about this. help! :(

Hang in there Mandi...

I drank a lot in University and that's one of my biggest regrets...

Stay busy, go for a workout, rent a DVD ! Nothing good comes out of getting drink, absolutely nothing.

Also, I don't think your sponsor will mind you calling her.

How about getting new, sober roommates at your University ?

Would you be able to phone someone else Mandi?

Keep putting in the right actions, and the right feelings will come xx

Hi Mandi, congrats on your sober time! :)

I had a day this week where I was DYING for a drink but at the same time KNEW I wouldnt, it was awful.
It DOES pass, I promise. I have a lot of respect for you for doing this at 20, its the most important thing you could ever do. :)

My head works the same way yours does, Mandi. Less so today, but still. I remember what it was like - especially in those early days of sobriety. I'm so impressed with your sobriety, especially given your age. You should be proud of yourself. I understand wanting to drink, truly I do. We are alcoholics, and it's normal for us to drink, or to obsess about it when we can't.
I'm glad you're going to your meeting. Share with your sponsor when you get there. Tell the truth, and keep yourself safe. This will pass, and it will get easier. Keep reaching out, and I hope you make some sober friends you are able to spend time with doing something you enjoy.
Remember - she is your sponsor for a reason - use her! You may help her to stay sober today.
Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Row

Hey Mandi

Thanks for sharing how you're feeling, there's no right and wrong in this, I know it's an old cliche but it's worth saying - we're not bad people trying to get good, we're sick people trying to get well.

And this -

He's right you know. I don't know if you're an alcoholic. But if you are, you could spend as many years as I did trying to drink like a normie, and you'll still be an alcoholic. Except you'll have a lot of nasty experiences to count too.

Enjoy your meeting. And I wish I was in Glasgow this weekend! (For the football, 'mericans)

scared, anxious and depressed and dont know how to get out of it...

Remember the following steps are going to get you outta it! Another reason to press forward.

Well done on your recovery progress!
:hug:

Blessings as you continue to live
healthy and sober...it's so worth the difficult times.

Hi Mandi,

I am glad that you're looking for support here. You seem to be understanding that your thinking you are bothering people by phoning them, is your addict mind talking to you. It is okay to ask for help and you are so worth it. I think a big part of recovery is accepting ourselves for who we are. Many addicts, me included, use alcohol to hide from themselves. I didn't like who I was at all and wanted very much to be different. It's a long road to learn to like and love yourself, but you are worth it.

Hi Mandi. Not much to add to what everyone else said except to send you all the best wishes possible. Being sober at university is not easy, when it seems like everything revolves around drinking, and (for most people) alcohol still seems fresh and exciting. Don't despair or be hard on yourself on account of what your feeling - you're doing something great and difficult.

(I like your sig: "The best solutions are often simple, yet unexpected." Reminded me of something Charles Mingus said: "Any fool can make the simple complicated, genius is making the complicated simple.")

Hi Mandi,

Good for you coming to Sober Recovery with your thoughts. Just think you are to your third step already. That is progress!!!! :Val004:

Hang in there and call someone...a friend or someone else you know in recovery. :comfort

kelsh

just wanted to send you support, mandi. hugs, k

Cunning, baffling, and powerful.

I can only imagine what it must be like to be 20, and in this program. When I first got sober, I too was resentful to the fact that I could not drink like a "normal" person. Many different thoughts came into my head questioning if I was a real alcoholic. It took me some moments to myself to pray to the God of my understanding, begging him to give me a clearing of the mind, so I could rationalize these thoughts of doubt I had. After I prayed, past events during my drinking days resurfaced, and it reminded me how powerful this disease is.

The first time I read the first 164 pages of the Big Book were during Big Book meetings. Like you I was starting to question if I really was an alcoholic, (this happened many times in the first months of sobriety). Just prior to my arrival, I was in a bad mood and was thinking I didn't belong in the room with these real alcoholics. About 15 minutes into the meeting it was my turn to read. We were on chapter 3, More About Alcoholism and I read this section...


We doubt if many of them can do it, because none will really want to stop, and hardly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired, will find he can win out. Several of our crowd, men of thirty or less, had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as helpless as those who had been drinking twenty years.

To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinkers, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their inability to stop. We, who are familiar with the symptoms, see large numbers of potential alcoholics among young people everywhere. But try and get them to see it!


This section of the chapter put things in perspective for me that day. Since then I no longer doubt if I am a real alcoholic or not. Hang in there, call your sponsor, and use the tools AA is showing you. They can save your life.


Tom

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new Happieness"
If I wasn't an Alcoholic, I wouldn't have had such a strong desire to be a "Normal Drinker".
I now have no desire to be a normal drinker. It seem so pointless.

Think about what you really deeply care about in your life. Use that as a premise to think about the future.