queenteree

Hi all,
I need your input. As you all remember, my AH was sober for 14 years, relapsed for 5 years, went to rehab at end of May, relapsed Labor Day weekend, drank for 8 days (even tho he kept going to meetings), sobered up for two weeks and is now back to drinking for a few days (even tho he only admitted to last night). He still goes to his meetings, when he comes home he says the only thing they do at every meeting he attends is have speakers then sharing. And he said almost everyone at these meetings (all in different locations) all have 90 days then relapse then 1 month then relapse and have relapsed over and over. I told him that obviously these meetings weren't working too good for anyone attending. He says it's all good as long as you keep sobering up and coming back. He says none of them read from the book, no steps except in the beginning, etc. I say then that is not really working the program. He feels he is working it more than he did the first 14 years (14 years w/out a relapse, now that he's "really working it" relapsed twice already in 4 months????). Anyway, after him being drunk last night, he admitted it, today told me he was sorry and was going to go to a meeting tonite, I told him "why bother, just drink yourself into oblivion as much as you want, don't care, I'm doing what I gotta do" so instead he decided since I'm "not being supportive" of him, he's going to go fishing instead. Good for him, cause I'm interviewing real estate agents to put my house up for sale. We'll both be doing what we want then. Anyway, his big thing this morning, other than me "not being supportive" is "You think I really want to do this? (meaning drink)" as if he has no control over is. What is your alcoholic take on this? You all are in program and it is my opinion that you won't relapse unless you want to relapse, but then again, I'm not an alcoholic, so I would value your opinions. Also, what is your take on how I should handle his binge that is going to go on for another 2 weeks before he decides to sober up again (I know I'm ending this marriage, that is a guarantee, but what I would like to know is how/when to bring it up so that there are no arguments, at least really bad ones). And yes, I am attending Alanon meetings every night for the past 2 1/2 weeks, but I still value the alcoholic opinions also since you guys really know the straight talk between alcoholics. Thanks.

nandm

It sounds like you already have the answer to your questions. In my opinion you are right on track. You are attending ALANON to help you deal with the alcoholic in your life (even as an ex he is still a part of your life), you are taking care of yourself, and you realize that the stories you are getting from him are not adding up.

Personally, relapse is not part of the program that I work. I hope it never is but all I have is one day at a time. I have been through a lot of difficulty and life's obstacles in recovery but I made up my mind early in recovery that I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober and to this day I have stuck by that. (If you want more details you can read my story under recovery stories).

Thank you for your post and trust yourself in this, from what I see you seem to be doing the right thing and putting one foot in front of the other which is all we can do.

Until he sincerely wants to quit drinking no one can help him.

Tazman53

That is true, not a one of us gets "Struck Drunk"!

I am not going to take the mans inventory, I must say Long Island must be very different from the AA I go to if every one attending every meeting in all of Long Island can not stay sober more then 90 days!!!!

You could call his bluff and find some open speakers meetings and suggest you both go to it because you want to hear what kind of experience strength and hope is offered by a speaker with less then 90 days of sobriety!!!!

In my area which I know has far fewer AA folks then Long Island it is extremely rare to hear a speaker with less than a years sobriety, most of them have at least 5 years sober or more and we have no shortage of speakers.

queeneteree keep yourself #1, do what you need to do for your recovery, he has to do what he needs to do for his.

miss communicat

Take care of yourself. Pull your focus off of him, and back to yourself. Don't "handle" his binge, his sobriety, his anything. Set yourself free from mental obsession. You deserve it.


[QUOTE=queenteree;1503737] (I know I'm ending this marriage, that is a guarantee, but what I would like to know is how/when ........QUOTE]

I suggest asking your Higher Power for spiritual guidance as to what to say, when to say it and turn the outcome over to your Higher Power. It will be just fine.

queenteree

Thank you all. When I say "handle his binge" I mean cause he will try and pick fights and walking away doesn't work. Even last night, I got up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and get something to drink. He slept upstairs, yet heard me and comes down. He just won't let it go and leave me alone and that is when I lose it. That is what I mean by handling. How do you get thru to an A and get them to leave you alone? Then he'll go on to his killing himself routine, and God forgive me for saying it, but I wish he'd do it already then cause it's starting to get on my nerves and he's only doing it for sympathy. He is the BIGGEST JERK when he is drunk, and I know I can't/won't live like this anymore.

snowgoose

Wisdom I've heard from others says that you can't reason with an alcoholic when s/he is drunk. (Like trying to reason with a brick wall.)

Teree, I agree with those who say you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. Even for those of us who are recovering alcoholics, it is said, "You can carry the message but you can't carry the drunk."

I personally know many people who have gotten sober and stayed sober and put together many many 24hours following long periods of going in and out of sobriety. While breath remains, there is hope for that.

I also know people who drink even when they desparately don't want to, because the disease draws them to alcohol like a moth to a flame. It's a horrible affliction, and although many of us say we're glad we're alcoholics because it is the only way we ever would have worked the wonderful program that is AA, I doubt many of us would have deliberately chosen the burden of being an alcoholic drinker.

Best to you from the Snowgoose.

queenteree

Thing is, he's one of the hopeless ones, I know that now. And I know I must get to a meeting tonite (and have to bring my 2 young grandkids). Thing is I lose my patience after 8 - 10 days of his solid drinking and following me around and not leaving me be. And it's so not fair to the grands to have a drunk grandfather. Thing is, now he has an excuse for tonite (I'm not supportive, I'm leaving him, etc.). Of course anyone who goes to AA meetings and spent a month in rehab knows that the way to handle that is to drink to your heart's content. But then again, he'll tell me that I said he could (which technically I said I don't care whether or not he drinks, as long as he stays upstairs away from me and we would lead separate lives until I sell the house). Then the killing himself thing (totally a bluff, BTDT many many times before, it's wearing thin).

Kellye C

You shouldn't have to do this but is there any way you can physically remove yourself from the house when he is drunk? Somewhere you can stay?

As for the killing himself thing, one thing I've seen on the Friends and Family board. When he threatens it call 911. Call his bluff. Probably won't happen more than once.

Keep going to Al-Anon and making preparations for you and your new life free from a practicing alcoholic.

Big hugs,
Kellye

laurie6781

The next time he pulls that, you pick up the phone, call 911, tell them your H is threatening sucicide and you need help. They will come, and if need be take him to the hospital for a pysch evaluation.

If he does it again, call 911 again. The threats will stop, you called his bluff. Keep doing what you need to do for you, keep a bag packed in the trunk and if need be leave for the night.

You need to take care of you.

Love and hugs,

queenteree

Before he went to rehab 4 mons ago, he said he was going to kill himself. Got up at 7 a.m. and by 9:30 a.m. was so drunk w/a BAL of 400. My son was over and I was having my morning coffee. My son called 911 and they did take him to the hospital for a psych eval. Kept him there overnight and he called me 20 times demanding I get him out of there. I came up and gave him shoes so he could walk home from the hospital. Next day is when he made the call to rehab. In the midst of his relapse Labor Day weekend (drank for 8 days) he was telling me my problems will all be over, he was going to kill himself before the end of night. I didn't play into his bluff and told him to try and make it look like an accident so I could collect the insurance. He decided to go drunk to a meeting instead, a lot good that did. It's just a ploy, but I won't fall for it. And I know it sounds mean, but truly if he did right now, I couldn't care, I'd only be relieved. Last night I took my grands to an Alanon meeting. They sat and colored and were soooo good. Everyone remarked after the meeting on how good they were. I'm going to start taking them to Alateen (cause the chairperson told me Alateen can start as early as 5 years old). But one decision is made, I have a real estate coming to look at my house today and I explained my situation, the guy says he does some work w/Alanon (?), and if I like the numbers I'm making the decision to sign to list the house. Next step Monday is divorce lawyer. Been doing this too long, time to get a move on with my life.