Exhausted
Silly Rabbit
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
Exhausted
even my bones hurt from being tired. i'm so tired, i can't think about how tired i am. i don't know how to explain everything that's been going on, or even whether it would help to try to explain it, or anything. that's the trap i fall in-is it going to make it better, or worse, to share about my problems?
in AA we're encouraged to share, to get it out so we can be of service. i'm working a really deep 11th step, a pretty good 10th, and an okay 12th. like everyone else in sobriety, life is a rollercoaster, the up and down of every day, every week, all of us go through it. there's a certain peace that comes with knowing that we're all screwed up, but the frustration that comes with never having the certainty of how we're going to feel is monumental sometimes.
pema chodron advocates embracing that unknown, staying flexible with life, being present with the unease of the in-between. everything's always changing, nothing is permanent, and we suffer because we crave permanence.
my dad is in liver failure. he might die. but, he might not. the doctors are going to biopsy his liver and see what, if anything, they can do. he might get better... none of us know. i'm not supposed to know what the great plan is, i just have to know that nothing's going to happen that's too big for me and the big guy to get through together. but man, it's so intimidating to think that i might not see my dad healthy again.
there are other things happening too, because life happens, and that's just the facts. that saying, "when it rains it pours?" yeah, that's true. it'll only pour until it stops, though.
i guess that's what i need to remember... i just talked to my sponsee, and told her a lot of the same stuff i've been telling myself. it's how the program works, i guess, we give to others what we have. when we're empty, we have others to fill us up. something like that, anyway.
ok, well. i'm gonna stay sober, just for today, and go to an 8 p.m. meeting, then snooze. who knows about tomorrow, but for today, i'm not going to drink.
thanks for letting me share.
in AA we're encouraged to share, to get it out so we can be of service. i'm working a really deep 11th step, a pretty good 10th, and an okay 12th. like everyone else in sobriety, life is a rollercoaster, the up and down of every day, every week, all of us go through it. there's a certain peace that comes with knowing that we're all screwed up, but the frustration that comes with never having the certainty of how we're going to feel is monumental sometimes.
pema chodron advocates embracing that unknown, staying flexible with life, being present with the unease of the in-between. everything's always changing, nothing is permanent, and we suffer because we crave permanence.
my dad is in liver failure. he might die. but, he might not. the doctors are going to biopsy his liver and see what, if anything, they can do. he might get better... none of us know. i'm not supposed to know what the great plan is, i just have to know that nothing's going to happen that's too big for me and the big guy to get through together. but man, it's so intimidating to think that i might not see my dad healthy again.
there are other things happening too, because life happens, and that's just the facts. that saying, "when it rains it pours?" yeah, that's true. it'll only pour until it stops, though.
i guess that's what i need to remember... i just talked to my sponsee, and told her a lot of the same stuff i've been telling myself. it's how the program works, i guess, we give to others what we have. when we're empty, we have others to fill us up. something like that, anyway.
ok, well. i'm gonna stay sober, just for today, and go to an 8 p.m. meeting, then snooze. who knows about tomorrow, but for today, i'm not going to drink.
thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
you are doing all the right things: embracing the unknown, putting one foot in front of the other, asking for help and remaining available to life and others.
all in all, it may be diificult, but you get stronger and calmer every day.
all in all, it may be diificult, but you get stronger and calmer every day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: green hills of Vermont, USA
Posts: 251
Yes, life is often not fun. Times like now, the saying "gratitude's the attitude" might help. Early in sobriety, I couldn't "do" gratitude but I listened to what people in the rooms told me to do, and learned to find some little thing for which I was grateful each day. Maybe I don't remember to do it every day now, but it has become a habit. When I got back safely from the long long drive to help Groucho the Cat in this last adventure, I got down on my knees and thanked my Higher Power for allowing me the safe and successful trip.
I have to take St. John's Wort to keep depression at bay; bad feelings remind me when I need it. So when I feel good about some little thing, I give thanks for it. When I've enjoyed a sunny afternoon and gotten chores accomplished, same thing - I practice gratitude.
So even when all is not to my liking, I am realizing that life is worth living. Especially in sobriety.
Prayers to you and your father from the Snowgoose.
I have to take St. John's Wort to keep depression at bay; bad feelings remind me when I need it. So when I feel good about some little thing, I give thanks for it. When I've enjoyed a sunny afternoon and gotten chores accomplished, same thing - I practice gratitude.
So even when all is not to my liking, I am realizing that life is worth living. Especially in sobriety.
Prayers to you and your father from the Snowgoose.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Emimily,
I'll NEVER get used to typing your name! My daughter has the same name, but of course without the funky spelling! It always makes me think of her, so thank you.
Prayers out to you, and to your father. You sound like a wonderful daughter.
Get some rest whenever you can, and take good care of yourself.
Row
I'll NEVER get used to typing your name! My daughter has the same name, but of course without the funky spelling! It always makes me think of her, so thank you.
Prayers out to you, and to your father. You sound like a wonderful daughter.
Get some rest whenever you can, and take good care of yourself.
Row
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 63
hi emimily,
i'm so sorry about your father and your own struggles. you're right, nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, luckily that also goes for the bad stuff too. i hope the doctors will have good news for him - and you. my thoughts are with you.
i'm so sorry about your father and your own struggles. you're right, nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, luckily that also goes for the bad stuff too. i hope the doctors will have good news for him - and you. my thoughts are with you.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
emimily thanks for sharing, sounds like you have your act together, you have your seat belt on for the roller coaster ride of life!!!
You & your dad will be in my prayers, his will be done.
You & your dad will be in my prayers, his will be done.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I just realized that both you, Em, and Karen have signatures based on the Desiderata. Cool.
I think I can understand your exhaustion, Em. I was in a similar position about fifteen months ago, and though it wasn't easy, it taught me a lot.
You mentioned the eleventh step. If we don't neglect the eleventh in times of high stress and heavy demand, something pretty cool happens -- at least, it did for me. Because I needed so much more in the way of guidance and because the demands on me at the time were such that I couldn't always do a meeting or two every day, I found myself at that place Bill W. talks about in Language of the Heart, where reliance on others and even on the fellowship as a whole becomes a source of frustration -- How can I possibly get through this if I don't have my sponsor constantly by my side?
So I prayed a lot, and the more I prayed, the more I allowed myself (found the willingness) to operate in a state of quiet meditation. Things might have been chaotic on the outside, and on a purely physical plane, I wasn't always sure if I had what it took to keep going, but by centering on the inside, walking & talking with the god of my understanding, the eleventh step became part of every waking moment.
I wish I could say that it's remained that way ever since. There are days that things just don't seem to be going the way I would have the go (hrm...is that a problem?
), and its then that I realize the only voices in my head are harsh, troubled, alarmist and pessimistic. I have abandoned the way for my way, and past experience (and the current condition!) reminds me that it doesn't usually work well that way.
It seems I've gone off pontificating again. Forgive me. I'll keep the last bit short:
If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, praying in earnest & listening (meditating) for the answers, it'll be okay. I'll say a prayer for you right now.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I think I can understand your exhaustion, Em. I was in a similar position about fifteen months ago, and though it wasn't easy, it taught me a lot.
You mentioned the eleventh step. If we don't neglect the eleventh in times of high stress and heavy demand, something pretty cool happens -- at least, it did for me. Because I needed so much more in the way of guidance and because the demands on me at the time were such that I couldn't always do a meeting or two every day, I found myself at that place Bill W. talks about in Language of the Heart, where reliance on others and even on the fellowship as a whole becomes a source of frustration -- How can I possibly get through this if I don't have my sponsor constantly by my side?
So I prayed a lot, and the more I prayed, the more I allowed myself (found the willingness) to operate in a state of quiet meditation. Things might have been chaotic on the outside, and on a purely physical plane, I wasn't always sure if I had what it took to keep going, but by centering on the inside, walking & talking with the god of my understanding, the eleventh step became part of every waking moment.
I wish I could say that it's remained that way ever since. There are days that things just don't seem to be going the way I would have the go (hrm...is that a problem?
), and its then that I realize the only voices in my head are harsh, troubled, alarmist and pessimistic. I have abandoned the way for my way, and past experience (and the current condition!) reminds me that it doesn't usually work well that way.It seems I've gone off pontificating again. Forgive me. I'll keep the last bit short:
If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, praying in earnest & listening (meditating) for the answers, it'll be okay. I'll say a prayer for you right now.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Silly Rabbit
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
thanks family. i am wading through all this... stuff. praying every morning, praying every evening, asking the big guy for the strength to accept that it's not my will today, and that's a good thing. (that was one long run-on sentence. wow.)
i appreciate all the support, knowing that i can come here and write about what's going on helps. there's not a whole lot that i KNOW these days, there's a lot more that i'm confused about. i guess that's just how life works. truthfully, i feel like part of this muddled-head-heart feeling is from sobriety, part's from letting go, and part's just growing up. it's how life works, yeah?
anyway, i should know today about the biopsy. i've always thought that the not knowing was the hardest part of the whole deal, but now i'm not so sure. i guess just deep breaths, prayer, and acceptance. stillness within myself. quiet my heart, ask god for peace.
oh, i feel so sad.
i appreciate all the support, knowing that i can come here and write about what's going on helps. there's not a whole lot that i KNOW these days, there's a lot more that i'm confused about. i guess that's just how life works. truthfully, i feel like part of this muddled-head-heart feeling is from sobriety, part's from letting go, and part's just growing up. it's how life works, yeah?
anyway, i should know today about the biopsy. i've always thought that the not knowing was the hardest part of the whole deal, but now i'm not so sure. i guess just deep breaths, prayer, and acceptance. stillness within myself. quiet my heart, ask god for peace.
oh, i feel so sad.
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