lovemyfamily

How can we afford it? My husband is a functioning drunk that drinks 8+ beers per night. He works (thank goodness), we don't have savings, cannot ask family and he doesn't want his work to find out. He can take a leave of absence, but then we would be without his salary. If we don't have his income, we would not make our mortgage.

How do people do it? Just say forget it all, his health is worth losing the house over? Or is there some way to go on disability during rehab? If so, would his work know why he was on disability? He works in a small office (50 employees) and doesn't want the whole world knowing his business.....

Will his sobriety cost us our family bankruptcy? Ugh - this sucks.

Any help or suggestions would be so much appreciated. We need help! Thank you!

Rowan

Hi and welcome,

Is your husband willing to go to AA? Meetings are free. Meetings, coupled with a visit to his doctor to get the 'all clear' would be helpful.
Also, be sure to check out our friends and families section.

Tazman53

First thing to do is see a doctor, that is what I did and what every alcoholic should do before they quit drinking for several reasons:

1. We may need a medically supervised detox.
2. We should have a baseline on our health.
3. We should see what long term programs are available to us.

I was a functioning alcoholic and thought I would not need to be detoxed, thank God I was totally honest with my doctor, I needed medical detox, even with constant medical supervision my blood pressure was all over the place and even though they had me on anti-siezure meds I started to get the shakes on the 3rd day and they had to up the meds I was on for that.

I was in a similar situation to your husband but knew I had to get sober or die so I took a week off work and spent 5 days in medical detox.

I was committed to do what ever it took to get and stay sober! In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober after I left there to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor! In AA they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to work the steps with my sponsor.

As we worked the steps my sponsor told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to do service work, work with other alcoholics, and live the steps to the best of my ability.

Well that sounds like a lot, but it involves far less time then I spent drinking, I have been sober for over a year, it is extremely rewarding, I am a far happier and better person then I have been in over 30 years and my family respects and loves me again! What more could I ask for out of life?

Yes an old drunk can get and stay sober without rehab....... sometimes, some folks need rehab, when it is a choice between a slow alcoholic death and rehab..... well that is up to your husband.

If one really wants to get and stay sober they will do what ever it takes.

snowgoose

On some level the question of what you can afford comes down to the fact that alcoholism always has some kind of ending. Unfortunately, that ending is sometimes death. I would suggest that you begin going to Alanon if you haven't already, and that you embrace the program with all your heart. It seems that it is not only the drunk that needs to get better.... you'll see what I mean if you do truly love your family enough to follow that advice.

Tazman has written a lot of wisdom above.

Love and best wishes from the Snowgoose.

snowgoose

More to be said: You will learn a huge amount by reading back posts here. A medical detox can be done with a minimum of time away from work, especially if it is arranged over a weekend or long weekend. While some people do need a longer stay, that is not always the case. (Some people even need a halfway house for six months or a year.) I personally did it on my own, not even knowing of the medical dangers at the time. I did consult with my excellent doctor before quitting. Apparently he felt that my drinking pattern would not require a medical detox and was right. But for many alcoholics, the shaking (DTs or delerium tremens) and hallucinations (everything appears to move and there are images of insects and sometimes the feeling of them) upon withdrawal of alcohol are dangerous, even life-threatening. Medications are given to assist during this relatively short period.

About people around you knowing - well, often it turns out that they already knew - and when the drinker solves the problem and gets better, s/he gains respect and sets an example for others. You only find this out later.

Again, love and concern from the Snowgoose.

CarolD

Hi...
The Salvation Army has free excellent programs.

Many AA members ...including myself...did not use a
rehab. Has he considered AA?

De Tox and Rehab are not necessarily the same thing

Blessings to you and your family

GrouchoTheCat

As others have advised,have him see his Doctor.

AA is free and only takes a short time each day and works for millions!

Best,

Ted

Pinkcuda

Nothing works as well as a sincere desire to quit. Those girls in Hollywood have proven that rehab doesn't work. A.A. and perserverance are the answer.

Pol

Does your husbands work have a policy on alcohol problems. Although I had to give up my job, I have friends in AA who spoke to their bosses and they were able to take time out whilst they concentrated on their recovery - sort of 2 months sabbatical. Most companies have a confidentiality ruling.
AA worked for me though but I had to give it my full attention to begin with - I couldn't cope with anything else
God bless

Jfanagle

It is different for everyone, but I just went to an AA meeting at noon each day, during lunch hour and then again at 6PM at night. It was a very difficult "white knuckle" first 30 days, but it was economical. More importantly IT WORKED!

I was single, sole support of my daughters as well as the owner of a small business that was the emplyment for 5 other employees. There was NO other avenue than AA. Perhaps that is why I HAD to make it work.

It was a struggle and it was worth every bit of the pain and turmoil and still is some years later.

If you want it badly enough there is a great deal of support in the rooms of AA.

Oh yea, I did call on a LITTLE help from that entity I call "the spirits of the universe", some call God. That was a major help.

Jon

sneakers

Hi lovemyfamily: If your husband do not need to go to detox yes, he should go to AA meeting get a sponser and work the 12 steps, and get honest.


your friend


sneakers,

akimmel1302

for me it was not a choice but when it became a choice it was me getting sober...or losing all support .ie. job, car, family...EVERYTHING!!! also there are many plans that insurance will cover......taking it over with the rehab is important too....

-kimmel

Signal30

I know of people who were homeless, and were able to get into a rehab. I would go to an open meeting with your husband for support, and while at the meeting ask someone about treatment centers in the area that accept those with limited or no funds.


Tom

barb dwyer

Taz wrote: Bottom line - that's the deal. If it's not there, it won't happen.
Whether in rehab, treatment ... or not.

I hate to sound like this but I can't think of a pleasant way to say it so that everyone will be happy - but - if he was that serious about sobering up ... wouldn't HE be the one posting on here?

I'm an alcohlic. I know that when I made the decision ... so to speak ... nothing ... and I mean NOTHING was going to stop me. I'm not necessarily sensng that in these posts. I only had one place to go.

No job.
No money.
No status.
Nothing was more important.

And I went.
To the only place I could go.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I am alive today to report - it works.

Cost: a buck a day ... if I had it.
Value: Priceless

I worked a job and detoxed at the same time.
I had no luxuries like insurance, or money.
I had to train three times ... to do this job.
That's how sick I was.
All I had for 'healthcare' was a local free clinic doctor who *I* had to keep up with calling and checking in.
But I also didn't sit back and wait for someone to do it for me.

You have to want it. HE ... has to want it.
For yourself. Himself.
You have to be willing to do whatever it takes.
Not have whatever it takes ... done for you.

Five years ago someone I cared about very much ...
not my best friend - my ONLY friend; my mentor ...
decided he'd try to get help.
He got on a list for a detox/rehab.
He drank himself to death waiting.
Fourteen days.
What is a house, or a job ... when compared to that?
We only have the ONE outcome for waiting as alcoholics.

Sorry that doesn't come out more ... pleasant.
Just something to look at.

Tazman53

Well said Barb!

I was thinking the same thing as you.

If HE wants it, he would be posting here.

When I went to AA I was willing to do anything to get and stay sober, I had progressed furth enough into my disease where I knew if I did not get sober soon I was going to die.

Does your husband really want to get sober?

If he does he will be taking the actions, have him join and post his questions, we are here to help him, it is a waste of time if he does not really want to get sober. I am an alcoholic and nothing my wife or family did for me helped me get and stay sober until I started taking actions, not my wife or family. God knows they tried to help me for so long they could not take it any more and were in the process of leaving my drunk butt because they did not want to watch me die!

Until I was ready to get sober there was no help for me, begging, pleading and threats did not phase me! I took action when I was ready to stop which was years after my wife and family were ready for me to stop!

SaTiT

Dose he have the shakes or go into a convultions when he's working or at work ?
Think about it for a second...okay.


Or breaking the habit of getting drunk at home after work is a hard habit to break.

maybe instead of getting drunk after work , he can go to AA meetings instead,
to break habits all the way around.lol

Pipes Mcgee

Well,
He works,.............for now, but, this disease is a progressive one. Soon,...8 beers will turn into 12, and then 15, and then a case, and then perhaps some beer mixed with liquor and then before you know it....he will start missing work. His work ethic, devotion to his family and ability to put food on the table, his love for you,....none of that matters once this disease digs its heels in. If he drinks 8 beers a night,.....(by the way,....most alcoholics sneak drinks so he probably drinks alot more than you are aware of) his co-workers can see it in his eyes, and smell it on him. There is nothing you can do to cover up this diseases effects. He probably shakes late into the day at work. His co-workers probably suspect already. Most states have a binding law to which employers must abide. This law states that if an employee comes to them with the truth about their substance abuse problem, they must either help them with treatment or allow them to seek treatment with their job intact when they return. But they must come to them first. An employee cannot, say, get caught intoxicated at work or drinking on a lunch hour and THEN plead to the mercy of this law. I sometimes still find myself in disbelief when I hear people struggling with whether or not a loved one should seek treatment because it may interfere with a job or other obligations. After all,...if we are too drunk or, God forbid, dead,....we cannot go to work or meet these obligations. So, set in those terms, is it really a tough question??