Emimily

so. that's it, really. i won't drink, it's not really an option, but man alive do i want to. i can taste it, i can feel the loopiness... it's all i want in the entire world.

f**king alcoholism. i hate this sh*t.

paulmh

So today will be one of those "one minute at a time" days then huh?

Emimily

yeah. oh man. i'm sitting here shaking my head, like you can see me somehow. haha.

paulmh

Then that's just the kinda day it's gonna be. You done all your HALT stuff? Eat something. Hard to crave on a full stomach. Then hit something. Then hug something. Then sleep on.... you get the point.

Rowan

Hang in there, Em. I know those days too well.
Keep posting, sharing, and get busy if you can.

Emimily

i ate. can't sleep until work's done. definitely busy. very angry. not lonely.

sad.

CarolD

I would guess this is a backlash from your Dad's
illness and death. Greif is a painful experience.
You want to escape with a bottle.
I did too when my parents and brother died.

Prayer helped me immensley ...as did Psalmns 23.

Blessings

paulmh

Sorry Em, got called away to kids.

Sorry too to hear about your dad. It's hard when they go. Hard, but we can accept it, with time. And in the meantime, we can accept that, today, it's just hard.

Thinking of you.

Tazman53

Em try and deal with the anger, that is part of HALT, get it out to some one. Been there and done what you are going through now, get to a meeting, call another alkie in the program, pray, ask simply to be able to get through the next 5 minutes if need be.

Keep in mind that this to shall pass, and drinking is not going to make it pass any quicker or easier.

Kellye C

Perhaps try writing on paper what you are feeling and why. Purge yourself of the anger, get it out. It loses power when we let it out. Then burn it. In the meantime it will keep you busy and focused on something other than drinking.

Hope this helps! Big hugs to you. It's not easy but it is possible!
Kellye

Emimily

yeah, you know, it sucks. we all knew it would suck, we all knew it'd be the hardest thing ever. no one told all my responsibilities it was going to be this hard.

whatevs. i don't want this anymore.

leeside

Perhaps some aversion therapy could help.

Rowan

Hey Em,

Don't throw away your sobriety because of how you are feeling today. It's okay to feel sad - just don't drink over it. Treat yourself well. Get some rest, and be good to yourself.
I like to PM you when I see new folks who are young because I see you as someone positive, who has a great message to share with the newcomer. Your perception may be a bit skewed today, my dear,that's all.
DO NOT DRINK.

Emimily

what, like every time i want to drink i punch myself or something? i'd be hospitalized by the end of the day. err... maybe that's not what you meant?

oh well. it will pass. or something.

Rowan

Em, you know what to do. Slow down.

kelsh

Hi Emily,

I lost my parents four years apart and I felt so alone in the beginning. Most of my adult life, I lived far away so only saw them once or twice a year but we would talk on the phone every week. I miss the phone calls still and also looking for Mother & Father's Day Cards! My parents were 80 and 86 and in ill health when they died so it was a blessing for them to be at peace finally.

kelsh

Emimily

slow down? ok. big guy in the sky knows what's up. other cats in aa know what's up. even pops b. knows what's up, and here i am with my stupid sweater stuck at work, not knowing what's up.

relax in uncertainty? i live for that. i'm a warrior.

Sugah

Emimily, I called a wonderful woman crying to her that I shouldn't be crying, that I have the tools to deal with the grief, so why in hell do I feel like this? I know I'm powerless. I know I can't change anything that's happened. But I can't get it out of my head!!

I'll paraphrase what she asked me: "What did you do with these emotions before? You drowned them, right? And what happened to them when you sobered up? They were still there, right? It's a journey, and not without a few ruts in the road. Keep walking, putting one foot in front of the other (see why that's my mantra?), and before you know it, you'll be through it. But ya gotta feel what's here -- either now or later. You choose."

It will hurt for awhile, but ain't no pill, no bottle that's going to make it go away. Feel it now, or feel it later...and chances are later it'll be mixed up with all sorts of other things you won't have to deal with if you do it now.

One foot in front of the other, Em....

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Emimily

yep. one foot in front of the other. that's all i can do, right?

i'm super negative right now. i'm taking me and my bad energy outta here.

Debaucher

ok... I am hesitant to say this but I think it might help you...

Think about this for a second... don't you think something would be wrong with you if you didn't have those thoughts?

plus give yourself a pat on the back for not acting on them...

I have this little voice that pops up on me that says... "You were not a REAL alcoholic... you can drink again... one beer won't hurt anything"... it comes and goes... sometimes... I pause... and think yeah... a beer would be nice... but then fortuantely... everytime I have come back to earth and realized... I don't want just one... Oh well... and then I pat myself on the back... and move on

Don't feel guilty about your thoughts... and feelings... they happen... feel good about how you deal with them...