Picking a sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
Picking a sponsor
When picking my first sponsor, I finally decided I wasn't going to pick someone and then I just went up to the guy I liked but knew wasn't sponsoring and told him to pick me a sponsor. He did. That worked fine. Now here I am again with no sponsor again (reasons left out to try to keep this breif).
I have enough free space in my brain to deal with this issue this time and well I understand my reservations.
I didn't walk down the street and just pick some woman out of the crowd and say, "hey you look nice, wanna get married?" and yet I feel like this situation of picking a sponsor is just as absurd.
Can't I just try out various sponsors until I find one that works? what do you folks think?
I have enough free space in my brain to deal with this issue this time and well I understand my reservations.
I didn't walk down the street and just pick some woman out of the crowd and say, "hey you look nice, wanna get married?" and yet I feel like this situation of picking a sponsor is just as absurd.
Can't I just try out various sponsors until I find one that works? what do you folks think?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I'm on my fourth sponsor. I've stayed with each one, on average, 1.5 years. One fired me, the others I fired. I've grown and changed a lot in sobriety, and I've outgrown different women, although we have remained good friends. I've found that someone who 'looks good' as a sponsor, isn't necessarily so.
JMO
JMO
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I picked my first sponsor because people kept telling me I needed to get one. I finally just did the walk up and ask thing of someone I had seen on a regular basis in the meetings I attended. That sponsorship did not work out real well. It lasted about 8 months before I just gave up. I found that my friends were more of a sponsor to me than the one I picked.
I then asked a friend to sponsor me. That lasted about 6 months. I realize that there is a difference between what I look for in a friend and what I need in a sponsor.
I went without a sponsor for a while. I spent that time really listening to people speak in meetings. Listening for similarities, listening for consistency, listening to how they talk in meetings (were they self centered in their sharing, did they look for the solution in their problems or just look for sympathy, etc..). It took me a while but I have had the same sponsor now for nearly 3 years. She is a woman who works the program in and out of the rooms of A.A., she works with her sponsor on a regular basis, is open to just lending an ear when needed, is able to share her experience without the expectation that I do just like she did. It has worked well.
I do agree with Rowan. I think that as we grow and change what we need in the way of sponsorship also changes and we can outgrow a sponsor. I don't think there is anything wrong with changing sponsors as long as we are not doing it because we don't like the current one calling us on our sh**. I have a friend who changes sponsors anytime she doesn't like when they tell her their opinion about her part in a problem.
Good luck. There is also nothing wrong with asking someone to be your temporary sponsor. This is a good way to test the waters and see if they are what you are needing in a sponsor and also fills the gap when you are without one.
I then asked a friend to sponsor me. That lasted about 6 months. I realize that there is a difference between what I look for in a friend and what I need in a sponsor.
I went without a sponsor for a while. I spent that time really listening to people speak in meetings. Listening for similarities, listening for consistency, listening to how they talk in meetings (were they self centered in their sharing, did they look for the solution in their problems or just look for sympathy, etc..). It took me a while but I have had the same sponsor now for nearly 3 years. She is a woman who works the program in and out of the rooms of A.A., she works with her sponsor on a regular basis, is open to just lending an ear when needed, is able to share her experience without the expectation that I do just like she did. It has worked well.
I do agree with Rowan. I think that as we grow and change what we need in the way of sponsorship also changes and we can outgrow a sponsor. I don't think there is anything wrong with changing sponsors as long as we are not doing it because we don't like the current one calling us on our sh**. I have a friend who changes sponsors anytime she doesn't like when they tell her their opinion about her part in a problem.
Good luck. There is also nothing wrong with asking someone to be your temporary sponsor. This is a good way to test the waters and see if they are what you are needing in a sponsor and also fills the gap when you are without one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: green hills of Vermont, USA
Posts: 251
The issue of getting a sponsor has been troublesome to me right from the beginning, when I picked someone only to discover that I hadn't known she was "dual-diagnosis", which is psychospeak for having more than one disease. Due to the other problem, she was unable to be a common-sense sponsor. Fired her and got another who was very helpful but male and you know where that leads. (I am female but luckily was clear I wasn't playing cuz he really wasn't available.) His job shifted his physical location so got another who disappeared from the rooms. It is not a large town and I am still looking around for someone whose sobriety I admire, not necessarily someone who has more 24hrs than I do. Dunno whether this helps. Sometimes I accuse myself of not finding a new sponsor because I really don't want to work the program. That might be partially true... but I keep feeling that I want to go through the steps once again. Others have redone the steps after some time sober, and their power of example is good.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Debaucher,
I always try and compare my sober choices to my drinking choices. I started in high school with beer, hard, but cheap alcohol in college, and expensive and very good whiskey and scotch later on as my drinks of choice. Point being, tastes change as does what we require to feel complete.
Sponsors will most likely change. Try a few and decide which you like. This isn't until death do you part; it is just a "guide" to SUGGEST paths to follow. You are not paying them and they are not employing you. Find one that makes sense, makes you laugh at yourself and reminds you this sobriety business isn't rocket surgery, just life and NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE anyway!!
I have three sponsors, my first who introduced me to AA and heard my 5th step and helped me begin to make my amends. That was 8 years ago, he moved to Texas and while I still call him a sponsor, I asked another to "be there for me" 2 years ago and he is still my lifeline if my a$$ falls off. My third is my "service sponsor" for the last 6 years as the man who got me into GSO work. They are all my buddies, and one of my sponsees is really more of a sponsor to me than I am a sponsor to him, I just haven't told him! The reason it is that way is that he is smarter than I am!!
All you are trying to do is get and stay sober. Find the folks who can help you do that and ask for their help. They most likely will help. You will find the right one when you are supposed to. In the mean time, go to meetings and don't drink!!
Jon
I always try and compare my sober choices to my drinking choices. I started in high school with beer, hard, but cheap alcohol in college, and expensive and very good whiskey and scotch later on as my drinks of choice. Point being, tastes change as does what we require to feel complete.
Sponsors will most likely change. Try a few and decide which you like. This isn't until death do you part; it is just a "guide" to SUGGEST paths to follow. You are not paying them and they are not employing you. Find one that makes sense, makes you laugh at yourself and reminds you this sobriety business isn't rocket surgery, just life and NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE anyway!!
I have three sponsors, my first who introduced me to AA and heard my 5th step and helped me begin to make my amends. That was 8 years ago, he moved to Texas and while I still call him a sponsor, I asked another to "be there for me" 2 years ago and he is still my lifeline if my a$$ falls off. My third is my "service sponsor" for the last 6 years as the man who got me into GSO work. They are all my buddies, and one of my sponsees is really more of a sponsor to me than I am a sponsor to him, I just haven't told him! The reason it is that way is that he is smarter than I am!!
All you are trying to do is get and stay sober. Find the folks who can help you do that and ask for their help. They most likely will help. You will find the right one when you are supposed to. In the mean time, go to meetings and don't drink!!
Jon
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
debaucher
I was blessed to have a woman ask me if I would allow her to be my sponsor ..That was when I was 1.5 years sober and had already asked 5 others ansd was denied..
She walked her talk...and she allowed me to see not only that she had struggles but more iomportantly that she walked through the struggels.
She walkeed me through the steps...one of the most important rolses of a sponosr...I think...But she also taught me many other things about life on llife's terms.
I too have seem many other sponsors since ..each a little different...but the constant is always the steps and principles associated with them..
The most important suggestion I can make is to find one that will tell you the truth...and one walks their talk
I was blessed to have a woman ask me if I would allow her to be my sponsor ..That was when I was 1.5 years sober and had already asked 5 others ansd was denied..
She walked her talk...and she allowed me to see not only that she had struggles but more iomportantly that she walked through the struggels.
She walkeed me through the steps...one of the most important rolses of a sponosr...I think...But she also taught me many other things about life on llife's terms.
I too have seem many other sponsors since ..each a little different...but the constant is always the steps and principles associated with them..
The most important suggestion I can make is to find one that will tell you the truth...and one walks their talk
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
It's right here!
http://aa.org/en_pdfs/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
http://aa.org/en_pdfs/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Originally Posted by snowgoose 
Fired her and got another who was very helpful but male and you know where that leads. (I am female but luckily was clear I wasn't playing cuz he really wasn't available.)
I thought I would toss that in for the newcomers that may have intentions of a pletonic relationship with a sponsor of the opposite sex.
Ak1302
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Milford, Ohio
Posts: 32
i picked my sponsor by just going up to someone who i had seen and who stood out to me. he talked at the meeting and seemed like he ahd his stuff together. I believe a good sponsor is someone who has worked the steps and has more sobriety than me...now that is what i need now...some people may argue the sobriety calender as we all have today only but i believe it is right for me...now, if my higher power leads me in a different direction that is who it should be but for now i would stick with someone who you think runs a good program and can take you through the steps and also someone you feel a connection with
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Good stuff here on picking a sponsor, all of which I will not disagree with, one because they are all good and two because there is many ways to pick a sponsor.
For me I use the following criteria:
1. They have to have something I want.
2. They should have a sponsor.
3. I only have a little over a year sober so someone with more time then me (old timers sometimes forget this one, hope I am sober long enough to have this problem!)
4. Walk the walk not just talk the talk in and out of the rooms.
5. Has worked the steps.
6. Not a friend, but someone who could become one or that I would like to call one.
I got my first sponsor my first day out of detox, right after the meeting I just walked up and said "I need a sponsor, will you be my sponsor?" He told me "No, but I will be your temporary sponsor." He explained some of the things I should look for in a sponsor, long story short, he is no longer my sponsor, great guy, just worked to much, but he kept me sober those first 3 months and guided me to finding my present sponsor.
Will someone get drunk because they do not have a sponsor? No, but it sure does increase the likelyhood. The steps I have found are the key to happy sobriety and there is no way to work the steps properly without a sponsor, at least not the 12 I have worked.
For me I use the following criteria:
1. They have to have something I want.
2. They should have a sponsor.
3. I only have a little over a year sober so someone with more time then me (old timers sometimes forget this one, hope I am sober long enough to have this problem!)
4. Walk the walk not just talk the talk in and out of the rooms.
5. Has worked the steps.
6. Not a friend, but someone who could become one or that I would like to call one.
I got my first sponsor my first day out of detox, right after the meeting I just walked up and said "I need a sponsor, will you be my sponsor?" He told me "No, but I will be your temporary sponsor." He explained some of the things I should look for in a sponsor, long story short, he is no longer my sponsor, great guy, just worked to much, but he kept me sober those first 3 months and guided me to finding my present sponsor.
Will someone get drunk because they do not have a sponsor? No, but it sure does increase the likelyhood. The steps I have found are the key to happy sobriety and there is no way to work the steps properly without a sponsor, at least not the 12 I have worked.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 40
The first 3 people I asked to be my sponsor said no for a variety of reasons, (All genuine), and then I met someone who had everything I wanted, including 30 years of sobriety. I asked someone I trusted whether they thought she would sponsor me - they told me to ask - She said yes.- At first it was like a teacher- pupil relationship, but now we've grown in mutual respect and friendship.
It doesn't mean that I don't talk to others - sometimes I find I have to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through in a practical way - someone in the same profession who knows the pitfalls of the job. It doesn't mean I have less trust in my sponor - just that a fresh pair of eyes and ears can be useful.
At any moment anyone who answers the phone can be my temporary sponsor for that minute.
God bless
:praying
It doesn't mean that I don't talk to others - sometimes I find I have to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through in a practical way - someone in the same profession who knows the pitfalls of the job. It doesn't mean I have less trust in my sponor - just that a fresh pair of eyes and ears can be useful.
At any moment anyone who answers the phone can be my temporary sponsor for that minute.
God bless
:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
Alright... I finally prayed on it. The answer came to me as I was driving. Very clearly too. I wasn't really thinking about it. I was singing along to the radio and it was like a pop in my brain...
DUH... it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter who I choose. They are not my higher power and they don't have to be perfect. This isn't a binding contract... it is simply something I need to do. I need to trust God.
I told my wife that I think I got my answer. I asked someone and they said yes... and well now I have a sponsor.
I have been reading "Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects" and finished the section on step 6. I think my problem with step 6 is that I wasn't and haven't been entirely ready to have God remove my character defects. I thought I could do it.
It is kind of like I could admit I couldn't solve my drinking problem that I needed God's help. But my character defects I could fix myself and thank God for letting me do it.
Being stuck on the sponsor issue was a baby step. I decided to ask God. To turn it over to him and wait for an answer. It came. I got my sponsor I finished the chapter. I have been meditating on the words "surrender" and "give up control" and it took a couple weeks but I am entirely ready. And I am ready to ask God.
I feel so good... I want to do it right now but I also want it to be profound. I really want to do it in a big way... but also a private way.
I must say that the AA promises have been so true for me. The before we are half way through was step 5! and it wasn't even after I did it. It was when I made the decision to do it.
enough of me spilling my guts... oh and I finally got out of the periphery of meetings... I am chairing a big book study for the month.
and yeah I expect some "dat a boys" but I didn't write this for that... I am just excited and I felt like sharing... I am over joyed with love for my fellow alcoholics. Thank you for giving me this gift!
DUH... it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter who I choose. They are not my higher power and they don't have to be perfect. This isn't a binding contract... it is simply something I need to do. I need to trust God.
I told my wife that I think I got my answer. I asked someone and they said yes... and well now I have a sponsor.
I have been reading "Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects" and finished the section on step 6. I think my problem with step 6 is that I wasn't and haven't been entirely ready to have God remove my character defects. I thought I could do it.
It is kind of like I could admit I couldn't solve my drinking problem that I needed God's help. But my character defects I could fix myself and thank God for letting me do it.
Being stuck on the sponsor issue was a baby step. I decided to ask God. To turn it over to him and wait for an answer. It came. I got my sponsor I finished the chapter. I have been meditating on the words "surrender" and "give up control" and it took a couple weeks but I am entirely ready. And I am ready to ask God.
I feel so good... I want to do it right now but I also want it to be profound. I really want to do it in a big way... but also a private way.
I must say that the AA promises have been so true for me. The before we are half way through was step 5! and it wasn't even after I did it. It was when I made the decision to do it.
enough of me spilling my guts... oh and I finally got out of the periphery of meetings... I am chairing a big book study for the month.
and yeah I expect some "dat a boys" but I didn't write this for that... I am just excited and I felt like sharing... I am over joyed with love for my fellow alcoholics. Thank you for giving me this gift!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Debaucher that is really cool, you mention "Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects", I got to hear him speak at an AA convention this past weekend, when he speaks you can feel the spirit, the man is so full of the spirit one can not be around him without absorbing some! He was in the rooms in my area when he first got sober, as a matter of fact the home he lived in now is a resteraunt (sp).
Thanks for sharing that with us, recovery can be contagious when mixed with joy and a soaring heart!
Thanks for sharing that with us, recovery can be contagious when mixed with joy and a soaring heart!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
to me sponsership is a nessacity.It`s not a option
I have had only 3 in 20 yrs
the first one quit coming to meetings after about 3 yrs with me,he`s still sober today
the second one died of cancer 2 yrs ago -33 yrs sober -and 82 yrs old-he was a great man in my life-We loved each other a lot
the third one is 88 yrs old and is fixing to pick up a 48 yr chip in 10 days
all three of these guys are what I call God Men or program men
they point me back to the steps or prayer for the solutons to my problems.
if I had to look for another sponser today,here is what I would look for;
a man who is active in AA and sucessfull in life outside the meetings specifically
sucessfull = meaning he is able to have good lasting relationships,and functions well and honestly in his dealings in the world.That shows me he pratices what he talks about in the meetings.
I have found I will be making a mistake if I go looking for a sponser to "replace" a old sponser who died for example.People are different and cannot be replaced in my opinion.No two are alike.I made that mistake when my second sponser died.I looked for another guy just like him and it cannot be done.I grabbed my present sponser and he is a great sponser and a very good man.
I also have a younger man in another state who serves as a "unofficial" service sponser.He is a past delegate to New York and has over 20 yrs experience in service work in AA.
He has been a great help concerning intergroup workings,AA service,traditions,and the concepts.
there is allways something to learn if I am willing to learn.
there is allways growing to do if I am willing to grow.
I have had only 3 in 20 yrs
the first one quit coming to meetings after about 3 yrs with me,he`s still sober today
the second one died of cancer 2 yrs ago -33 yrs sober -and 82 yrs old-he was a great man in my life-We loved each other a lot
the third one is 88 yrs old and is fixing to pick up a 48 yr chip in 10 days
all three of these guys are what I call God Men or program men
they point me back to the steps or prayer for the solutons to my problems.
if I had to look for another sponser today,here is what I would look for;
a man who is active in AA and sucessfull in life outside the meetings specifically
sucessfull = meaning he is able to have good lasting relationships,and functions well and honestly in his dealings in the world.That shows me he pratices what he talks about in the meetings.
I have found I will be making a mistake if I go looking for a sponser to "replace" a old sponser who died for example.People are different and cannot be replaced in my opinion.No two are alike.I made that mistake when my second sponser died.I looked for another guy just like him and it cannot be done.I grabbed my present sponser and he is a great sponser and a very good man.
I also have a younger man in another state who serves as a "unofficial" service sponser.He is a past delegate to New York and has over 20 yrs experience in service work in AA.
He has been a great help concerning intergroup workings,AA service,traditions,and the concepts.
there is allways something to learn if I am willing to learn.
there is allways growing to do if I am willing to grow.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 56
I asked the loudest guy in the meeting to sponsor me after the first few meetings. He said "Sure!" He wasn't sure what he knew about the program, and I wasn't sure what he knew, but he was loud enough to convince both of us he knew what he was talking about.So I caught up with him after the meeting and asked him what to do. He screwed his face up, and then his eyes went wide as saucers as revelation spread across his face. He pointed at the sky and thundered, "DO YOUR FIRST STEP!!!".
Over three years and two sponsors later, I followed his advice.
My second sponsor fired me three or four times, after he realized he was in over his head. I think I forced him to work some steps. He finally got rid of me by moving and getting drunk.
He can't believe I'm the same person these days. Every time he fired me he said, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." He was right.
I have a sponsor who understands that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not a meeting full of assorted fruits and nuts, but the Twelve Steps of action.
Over three years and two sponsors later, I followed his advice.
My second sponsor fired me three or four times, after he realized he was in over his head. I think I forced him to work some steps. He finally got rid of me by moving and getting drunk.
He can't believe I'm the same person these days. Every time he fired me he said, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." He was right.
I have a sponsor who understands that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not a meeting full of assorted fruits and nuts, but the Twelve Steps of action.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: new york
Posts: 17
Unusual but helpful sponsor situation
I've been in AA for 9 months, sober. It has been my first personal experience
with AA. My brother has been involved since around 1990. I have a male friend
who's been involved in AA since 1995, and whom I've been platonic friends, since 1993.
My home group is an all woman's group and I have a couple of temporary sponsors
from that group. Since most of the people I have met in the rooms are extremely
busy with jobs, families, meetings and (some even "collecting" sponsees as charms),
I find it helpful not to put all of my eggs in one basket.
My platonic friend has always been a phone pal. We compared notes over the years
on multiple issues. He would give me the male perspective, and I would give him the female perspective. We are both cut from the same cloth, yet we can be honest and sometimes brutally so with one another.
I can honestly say that after 9 months of going to AA I really haven't found a woman
that I would want to have as a permanent sponsor. This has been the problem I have had with women in regular society. I am an honest, down-to-earth female, never married, no kids, late forties, independent, heterosexual, alcoholic. I believe that
any addiction is unhealthy, so I try to keep healthy, now.
The women I have met in AA are good, decent people.....but it seems that almost all of them have heavy problems with guilt, shame and depression. I don't have much guilt and shame and what I do have I am dealing with rather effortlessly. I realize that I am blessed, and I guess that is the point of my reply.
Sometimes sponsors are overrated.......getting feedback from multiple persons in rooms is sometimes more effective. When AA began I believe sponsors were
used initially to get someone in the door of AA, as the meetings were largely closed.
Resourcefulness in the 21st century goes far.
with AA. My brother has been involved since around 1990. I have a male friend
who's been involved in AA since 1995, and whom I've been platonic friends, since 1993.
My home group is an all woman's group and I have a couple of temporary sponsors
from that group. Since most of the people I have met in the rooms are extremely
busy with jobs, families, meetings and (some even "collecting" sponsees as charms),
I find it helpful not to put all of my eggs in one basket.
My platonic friend has always been a phone pal. We compared notes over the years
on multiple issues. He would give me the male perspective, and I would give him the female perspective. We are both cut from the same cloth, yet we can be honest and sometimes brutally so with one another.
I can honestly say that after 9 months of going to AA I really haven't found a woman
that I would want to have as a permanent sponsor. This has been the problem I have had with women in regular society. I am an honest, down-to-earth female, never married, no kids, late forties, independent, heterosexual, alcoholic. I believe that
any addiction is unhealthy, so I try to keep healthy, now.
The women I have met in AA are good, decent people.....but it seems that almost all of them have heavy problems with guilt, shame and depression. I don't have much guilt and shame and what I do have I am dealing with rather effortlessly. I realize that I am blessed, and I guess that is the point of my reply.
Sometimes sponsors are overrated.......getting feedback from multiple persons in rooms is sometimes more effective. When AA began I believe sponsors were
used initially to get someone in the door of AA, as the meetings were largely closed.
Resourcefulness in the 21st century goes far.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
