I Am Very Tired Of Trying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: ALABAMA
Posts: 7
I Am Very Tired Of Trying
I am feeling fair today I drank way to much this weekend.I just want to go without any drinking but I am caught in this terrible cycle.I have tried everything and it just does not work.I guess it comes down to me I must decide to live or die.I am not talking suicide but yet drinking like I do is a slow suicide right.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: ct
Posts: 55
i'm caught in the vortex to,it almost seems unescapable at times.
it's a slow death,a slow erosion of all that you are.hang in there
and keep trying,don't give up.theres still hope as long is you don't give up trying.
it's a slow death,a slow erosion of all that you are.hang in there
and keep trying,don't give up.theres still hope as long is you don't give up trying.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Welcome to the forums HOLYSPIRITHELP.
Part of the insanity in my alcoholism was the fact that I knew alcohol was killing me slowly and yet I had no power in and of myself to stop drinking.
AA was able to help me stop drinking.If you too have a desire to stop then perhaps you might want to check out a few meetings.
AA has been known to succeed where others have failed.
Peter.
Part of the insanity in my alcoholism was the fact that I knew alcohol was killing me slowly and yet I had no power in and of myself to stop drinking.
AA was able to help me stop drinking.If you too have a desire to stop then perhaps you might want to check out a few meetings.
AA has been known to succeed where others have failed.
Peter.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi HSH,
Earlier you wrote:
"I guess it comes down to me I must decide to live or die."
That's exactly right! Once I take that first drink, I no longer have a choice. I have to keep drinking until.....
I can, and I did come to the same decision you sighted above. I decided I wanted to live and that caused a chain of events that I still consider miraculous. All I did from then on was follow directions. I didn't like some of them but I made that decision. Peter suggested checking out some meetings. I second that and when you do, let the people there know about your decision and how much it means to you. Then, follow directions.
Earlier you wrote:
"I guess it comes down to me I must decide to live or die."
That's exactly right! Once I take that first drink, I no longer have a choice. I have to keep drinking until.....
I can, and I did come to the same decision you sighted above. I decided I wanted to live and that caused a chain of events that I still consider miraculous. All I did from then on was follow directions. I didn't like some of them but I made that decision. Peter suggested checking out some meetings. I second that and when you do, let the people there know about your decision and how much it means to you. Then, follow directions.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 10
You can do it! I'm at almost 1 month
Hi HSH and everyone! I was logging on to say that I am almost at one month sobriety and feeling so happy about it. HSH, I joined this board last month and it has helped so much to have others who understand!
Believe me when I say I understand exactly where you are coming from in your note.
Finally, last month, I decided that the only way I felt I could get sober was to ask the doctor to put me on antabuse. For me, that has worked, thankfully.
I've made it this long, feel better, have lost weight, my marriage is doing much better, etc. Even with all of these positives though, I still miss the drinking.
I am learning that will probably never go away. Even today I feel like I am "missing a friend" and saying "oh, if only I could drink one beer"... thus that is why I am taking the antabuse.
All I can say, is believe in yourself and if you have to do something like I did, then do it. It doesn't mean I'm not strong enough to quit by myself without meds, it means that I am an alcoholic and have a disease!
I feel proud when I wake up now and when I go to bed. You can do it!!!! You don't have to do it alone!
:shades:
Believe me when I say I understand exactly where you are coming from in your note.
Finally, last month, I decided that the only way I felt I could get sober was to ask the doctor to put me on antabuse. For me, that has worked, thankfully.
I've made it this long, feel better, have lost weight, my marriage is doing much better, etc. Even with all of these positives though, I still miss the drinking.
I am learning that will probably never go away. Even today I feel like I am "missing a friend" and saying "oh, if only I could drink one beer"... thus that is why I am taking the antabuse.
All I can say, is believe in yourself and if you have to do something like I did, then do it. It doesn't mean I'm not strong enough to quit by myself without meds, it means that I am an alcoholic and have a disease!
I feel proud when I wake up now and when I go to bed. You can do it!!!! You don't have to do it alone!
:shades:
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Holy,
Glad you came here. Please know your not alone in your feelings. Your desire to stay sober is a decision only you can make and I know it is not an easy one.
There were so many fears for me when I quit 27 days ago. Your emotions are natural, and something inside you is telling you, you need to quit, but to do it alone is near impossible. So welcome here I know you will find the support and kindness.
You will be amazed at the people here just like you! I hung around the board for almost two weeks getting stronger each day until I finally went to an AA meeting. I am not sure if your ready to even think about it but I assure you I was absolutly terrified to go to my first meeting and I am so grateful I did.
There is nothing wrong in admitting you have a problem the only problem is not doing anything about it! I am sure you will find the strength to do so, in the mean time flick that demon off your shoulder today and see how good it feels!
I wish you the best and hope you'll be back!
Glad you came here. Please know your not alone in your feelings. Your desire to stay sober is a decision only you can make and I know it is not an easy one.
There were so many fears for me when I quit 27 days ago. Your emotions are natural, and something inside you is telling you, you need to quit, but to do it alone is near impossible. So welcome here I know you will find the support and kindness.
You will be amazed at the people here just like you! I hung around the board for almost two weeks getting stronger each day until I finally went to an AA meeting. I am not sure if your ready to even think about it but I assure you I was absolutly terrified to go to my first meeting and I am so grateful I did.
There is nothing wrong in admitting you have a problem the only problem is not doing anything about it! I am sure you will find the strength to do so, in the mean time flick that demon off your shoulder today and see how good it feels!
I wish you the best and hope you'll be back!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Re: I Am Very Tired Of Trying
Originally posted by HOLYSPIRITHELP
I am feeling fair today I drank way to much this weekend.I just want to go without any drinking but I am caught in this terrible cycle.I have tried everything and it just does not work.I guess it comes down to me I must decide to live or die.I am not talking suicide but yet drinking like I do is a slow suicide right.
I am feeling fair today I drank way to much this weekend.I just want to go without any drinking but I am caught in this terrible cycle.I have tried everything and it just does not work.I guess it comes down to me I must decide to live or die.I am not talking suicide but yet drinking like I do is a slow suicide right.
Perhaps you can tell us what you like about drinking, so we can help you think of ways to achieve the same effects without drugs. Or describe the situations that trigger you to start drinking. Then folks here can talk about how you can plan for those urges and make a conscious effort to avoid drinking. Plan other activities, make up a "mantra" for when you have the urge to drink. Fill your time with other things to divert yourself from drinking.
In other words, tell us how the cycle begins and you may find the means to break that cycle. What have you tried? Why hasn't anything worked?
You know, the fact is many people drink heavily for years and years and don't die from it. They just get less and less fit and the behavioral patterns seem to take on a life of their own. But you CAN break those patterns. You're not deciding between living and dying. You're deciding not to drink. Have you made that decision? If you have, let's talk about what happens to change that decision when you buy the booze, open it, and drink it.Then you can make the decision stronger, and find the tools to stick with it.
You will have urges, but you CAN bear them. What you perceive as a NEED can become a WANT, and something that we want we can choose to do without. The key is persuading ourselves that it is just a want. I know that sounds simplistic. But it isn't simple, because you have come to believe that you can't stop drinking. So let's work on why you believe that.
Thanks for posting. Everyone here has been through something similar to what you are experiencing, and others who are just checking out this board will benefit from your posts. Hope to hear from you soon.
Don S
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Some of us can quit on our own and some alcholics do better in the company of other sober alcoholics. Have you checked out AA? Have you seen a doctor? Do you have a plan of action? You said you've tried everything, can you be more specific.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink! By that time, I'd past the point where I even thought about drinking; it was automatic! Habits!! It's been said that, "We don't get rid of bad habits!" I believe that habits, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, are a part of my character....who I am! Once a habit becomes part of who I am, it never goes away. The best I can do is EXCHANGE a bad habit for a good habit. In other words, learn something to replace something.
I believe that's why when I came to AA, the people who I clung to did what they did. They made sure I was at an AA meeting every night of the week...sometimes against my will. They made sure that before and after the meeting there was time for fellowship. My first sponsor, Jerry, made sure that I started working the steps as soon as possible and I think most importantly, they called me on my crap so that I could get honest, or at least as honest as was possible at that time. I'm still only as honest as I can be today. I believe one of the first habits that so important to change is the one that tells me it's ok to BS. That's why in how it works, the first paragraph mentions honesty as being so important.
The second most important habit to change is being by myself, even if it's in a room full of people. If it wasn't for those people to whom I gave my life and will over to in the beginning, I'd never have found a Higher Power. Those people were my examples of How It Works. Coming to an AA forum on a computer is fine for what it's worth, but it just isn't worth and never will take the place of "face to face" and sometimes "in your face" people to people communication.
I believe that's why when I came to AA, the people who I clung to did what they did. They made sure I was at an AA meeting every night of the week...sometimes against my will. They made sure that before and after the meeting there was time for fellowship. My first sponsor, Jerry, made sure that I started working the steps as soon as possible and I think most importantly, they called me on my crap so that I could get honest, or at least as honest as was possible at that time. I'm still only as honest as I can be today. I believe one of the first habits that so important to change is the one that tells me it's ok to BS. That's why in how it works, the first paragraph mentions honesty as being so important.
The second most important habit to change is being by myself, even if it's in a room full of people. If it wasn't for those people to whom I gave my life and will over to in the beginning, I'd never have found a Higher Power. Those people were my examples of How It Works. Coming to an AA forum on a computer is fine for what it's worth, but it just isn't worth and never will take the place of "face to face" and sometimes "in your face" people to people communication.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Originally posted by Music
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink! By that time, I'd past the point where I even thought about drinking; it was automatic! Habits!! It's been said that, "We don't get rid of bad habits!" I believe that habits, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, are a part of my character....who I am! Once a habit becomes part of who I am, it never goes away. The best I can do is EXCHANGE a bad habit for a good habit. In other words, learn something to replace something.
I believe that's why when I came to AA, the people who I clung to did what they did. They made sure I was at an AA meeting every night of the week...sometimes against my will. They made sure that before and after the meeting there was time for fellowship. My first sponsor, Jerry, made sure that I started working the steps as soon as possible and I think most importantly, they called me on my crap so that I could get honest, or at least as honest as was possible at that time. I'm still only as honest as I can be today. I believe one of the first habits that so important to change is the one that tells me it's ok to BS. That's why in how it works, the first paragraph mentions honesty as being so important.
The second most important habit to change is being by myself, even if it's in a room full of people. If it wasn't for those people to whom I gave my life and will over to in the beginning, I'd never have found a Higher Power. Those people were my examples of How It Works. Coming to an AA forum on a computer is fine for what it's worth, but it just isn't worth and never will take the place of "face to face" and sometimes "in your face" people to people communication.
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink! By that time, I'd past the point where I even thought about drinking; it was automatic! Habits!! It's been said that, "We don't get rid of bad habits!" I believe that habits, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, are a part of my character....who I am! Once a habit becomes part of who I am, it never goes away. The best I can do is EXCHANGE a bad habit for a good habit. In other words, learn something to replace something.
I believe that's why when I came to AA, the people who I clung to did what they did. They made sure I was at an AA meeting every night of the week...sometimes against my will. They made sure that before and after the meeting there was time for fellowship. My first sponsor, Jerry, made sure that I started working the steps as soon as possible and I think most importantly, they called me on my crap so that I could get honest, or at least as honest as was possible at that time. I'm still only as honest as I can be today. I believe one of the first habits that so important to change is the one that tells me it's ok to BS. That's why in how it works, the first paragraph mentions honesty as being so important.
The second most important habit to change is being by myself, even if it's in a room full of people. If it wasn't for those people to whom I gave my life and will over to in the beginning, I'd never have found a Higher Power. Those people were my examples of How It Works. Coming to an AA forum on a computer is fine for what it's worth, but it just isn't worth and never will take the place of "face to face" and sometimes "in your face" people to people communication.
I agree that honesty is crucial. Recognizing what you like about alcohol can be an eye-opener, and a crucial first step. Others can help reinforce that, and, as you say, call you on your crap.
But it is a fact, HSH, and blue (and music), that millions of people have quit drinking without ever going to a meeting. Those who achieve sobriety are generally motivated, get reinforcement, and plan for urges. This forum board could be a good starting point. You can find reinforcement in any number of places, including meetings. Anxiety about going to a face-to-face meeting might prevent HSH from beginning the process of sobriety. So let's help plan for those urges, and come up with a plan of action for dealing with them.
If meetings help reinforce the decision and the process, great! But online meetings and forum discussions may provide the facts, the impetus, or even the epiphany that makes recovery seem possible. Sometimes when it seems hopeless, a daily reminder via the internet can provide a little reassurance. There were a lot of reasons that it wasn't practical for me to go to meetings in my area. Online information was what got me started and provided the support along the way.
Finally, getting "shouldn't, couldn't, must, and never" out of my vocabulary was a real important step in my sobriety.
Don S
Subtle yet overstated....
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: So Chi Hts, IL
Posts: 46
Welcome to the boards!
I can feel for you as I was in that trap for a long time. I was able to break the cycle through AA and as such that is what I would recommend, because that's what I know and has worked for me.
Don S brings up some very good points. Most importantly, you have to really want to stop drinking. Without that desire, none of the methods will bear much fruit.
Even though I chose AA, that isn't the only solution, so look around and talk to people. See what works for you.
There is a lot of disagreement on how to go about stopping this thing but regardless of the method, most people will tell you that you need some sort of plan of action. Doing it completely on your own is pretty tough so I'm glad your here. There a lot of good people who can share what they've done and learned.
Keep an open mind and good luck!
TimO
I can feel for you as I was in that trap for a long time. I was able to break the cycle through AA and as such that is what I would recommend, because that's what I know and has worked for me.
Don S brings up some very good points. Most importantly, you have to really want to stop drinking. Without that desire, none of the methods will bear much fruit.
Even though I chose AA, that isn't the only solution, so look around and talk to people. See what works for you.
There is a lot of disagreement on how to go about stopping this thing but regardless of the method, most people will tell you that you need some sort of plan of action. Doing it completely on your own is pretty tough so I'm glad your here. There a lot of good people who can share what they've done and learned.
Keep an open mind and good luck!
TimO
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
HOLYSPIRITHELP and ,kindablue,
I can't give you any new good advice or kind words.... they have all been given to you in the replies previous to mine.
I can only give you my well wishes and say keep coming back. We are always here! Personally, I don't want you commiting slow suicide! I hope these replies and the links I'm posting below can help you break the cycle. And it DOES come down to the decision to live or die!
Here are some links to treatments other than AA (though AA is working well for me)...
Here is the home page of SMART Recovery:
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
Here is a link to a web site put together by a dedicated SMART volunteer:
http://www.skysite.org/primer/
And here is Rational Recovery (I think that's where AVRT is from...)
http://www.rationalrecovery.com/
Rational Revovery is very antagonistic to AA for some reason.
You might want to go check out the post titled "what is AVRT and SMART? n/t ".... its on the third page back in this forum. AVRT and SMART are explored quite well in that thread.
Take special care of yourselves!
I can't give you any new good advice or kind words.... they have all been given to you in the replies previous to mine.
I can only give you my well wishes and say keep coming back. We are always here! Personally, I don't want you commiting slow suicide! I hope these replies and the links I'm posting below can help you break the cycle. And it DOES come down to the decision to live or die!
Here are some links to treatments other than AA (though AA is working well for me)...
Here is the home page of SMART Recovery:
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
Here is a link to a web site put together by a dedicated SMART volunteer:
http://www.skysite.org/primer/
And here is Rational Recovery (I think that's where AVRT is from...)
http://www.rationalrecovery.com/
Rational Revovery is very antagonistic to AA for some reason.
You might want to go check out the post titled "what is AVRT and SMART? n/t ".... its on the third page back in this forum. AVRT and SMART are explored quite well in that thread.
Take special care of yourselves!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Music
[B]When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
Ditto for me Music, ditto for me...
[B]When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
Ditto for me Music, ditto for me...
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Chy
[B] Well, if you don't plan for what you're going to do when that first drink opportunity presents itself, you're likely to take it in hand and drink it. And unless you're in rehab, or go to meetings 24 hours a day, that opportunity is going to present itself. Probably several times a day.
So if you can start to answer the question "what do you like about alcohol?" or "what does it do for you?" you can begin to find ways to fight the urge. You can divert yourself, or you can dispute the beliefs you have about what you think alcohol is going to do for you.
Recognizing why I liked alcohol was an important first step for me. Then I could assess the costs (many) vs. the benefits (very few), and try to figure out how I might achieve those benefits some other way. I want to relax the "worrying" part of my brain? Try exercising. I'm used to the quick decompression as soon as I get home? Try going out into the garden.
So I guess the question you'd want to answer would be "why is it always time to drink?"
Don S
[B]
Originally posted by Music
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
Ditto for me Music, ditto for me...
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
Ditto for me Music, ditto for me...
So if you can start to answer the question "what do you like about alcohol?" or "what does it do for you?" you can begin to find ways to fight the urge. You can divert yourself, or you can dispute the beliefs you have about what you think alcohol is going to do for you.
Recognizing why I liked alcohol was an important first step for me. Then I could assess the costs (many) vs. the benefits (very few), and try to figure out how I might achieve those benefits some other way. I want to relax the "worrying" part of my brain? Try exercising. I'm used to the quick decompression as soon as I get home? Try going out into the garden.
So I guess the question you'd want to answer would be "why is it always time to drink?"
Don S
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Posts: n/a
Originally Posted by Music
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
When I came to AA, if someone had asked me, "What makes you take that first drink?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Why? 'Cause it was always time to drink!
Your profile says you've been sober for 26 years?
My guess is that you figured it out
Congratulations,
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Thanks for the hugs MG.
Don, you said in your post:
So I guess the question you'd want to answer would be "why is it always time to drink?"
Don S
I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out "why" to many things. I don't think it's particularly important to know "why." I could start by asking "why" I took that first drink, or "why" on my first drunk I drank alcoholicly. So, suppose I find out why? What do I do about it? I still don't know "why" I did a lot of things. The questions I asked myself didn't begin with the word "why," they began with the words "what," "who," "where," "when," and probably the most important question started with the word "do." "Do I want to continue living the way I am living?" That's a question I could answer! My first sponsor, Jerry, told me that analyzing paralizes. Ask questions that I can answer. Don't waste time figuring out why; the answer may keep coming up...'"because," or "I don't know!" When I came to AA I thought the problem was alcohol. Later on I found out the problem was ME!!
I haven't had to be concerned with taking a drink since about, ohhhhh maybe August or September of 1977 when I found myself in a situation where I had to either crap or get off the pot. I hadn't had a drink in about six months and the threat was there. I prayed to my HP and I guess I must have been serious about it because I've never had to make that decision again since. The thought or desire to drink has never returned. So.....that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Thanks for your input Don.
Don, you said in your post:
So I guess the question you'd want to answer would be "why is it always time to drink?"
Don S
I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out "why" to many things. I don't think it's particularly important to know "why." I could start by asking "why" I took that first drink, or "why" on my first drunk I drank alcoholicly. So, suppose I find out why? What do I do about it? I still don't know "why" I did a lot of things. The questions I asked myself didn't begin with the word "why," they began with the words "what," "who," "where," "when," and probably the most important question started with the word "do." "Do I want to continue living the way I am living?" That's a question I could answer! My first sponsor, Jerry, told me that analyzing paralizes. Ask questions that I can answer. Don't waste time figuring out why; the answer may keep coming up...'"because," or "I don't know!" When I came to AA I thought the problem was alcohol. Later on I found out the problem was ME!!
I haven't had to be concerned with taking a drink since about, ohhhhh maybe August or September of 1977 when I found myself in a situation where I had to either crap or get off the pot. I hadn't had a drink in about six months and the threat was there. I prayed to my HP and I guess I must have been serious about it because I've never had to make that decision again since. The thought or desire to drink has never returned. So.....that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Thanks for your input Don.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Wow Music 26 years sober.
Hmmmm.....seems there is something to this AA stuff after all.
I always enjoy when you share Music.You try to keep the focus on your own recovery and that is something I need to remember too.
Peter.
Hmmmm.....seems there is something to this AA stuff after all
.I always enjoy when you share Music.You try to keep the focus on your own recovery and that is something I need to remember too.
Peter.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Midland, Texas
Posts: 5
tryin' is diein'
It is not very complicated. Stop trying. Don't drink. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Read the BB. Work the steps.
You want a drink? go to a meeting. Thirsty? Pick up the phone. I don't care what time it is and neither will your sponsor.
Find and cling to AA members that have alot of sobriety. Stay up all night, drink coffee, smoke cigaretts and talk AA. No one ever died from lack of sleep.
Wash your hair, give your dog a bath, rob a bank, shave your head, but do not take that first drink!
I'm not saying its easy. Its not. but its not complicated. and you are not alone.
You want a drink? go to a meeting. Thirsty? Pick up the phone. I don't care what time it is and neither will your sponsor.
Find and cling to AA members that have alot of sobriety. Stay up all night, drink coffee, smoke cigaretts and talk AA. No one ever died from lack of sleep.
Wash your hair, give your dog a bath, rob a bank, shave your head, but do not take that first drink!
I'm not saying its easy. Its not. but its not complicated. and you are not alone.
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