juliee

Awesome Father! You have much to offer obviously, although, I am quite sure this you would have preferred to by-pass. Now it is what you make of it. My thoughts and prayers go with you.

Sugah

Have you ever experienced a real miracle, Father? As we say around here, "buckle up!"

Something many of us have found useful when that urge to drink hits is to sit down and write a gratitude list. I think you've just found a few things to put on your list. My sponsor was fond of telling me that "a grateful heart cannot, will not drink."

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nandm

I am so happy for you father, the doors of hope are open because you kept putting one foot in front of the other working on a solution. God has done for you what you could not do for yourself, gave you insight, courage, and hope. Keep on trudging this happy road of destiny with us we are glad to have you along.
Judith

CarolD

I truly believe alcohol stood between my God and I
In my recovery...we have become best friends.
This can happen for you too!

Blessings

Fenian_Man

Father,

Post if you are coming to Minnesota - I can hook you up with an INCREDIBLE priest who is a recovering alcoholic (Not posting the name or parish here, as per the traditions of AA - he has mentioned his condition in the bulletin and is known in the Twin Cities as the sponsor of a former bishop)

I start each day with these lines from Thomas Merton:
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
© Abbey of Gethsemani

Blessings to you...

barb dwyer

Augustine - An answered prayer to read that first thing. :support

Tazman53

Father my heart sang as I read your post, prayers of many have been answered, you were granted the strength to reach out for help and it is in the works. Father just take it one day at a time, remain willing to learn and ask for help, please stay in touch, your recovery from this disease helps others if you share it, you give those with no hope, hope.

augustine

Hello -

Thanks for your well wishes everybody. I have been in an incredibly good mood lately even though nothing has really changed (in other words I can't seem to go a whole day without a drink. How are you people doing this? How was I doing iy before?). That is troubling and I worry about pinning my hopes onto one place that will "fix everything". However I do have someone to talk to now and things to read that make sense for once. That does make a difference.

The site for the National Catholic Council on Alcoholism has been very helpful to me. There are resources there for both clergy, religious, and lay Catholics. And by some strange coincedence, I look a lot like the man in the photo of their founder, Father Ralph Pfau. I consider using him as my avatar picture so you could put an "almost" face to a name, but then I realized that you probalby have an image of me as a miserable drunk guy in a collar so I thought my cartoon cat exorcist would better demonstrate my real personality. (I am our Church's "young dynamic priest" -tm- I like movies and video games and lead a lot of our youth retreats. This past few months have really crapmed my style so to say. It's really hard to make jokes when you are so hung over you can hardly talk.)

I only have 14 posts so I will make another with the link since it says I need 15.

I have no solid plans for treatment yet. It is complicated for a priest to just move somewhere else in the middle of an assignment. Our assignments are carefully planned, sometimes years in advanced so for me to just suddenly leave will make our parish short one priest.

I did go to an AA meeting with Father "Brandy". (I can't seem to lose this paranoia about people finding out who I am so ... He said he was a brandy drinker. This would make me "Father Vodka".) I had a good experience meeting people. It was a regular meeting he attended so people knew him. I went in my seculars and he just introduced me by name, not as another priest. I was very inspired b how close to God everyone there was. It was touching to hear how many said they got on their knees to pray morning an night. There were some aspects of the "AA spirituality" that made me uncomfortable (such as thingking of God as a "Group of Drunks" as one prson said, but that isprobaby not for this post to discuss.)

It has not been a bad few days.

Pax,
Dietrich

augustine

I have passsed the magic 15.

This is a site I've found helpful: http://www.nccatoday.org/


Thank you again for your generosity.
Dietrich

Pinkcuda

I was raised a Catholic and attended a Church in South Philly in my younger days. I grew up in the Church. I went to school there, I was Baptized there I had my First Communion there and spent a lot of time at the end of a Nuns Yardstick. I was just sitting here wondering what you would say to me if I came to you asking you how I should deal with my alcoholism.

sugErspun

Fenian,

I have read a little bit of Thomas Merton (Way of Chuang Tze and New Seeds of Contemplation), there is an allure to the contemplative life. He writes true regardless of any dogma that it is attached to. Some traditions would call this enlightened..I believe he is an enlightened being (yes, even in his death he lives on).

I will have to buy the book that qoute was pulled from, I think that is a wonderful way to approach the day.

It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

Thank you for posting it.

zoomer

Father,the reason for your happy mood is hope. Hope is a wonderful thing and there is more to come. I can't say I'm a religious sort of person,but I believe in the power of numbers. We as alcholics can be in recovery from alcohol,but I could not. One is such a lonely number. Right now your in the comtemplation stage of recovery,next you will move on to action. Just keep moving one foot in front of the other. perhaps you can go to a three day detox,that way you will not be out of the loop because the people need you. Guess for me that at the end I could not be there for anyone anyway,so I had to get help for myself. Don't wait too long father because it can and does get worse. A long time ago I did the whole nine yards with treatment,but I relaps just the same after many years of being sober. This time though I threw in the towle and just went to AA. I did as was suggested, 90/90 meaning 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponcer,read everything... It was hard,but so well worth it. I now have three years and am humble with my time because I know what it is like to relaps and not have control. Alls we have is one day at a time,you me and others. I do hope you can go today without a drink, thats my plan.

augustine

Hmmm.

I am not sure how to answer your request Pinkcuda because from your post I get the impression that you have left the Catholic Church. It puts me rather on teh spot to give you something that will not be used as "further evidence" to justify your decision. (I could be wrong about this - I am only basing this ont hat you said you were "raised" Catholic rather than saying you are a praticing Catholic. In my experience this is how people tell me they no longer attend mass or adhere to the Sacraments. So please forgive me if I'm wrong here.)

Instead I will tell you in general what I tell people in MY parish who come to me with issues of alcohol and drug abuse.

It is important to nderstnad that I am not a therapist but a theologian and can only advise people in terms of their relationship with God. When people come to me to talk about alcohol or drugs it is more often about problmes of those in their lives; children and spouses and sometimes other family or friends. It is less common that they come with their own problem.

I always start by reminding them that none of this is a sin. They maybe breaking laws if they are underage, driving, or using drugs that are illegal - but the acts of themselves are not sinfgul, more often they are the behavior of someone wiht a disease and God does not condemn the sick; He tries to make them well again. And importantly as well, the acts while under the influence, while they may be labeled such are not going to condemn anyone either. God knows us and He loves us and He watches over all of us - He knows the problems we have in our lives, knows the obstacles we place inbetween Him and us even unintentionally. More than anything, He wants us with Him and will forgive ANYTHING (even a thousand times over).

Usually people wnt reassuance that "everything is going to be alright". I often tell people about my own experiences in college, especially how I was led to see that I had a problem there and what I did to get closer to God and let him change my situation. It seems to help mothers best, who are grieving of their sons with addictions. I can't guarantee ti will go the same for everyone, but I can hold myself out an an example of what God makes possible.

The few who come to me with THEIR own problem I talk aout the fact there are solutions both in and out of the Church: rehabilitation centers, AA, but most importantly God. I try not to give "perscriptions" as in, "pray 3 Hail Mary's and one Our Father every morning and you will be delivered from Demon Alcohol." It would be terrific if things worked that way since those are exceptionally powerful prayers, but in my experience, a little more action is required - Catholicism is theology, not magic.

SO MANY times people with these problems tell me that "God has abandoned them". I believe this is the powr of alcohol as an obstacle. It is so big that it can blot out God entirely (from your point of view), but from God's it is just a human being cowering behind a very small rock that can be easily moved.

I've never told anyone they were an alcoholic or described myself as one.

Writing this I wonder, "hwy sidn't I follow my own advice?" Or even, why am I not following it right now? I know tha over the past year or so I didn't recognise something was wrong for a long time. Then when I did find it a problem, I felt like it was differnt - as though something had "happened to me". I believe this led me to see it as an outside issue. I was fundamentally the same - I still prayed, still a priest, still performing my duties; I didn't see that anything was in the way until it seemed too late.


I really would like to go to that place in Minnesota that I called. It's exclusively for clergy and religious so it sounds like I would not have to give up things that are very important to me like daily mass and community prayer. Thy have a sober living house where some priests go after treatment if they need to. Right now that sounds amazing because I am so tired at being at war with myself. Even right now, I have mass in about three hours and I am sitting here and having a debate in my head between: "finish the drink you have and your done" or "just put more ice in it so it lasts longer" or "You can have one more and that's it" so that mass doesn't turn into a drunken fiasco. (I'm always afrais of this joke coming true: http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/061.html)

So my hopes are that I can work with my Bishop and get an extended leave. I'm tired. I want to do this the right way and have it be in the past. This may sound strange, but I have this terrible feeling as though I have to stop for good or it's over. I don't know why I can't do what you're doing but "You can have one more ant hta's it" already woon out and now the debate is starting again.

I want ot be in a place where I can see that "rock" the same way God does adn get rid of it for good. I'm not there yet.

I hope I was of help to you "Pink".

Pax Christi,
Dietrich

Sugah

Father, that is a pretty funny joke, but I don't think it would make a funny reality.

I have thoughts about two things in your post. The first thing is:

My "Big Book" tells me that in taking the steps, I cease fighting everything and everyone. I'm sure a man in your position will understand why, but I'll say it anyway. When I'm being guided by my higher power's will, I no longer have to expend the tremendous effort of running on my own will.

The second is:

Although I come in contact with many people in recovery, I sponsor no more than three at once who are in the process of taking the steps for the first time, as they often have many questions, thoughts and situations where they require guidance. It requires a great deal of time and emotional energy, and but it's well worth it, as it keeps me sober, too. How? Well, if I'm to give someone else a suggestion, I have to be willing to do it myself! I didn't get better overnight, and the twelve steps didn't render me pure and without fault. They bring to me the same kinds of issues that I've dealt with, and it rarely fails that when I'm starting to get complacent in my own program, they remind me, by asking for guidance, and they get me back on the right path.

Oh, and I have one more thing to offer. I don't believe that any human being, no matter how good their intentions, can get another person sober unless that person truly desires sobriety, but as a testament that it does work, one of my sponsees picked up her three-year chip last night. Another got a four-year chip a couple of weeks ago. I have another with four years, one with two and two more who are in the first year and working on it.

Many more have come and gone. But, guess what? I celebrated five years a few weeks ago, and I know in my heart that I owe my sobriety to the fact that I never tried to keep it all for myself. What is it that the children sing about "this little light of mine?"

Peace & Love,
Sugah

paulmh

There's an old saying in the fellowship - "you can't be too stupid to get sober, but you can be too smart". Lots of people - alcoholics and not - really hate that saying. When I read you posts I'm thinking also - is there a universal affirmative implicit in that statement? Can we, for instance, not be too doubtful to get sober - but we can be too knowing? Can we never be too selfish, but we can be too altruistic? Can we never be too fluid, but we can be too rigid? We who are recovering as a result of our involvement in a programme of recovery like AA know - better yet, understand - that the process we had to undertake was to let go of the notion that we somehow had the solution at our fingertips or on the tip of our tongues, and we simply had to find it, re-present it to ourselves in such a way that we could say "Ah! Now I understand!". It's not like that. We do not have the solution to our alcoholism within our own power. It lies beyond us - and we can all choose what "beyond" means (once we get "beyond", and not before, lol). Some people choose to call it "Group Of Drunks" - and that is not to invite a theological discussion. Theological discussion is redundant in this context - and can be positively harmful if it leads us to continue to drink while we indulge it. Some people call it a doorknob, or universal spirit. IT could be another programme of recovery - heck, whether he like it or not Jack Trimpey is some people's HP (personally I think he's pretty tickled by that). All of us understand that it has one characteristic in common for every recovered or recovering person - it's not me. Now I sometimes think - and I've read it here and encountered it in 3d - that sometimes it's actually harder for a person of faith to get sober in AA than it is for an atheist like me - because they already know what G*d is and what He does. Now, I'm very grateful to have a Higher Power in my life, and I'm particularly grateful that I don't have to name it or limit it in any way shape or form by imagining that I "know" it. All I have to do is try and live in harmony with it and reap the rewards. But I can only be successful - today, odaat - by letting go of the notion that I know - either how to defeat my alcoholism or what the universe should be giving me because somehow I have an advanced understanding of metaphysical calculus.

It's a funny paradox. Doubt is the enemy of sobriety. But so is knowledge. Letting go of both is a good first step.

And hey, sorry to be preachy - but I couldn't pass up the chance... :preach

Pinkcuda

I loved your answer Father. I didn't leave the Church on bad terms, I just left. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I spent the last 30 years as a practicing Alcoholic and had little or no sense of spirituality. It could be because I have Blonde hair and Blue Eyes and in order to fit in as a Catholic in South Philly I needed to be Italian. I just don't know. Your letter did more for me than you realize.
While growing up I would go to the Father with my personal issues that I needed to talk to someone about, or as a class requirement. There was always an answer for me in one way or another. I didn't always agree with it, but I had to accept it as the answer I got. Not one time did I ever realize that the Men I was getting Answers from sometimes needed answers themselves. In some ways I now feel a little selfish because I had a hard time realizing that they were also human beings with feeling and emotions, let alone the problems that go along with being human. Seeing you on a Human Level has, in a way, sparked an interest in finding something that I lost along the way. Maybe it's time to stop in again.
Now, some words from this Alcoholic: It takes strength, persistancy and focus to over come this. Where you find the strength is up to you, but it's there for the taking when you do find it. Taking on the trials and tribulation that come along in everyday life can be difficult. In more instances than we care to admit, we need help. Help is there for you. Inspiration is there for you. Motivation comes from within us.
I know that your answer is there somewhere and I know you're going to find it.

augustine

Pinkcuda - You made my day yesterday! And I read your post again and it made my day today. (I plan on reading it again tomorrow.) If anything it says to me that maybe God had a plan for me all along and that makes it all worth it.

One of the most difficult things in any priest's life I think is the perception that we've somehow "overcome" everything when that is hardly the case. One of the most amazing and beautiful things to me is that when God established the priesthood He entrusted fragile flawed human beings to act as his instruments here on Earth. I am humbled daily when I think of the awesome responsibility that I have to both Him and to my parishioners. Part of that responsibility is not denying that I am a man too and that I don't have all the answers; we're all in this together and I am but a mere servant.

And please, you misunderstand me if you think that I was in any way rejecting AA due to the semantics of the concept of "a higher power" that I saw there or that I am somehow "above them". I was describing my own personal discomfort which has little to do with its actual value. I went to another AA meeting this morning and in both cases I have yet to see a group MORE in touch with God, regardless of what they may call him. There is a piece of Catholic Dogma paraphrased as: "Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus" or "Outside the Church there is no Salvation". It is a foundational concept outlining the idea of the Catholic Church as the one true church in which salvation through Jesus Christ may be found. It also outlines the alternatives; how anyone of faith who desires an understanding of God is not exempt as long as they seek salvation. I believe this covers the "Group of Drunks" and the many other concepts used within AA. As for my discomfort? I'm afraid you are seeing a personal prejudice of mine and I apologise. It does not, however, prevent me from looking at things with an open mind and acknowledging the good that exists.

And Paulmh, I rather enjoyed being preached to. Thank you.

Your humble servant,
Dietrich

zoomer

Good going on getting to a meeting!

augustine

Here is something

I have not had a drink since Monday morning (or really late Sunday night if you look it that way.(

I would be pleased with myself if I didn't feel like I was about to die.

God certainly doesn't make this easy.

Tired.
Dietrich

Sugah

I remember being told as a child that I would appreciate things more if they didn't come easily. Sobriety is like that for me, too -- I remember the hard work of getting here, so I'm not inclined to take it lightly or throw it away.



That's known in some parts as a "desire" coin for your first 24 hrs of sobriety. Maybe that will do you until you go pick up one of your own. We tell newcomers that when the desire to drink hits, put that under your tongue. As soon as it dissolves, you're safe to have a drink.

Peace & Love,
Sugah