queenteree

Last night I was talking with AH as I am ready for a separation and he does not want that. He said he will go to meetings every night if he has to to stop drinking (after rehab he was only going 2 or 3 times a week). He also said he will go to step meetings (he was basically going to speaker meetings). Anyway, I told him that when he stopped last time for 14 years, he made himself a promise and me a guarantee that the would never drink again, that no alcohol would ever pass his lips. He said yes, he did make that promise and guarantee and yet he did relapse. He said he does not want to drink ever again, but he won't make himself that promise or me that guarantee cause you never know what can happen in the future, all he can promise or guarantee is he would try his very best to do what he has to do to be sober forever. I say if you make yourself a promise and your wife a guarantee, you'll be able to think before you drink more than if you just say you'll try your very best. What's your opinions?

CarolD

If I do drink again ...it's between me and God.

Perhaps you are letting semantics
keep you from hearing the spirit of the conversations.
Just a thought...

parentrecovers

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

hugs, k

bugsworth

What a powerful post!
Speaking for only myself, I do sincerely never want to drink again. I put my husband thru hell. He was scared all the time, I never want to inflict that on him again. I am weepy even thinking about it kwim?

My husband knew me before I was a drinker...met me when I was 17

He watched me feed it, tried to help me and stuck by me thru it all. For that I owe him the truth. I would call him first, before anyone, if I wanted a drink. That is the promise I have made him...come hell or high water I will honor that promise.

Thank you for reminding me once again of my many blessings...hope this helped you too.

Tazman53

No I can not garauntee I will never drink again, I can only say I will not drink today. If I can continue to maintain my spiritual condition in the future the way it is today then I would say yes I can. But do I know that I can? No.

There have been people who after 20 years sober have drank again, some of them never made it back into the rooms, they drank thier selfs to death!

queenteree there is not a single alcoholic who can say they will never drink again and know they will never drink again unless they are on their death bed and die 10 minutes after they say it.

wpgwoman

Hey queenteree,

Would it make a difference to you at this point in your relationship if there was a guarantee? Would you stop the separation and the sale of your home? Is there still a part of you hoping for a miracle to save this marriage? Are you looking for some kind of validation so you can keep hanging on?

Only asking, because those are the same questions I keep asking myself.

miss communicat

My opinion: you are dealing with an active alcoholic. We cannot keep our promises to ourselves, let alone another person, when we are drinking.

You have evidence of the way this disease behaves and of how it hurts you. Your husband still minimizes the fact that he wants to drink by calling it "relapsing" when you know its an ongoing thing (from your other posts), in an attempt to elicit your sympathy. Your post was still all about what he said, what he does, what he will do in the future. May I gently point this out to you? It is far more healthy for you to make decisions for yourself now.

IF hubby gets sobriety, IF he keeps that sobriety, it will take plenty of time. It must be for himself. During this time you need to live a good life not one that is constantly diminished by worrying about his drinking or what type of program he is working. Even IF he gets and keeps good sober time it will require him to focus his energy on HIMSELF, which will affect your feelings. Sobriety and AA will always be his priority. How do you feel about that?

Some have suggested AlAnon, and I understand you are going there so I would suggest that you run this by your AlAnon sponsor.

I wish you luck and strength!

Jfanagle

I assume that if you were married in a conventional sense that you took vows that said "for better or for worse...til death do you part."

Was that a guarantee, vow, promise, that you made before God and those present that you would not forsake the marriage? Did you intend to divorce after making that vow? We all INTEND to honor vows of this serious nature. Sometimes we lose our way, and while that doesn’t excuse it, I believe in makes absolute guarantees impossible, no matter how much we want them to be valid.

Please understand that I am only making a point that none of us knows the future with certainty, and to wish for an ironclad guarantee is nice, but all we really can do is our best.

The adage ONE DAY AT A TIME is more than just a catchy phrase, it comes from experience that tells us we only have today and yes if we are serious about our sobriety then we need to stay sober today. The DESIRE to not drink, if acted on one day at a time will get you a sober life complete with a sober future.

Best of luck and I hope you understand you certainly have to do what is best for you and the example of the wedding vows is only to illustrate that none of us can know the future for certain.

Jon
Divorced

queenteree

Thank you all for your replies. It helps my understanding of the alcoholic, since I cannot possibly understand it the way you all do.
Carol ID: I don't understand what you mean by the spirit of the conversation. I don't know what he means.
parent - I know, I keep saying the serenity prayer!
bugsworth - I wish he would call me before taking that drink, or at least call someone!
Tazman - as usual, very insightful
wpg - yes, it would make a difference to me if he was indeed serious about his recovery, I would put the effort into the marriage since I truly love him and leaving him is the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But if he's only buying time in between benders, then I just really hate a con game and can't do this the rest of my life.
Miss C - I don't have a sponor yet in Alanon, and I just wanted to know what the A's think cause maybe I'm missing something.
Jfanagle - I always got confused w/the one day at a time cause it always made me think that it's ok if you slip and drink today as long as you don't tomorrow, etc.

RufusACanal

May I ask you this, what do you want? What if you could believe it would be OK again or even better? Reassurance is wonderful, though nothing is certain in life except living until death. If you are finished, then all the opinions in the world from other drunks will do nothing. If you are not finished, then go to meetings and maybe start talking about you rather than him. Frankly, I am sick of hearing about your AH as you build the case for separation or divorce. I speak only for me, but aren't you important? I would like to hear, as suggested before, what your Al Anon folks are saying to you, what direction are they leading and are you taking their advise. Coming here daily and regurgitating your Husband's latest comments and your rebuttals serves no purpose. Is it not time to make a decision and move forward? Either go or stay. Whatever you decide on, do something that will provide you with an opportunity to live. Do you have something greater than you to rely on? I look forward to hearing from you and wish you the best.

Ron

RufusACanal

By the way, forgive me for not answering you question Queenteree. Yes, I believe I will never drink again. Heresy to many today. I believe that the "solution" is a permanent change, therefore I am recovered. When the first drink disappeared as a possible solution and God took over, I became free.

queenteree

RufusaCanal - I go to about 5 Alanon meetings a week, I have volunteered to bring snacks and since there were no volunteers at my Fri meeting, I volunteered to co-chair. I read and meditate daily and am very serious about my program. Thing is, at Alanon, the focus is off the alcoholic and is on us and how we can better our lives. No one advises us of anything, it's all up to the person. As I said before, leaving him would be the hardest thing I have to do, but if there is absolutely no hope, I know I would have to do it. I was just asking these questions to the alcoholics out there who know where the alcoholic, be it recovering or active, mind is coming from, just to get input. I know I should put myself first, but I need to make an informed decision, not just kneejerk. Sorry to have bothered you.

dave47

Queenteree,you don't need to apologise to anyone especially as it's an interesting question.Myself, i wouldn't make that promise because i wouldn't know if i could fulfill it,Best wishes.

bugsworth

Queenteree, I just want to say thank you for this post. There were time when I knew that my husband would be better off without me. I had made my problem his. My husband told me he knew how much pain I was in and was able to forgive me because he knew my soul was crushed. Having him still believe in me is a miracle. You know your husband, you know his heart, trust your gut. Best of luck

GlassPrisoner

QT, you said you don't have a sponsor. I would assume then you're not doing any step work ?

It was said to me when I came into AA. "Put your recovery first, everything else will fall into line ". I did, and it did.

Work on the solution, don't dwell on the problem. When you have recovered sufficiently, all the questions and decisions you have or need to make will be obvious.

miss communicat

Allow me to speak from my AlAnon side of the mouth for a sec (lol!)
Possible Reframe: "Staying like this may be the hardest thing I choose to do".

I understand about vows "for better or worse" in marriage.

Is your husband honoring you, cherishing you and forsaking all others for you? How does that show up for you?

Is he choosing to continue drinking at the expense of your happy and harmonious marriage? How does that show up for you?

And equally important, are YOU honoring yourself, cherishing yourself and forsaking all others to be all you can be?

I believe that marriage involves 2 people who are complete on his or her own, yet are committed to and ever willing to help each other. Is this marriage helpful to you and your husband? Are you better because of staying in it? No need to answer me, these are the inner questions I was brought by my AlAnon sponsor a hundred years ago.

queenteree

Good questions Miss C - thing is my husband actually treats me very well 99% of the time, even when drinking. When he's drunk, 99% of the time he wants to sit with me, talk w/me, hug me, kinda like a lonely soul. He doesn't drink at bars at all, he drinks at home or on his way home. I don't think he cheats or has cheated at all. And to tell you the truth, I think this time he seems more disappointed in himself than I was. I know I have problems - I grew up in an alcoholic home with more than my fair share of them, trust me, both parents, aunts, uncles, everything was one big party and one big drunkfest. I was mortified and embarrased when friends came over and my father was drunk and then would drive that way while picking us up from the movies. My mother used to sit and watch TV while my sister and I had to keep my father company when he was drunk and he would never go to bed!!!. Kids used to see my drunk grandfather passed out on the ground outside of the bar. My husband isn't like that at all, just an alcoholic who at times is undependable and like a child (won't leave me alone). I think I'm going to go to a couple of ACOA meetings too, Alanon brought all this other stuff out in me, so now I'm beginning to realize my problem.

SaTiT

Nope

if you don't drink again, it's between you and you.

mike_mass

It's a day at a time.

queenteree

Glassprisoner - actually we have step meetings at Alanon, and I'm the one who brought up the question of how to get a sponsor during open share. They said to pick one that you can relate to and ask them to be your sponsor. Another suggested that the oldtimers should offer temporary sponsorship to the newcomers, but no one did. I haven't heard any stories or really gotten that close to anyone there that I can relate to to be my sponsor. Trust me, I want to have one. I want to work this program the right way.