GoodPerson

Some of you might remember me. I wrote at the end of June, wondering about my alcoholism/alcohol problem. Chatting with you here and reading your stories really, really helped me! I have very successfully moderated drinking since then. In fact, my "rules" have been never to drink when I really feel like it. Only occasionally (three times) have I had a single glass of wine in the evening, and only with guests to dinner at our house. Each time it was planned and I promised myself and only had one.

But tonight, my husband is out of town, I've been at work all day, I had been kind of low but got excellent work-related news just before leaving work, and my seventeen-month-old is sick and wearing me out.

I really would like a glass of wine. And not in the "one planned glass" way.

Any words of encouragement?

Thanks, from one good person to many others.

Jfanagle

"Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties,......"

If any of this sounds familiar then you might find the rest of the book interesting. It is the Book of Alcoholic Anonymous.

It made perfect sense to me when I first read it 8 years ago. I have enjoyed my life ever sense I knew "I have a problem" with alcohol." I would never tell anyone else if they are or are not alcoholic, it is a self assessment.

Jon

GoodPerson

Thanks, Jon. I have read and even quoted the Big Book to others. And I know that there are many, certainly the majority, on this site who feel that for themselves (and,let's be honest, for almost anyone with a problem) there is only one solution-- to quit drinking. But please listen and don't judge immediately when I say that I don't believe that I'm struggling tonight because I've decided to moderate drinking rather than quit altogether . I am trying to work the steps in my own way, most of all with a certain surrender, honesty, clarity and responsibility. I do not want to drink when I know that I want to do it as an escape or out of compulsion or out of self-destruction. I will only drink if I can do it with detachment (which is what non alcoholics do.) If I were in denial, I would use the "moderation" excuse to drink tonight. But I'm not.

So, a bit of help about why we-- whether we abstain or don't-- want to drink when we do other than hunger, anger, lonlieness or tiredness? Anything deeper? Any tricks for not getting down on yourself about the desire?

best

Because that is how I am put together. Alcohol cotrols me or I control alcohol.
I could moderate but I also know that given a length of time my moderation would progress me right back to my old self.
My choice not to drink at all is because of that reason. 2 beers I could do. A 3rd beer would have me finish the night on the floor though.
One glass of wine would have me on the floor as well. I could not moderate at all if drinking wine.
Moderation is a pain in the butt. Daily I would need be on my toes and thinking about ...well just what you are thinking about right now.
Not drinking at all, my day is free because my mind is free... alcohol doesn't control me because I won't give it a chance by picking up that first one.

GoodPerson

With all due respect, and with true appreciation for your responses, I would like to clarify:

I AM NOT ASKING ANYONE ELSE TO MODERATE. I am simply being honest about my decision and seeking help. The quote from my post doesn't have anything to do with what you wrote.


I said, and I reiterate, that I don't think that I'm craving alcohol tonight because I am not taking a complete abstention path. But apparently one cannot possibly be being honest with themselves if they are not abstemious. And if I were to believe the logic of the responses, if you completely quit then you never feel shaky or a desire to drink. We all know that's not true.


You know, I felt that I noticed before a kind of web "cold shoulder" to individuals who write in to this site who follow a path other than the AA, or at least the complete abstention path. I pushed the thought away before as simply working out my own anger about my problem on people who are just trying to stay sober themselves, and what is more, helping others in the process. But tonight I don't feel so generous.

DOES ONE NEED TO LIE ON THIS SITE AND SAY THAT THEY BELIEVE ONLY IN AA ABSTENTION TO GET ATTENTION AND SUPPORT?

I think we as a community can do better.

best

I shared with you what has worked with "me"

My desire for and cravings for a drink are very few and far between. The intensity of any craving is so small that I rarly notice it any more. Put a teaspoon of wine on my lips and tip of my tongue things would change mighty fast.
Put a beer in front of me and I have no problems at all. I could even drink that "one" beer but I would need remain vigilant in my thoughts after that one beer. My choice is to not live that way. If your choice is to do so... that is your choice.
You don't need lie to get the truth. You just need read and accept what is what.
This site is for people looking for answers on how to stop the madness that alcohol and drugs brings into our lives. I have found as have so many others...moderation does Not stop the madness, it may only bring it to an acceptable level that we feel we can live with. If moderation is your desire... I am sure there are sites that deal with just that.
If SR doesn't fit what you are looking for that doesn't mean we are wrong...it just means you are in denial or are looking for something we don't offer.

GrouchoTheCat

I reccommend AA because it works for me. When I do so I am speaking of my own personal experience. May God bless you if you can find an easier way. I do believe that some do, and I sincerely wish them well.

From the Big Book:

Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. (pg32)

You might be one of the lucky ones who stops before you have lost too much.

Also, the greeters here routinely post links for those interested in programs other than AA.

I wish you the best, only time can tell,

Ted

Jfanagle

Interesting question regarding the "tricks" for not regretting the desire. I can not really give you any since I am an admitted alcoholic. I don't see my or anyone else's alcoholism as a problem or even a flaw. I am simply alcoholic and I don't have a drinking problem if I don't drink! That may sound superfluous, but it is true. I also have size 12 feet and as a result can not wear size 8 shoes no matter how many around me are wearing them. I see this as a fact of who I am and not a flaw in my make up. Because I really believe this there is no need for me to address the issue of ways to not feel bad about wanting a drink when stress levels are building.

Your question as to why we want to drink when we get tired, lonely, or angry is I believe because that is what alcoholics do. Others with a particular make up over eat, others shop to excess. Some folks gamble. If you don't want to get down on yourself for the desire, simply DON'T. That may seem to be too basic, but the "act" of self rapprochement is an internal action. If you can feel good about drinking to relieve some of the emotions and if it does no harm to you or those around you, I suspect you are simply using alcohol like so many "social" drinkers do. If you are "USING" alcohol and not "ABUSING" alcohol we will most likely never meet in an AA meeting since you don't have a problem. You are most likely not an alcoholic.

I believe there are as many solutions to problems as there are people with them. I ended up choosing AA because for me it was one way that many people with MY problem were solving it. I don't recruit nor do I think it is the only way for an alcoholic to solve their problem. I have a vastly improved life as a result of the philosophy of AA and while the desire to drink left me several years ago the manner of living that AA imparted to me has made me one of those goofy fellows who will start a speech when asked to talk, by introducing my self as a "grateful alcoholic."

I wish you the best and I am genuinely sorry that I can't give you a better way of not "getting down" on yourself for the desire to drink. That is an inside job, and not one that I have ever heard a good answer to. Best wishes in you search for your path.

Jon

tiburon88

I recommend moderation management. You really don't sound like a alcoholic and I believe many AA folks tend to think that the "program" fits everyone. Good Luck

best

Seldom have we seen a person who follows what we do fail.
The program fits everyone that is willing to do what is suggested.
AA tells us that it isn't the "only" program and those who wish to try other ways have the choice to do so.

For me...I see it as a program that has worked for many over many years. I know other ways but I don't know any other way that is so accepted by so many as AA. My own experiences are why I suggest AA to anyone looking for answers. It works "if" a person works it.

Pinkcuda

I can't moderate my drinking. God knows, I've tried. Therefore I cannot relate to the topic of this thread. I'm sure others can't relate either. That might be the reason for the lack of responses. For myself, quitting was without a doubt easier than trying to moderate. That, I believe, is something others can relate to. Moderation is like speaking a foreign language. No Comprende!

Justme57

Yes , Pinkcuda, I agree ,

We can only share OUR experience, maybe no one who uses moderation, has read the thread yet .
I cant help, cos I tried to moderate my drinking for 37 years , and it didnt work .....FOR ME

I think that if you are using "moderation" the fact that you have alcahol in your system, may alleviate the cravings , but I dont have the experience to tell, i am speaking from a Physiological viewpoint

i wish you well
HUGX
Leigh

nandm

My experience with moderation was not successful. I was able to moderate for periods of time before winding up back off the deep end.

The only thing that has stopped me from going off the deep end with my drinking for any real period of time has been abstinence. Do I recommend it for everyone? No, I think that it is an individual thing. The only person who really knows if they are an alcoholic, or just a problem drinker is themself. I personally am an alcoholic, therefore moderation is not a solution for my problem.

It is unfortunate that you feel you are not receiving the response to your thread that you wanted. Not everyone who is in A.A. feels that there is only one solution to an alcohol problem. My opinion is that each person has their own path and what works for one may not work for another. A.A. has been the only thing that has worked for me. I have heard people talk about dealing with their alcohol problem in other ways. I do hope you find what works for you. A.A. seems to be the way a significant amount of people has dealt with their alcohol problem that utlize this site. But not everyone. I do hope you will continue to post. But you might also consider also checking out sites geared more toward moderation, like moderation management etc...

St_Kurt

I can relate because after many months of attending AA meetings and seriously considering the possibility that I was an alcoholic, I discovered I wasn't. I am a member of al-anon however.

I can't say whether abstention vs. moderation is right for you. In my case it was the discovery that creating "drinking rules" whether it is "only drink one on the weekend" or "don't drink at all ever again" or "just don't drink today" that messed up my relationship to alcohol. When I created rules for myself, I broke them, or wanted to break them - just as you're feeling now. Though I had never obsessed about alcohol before, I found that that was the result. And a secondary result was that I was often frustrated with my inability to just "let it go".

Nobody likes to live with rules and I believe it was this initial action that led me to believe I was an alcoholic in the first place.

In the end, I found that drinking only because I felt like it was the best and only rule I could truly adhere to. It means that I don't drink on Friday because on Friday's it's allowed. It means that I only drink when I truly feel like it which means I drink a whole lot less and less often.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but instead of struggling with your rules, why not have the drink you crave? And at the same time consider whether or not you are having a drink during one of the "allowed times" because you want one or because you finally can.

Perhaps what you're struggling with is not whether or not to drink tonight, but whether or not you are truly and alcoholic. The people who answered you know who they are and they know what the answer for them is. You might still be searching and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Well, cheers. (or not, depending on what you decide to do.)


~SK

GoodPerson

Thanks very much for your thoughtfulness in the above post. I guess I'm hanging out to see if and what my rather dramatic post would elicit...

Just so you know, I think there are lots of reasons that a person trying to moderate would rather join a site that facilitates discussions between abstinence and moderating folks. Which is what I was under the impression that this site was. I have some suspicions about just how honest some of the MM people really want to be. I actually find more guidance and familiarity in the alcoholics' approach and in some of the step-based methods.

So, in short, I wanted to be here and be supported, not be sent elsewhere.

Thanks again.

CarolD

The community here is Sober Recovery
Simple.

Anna

Hi Goodperson,

I am sorry that you are having a tough evening.

I know that SR has many members who use AA and it works well for them, but this website is supportive of any program that helps a person to stay sober. I am not an AA person and I have always found lots of support here. However, I cannot moderate my drinking at all. I believe that SR is for people who are sober or trying to become sober. If you're trying to moderate your drinking, you will probably find issues here, because people here are struggling to not drink.

Tazman53

Goodperson if you are an alcoholic then the only thing I will share is that it is a progressive disease, it gets worse with every single drink, if you are an alcoholic then what is moderation today 10 years from now will not be moderation.

My wife is not an alcoholic, as a result she does not control or plan her drinking, if she wants a drink she has it, she may or may not have another, she can truly take it or leave it with out a thought of "God I wish I could have another one, but I better not." She goes for months at a time without a drink, as a matter of fact the only time she does drink is on social occasions and even then it may be one, it may be 2, she has no worry about needing to stop, she is normal.

billwfriend

Good words.
I think trying to control, moderate, plan or monitor how much and when to drink is a good indication that there already is a problem. As you said Tazman, non-alcoholics do not have to control or plan their drinking.

MadTuba

I think asking alcoholics who are trying to stay sober to support your desire to drink moderately is unrealistic.

Maybe there is a site out there specifically for your desire?

Alcoholism KILLS people....drinking moderately is not an option. Good luck.