Steve58

Forgive me, folks, but...

For some stupid reason, this question reminds me of the old exchange between strangers: Q "Will you respect me in the morning" A "What makes you think I respect you now"

Although I'm no one to talk here, it seems a lot of peeps, even ones with years & years behind them, admit thay they are not far removed from their next drink/drunk.

I guess remembering this works for them, but it scares me that you are on that cliff the rest of your life, always so close to falling ever harder.

Just some random thoughs here, not meant to offend anyone.
s

bugsworth

Hey Steve!!! I'm with you on this.

I was so scared when I was drinking...unimaginable what I was doing to myself.

Now I'm free. With this freedom I can do anything.

Drinking is just not an option for me. Cut and dry.

I don't ever mourn its loss, good riddance.

Thanks for your thoughts...diversity is a good thing!

BP44

I have a disease of perceptions. I do not feel like I'm standing precariously on the cliff's edge. For the most part, I am comfortable in sobriety. I have a set of habits and a toolbox full of tools that help me daily live life without alcohol. Now, the reality is that I am a drink away from a drunk. And that is as dead honest as it gets. And I can only stay sober for today. I can't bank days of sobriety and cash them in for sobriety tomorrow. Yesterday's work in recovery won't keep me sober today. it will give me the opportunity to stay sober today, but it won't keep me sober. I have to do today's sober work today. There was a day when it was one minute at a time, or an hour at a time. Days when I couldn't leave the house in fear of knowing I would buy alcohol. Thank God, those days are in the past. But I can get them back believe me. And rather quickly. All it takes is one drink. Oh, and a guanranty? If you want a good understanding of guarantees, go watch "Tommy Boy". Chris Farley explains gaurantees quite well. At least more entertaining than any gauranty you'll get out of an alcoholic of my description. But if it helps, I'll get someone to stamp on my forehead " SOBER TODAY ". Guess what, it's as good as it gets, cause I haven't been sober on THIS day yet. Time for morning prayers and meditations. Have a blessed day.

bugsworth

BP44, I can identify with the early days of sobriety when leaving the house was scary...sooooo many options and places where alcohol dwells!

I am not sure I understand the disease of perceptions part...

Have a great day also!

BP44

Alcoholism resides in my mind. And most of how I deal with life most often depends on how I perceive things. One of the earlier posters wrote that he perceived folks that had a clear understanding that they were one drink away from a drunk as being on the cliff's edge. Well, if I perceive sobriety that way, I will walk around with immense fear, and I have done that in the past. When I worked the first step with my sponsor I had a crystal clear understanding of several things. I have lost the power to control my drinking, I have lost the power of choice to drink, and above all else, I will NEVER drink like a normal person. Couple that with a massive unmanageability list and I was left completely and hopelessly defeated. This became the cornerstone on which step work would follow. I had two choices at this point to continue the path towards an alcoholic death, or to follow a spiritual path of recovery. There was no other option. I had already tried to find a third option....none of them worked. They kept leading to option one. So, to recover, I have to learn how to live life on life's terms without alcohol. The 12 steps gives me the tools I need to do just that. And what do you know, as I put those to work, I am no longer on the cliff's edge hanging by a thread. I am no longer in immense fear. The thing is I can only work with these tools for 24 hours at a time. As soon as I put the tools away for any length of time, I'm getting closer to option one again. I have an alcoholic mind, and my first thought to any given situation is always alcoholic based on how I perceive things. And that's why there isn't a chapter in the Big Book titled "Into Thinking" or "Into Feelings".

bugsworth

I do agree with you perception is a huge part of recovery for me.

I too like you can not live in constant fear, I lived that while drinking, I refuse to live that way sober.

I too have lost the power to control my drinking, years of abuse will do that. I ignored every warning sign my poor body was giving me!

You and I differ a little in regards to losing the power of choice. I do have that power...I can choose to drink...or I can choose not to. Now when physically addicted to any substance that line becomes fuzzy, but IMO once physical dependance is gone the ball is once again in my court. I choose not to drink.

I identify with feeling hopeless and defeated...horrible place to live. I don't live there anymore.

Freedom comes when you learn to let go...

Kellye C

I have been sober a little over 3 years and just last month married a man who will soon be sober 3 years. Never once have we "guaranteed" the other that we won't ever drink again. We both work recovery programs, pray, make meetings and do not want to drink today. That is enough for today.

I know when I first got sober the idea of NEVER drinking again was very daunting to me. I couldn't see 24 hours sober much less FOREVER. I had to do one day at a time, one minute a time sometimes just to get through. As much as my kids and family would like to hear me say I'd never drink again, they had heard that crap before. I had made so many promises and broke them I can't even count. All I could promise was to do what it took to not drink today.

I actually cringe in meetings when I hear people say they are done and they will NEVER drink again. Many times they end up right back out there. That's not a given but I've seen it happen so many times that I hate to hear people say it.

I'd say your husband is answering you as honestly as he can. Now, I have to wonder as to the motivations since you two are having problems related to his drinking. If it were me I would focus on current actions rather than trying to get a promise about the future. I would watch carefully what he is doing to stay sober today and let those one day at a times add up. Time will tell if he is serious or not. In the meantime you really need to focus on you. If you were not able to get a sponsor in the open meetings, how about approaching someone directly. Preferably someone who has recovery that you admire. You cannot control his drinking. You can work on you. In the meantime if you are working on you and he is working on him you can both benefit. If you are working on you and he refuses to work on him you still benefit and can be in a better position to know what you want to do. Either way if you focus on you then you win.

I'm not trying to sound heartless but I have lived as an al-anon and beat my head against the wall trying to control their drinking and then I lived as the alcoholic watching my loved ones beat their head against the wall trying to control my drinking. Neither side is a good side to be on. You can't change him so why not focus on you.

Big hugs,
Kellye

fraankie

lots of good posts
just a classic
we are all as far away from our next drink as the lenght of our arm
as far as drinking after 14 years
something i tell everyone who comes back
"relapse is part of recovery"
the guy didn't "had" 14 years
he's still got those 14 years
he can easily pick up where he left off
knowing now that "that one drink" got him in a mess of trouble
recognizing now that it ain't worth it
and
also, carrying the message to us
it can happen

something i don't dig
who really started the time thing?
i'm sure bill w. celebrated his anniversary
but
in the scheme of things
14 years sober
5 years drinking relapse
let's pray, another 14 years sober
god willing, if he does well, or whomever
after he regains a glimpse of sobriety
does the 5 years drinking mean anything
other than he had to do another day count, another 1st anniversary, etc



best
fraankie

janimarie

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say be able to say I have 'recovered' from alcoholism! Then maybe I could make guarantees. But unfortunately, the disease I have has no 'cure'. I am a 'recovering' alcoholic and have been for 16 years. And with the grace of my God I may be in recovery tomorrow. All I have is a daily reprieve...
My husband has made a decision to stay by my side. He knows that with my alcoholism there are no guarantees. Would he stay by me if I went back out again? I do not know. He stuck by me while I was drinking, He was there when I hit my bottom and was there when I got sober. Then I up and left him because I felt my sobriety was threatened. (I had 6 mos sobriety..he was still drinking on occasion though not alcoholic). We didn't talk for a year and I focused on myself and my program. We got back together after I had 18 mos sobriety. The fact is your husband has to want it for himself. You have to decide what you want. I know that I thank my HP every day that my husband understood and we were able to work through it. He gave me the space I needed to focus on me. He went through he!! because of my actions, but we truly love each other. I pray that you two can work things out, but you need to watch out for yourself first so you can be good for him if that is what you choose

nandm

Interesting interpretation of the responses. After going back through them, after reading your post, I realize that it might appear to be standing on a cliff.

Personally though I do not see it that way. For me it is no different than being aware when I get into my car and drive I can have an accident at any time. It makes me more aware that I need to be cautious and watch for obstacles that could cause me to wreck. Same thing with my recovery. I am aware I at any time could go back to drinking. Therefore I watch for obstacles to my recovery and avoid them.

I do not walk around feeling as though I am on the edge of a cliff. I am actually happier and more content than I have ever been in my life. I also appreciate the life I have more than ever, because I realize that it can be gone in a moments notice. I do not dwell on the fact that I am an alcoholic but I do remain aware that I am an alcoholic. Not much different than my being an ex smoker. I am aware of what my trigger points are and attempt to remain prepared to head off those things.

Recovery for me is a continuous process of learning to enjoy and live in the real world without resorting to using alcohol and/or drugs to run away from it.

Steve58

Thanks, nandm!

Very well put, thats one of the reasons I come here, for explainations of things I am struggleing with.

Still sorting things out!
S

GrouchoTheCat

if I had a dollar for every time I said to myself or someone that "I'll never drink again" (usually preceded by "God, if you just get me out of this one")..........

I don't say that anymore.

I can do something for 16 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

So,I try to live through this day only.

queenteree

Well I guess he couldn't guarantee cause he was drinking all weekend! Friday was my birthday and I had to chair my Alanon meeting, he picked up the grandkids (I had to babysit) from my friend's house reaking of beer, she didn't know what to do so rather than argue w/him, she let him take them. Saturday he drank all day from morning till night, each time he went out he said he was going to a meeting and coming back drunker and drunker till finally I told him to stop lying, which created a whole big scene where the almost broke our outside glass table then HE demanded me to call the police on him. Now he's all mad cause I did. I have decided to get a divorce, am hoping the lawyer is in today. This morning he says he can't believe how I could just "throw away" our marriage and since I am he's going to get drunker and drunker, quit his job and move away. He then said if I change my mind and decide to stay, when I come home tonite he "will let me know if he has decided to stop drinking!" Needless to say, I have been at work for an hour now, 2 hours earlier than I should be. And I am hopefully leaving early to get this over with.

dave47

Sorry you are having all this grief Queenteree,especially as you do so much.
I think he needs reminding just who is throwing away your marriage,it's so easy to blame others.He's been there before and i hope he gets there again,but your story is a warning for us all.

Steve58

Hi Queen,

Sorry things have progressed so far for you, as I'm sure others have told you, change must come from him, no amount of external presure will bring about permanent change until he is ready.

I pray you two can work it out somehow, from what you said, I think he knows he has a real problem, and is not happy with himself, but he is finding escape difficult.

Best,
S

miss communicat

Big of him to let you know IF he has decided to stop drinking. I think YOU can tell without his public service announcement.

Looks like a solid pattern of progression. I am sorry you are dealing with this difficulty and triust that things will improve with continued recovery from it.

queenteree

Miss C - thanks, that was a good one (his public service announcement!). Yes, it is big progression - he just called me now and told me to lower my 401K to pay the bills and told me to let him know later if I'm seeing a lawyer or not. I told him I am so I'm letting him know now, and that I'm not interested in his decision, he's already made it. Then he calls back and says when I see the lawyer they can write in the separation agreement that he'll give me 1/2 his PI settlement so he can walk away knowing he never did anything wrong to me and never screwed me. Thank God it is a holiday and we are a skelton crew at work, I told the two girls that will answer the phone that if he calls, I left for the day. Now wish me luck at home tonite!

miss communicat

I wish you luck and strength all day and night!

Tazman53

Steve I stood on the edge of that cliff when making the decision to quit drinking, today I have no fear of drinking.................. today!

I no longer fear alcohol, as long as I maintain my spiritual condition I have a daily reprieve from alcohol. Today I have respect for what alcohol does to me once it enters my body, I maintain that respect by not shutting the door on my past, parts of my past need to stay green to allow me to maintain my respect for alcohol.

When my forgetter kicks into over drive, and where I came from is no longer green, then I am walking on thin ice and may lose respect for alcohol, at this point I could very well if triggers are hit, just might pick up a drink, because I may have slammed the door shut on my past and forget where I came from.

I have no fear of alcohol today, I have a very healthy respect for it, tomorrow......, it is not here, so how can I know.

queenteree you will be in my prayers as will your husband, you need to do what is right for you, you have fought the good fight, it is time to move on and simply pray that one day he will be able to overcome the beast, but there is no reason to allow it to devour you both, it is in his hands whether or not it devours him.

My heart goes out to you, and I owe you a thank you for sharing this with us, your sharing this time in your life has helped me and others here to stay sober today.

jjaaam

Queen,

Your first post pretty much explains the relationship that my wife and I have right now. I have told her repeatedly over the last three years that I would not drink again, and I figure that I have broken that promise at least four times.

She always asks: "Why can't you keep your promises? Don't you see how bad it hurts me? That alone should be enough to keep you from doing it if you really care about me."

It's just not that simple. It's not just black and white for those of us with issues. I have not had a drink for almost two months now. I would love to say that I won't do it again, but I would be lying to myself if I said that. I CAN'T say that. I still have little fights in my head sometimes about whether or not I will sneak by not taking my Antabuse for a few weeks and then sneaking in a few drinks when she goes out of town or something.

Trust is a big issue for her, and I understand that. Personally I don't think I could stick it out like she has. If the tables were turned and I could not trust her anymore then I don't think I could have a relationship. It just is a testament to her character and how much she cares about me I guess.