Still digging?
A.M.D.G.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 49
Still digging?
Dear friends
I would think that if a person foudn themselves in hell, the last thing they would do is take out a shovel and start to dig. But like I put inthe subject title, that is what I am doing and I don't know why.
I think I am writing this just to tellsomeone because just thinking about it is making me miserable. I asked for some days off aftre the shaking episide a week ago. My thought was that if I had no obligations, I'd cut down on my consumption, feel terrible for a few days, and then the rest would be much easier. Instead I used my 3 days off as a sort of vodka vacation. I kept thinking, "i'll finish this and then I will be gin to cut down".
I am so stupid.
Ths weekend I have surely reached some new lievel of insanity. Yesterday, I awoke because one of the other priests who shares this rectory was banging on my door. I was supposed ot be the celebrant for the morning and he was worried I wasn't up already. He also sounded rather angry but when we spoke he was he was worried, not angry. I apologised for my behavior and closed my door to be alone again.
My memory is this: I was drinking on Saturday morning. At this point I knew it was the end of my little time off so I think I just gave up. Who cares if it's 9am on Saturday morning? Later I ran out of alcohol and wanted to buy more. It was some time at night, but I don't know when exactly. I should have gone to bed. There is a CVS about a mile away with a liquor department so I walked there but they refused to sell to me. I can only imagine what I looked and osunded like. I remember getting so angry they threatened to call the police if I didn't leave. I did and on the way back stopped at a gas station that sold little pint bottles of the kind horrible vodka I always associated with guys in dirty clothes drinking out of paper bags. I bought two and I don't even know why. I was drinking them as I walked back.
I am horrified when I think about this. I can't imagine myself yelling in a store, but I know it happened. I can see it and hear it with perfect clrity, like a film clip; I know I did it. And walkng down the street drinking like taht. There are oepn container laws her that are quite strict.
The very worst part is not remembering these things and knowing I did them and I am obviously out of control but the fact that when I was awoken, I was still dressed. I did all this while dressed in my clerics!
I wanted to crawl into my closet and never come out. I have never been so ashamed of myself an to make things worse, my homily was incomplete and while delivering it I wasn't exactly sober. This is absolutely horrible. If I ever thought I was making a secret of this, I'm afraid mysecret is out.
Actally, there IS one thing worst ahn all this. It is that even as I write this, I know the advice I wil receive. I know I'm not alone as a priest wit this problem. I know I can see help. I know all these things and it is like my feet have grown roots because tonight I am doing it again.
May God have mercy on me.
Dietrich
I would think that if a person foudn themselves in hell, the last thing they would do is take out a shovel and start to dig. But like I put inthe subject title, that is what I am doing and I don't know why.
I think I am writing this just to tellsomeone because just thinking about it is making me miserable. I asked for some days off aftre the shaking episide a week ago. My thought was that if I had no obligations, I'd cut down on my consumption, feel terrible for a few days, and then the rest would be much easier. Instead I used my 3 days off as a sort of vodka vacation. I kept thinking, "i'll finish this and then I will be gin to cut down".
I am so stupid.
Ths weekend I have surely reached some new lievel of insanity. Yesterday, I awoke because one of the other priests who shares this rectory was banging on my door. I was supposed ot be the celebrant for the morning and he was worried I wasn't up already. He also sounded rather angry but when we spoke he was he was worried, not angry. I apologised for my behavior and closed my door to be alone again.
My memory is this: I was drinking on Saturday morning. At this point I knew it was the end of my little time off so I think I just gave up. Who cares if it's 9am on Saturday morning? Later I ran out of alcohol and wanted to buy more. It was some time at night, but I don't know when exactly. I should have gone to bed. There is a CVS about a mile away with a liquor department so I walked there but they refused to sell to me. I can only imagine what I looked and osunded like. I remember getting so angry they threatened to call the police if I didn't leave. I did and on the way back stopped at a gas station that sold little pint bottles of the kind horrible vodka I always associated with guys in dirty clothes drinking out of paper bags. I bought two and I don't even know why. I was drinking them as I walked back.
I am horrified when I think about this. I can't imagine myself yelling in a store, but I know it happened. I can see it and hear it with perfect clrity, like a film clip; I know I did it. And walkng down the street drinking like taht. There are oepn container laws her that are quite strict.
The very worst part is not remembering these things and knowing I did them and I am obviously out of control but the fact that when I was awoken, I was still dressed. I did all this while dressed in my clerics!
I wanted to crawl into my closet and never come out. I have never been so ashamed of myself an to make things worse, my homily was incomplete and while delivering it I wasn't exactly sober. This is absolutely horrible. If I ever thought I was making a secret of this, I'm afraid mysecret is out.
Actally, there IS one thing worst ahn all this. It is that even as I write this, I know the advice I wil receive. I know I'm not alone as a priest wit this problem. I know I can see help. I know all these things and it is like my feet have grown roots because tonight I am doing it again.
May God have mercy on me.
Dietrich
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Thank you for the update. It is a horrible feeling to be where you are at right now. Many alcoholics can truely relate to what you are feeling right now. For me the best description of how I felt when I was at the place you are is on page 151 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The good news is there is a way for your life to change. There is hope. Remember that when you come to the edge of all you know, you must believe in one of two things: There will be earth upon which to stand or you will be given wings. Glad you keep coming back here and I sincerely hope you are able to find peace with all that is going on in your life.
Judith
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom, and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a hearbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt---and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did---then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen---Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did---then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen---Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
Judith
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
Augustine,
Do you think because you are a priest you have power above and beyond the average non-priestly person to defeat this demon? Hardly, you are a man and if anything it will be harder for you simply because you will hold yourself to a higher-standard! Your gift will be your compassion for the man or woman who finds themself in your exact situation...because you will have been there. Seek the help you need and you will find it!!! My prayers and hugs are with you!! Julie
Do you think because you are a priest you have power above and beyond the average non-priestly person to defeat this demon? Hardly, you are a man and if anything it will be harder for you simply because you will hold yourself to a higher-standard! Your gift will be your compassion for the man or woman who finds themself in your exact situation...because you will have been there. Seek the help you need and you will find it!!! My prayers and hugs are with you!! Julie
Serenity today
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Commonwealth
Posts: 135
Augustine, please follow this link and call for help: Guest House
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Dietrich, I have a story to tell you.
I have a friend who went to college and became interested in psychology. He continued on in his education until he had a PhD in psychology. He then went on to become director of a drug and alcohol rehab, and on the way to that position, he worked as a counselor teaching others how to get and stay sober. In his heart, he knew he had another calling, so he became an ordained minister.
All this time, he drank alcoholically. He managed to function at a very high level for years, obviously, to accomplish all this. But as he was ministering to his first congregation, he realized that his alcoholism was out of control. Over the years, he'd tried many times to stop. Psychology and self-knowledge didn't get him sober. The treatment industry and all he knew about it didn't get him sober. Even his religion did not get him sober. He found that none of these things could, and he felt very hopeless.
I met this friend in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous when I was engaged to be married to another member. We asked if he would perform the ceremony. We sat down with him and planned the ceremony, and he shared his story with us then. I asked him -- what was it about AA that psychology, treatment and religion was lacking? The answer was very simple: in AA, he found a fellowship of people who understood him, who knew exactly how he'd felt, and better yet, they'd been where he was and they knew how to help him find his way out.
The number is in the phone book. If you can't find it, you have internet access. aa.org has links to all regional and local hotlines. At my first meeting, I found a doctor, a middle school principal, and a locally renown artist. Over the years, I've met many people from many walks of life. What you do is not the issue. This issue is -- do you have a drinking problem, and do you want to do something about it?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I have a friend who went to college and became interested in psychology. He continued on in his education until he had a PhD in psychology. He then went on to become director of a drug and alcohol rehab, and on the way to that position, he worked as a counselor teaching others how to get and stay sober. In his heart, he knew he had another calling, so he became an ordained minister.
All this time, he drank alcoholically. He managed to function at a very high level for years, obviously, to accomplish all this. But as he was ministering to his first congregation, he realized that his alcoholism was out of control. Over the years, he'd tried many times to stop. Psychology and self-knowledge didn't get him sober. The treatment industry and all he knew about it didn't get him sober. Even his religion did not get him sober. He found that none of these things could, and he felt very hopeless.
I met this friend in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous when I was engaged to be married to another member. We asked if he would perform the ceremony. We sat down with him and planned the ceremony, and he shared his story with us then. I asked him -- what was it about AA that psychology, treatment and religion was lacking? The answer was very simple: in AA, he found a fellowship of people who understood him, who knew exactly how he'd felt, and better yet, they'd been where he was and they knew how to help him find his way out.
The number is in the phone book. If you can't find it, you have internet access. aa.org has links to all regional and local hotlines. At my first meeting, I found a doctor, a middle school principal, and a locally renown artist. Over the years, I've met many people from many walks of life. What you do is not the issue. This issue is -- do you have a drinking problem, and do you want to do something about it?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
You tell it like it is Sugah! That shows me just how valuable the AA Program is. At one of my meetings we had a visitor from out of state. He was a medical doctor who had been sober but started drinking again. He was on his way to visit his son in Canada....and had started going to AA again....he said he had found nothing else that would help him like AA.
kelsh
kelsh
You can beat this...we are here to help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: green hills of Vermont, USA
Posts: 251
Fr. Dietrich: Am praying for you. Your saga of the days of drinking is so much like the horror we all went through; none of it shocks me. Please join us in AA. Frankly, your other options aren't very good.... well, they just aren't. My AA friend who is an RC priest went someplace in the midwest for priests who need help for a while. This wasn't just for sobriety, though. You know, if it would help for you to talk to him, I think I could find him as he's still somewhere in the Diocese.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Father in my final days of drinking I walked in the same hell you are in right now.
I awoke every morning and in the mirror I saw a man!!!!!
I saw a man that I hated, he had it all, everything he wanted in life, yet he did not possess the will power to stop drinking, his face was bloated, his eyes were so red that they looked like if he cried it would be blood. The man I saw was a physical emotional wreck, his stomach was swollen (Turned out it was his liver), this man was on the ropes! The man was me!
I did not want to drink, but I had to drink in order to feel normal.
My hell was my garage, I sat in my garage by myself with my booze, my radio, and a crossword puzzle book! Drinking......... I had already surrendered to alcohol, I had quit fighting it, I had simply given up to alcohol, it was easier that way.
Father you are in the same hole that I dug for myself, I looked all around me in that hole and saw no way out, it felt like hell, but I wasn't in hell yet, so I picked up that bottle and started digging again, deeper and deeper.
Father I was digging my way to my own personal hell and I could not stop digging, you see I had given up to alcohol. All I had left was to keep digging until I fell through that bottom into the bowels of Hades.
I found a solution, I found a way out of that hole, the way I found out of that hole was shared with me by other people who had been in that very same whole and they had other people take them by thier hand and show them the way out of that hole. These people freely took me by the hand and showed me the way they had been shown out of that hole.
These people did not judge me, they had been where I was at, they knew the way out, all I did was reached my hand out and accept the help they freely offered me. They loved me until I learned to love myself again. They had found a solution for thier alcoholism and shared that solution with me.
There are an awful lot of folks here making the same offer to you Father, reach out your hand and take ours, we know right where you are at right now, we have found a solution to our alcoholism and will freely share it with you and love you until you can learn to love your self again.
Will you reach out and take our hand?
Will you let us love you?
I awoke every morning and in the mirror I saw a man!!!!!
I saw a man that I hated, he had it all, everything he wanted in life, yet he did not possess the will power to stop drinking, his face was bloated, his eyes were so red that they looked like if he cried it would be blood. The man I saw was a physical emotional wreck, his stomach was swollen (Turned out it was his liver), this man was on the ropes! The man was me!
I did not want to drink, but I had to drink in order to feel normal.
My hell was my garage, I sat in my garage by myself with my booze, my radio, and a crossword puzzle book! Drinking......... I had already surrendered to alcohol, I had quit fighting it, I had simply given up to alcohol, it was easier that way.
Father you are in the same hole that I dug for myself, I looked all around me in that hole and saw no way out, it felt like hell, but I wasn't in hell yet, so I picked up that bottle and started digging again, deeper and deeper.
Father I was digging my way to my own personal hell and I could not stop digging, you see I had given up to alcohol. All I had left was to keep digging until I fell through that bottom into the bowels of Hades.
I found a solution, I found a way out of that hole, the way I found out of that hole was shared with me by other people who had been in that very same whole and they had other people take them by thier hand and show them the way out of that hole. These people freely took me by the hand and showed me the way they had been shown out of that hole.
These people did not judge me, they had been where I was at, they knew the way out, all I did was reached my hand out and accept the help they freely offered me. They loved me until I learned to love myself again. They had found a solution for thier alcoholism and shared that solution with me.
There are an awful lot of folks here making the same offer to you Father, reach out your hand and take ours, we know right where you are at right now, we have found a solution to our alcoholism and will freely share it with you and love you until you can learn to love your self again.
Will you reach out and take our hand?
Will you let us love you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
Mick,
You are sooo right. We forget that it is just what you said, an "embarrassing" incident. One we are not proud of. Who in this life has not had those moments? Those moments make us want to do better and remind us of how human we are. Thanks!
You are sooo right. We forget that it is just what you said, an "embarrassing" incident. One we are not proud of. Who in this life has not had those moments? Those moments make us want to do better and remind us of how human we are. Thanks!
jrock
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: fayettville,n.c.
Posts: 4
what's it going to take??????????????????????
Originally Posted by Pinkcuda 
So what's it going to take?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I CRIED WHILE GOING TO THE DOPE HOUSE KNOWING IT WAS THE WRONG THING AND BLAMING GOD CAUSE HE DIDN'T CREATE OBSTACLES IN MY PATH TO STOP ME.THIS IS ,MY THOUGHT.EVER HEARD CROSSING THE IMAGINARY LINE AFTER TRULY BECOMING ADDICTED?I THINK WE MUST CROSS BACK OVER THE LINE ON OUR WAY BACK TO HIM...CONTINUE LIVING IN HIS WILL THRU THE GOOD AND BAD.SELF WILL WILL NEVER FIX SELF WILL.WE LIVE IN A SPIRITUAL WARFARE DAILY AND IT TAKES HIM ON A DAILY BASIS TO COMBAT THE ADDICT'S NEEDS.I WOULD GO MORE IN DEPTH BUT I DON'T NO HOW U ARE ABOUT GOD OR CHRIST.SELF KNOWLEDGE DOSEN'T WORK BUT TO A DEGREE....STAY STRONG....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Big Bear City California
Posts: 13
Alcoholic hell
Dietrich,
First of it was very brave of you to share your dilemma, however I must say we in AA have seen people from every walk of life struck down with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism has no boundaries. Now it is not my place to label you alcoholic, but if you are, cutting down is not an option and it will fail 100% of the time. Save yourself from slipping any further into the bowels of alcoholic hell and get into AA A.S.A.P.
PS. AA got me on track and GOD removed desire to drink…I am very lucky
Michael, a recovering alcoholic since Nov. 12, 1989
First of it was very brave of you to share your dilemma, however I must say we in AA have seen people from every walk of life struck down with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism has no boundaries. Now it is not my place to label you alcoholic, but if you are, cutting down is not an option and it will fail 100% of the time. Save yourself from slipping any further into the bowels of alcoholic hell and get into AA A.S.A.P.
PS. AA got me on track and GOD removed desire to drink…I am very lucky
Michael, a recovering alcoholic since Nov. 12, 1989
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Thanks for the input Junior and Thanks for the PM Michael.
Truth is that there is no answer to the question. We never know until it happens. That is the point where we start to use hindsight. In asking the question the intent is to spark the slightest inkling of foresight. It's just to point out the fact that there is something out there looming on the horizon that can and will cause us to quit.
Truth is that there is no answer to the question. We never know until it happens. That is the point where we start to use hindsight. In asking the question the intent is to spark the slightest inkling of foresight. It's just to point out the fact that there is something out there looming on the horizon that can and will cause us to quit.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi augustine ...
... wow.
That's probably one of the most ... moving threads I've read yet.
...wow.
Talk about vivid memories.
Walking around drunk. Remembering the 'photographs' 'snapshots' of whatever horriffic acts we did ... waking up still dressed, sick and having to go act like life matters ... what did I say? What did I do?
Where's my car? Who saw me?
...wow.
It all comes roaring back.
I have to thank you for that much.
You said one thing ... that caught my skewed attention:
I don't think you're stupid.
I think you're an alcoholic.
I think ... you've just told the world ... you can't stop on your own.
in that respect - you're no different than any of the rest of us.
But if you let pride ... stop you from seeking help ...
and yes it is, too, pride -
being drunk during 'whatevers'-
(no insult intended - wasn't raised religious - only spiritual)
while 'ministering' others ...
in any way, shape or form as a Spiritual 'leader' ...
dood!
who exactly is it that you think you're protecting by not seeking help?
It certainly isn't the church.
The Church - any church -
doesn't need that kind of 'protecting' any more.
That kind of 'protecting -
has turned more AWAY from churches than brought people in....
Covering things up ... have always caused MORE problems ...
than the problem being covered up.
Brother - Father ... one alcoholic to another -
it CAN ... get worse.
It WILL ... get worse.
When alcoholics continue to drink ... alcoholics die.
Who are you going to help by that?
Be a leader.
Make the call.
that's what THIS particular alcoholic ...
sees God trying to do through you to help the People.
Do you have what it takes ... to TRULY ... do God's work?
That's what I'm seeing.
*prayers*
... wow.
That's probably one of the most ... moving threads I've read yet.
...wow.
Talk about vivid memories.
Walking around drunk. Remembering the 'photographs' 'snapshots' of whatever horriffic acts we did ... waking up still dressed, sick and having to go act like life matters ... what did I say? What did I do?
Where's my car? Who saw me?
...wow.
It all comes roaring back.
I have to thank you for that much.
You said one thing ... that caught my skewed attention:
I am so stupid.
I think you're an alcoholic.
I think ... you've just told the world ... you can't stop on your own.
in that respect - you're no different than any of the rest of us.
But if you let pride ... stop you from seeking help ...
and yes it is, too, pride -
being drunk during 'whatevers'-
(no insult intended - wasn't raised religious - only spiritual)
while 'ministering' others ...
in any way, shape or form as a Spiritual 'leader' ...
dood!
who exactly is it that you think you're protecting by not seeking help?
It certainly isn't the church.
The Church - any church -
doesn't need that kind of 'protecting' any more.
That kind of 'protecting -
has turned more AWAY from churches than brought people in....
Covering things up ... have always caused MORE problems ...
than the problem being covered up.
Brother - Father ... one alcoholic to another -
it CAN ... get worse.
It WILL ... get worse.
When alcoholics continue to drink ... alcoholics die.
Who are you going to help by that?
Be a leader.
Make the call.
that's what THIS particular alcoholic ...
sees God trying to do through you to help the People.
Do you have what it takes ... to TRULY ... do God's work?
That's what I'm seeing.
*prayers*
A.M.D.G.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 49
Hello friends -
As always I appreciate your thoughts and to those who wrote to me personally. I feel like this site truely embodies what Christ had in mind when he told us to "love thy neighbor". The sermon on the mount always comes to mind when I am here.
I was reading posts here from the husbands and wives of alcoholics - reading about what they endure as they watch their loved ones slowly self destruct. It made me think about myself and my relationship with my "spouse". In many ways the priesthood is a kind of marriage. Catholics may even be familiar with the term "Bride of Christ" in reference to the Church.
I asked myself, what am I doing to MY marriage? Is this how I want to treat her? How can I possibly love her with all my heart if this terrible interloper stands in the way?
I can not continue to allow this to stand in the way between myself and God.
I called the number on the link that Stobert posted. They wre very nice and arrangd for a priest in my area to come visit me. He came over that very night and we talked for hours. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life, but it actually felt good. Afterwards I slept better than I have in years.
There are no open spots at their facility for men in Minnesota so I have to wait. In the meantime Fr. said he would come visit as often as I like and that he will help me talk to my Bishop to explain thatthis is necessary.
I am still frightened, but I want this to end.
Pax Christi,
Dietrich
As always I appreciate your thoughts and to those who wrote to me personally. I feel like this site truely embodies what Christ had in mind when he told us to "love thy neighbor". The sermon on the mount always comes to mind when I am here.
I was reading posts here from the husbands and wives of alcoholics - reading about what they endure as they watch their loved ones slowly self destruct. It made me think about myself and my relationship with my "spouse". In many ways the priesthood is a kind of marriage. Catholics may even be familiar with the term "Bride of Christ" in reference to the Church.
I asked myself, what am I doing to MY marriage? Is this how I want to treat her? How can I possibly love her with all my heart if this terrible interloper stands in the way?
I can not continue to allow this to stand in the way between myself and God.
I called the number on the link that Stobert posted. They wre very nice and arrangd for a priest in my area to come visit me. He came over that very night and we talked for hours. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life, but it actually felt good. Afterwards I slept better than I have in years.
There are no open spots at their facility for men in Minnesota so I have to wait. In the meantime Fr. said he would come visit as often as I like and that he will help me talk to my Bishop to explain thatthis is necessary.
I am still frightened, but I want this to end.
Pax Christi,
Dietrich
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