jrock

I'd probably go to a hotel room or somewhere and get a case of liquor and drink til I was done. The key is surrender, if I couldn't do that I wasn't able to ask for help.

barb dwyer

whereya at Joe?

zJoe99

Hey, Barb. I'm right here reading this stuff.

Man, half the garbage I've posted on this board since I joined was stuff I wrote while under the influence. It's embarrassing. I hate waking up with a hangover and a vague recollection of having posted something. Sneak back in here and cringe as I peek to see what dumb crap I posted the night before.

Naturally, there's going to be some bad ass AA ball breaker like RJS settin' me straight. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself", lol. Yeah, ok. Guess I deserved that.

Oh, well. I didn't come here to impress folks with my machismo or intellect. I joined this board because my lifes a mess and I need help.

I just get so damn discouraged and frustrated sometimes. All my life all my social interactions with other people has revolved around booze. Now, I'm trying to find a way to fit myself into this AA thing sober. Its hard enough to socialize with folks without drinking. But, God... now I have to introduce myself as "I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic"? Jeez. I know this is first step stuff and I know I'm an alcoholic but admitting it out loud in front of other people sticks in my craw. Pride and ego thing maybe - like some other bruiser in this thread suggested.

I'm basically a shy and introverted type of guy. Especially without my booze. I'm also not used to talking about my problems with other people. I don't like it. I've got to work through it though. Taz had a good idea about showing up to a meeting early and helping the setup guy. Introduce myself and let him know I'm new.
Thats a good plan. I've got to learn to swallow my panic feeling and think through these things logically.

I appreciate the words of encouragement you guys have posted. I need the love, LOL. I'm depressed. Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself is like telling me to stop being bald. I hurt dammit! This crap is painful.

I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic though. Some of you have given me some good ideas. Focus on small acheivable goals. Show early and help the setup guy, shake hands and introduce myself to at least three people each meeting, stay after and help clean,etc. I got to break this thing down into smaller, more manageable pieces. My boozy brain has an inclination to blow things up into insurmountable obstacles. Demon alcohol setting me up to fail? My alcoholism has a mind of its own.

Hey, who knows!? After I get myself integrated into the AA family, maybe I can start working on some of those other issues. You know - the self pity and pride stuff.

barb dwyer

That's exactly how it works.

Well, saying 'hi I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic' ...
is better than having to say, 'Hi I'm Joe ...
and then have to throw yourself out the window, isn't it?

LOL

Sweetie - when we hit bottom - the 'pride card' ... isn't that hard to drop.

You can do it!

Tazman53

Actually Joe there are no rules in AA, you do not have to say you are an alcoholic EVER!!!!! Read the 12 steps, there is not one thing in there that says "We admitted we were alcoholics." Powerless over alcohol...... you bet!!!!!

Actually you do not have to ever say a word to a soul in AA, you do not have to do a thing, there are no rules, simply suggestions.

The first sentence in "How It Works" is:

I can attest that I have followed that path thoroughly and the path has led me to sobriety and happiness.

Just before the 12 steps in "How It Works" is:

Notice they are suggested steps, I have been in AA for a little over a year now and I personally have not seen a single person fail who followed ALL of the suggestions in the program, I have seen a ton of folks fail who simply were not ready to quit drinking, they thought they were, but they could not for what ever reason follow the suggestions.

Joe the truth will set you free, there was a day when I hung my head in shame thinking "I might be an alcoholic!", I continued to drink due to my disease which gave my shame the power to keep me from admitting the truth.

Today I know I am powerless over alcohol once I have that first drink, I know I am an alcoholic and I have no shame in saying that both in and out of the rooms, the truth had set me free from the bonds of alcohol and from the bonds of "Self".

Why do I say the bonds of "Self"? Well, self will is what kept me drinking all those years, once I realized that "Self" was not the answer, that I needed help from a Power greater then myself to help me get and stay sober I was free of "Self", which freed me from trying to run the show and allowed me to let some one else do the driving.

Joe you are in my prayers, you are getting there my friend, I was like you, it was ALL or NOTHING!!!! I wanted everything now, with time I found that the only way I could get what I so desperately needed was to take things one step at a time, one day at a time.

Baby steps work very well, the smallest step forward is in the right direction and enough of them will lead one to thier goal, standing still gets one no where.

Baby steps....

Go to meetings....
Go to meetings early, help set up....
Go to meetings early, help set up, let some one know you are new.....
Go to meetings early, help set up, ask for a phone number......
Go to meetings early, help set up, ask for another phone number......
Go to meetings early, help set up, ask some one what a sponsor is.....
Go to meetings early, help set up, ask some one how to get a sponsor.....
Go to meetings early, help set up, ask some one to be your sponsor.....

Joe all you will ever have to deal with is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here, accept that you have no control over either and simply deal with the here and now, take it a step at a time, be honest with your self and others, you will get where you want to go one baby step at a time, one day at a time.

barb dwyer

or have to say 'Hi my name is Joe'
...and everybody hit ya in the face with a pie or something ...

ok sorry - laying off the coffee ....

lostmdboy

Joe, I think sometimes drinking was just a symptom of my alcoholism. After I quit then I had to start working on the feelings I was numbing with the booze. Get those mettings, and ask for help. I am sure you will be taken in.

barb dwyer

Joe -

all kidding aside -

AA is the only place that... in this whole trainwreck of a laughable life - where I was welcomed unconditionally, where I've been looked after - and where I can say 'I am loved" and not feel doubt, or guilt , or obligation for saying it.

It's the most amazing thing ... I've ever experienced.

OF COURSE I want that for you, hon. I want that feeling ... for everyone here.

Zanthos

Hey Joe, I went to AA meetings for years and didn't get a phone number or truly open up to anyone. Of course, I was a dry drunk and didn't stay sober.

I hid myself from others in AA (and in life in general) because I couldn't imagine sharing all the pain I was in. Had to keep it tucked away and keep the facade of "I'm OK" going when interacting with others.

I finally surrendered when it got intolerably intolerable. Took a long, long time. And then I cried for weeks and months in AA meetings as I began to acknowledge all that pain to myself and others. (Personally, I believe more beginners should allow themselves to cry more often in meetings. Worked for me!)

Sounds to me like you're really close to reaching out, Joe. I mean, you're doing it here and you're aware of what you're not doing when you go to AA meetings. But you really need to make some connection with others in real life to kickstart the recovery process. Sitting at home alone on your computer won't do it.

Why don't you print out your first post and read it at an AA meeting? That would go a long way.

Zanthos

Are you a lifelong drunk? A social misfit? Borderline or trans-border mentally ill? Anxious, neurotic, sociopathic, homicidal, suicidal? If so, you'll fit right in. If not, you'll fit in anyway.

My first sponsor (who was all of the above in sobriety) told me that the reason I felt like an outsider at AA meetings was because I was an outsider. You're looking at all these people who have GROWN comfortable at AA over time and comparing that to how you feel now before you've even begun the process of letting go and becoming a part of. It could take a while before you start to feel like you belong. And even after you start to feel like you belong, you will feel like you belong more as time goes on. As we say about so many things, "it's a process."

It's done from the heart, not from the head. It's not something you "figure out". It's something you allow yourself to want and feel.

When I started to let go and put my trust in the people in AA, I was very uncertain about the whole thing. It was extremely scary. Like dropping backwards over a mountainside cliff with the people you're counting on to catch you looking like ants standing hundreds of feet below on the beach. And I would meet individuals in AA that I didn't like and question the whole thing. Thank god for desperation. It kept me moving in the direction of reliance because I couldn't go back to living an isolated, self-reliant life. But for months, I'd be saying to myself and sharing at meetings: "This **** better work!" Cause I didn't know if it would.

It did.

chip

Hi Joe,
I just wanted to pop in here and say hello. I hope you are feeling better.
chip

barb dwyer

JOE!!! :support ZUP!!!!

zJoe99

Laughin' at the world, baby girl. WaZup, with you? Hey, thanks for askin'. Freakin' thanksgivin' and Christmas commin' up. ****. Its messed up for me. I'll be ok though. I'm a crocodile, heh. Nothing gets through to me. I'm thick in more ways than one.

Kiss to you babes. Have a happy time this holiday. Good love to your family. Come back and tell me how sweet it was. And don't forget to bring me a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy, lol.

zoomer

Good morning Joe, they have meetings on the holidays too so people will not feel so alone or incase they are jonesing for something to drink. Just thought I'd share. have a good day!

shugabooga

that's one thing they tell you in AA, which to me, just means smiling even when you don't feel like it...no matter how ugly you might feel inside, you can improve your looks on the outside and draw people to you with a smile...i literally have to practice smiling. i'm in a job (bartender) where people watch every move I make............especially my bosses...it's a corporate environment..........so i have to practice the "art" of "faking it"..........and once you start, it gets easier....practice injecting warmth and sincerity in your voice and see how much better people respond..........and the advice everyone else has given about arriving early, offering to help, all that sounds excellent.........also, try to develop your sense of humor, laugh more, open up....the more i open up to my co-workers and let them "know" me, the warmer they are to me.........when i walk into the kitchen first thing in the morning, and all those guys have been there in that windowless, hot, messy kitchen for three hours already, they need my smile and happy hello more than i need theirs....but when i give it, and receive it in kind, it's just all-around positive for everyone. spread cheer, and you will receive it back ten-fold. good luck and hang in there!

The Man

You speak with such honesty, and at least you sort of know what you've got to do. All I know is that when I was pretty much at your stage, the drink was loosing its appeal - I could not live like that for much longer.

I wish you all the best in this terrible affliction.

barb dwyer

hi JOE!

well...
if you haven't read the stuff in newcomers ...
('please read .. I need your help' thread)

uhhhh....

let's leave it at .... I've had better weekends.

mashed potatoes, huh? sokay, then!