Lying about sobriety date-Please help
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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Lying about sobriety date-Please help
I am supposedly coming up on a year but really only have 6 months, and the closer I get to my fake sobriety date the more uneasy I become because I feel like my time is running out to tell the truth. If i go through with taking my year chip then I'm afraid I'll never be honest.
I was sober for three months when I met my boyfriend, who has a few years in the program. Soon afterwards, I relapsed but didn't tell anyone, and stayed out for a few months. This whole time I'm getting closer to my boyfriend (who I still was not dating exclusively) but I was lying to him about using and drinking. I would even be high around him and he wouldn't notice. I had a sponser but I was starting to grow apart from her and I wasn't very connected with other people in the program. As usual, it started out as a once in a while thing and rapidly progressed so that I was drunk all day and feeling depressed and alone. After one final episode I decided that I didn't want to do this anymore and shortly after I became exclusive with my boyfriend was the last time that I drank. I was afraid to tell anyone because I knew that I would not be able to move out of my house unless I had a certain amount of sobriety (I'm young and my father is very controlling) and I knew that if I didn't move I would have to wait another year for various reasons.
I have been doing great ever since, I have my own apartment and a great job and am going to school and have been sober for 6 months but I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm lying about how much time I have. I'm so scared to say anthing thought because I feel like everyone will feel so let down and my boyfriend will think that our relationship was built on a lie (I'm completely honest with him about everything else, but if I tell him i lied about this he will wonder what else I have lied about). I have a new sponser and I've been thinking about telling her, but I know that by telling her I'll have to tell everyone and I'm starting to wonder if this is just one of those things that is better when you just move on and keep it to yourself. I've talked to my non alcoholic friends about it but they just don't understand what I'm going through.
Please help.
I was sober for three months when I met my boyfriend, who has a few years in the program. Soon afterwards, I relapsed but didn't tell anyone, and stayed out for a few months. This whole time I'm getting closer to my boyfriend (who I still was not dating exclusively) but I was lying to him about using and drinking. I would even be high around him and he wouldn't notice. I had a sponser but I was starting to grow apart from her and I wasn't very connected with other people in the program. As usual, it started out as a once in a while thing and rapidly progressed so that I was drunk all day and feeling depressed and alone. After one final episode I decided that I didn't want to do this anymore and shortly after I became exclusive with my boyfriend was the last time that I drank. I was afraid to tell anyone because I knew that I would not be able to move out of my house unless I had a certain amount of sobriety (I'm young and my father is very controlling) and I knew that if I didn't move I would have to wait another year for various reasons.
I have been doing great ever since, I have my own apartment and a great job and am going to school and have been sober for 6 months but I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm lying about how much time I have. I'm so scared to say anthing thought because I feel like everyone will feel so let down and my boyfriend will think that our relationship was built on a lie (I'm completely honest with him about everything else, but if I tell him i lied about this he will wonder what else I have lied about). I have a new sponser and I've been thinking about telling her, but I know that by telling her I'll have to tell everyone and I'm starting to wonder if this is just one of those things that is better when you just move on and keep it to yourself. I've talked to my non alcoholic friends about it but they just don't understand what I'm going through.
Please help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Dear Allrone
Thank you for posting this. I have some experience with dishonesty in recovery.(lol....who doesn't, right?)
The turning point for me came when I started to see that I was playing with my sobriety, and that sobriety is more than just not drinking while continuiuing to try to run the show (my life).
The quality of sobriety I seek comes when I take Step 3, which says that I am willing to turn my WILL and my LIFE over to the care of the Higher Power.
It does not say that I can continue to worry what the consequences will be if I speak the honest truth, because when I take Step 2 I realized that this power which is greater than myself WILL restore me to sanity. Sanity, for me, involves letting others think and do whatever they need to think and do. Its none of my business. Sanity for me, means accepting life on life's terms. If that involves having to work through a shift in housing or relationships, then I accept that as being part of what will restore me to sanity.
When I first quit drinking, I had lots of insanity and zero sanity, so this concept of honesty, openmindedness and willingness was very strange.
I could only take baby baby steps in the beginning.
Stop pressuring yourself and shaming yourself. Acknowledge your fear and tell the truth anyway. Enjoy the liberation!
Thank you for posting this. I have some experience with dishonesty in recovery.(lol....who doesn't, right?)
The turning point for me came when I started to see that I was playing with my sobriety, and that sobriety is more than just not drinking while continuiuing to try to run the show (my life).
The quality of sobriety I seek comes when I take Step 3, which says that I am willing to turn my WILL and my LIFE over to the care of the Higher Power.
It does not say that I can continue to worry what the consequences will be if I speak the honest truth, because when I take Step 2 I realized that this power which is greater than myself WILL restore me to sanity. Sanity, for me, involves letting others think and do whatever they need to think and do. Its none of my business. Sanity for me, means accepting life on life's terms. If that involves having to work through a shift in housing or relationships, then I accept that as being part of what will restore me to sanity.
When I first quit drinking, I had lots of insanity and zero sanity, so this concept of honesty, openmindedness and willingness was very strange.
I could only take baby baby steps in the beginning.
Stop pressuring yourself and shaming yourself. Acknowledge your fear and tell the truth anyway. Enjoy the liberation!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Today a small white lie...tomorrow a bank job.
That is something my mother would always say and I have found it to be true to a degree. Each time we let just a little bit of honesty go...the next time it becomes easier to do but will cost us more in the long run. Dishonesty is a progressive action. A little today can turn into much tomorrow.
Getting it out now and standing before others at your meeting will help you grow more then you will ever know. No more shame. No more guilt. Your mind will be free of such thoughts and you can put a better effort towards all other things...like enjoying life to the fullest and remaining sober. You shared it here and you won't find a person judging you. When you share at a meeting.. you will find that you are being a wonderful example to others and you will not be judged there either. Your words of truth will help you and they just may help everyone else at the meeting as well.
That is something my mother would always say and I have found it to be true to a degree. Each time we let just a little bit of honesty go...the next time it becomes easier to do but will cost us more in the long run. Dishonesty is a progressive action. A little today can turn into much tomorrow.
Getting it out now and standing before others at your meeting will help you grow more then you will ever know. No more shame. No more guilt. Your mind will be free of such thoughts and you can put a better effort towards all other things...like enjoying life to the fullest and remaining sober. You shared it here and you won't find a person judging you. When you share at a meeting.. you will find that you are being a wonderful example to others and you will not be judged there either. Your words of truth will help you and they just may help everyone else at the meeting as well.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
What a difficult situation to be in.
What I have learned for me is to listen to my gut. I believe that the conscience is our Higher Power's way of guiding us to do the next right thing. At least that is how it has worked so far in my life.
I think that this quote from the Big Book describes your situation at this moment. Honesty is a huge part of the program of A.A. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it we not only hurt those we care about but ourselves. Resentment and guilt are two big obstacles to recovery. If you choose to continue to live the lie, then every year you are going to face this turmoil. Every year feeling a little more guilty and dishonest.
I have heard people in meetings that have gone through what you are going through, who have made the choice to be honest about it. What I have seen is only support and caring for the individual. I think that honesty is a must in this situation. We have to be willing to go to any lengths sometimes to keep our sobriety. You have come to far with your 6 months to throw it away because of fear. Don't be the farmer and just ignore the challenge.
This is just my opinion. I hope that you find the answer that works for you. Take care. Please keep us posted.
Originally Posted by allRone 
I am supposedly coming up on a year but really only have 6 months, and the closer I get to my fake sobriety date the more uneasy I become because I feel like my time is running out to tell the truth. If i go through with taking my year chip then I'm afraid I'll never be honest.
I'm starting to wonder if this is just one of those things that is better when you just move on and keep it to yourself. I've talked to my non alcoholic friends about it but they just don't understand what I'm going through.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. he is like the farmet who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife,he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin?"
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all.......
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all.......
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
I have heard people in meetings that have gone through what you are going through, who have made the choice to be honest about it. What I have seen is only support and caring for the individual. I think that honesty is a must in this situation. We have to be willing to go to any lengths sometimes to keep our sobriety. You have come to far with your 6 months to throw it away because of fear. Don't be the farmer and just ignore the challenge.
This is just my opinion. I hope that you find the answer that works for you. Take care. Please keep us posted.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
allrone I can only suggest what I would do and why, if it applies to you then go for it.
I stayed drunk right up until the point that I was finally able to get brutally honest with myself and the rest of the world, this was the point when I admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol and I could not stop drinking on my own.
I will throw in a quote from the BB, see what you get from it:
By you simply posting this here it tells me that it is eating at your insides. I can tell you have a hard time looking at any one when the subject of length of sobriety comes up.
Do you want this pain to stop? It may seem really painful thinking about telling the truth, but the truth set me free, the truth can set you free as well.
What is causing you to hold this inside is alcoholism, this is the toe hold the disease has on you right now, and the longer you hold the truth back the deeper alcohol is going to sink its teeth into you.
Would you like to be free of this? Kick alcohols teeth down its throat now, step up to the plate and tell the truth, you have far more to gain then to lose.
If your BF is in recovery he will understand and there are a lot of folks in the rooms that will gain from you sharing the truth of relapse and how you overcame it.
I stayed drunk right up until the point that I was finally able to get brutally honest with myself and the rest of the world, this was the point when I admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol and I could not stop drinking on my own.
I will throw in a quote from the BB, see what you get from it:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
Do you want this pain to stop? It may seem really painful thinking about telling the truth, but the truth set me free, the truth can set you free as well.
What is causing you to hold this inside is alcoholism, this is the toe hold the disease has on you right now, and the longer you hold the truth back the deeper alcohol is going to sink its teeth into you.
Would you like to be free of this? Kick alcohols teeth down its throat now, step up to the plate and tell the truth, you have far more to gain then to lose.
If your BF is in recovery he will understand and there are a lot of folks in the rooms that will gain from you sharing the truth of relapse and how you overcame it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
You are as sick as your secrets and THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!
Been there done that early on....doesn't work, it will eat you alive. Come clean and feel the freedom from the bondage of SELF.
Hugs & prayers!
Been there done that early on....doesn't work, it will eat you alive. Come clean and feel the freedom from the bondage of SELF.
Hugs & prayers!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
What an awesome post. "When is an alcoholic lying? When their lips are moving." Along with terminal uniqueness, dishonesty has been my greatest foe. You see I lied quite well, about everything and since I lived in a fantasy and was going to die tomorrow anyway and I was not accountable for anything, why tell the truth ever?
Not drinking one day at a time as well as learning recovery begins to awaken the accountability for life lived as well as living on. It begins to awaken daily personal responsibility. Many fear this change and give in to the old life; the familiar pain is less than the new pain, which is baloney, but hey, we have all gone through it.
Are you full of booze, are you full of the shame, guilt and pain of active drinking? Are you tired of being a liar. A quiet place and some honesty may help. My best to you.
Not drinking one day at a time as well as learning recovery begins to awaken the accountability for life lived as well as living on. It begins to awaken daily personal responsibility. Many fear this change and give in to the old life; the familiar pain is less than the new pain, which is baloney, but hey, we have all gone through it.
Are you full of booze, are you full of the shame, guilt and pain of active drinking? Are you tired of being a liar. A quiet place and some honesty may help. My best to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
allRone
Sounds like you already know the answer.
The fear you expressed can by itself take one right back out...For me it was important to face the fear and be completely honest..Fear can, if we allow it, keepus stuck. I find that when i face the fear it looses its power...and I gain the strength I need to do whatever needs done..especially knowing I am not walking alone...
You might be amazed and surprised at the response you get.
I heard early on.."We are only as sick as our secrets." ...for me, and just for me, those secrets must come to light so I can remain in the Sunlight of the Spirit.
hugs and prayers
Sounds like you already know the answer.
The fear you expressed can by itself take one right back out...For me it was important to face the fear and be completely honest..Fear can, if we allow it, keepus stuck. I find that when i face the fear it looses its power...and I gain the strength I need to do whatever needs done..especially knowing I am not walking alone...
You might be amazed and surprised at the response you get.
I heard early on.."We are only as sick as our secrets." ...for me, and just for me, those secrets must come to light so I can remain in the Sunlight of the Spirit.
hugs and prayers
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
The only time I have felt that an untruth, (that's PC for LIE), has worked in my life has been when I was able to convince myself that MY LIE WAS TRUE.
If that ever does occur you folks will be the first to know.
I have gone to a lot of trouble and all sorts of pain to get sober. Sobriety as I have heard it defined is not the act of NOT drinking, but the process of living a victorious life. Honesty is the cornerstone of that victory. You have done SO MUCH IN GETTING SOBER AND STAYING THAT WAY, do you really think that it matters to anyone but YOU when you started down the path to a better life.
Forget the rest of the world's opinion, even the boyfriend, how is your current plan working? If it isn't; MAKE A CHANGE. They forgave you after you stopped drinking; I suspect they will do the same after you stop lying!
YOU HAVE ALREADY PROVED THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR CURRENT BEHAVIOR. PROGRESS RATHER THAN PERFECTION. (Pretty good saying).
Good luck to you,
Jon
If that ever does occur you folks will be the first to know.
I have gone to a lot of trouble and all sorts of pain to get sober. Sobriety as I have heard it defined is not the act of NOT drinking, but the process of living a victorious life. Honesty is the cornerstone of that victory. You have done SO MUCH IN GETTING SOBER AND STAYING THAT WAY, do you really think that it matters to anyone but YOU when you started down the path to a better life.
Forget the rest of the world's opinion, even the boyfriend, how is your current plan working? If it isn't; MAKE A CHANGE. They forgave you after you stopped drinking; I suspect they will do the same after you stop lying!
YOU HAVE ALREADY PROVED THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR CURRENT BEHAVIOR. PROGRESS RATHER THAN PERFECTION. (Pretty good saying).
Good luck to you,
Jon
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Mpls, Mn
Posts: 55
allRone,
I was sober for 14.5 years - was out of AA, took a couple nips and tried to get back in without copping to it. Drank for almost 2 years, back now for 5 months.
I could not do it on the basis of anything but the absolute truth. That's just me, but I was enslaved until I copped (made easier by passing out in the back yard)
Peace,
FM
I was sober for 14.5 years - was out of AA, took a couple nips and tried to get back in without copping to it. Drank for almost 2 years, back now for 5 months.
I could not do it on the basis of anything but the absolute truth. That's just me, but I was enslaved until I copped (made easier by passing out in the back yard)
Peace,
FM
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad to see a new member....
Welcome allRone
I can understand why you started to lie
but why continue?
You have moved forward please don't l
live with a festering secret.
Blessings
Welcome allRone
I can understand why you started to lie
but why continue?
You have moved forward please don't l
live with a festering secret.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i think you already know the answer to your question.
best of everything to you, darlin, and remember......we are all human. and aa is one of the most human groups i've ever known. they are sure to understand and still love you
congrats on the 6 months!!!!! that is just awesome!!!!
best of everything to you, darlin, and remember......we are all human. and aa is one of the most human groups i've ever known. they are sure to understand and still love you
congrats on the 6 months!!!!! that is just awesome!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
This is a huge post!!! And fenian man, I've been exactly where you were at. I had 7 years and was completely out of AA when I took the first drink again. I would go through periods of slip for one day, not drink for 6 months slip one afternoon, not drink for a couple of months. I did this for awhile until one day the two beers I was drinking on my way home just wasn't enough and I vowed right then and there to drink like I wanted to drink. That eventually brought me to my knees. When I finally stopped, I still couldn't swallow my pride and come back to AA. I had to be beaten into submission by a dry drunk as well. here's the thing....the BB tells us that we soon cannot tell the true from the false in The Doctor's Opinion. When I came back in my mind wanted to count time in between slips and add them to the initial 7 years. How insane is that? Well, it's pretty darn insane. In any event, when I sat down with my sponsor and did a thorough first step, I laid it all on the table. Initially I wanted to do damage control, but I got the sense this may be my last shot at real recovery. He told me that the dry drunk was gonna kill me. So what we decided to do was to reset my sobriety date to when I came back into AA. While my last drink was on 2/6/05....my sobriety date is 3/26/07 and I picked up a 6 month chip last night. The past 6 months have been thew AA way, and my life is finally changing. Honesty is what we have to start with. This disease can play the games better than we can.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well....
Here is another thread on DOS and lies
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Here is another thread on DOS and lieshttp://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
after I relasped. I had a bit of that insanity going.
It ate me up inside. Nobody knew that i relapsed....but i did.
that's the insanity of alcoholims ya know...like they say
"you're about as sick as your secrets"...and there you go,
now you have a general idea of what that is.
i felt so much better that i came clean. i felt the wieght lifted off
of my shoulders. I also felt like I didn't have to hide anymore.
I felt...you know FREE !!!
I hope you don't miss out on it.
I also learned about courage, trusting in that process.
and you know what? everbody came over and gave me a hug
and celebrated my recovery with me anyways...with or without the cake.
It ate me up inside. Nobody knew that i relapsed....but i did.
that's the insanity of alcoholims ya know...like they say
"you're about as sick as your secrets"...and there you go,
now you have a general idea of what that is.
i felt so much better that i came clean. i felt the wieght lifted off
of my shoulders. I also felt like I didn't have to hide anymore.
I felt...you know FREE !!!
I hope you don't miss out on it.
I also learned about courage, trusting in that process.
and you know what? everbody came over and gave me a hug
and celebrated my recovery with me anyways...with or without the cake.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
allrone, happy to see you spilli'n the beans here...
we drunk over lies, and lies that sooner or later we can think are true...
the twisted alcoholic mind...
have you recieved one of the sobriety coins?
if you have, look on the back of it...
it reads...
"to thine own self be true"
all good wishes allrone
xxoo, rz
we drunk over lies, and lies that sooner or later we can think are true...
the twisted alcoholic mind...
have you recieved one of the sobriety coins?
if you have, look on the back of it...
it reads...
"to thine own self be true"
all good wishes allrone
xxoo, rz
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