Emimily

good golly. you'd think at some point i'd be able to prevent myself from feeling this low. i know in AA we say "this too shall pass", but i'd really like some sort of ETA on when it's going to pass. i guess that's my will vs. God's will, one more time. i am so tired of being this f*cked up inside. i'm all anxious and depressed and i'm trying to get out of it by working with others and going to meetings, working on practicing my principles in all my affairs, etc. it's not working today. it's like... we hear one day at a time, but i've got to plan for my future a little bit, and i can't seem to hack a way out of my hole.

my stress is financial insecurity. in my world, it's pretty major financial insecurity. i make 11.60 an hour, i work 40 hours a week in a mental hospital dealing with angry crazy people all day. because i don't make enough money to live there, i just got a second job for the weekends working 16 hours a week at 7.25 an hour and i'm baby-sitting tomorrow night. i still can't see a way out. my phone got disconnected, i don't know how long it'll be before i can turn that back on. i have to write bad checks at grocery stores for gas money and food, and my bank will credit them but i get charged 30 dollars each time, so i'm perpetually overdrawn. i really don't have anything i can cut out of my life, i don't spend any money that isn't necessary. i quit my gym, so that's money i saved. i don't EVER buy clothes/shoes/leisure items. i don't go to movies, or rent movies. i don't eat out, ever. this isn't even exaggerating, this is legit. i really don't do any of this stuff. i don't have money for a cup of coffee with a friend. i had to borrow 20 bucks from a friend to put gas in my car, and it's already gone. i don't borrow anything i can't pay right back, but it's like... i work, all the time. come saturday, it'll be every single day, and i still can't see a way out. i am trying my absolute hardest to keep it together, but this has been going on for almost two months and i don't know what to do.

i absolutely believe that the big guy in the sky's lookin out for me, and my dad's watching over me, but it would be SO nice if my life would de-stress a bit. it's not enough that my dad died, or my gram had a stroke, or my dog's got an ear infection, i have to be beyond broke too? c'mon. this is like insult to injury here. and i know that it'll pass, i know i know, but jesus... i feel like i'm going to have a nervous breakdown, i really do. i don't know how to keep it all together. i guess just be grateful for the fact that i have jobs, and that i know how to make money, and keep my head up, but f*ck me this is exhausting.

i'm sorry this is so self-pity-poor-me-bullsh*t, blechhhh... i'm just tried of being worried about how i'm gonna eat and stuff. i work all the time! arrrgh... well, i guess i'll just get over it. what other choice do i have? at this point, even if i wanted to drink i couldn't afford it!

thanks.

Anna

Hi Emily,

I know it sucks that, even though you work hard, there's not enough money to get by.

I don't know what your living arrangements are, but can you find a less expensive place to live or maybe get a room-mate? Is it possible to live close to where you work so you can take public transportation? Cars are so expensive to run and to maintain.

I wish you well.

Rowan

Hi Emily,

I'm struggling financially myself, so you have my sympathies - and you've given me some inspiration on how to save money myself, so thank you for that.
I'm trying to get someone to rent my basement to bring in some extra coin, and I've just put a bunch of stuff for sale online i.e. furniture, old electronics, etc.
Like you, I know that drinking won't make this better, but it's still difficult.
I'm grateful to have food in my fridge, a job, a car, and a home. Anything else is just gravy - and that's how I've got to look at it.
Hang in there - you've been through a lot.

jrock

I found haveing someone to guide me through the process i.e. sponsor, was the best thing I ever did. He knew there was a solution through the steps, but it still took time. Think about it, I was basically walking into the woods for about 8 -10 years, it is going to take time to walk back out. A guide helped me.

Slowbriety

I just came out of a 2 months funk, could have gotton out of it earlier, but I was unwilling to look at myself. The pain got great enough that I did and now Im kicking ass again.

Emimily

not so much unwilling to look at myself, just broke as a joke. but, it'll pass. it'll pass, it'll pass, it'll pass...

i just need to breathe through it. or start a call girl business, whatevs.

Pinkcuda

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they always materialize, if we work for them".

SaTiT

I'm sorry about your dad and gram.

AA dose say my fears of finacial insecurity will fade away.
it dosen't say I'm never going to be finacially strap.
The oldtimers threw that at me too, especailly when I was broke,
broke and really, really trying to do right.

It's werid, becuase when I was using, i wasn't really tiring
and had moola shoting out of my arss. i was actaully sabtaging
my life to a certain extent. So...wtf is really going on ???.lol

In recovery.
I had to make decisions between gas money for school or
milk for the girls. well... when the children are hungry..milk taste
better than gas.lol I was stupid poor, poor on the outside but
i felt the richest man in the world. i loved my gf, I love our duaghters..
yeah..love kept us alive. We were close, we found ways to live
without spending money. We stopped fighting.lol cause damn life
was hard enough..

then to top it off..i got in an accident and
had to spend a month in the hospital to rub, rub, rub it in even more.
I never got hurted when i was out there.
yeap,,they dip my arss and rub, rub me to keep the burns clean.
I was rap like a damn mummy...it freaken hurt like hell too , if i moved
an inch. I became still, very, very still.lol They had feed to my arss
through staws and iv.

Seriuously they were thinking of peeling my skin and putting it
in other places of my body. it was beyound them, it was beyound
me. mmm...they told me not to look in the mirror and peek for
reasons.lol holy shiet !!! i don't follow directions..
So wtf ????...there was nothing i could do. Point blank.
I said my prayers...i cried i truned my will and life over.
Whatever will be , it wasn't up to me anymore...wtf else was i going do ?lol

I walk out of the hospital a couple days later after that moment, thou.
You can't even tell my face had been burned. There's a narely scare
the runs across my chess right over my heart.
There's lillte burn marks on my ear lobs...lol
just to remind me ..i guess..I'm hard of hearing.lol

mmm to this day i still question if there's a god.lol

I got a cool job and a house out in the country six months later.

the rest is a long story..but it's trip.lol

linoleum

First, Big hug


♠ If you think about it on one side Satan is saying "Comon you are so stressed out you need a drink!" But on God's reality he is slapping Satan in the face saying "She has no money for that because she is alive and so she lives." If it were me (I don't work, Im always broke) I would pray not for you just to say thank you God for letting me have these feelings. Keep you head up ♠ -L

linoleum

XD lol

nandm

Emimily, I can so relate. Financially everything went to hell once I got sober. Prior to getting sober I was making over $30 and hour, worked when I wanted to had a nice house, car, good clothes, all the outside trappings of the "good life". I got sober and within 6 months had a wreck that left me unable to work for over a year. It was very humbling to go from over $30 an hour to welfare that did not even cover my rent even though I had already moved out of the house in sobriety into a more affordable apartment. Food stamps were hard for me to get past my pride and use but my kids needed to eat so I did. I wound up declaring bankruptcy at a year and a half sober due to the medical bills that piled up from my wreck and no income. Finally found a job I could work. Turned in my boss for sexual harrassment and was discharged two weeks later. Then got another job which lasted 3 years until corporate came in and cleaned out all of upper management me included. I have been without a job since, part of which is due to a back injury from being rear ended while stopped at a crosswalk nearly 2 years ago. I am amazed at how many jobs have lifting as part of their job requirements. I did find a job that did not require it but it is sparodic and so I can not make a living on it. I am currently back in school working on a degree in which I will not have to lift. Student loans are piling up. My bank account is nearly in the negative, I have $17 in it right now. I have used up all of my retirement money and savings. I used up my unemployment. Unfortunately the bills keep coming in. Even with all this I know without a doubt that my HP will take care of it, all I have to do is what is in front of me. Get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. I just have to accept that it is "just money" nothing more.

You are not alone. You can make it through these tough times and you will have a stronger faith in your HP once you get to the other side. Just remember that when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it is not necessarily a train, it might just be the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Keep going to meetings, keep working the program, keep posting and talking with people, and most important of all keep your faith in your HP (especially since at this point your HP is probably the only who can get you out of the situation).

CarolD

I dislike being pocketbook poor
I love being spiritually rich.

Never had the oppurtunity to be both!

Emily

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Em,

I feel for you. I too am having a hard time financially. Just tonight my partner and I were discussing this...and she said something along the lines of, "we're sober and together and that's all that matters". Ok.

Usually that works, but not today.

Sometimes ya gotta wallow for a little tiny bit, then if you are anything like me, you wake up tomorrow and get back on the horse.

Don't lose your faith Em, cause you are a shining star of recovery here!

And, if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. Practically every one I know is struggling.

Big hugs,

Karen

ru4outoo

I too am in the same boat, I am struggling have a job that I hate that pays 6.50 a hour, car needs work big time but everything goes towards bills but they keep adding up. I do the best I can with what I have but to me I would rather be poor and sober then rich and drunk.

Slowbriety

I endorse this.

barb dwyer

SLOW! :mock

"Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

It's tough to let go and let HP ... clear the way for our TRUE .. recovery.
A TruE ... healing.

People often (I see it all the time) mistake that to mean they'll have everything they've ever wanted ... given to them.
And I've seen others who let go ... and more happens for them than they ever imagined.

I've SEEN this.
Not read or heard about it.

leeside

You can't feed yourself or pay the phone bill with $1864/mo from the 40 hr/wk job?

Maybe you need to put a block on your phone?

Maybe you need to prepare your own food instead of eating at the fanciest restaurant in town?

Maybe you need to take back the new Eldorado/Hummer/Beemer or what have you back and get a basic economy car?

Maybe you need to move out of the Condo and get an economy apt.?

Sorry if I sound brutal but you should be able to live comfortably on $22000/yr.

And that ain't counting the second job that adds $464/mo. $5500/yr.

paulmh

Hey Em

I have the same sorts of problems. I'm really not very good with the whole "work" thing. So rather than being relentlessly upbeat I'll just say two things - one, in some situations the only thing we have true control over is our own attitude. You're faced by so many challenges just now - but ultimately you can decide whether you approach them with a light heart or a heavy heart. Either way, dealing with them is recovery. Drinking to avoid them isn't. So well done for continuing to deal with them, and for using this board to get some of the negative **** out.

Second thing is that keeping things "in the day" is really, really useful in those early days when we are adjusting to a new way of being, because I know I was the sort of person who used to just get overwhelmed with the enormity of all the things that seemed to face me. And I would recommend to anyone with less than a year to just keep doing that odaat thing. But I think we can start to bring more into each day. If you need to earn more, start looking for another job - but keep that task in the day. If you need more qualifications to do what you want to do, then begin to research how you would get that training - but keep that task in the day too. And day by day it'll improve - I'm sure it will.

Just for today, don't be overwhelmed.

Peace!

Tazman53

Lee you know where you live $22K may be a liveable wage but there are other areas in our country where its not.

In my area which is outside of the "expensive area" up near DC you can barely touch an apartment in the worst part of town for less then $900 a month and that does not include ANY utilities. Public transportation is virtually non-existant so let us add car insurance into the equation, gas, and unless one is driving a hoopty a car payment. Oh did I forget health insurance? Add those up and then see how much one has left over for the trivial things in life like food and clothes..... not much left.

North of me near DC you can not find a one bedroom apartment for less then $1,500 a month!

Walk in some one elses shoes before you put on "Lee's Shoes of Judgement" because you might wind up with the shoes of judgement in your own mouth.

Emimily as I know you are aware this to shall pass, beleive it or not if you went down to your bank and talked over your financial situation with the manager they may be able to cut you some slack for the overdraft fees one time just to let you get back on your feet.

Turn it over, pray, and seek out the experience of others who have dug their way out of the hole you are in right now.

Emimily

thanks you guys n girls.

slow, i appreciate your patronage... i'm pretty sure that starting an illegal business is frowned on in sobriety, but i'll ask my sponsor.

lee, i pay student loans (mm, financial amends) which run about 300/month.
rent-449/month (1 bdrm. economy-no bdrm door)
electric-50-70/month
groceries-100/month
gas-about 80/month
car insurance-174 this month, then 90/month
now, this is feasible, except that i also owe 300 in overdraft fees. if i got my one fat paycheck and all my big fat bills taken care of in the beginning of every month, maybe it'd be different. i'm not that irresponisble, really, just... in a hole. trying to dig my way out.

linoleum, 1st off i <3 NOFX. 2nd off, thanks for the love. and for laughing at my lame joke.

nandm, merlotmamma... if we're all broke together, maybe we can start a poor kids' club. y'know, swap recipes for ramen noodles and take field trips to the public library. good stuff!

barb, i'm lettin go. let go or get dragged, right?

paul, you are a bright light, thank you for reading this and posting back.

satit, your story makes me grateful to be healthy and have love in my life.

and yeah, everyone who reads this will relate somehow. i've heard stories of folks who got sober and lost weight, saved money, etc. i am not that sober kid. but-i AM sober, and i can be grateful for that. and it's good to feel feelings, it means i'm not deluding my brain anymore. i'm just tired, probably hormonal, and sick of dealing with life on life's terms. i'm thinking about selling my car, but i probably wouldn't get more than about 1100 for it.

oh man. i love you guys. i'm baby-sitting tonight, wish me luck.