Waving the white flag...again.
dum vita est spes est
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: vita secundum nex
Posts: 287
Waving the white flag...again.
I haven't been here in awhile, mostly because I've been out there and back again and again.
I can see it progressing just as the Big Book says, just as all of you have said, and I just didn't want to believe it.
So, I guess I've been lying to all of you and sadly enough myself when I said I thought I was an alcoholic...because until now I never wanted to believe it. I was so delusional that I could "control" my drinking that I convinced myself I needed to get incredibly intoxicated all the time to better understand "that" true alcoholic and to better help a "fellow" alcoholic. Who does that crazy stuff? I'll tell you who does - a true alcoholic like myself does just that.
I'm going through mixed emotions now - depression because I'll never be able to drink again, regrets from sleepwalking through life that last 2-3 years from drinking, confusion because both points I just mentioned contradict themselves, anger because I have this burden, humiliation because I was the last one to see it, and the list goes on and on and on...
Over the course of a Saturday I finished an entire liter of vodka. That was my wake up call, I used to make the excuse that I only drank beer and alcoholics don't drink beer, they drink hard liquor. Again, what a fool I've been. Alcohol tricked me, and then I found a way to trick myself.
I am grateful to still have my new job, I did lose yet another gf in the process and am dating a new girl that doesn't know of my condition yet.
Anyway, when I first joined this community I didn't take recovery seriously or at least not all the time. I was trying to give advice, ask questions, and the like when I should have just been keeping my damn yapper shut and learning a thing or two. So that's what I'm trying this time.
I'm on day two of what is hopefully a life long journey of happy, healthy, and sober living. I've got so much work to do and I'm still afraid of how to cope with life without alcohol to lean on when I want it, I've forgotten how life should be lived and how to live.
So with that, I'm waving the white flag - alcohol kicked my ass, and it didn't just leave a bruise, it brought me to my knees.
I'm an alcoholic.
PR
I can see it progressing just as the Big Book says, just as all of you have said, and I just didn't want to believe it.
So, I guess I've been lying to all of you and sadly enough myself when I said I thought I was an alcoholic...because until now I never wanted to believe it. I was so delusional that I could "control" my drinking that I convinced myself I needed to get incredibly intoxicated all the time to better understand "that" true alcoholic and to better help a "fellow" alcoholic. Who does that crazy stuff? I'll tell you who does - a true alcoholic like myself does just that.
I'm going through mixed emotions now - depression because I'll never be able to drink again, regrets from sleepwalking through life that last 2-3 years from drinking, confusion because both points I just mentioned contradict themselves, anger because I have this burden, humiliation because I was the last one to see it, and the list goes on and on and on...
Over the course of a Saturday I finished an entire liter of vodka. That was my wake up call, I used to make the excuse that I only drank beer and alcoholics don't drink beer, they drink hard liquor. Again, what a fool I've been. Alcohol tricked me, and then I found a way to trick myself.
I am grateful to still have my new job, I did lose yet another gf in the process and am dating a new girl that doesn't know of my condition yet.
Anyway, when I first joined this community I didn't take recovery seriously or at least not all the time. I was trying to give advice, ask questions, and the like when I should have just been keeping my damn yapper shut and learning a thing or two. So that's what I'm trying this time.
I'm on day two of what is hopefully a life long journey of happy, healthy, and sober living. I've got so much work to do and I'm still afraid of how to cope with life without alcohol to lean on when I want it, I've forgotten how life should be lived and how to live.
So with that, I'm waving the white flag - alcohol kicked my ass, and it didn't just leave a bruise, it brought me to my knees.
I'm an alcoholic.
PR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Sorry to hear that's what it took. BUT, I was the same way. I just HAD to try it my way, cuz, well, don't you know...... I'm DIFFERENT !!!!! 
The good news is that maybe you're a little more willing now, and more open to some suggestions ?
P.S. Welcome back ! I remember your user name.
The good news is that maybe you're a little more willing now, and more open to some suggestions ?
P.S. Welcome back ! I remember your user name.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Me too. Great to hear you're surrendering! That's step 1! My advice would be look up an AA meeting and go! Listen for similiarities not differences and use the program and the tool to maintain a new and very wonderful sober life! 
Much love
Cathy31
x
Much love
Cathy31
x
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome back. Takes a lot of courage to say what you just said.
PR I remember you, I am glad you are back and I want to thank you for sharing your relapse, your honesty has helped me and others stay sober today.
You have a very good chance at staying sober this time as long as you can maintain the honesty you showed with your post.
It takes guts to be brutally honest, you have done it and gained the respect of others and more importantly by being honest you have gained respect for your self!
PR I do not recall how long you were sober before you relapsed, but that sober time is not lost, draw upon what you were doing right during that time, and what you did wrong that led to the relapse.
Being brutally honest with your self and others will help keep you sober, you will always be able to look people in the eye and when you say my sobriety date is Oct. 7, 2007 you will feel good about your self because you will be sharing the actual date of your last drink and not some arbitrary date that you pulled out of the air.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Alyce why suffer alone, pick up the phone book and give your local AA a call and let them know what is up, they should be able to hook you up with someone to help you through the day.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
Alyce why suffer alone, pick up the phone book and give your local AA a call and let them know what is up, they should be able to hook you up with someone to help you through the day.
The love of one alcoholic for another is unparallelled...this support and love you can find in AA as well as on this forum. Face to face is very powerful.
Good luck!
Cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: rwc, ca
Posts: 21
Last year I was sober from Jan to July. Then fell off the wagon and the football season made it worse.
Just learn from the mistakes and start over. This year, I am still attending games but have learned how to cope with the atmosphire.
Just learn from the mistakes and start over. This year, I am still attending games but have learned how to cope with the atmosphire.
dum vita est spes est
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: vita secundum nex
Posts: 287
I suspect this thread wouldn't be complete without me admitting that I've been drinking tonight. I feel great - I feel like I'm home, yet I have this pit of despair knowing that it's a temporary place of finite bliss.
Thank you for welcoming me back!!! I'm wise and old enough to know that I'll most certainly regret this post tomorrow but I want you all to know that I want to quit this f-ing ******* of a drug.
I've lost what I once had and miss it dearly...so damn dearly...what I was...what I could have been...I've substituted the feeling alcohol brings over the feeling triumph, victory, and altruism had in store.
I often wonder if the power alcohol "gives" us, is as if God has granted us his "feeling" of power and also let the devil rule and rot our minds. Therefore, we have think we have the power yet we lack simple judgement.
Please put up with me for now, I'm intoxicated and trying to get help but right now I couldn't be more happy, and that's sad.
I love all of you for even stopping by, each and every one of you - from the recovering alcoholic to the blabbering drunk like me.
I will make an effort to shut the f up in the future and try to learn.
I had to alleviate the pain I know with meet me in the morning.
PR
Thank you for welcoming me back!!! I'm wise and old enough to know that I'll most certainly regret this post tomorrow but I want you all to know that I want to quit this f-ing ******* of a drug.
I've lost what I once had and miss it dearly...so damn dearly...what I was...what I could have been...I've substituted the feeling alcohol brings over the feeling triumph, victory, and altruism had in store.
I often wonder if the power alcohol "gives" us, is as if God has granted us his "feeling" of power and also let the devil rule and rot our minds. Therefore, we have think we have the power yet we lack simple judgement.
Please put up with me for now, I'm intoxicated and trying to get help but right now I couldn't be more happy, and that's sad.
I love all of you for even stopping by, each and every one of you - from the recovering alcoholic to the blabbering drunk like me.
I will make an effort to shut the f up in the future and try to learn.
I had to alleviate the pain I know with meet me in the morning.
PR
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