No one believes in me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1
No one believes in me
I have been sober for almost five months. I haven’t been going to meeting. Sometimes when I feel like I might slip, I go to a meeting. I feel I have been doing very well. My father and I don’t speak much anymore and when we do speak he doesn’t believe I’m sober. No one does. When people talk to me they always ask “Did you drink yet” or “When are you going to drink again” as if no one believes in me. I’m at the point now where I don’t want to talk to anyone. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
All the time. "When are you going to drink again"? I just say "Someday". Someday works quite well as it makes these dream stealers happy to hear. I was going to quit someday too. I put it off and put it off because "someday" means just that.
In time people will believe you but trust can be hard to come by when people have been conditioned not to trust or believe you.
So far you haven't let me down, so if it helps, I believe in you!
Keep up the good work, nobody ever said this was fast and easy!
In time people will believe you but trust can be hard to come by when people have been conditioned not to trust or believe you.
So far you haven't let me down, so if it helps, I believe in you!
Keep up the good work, nobody ever said this was fast and easy!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
Sure have but I found a solution that worked for me.
I did it for myself and don't let what others think get to me.
What I had realized is people were asking such questions because they are waiting for me to be who I was... the old me would have repeated things just as they expected.
When we give away our trust, it takes time to gain it back. People need time and it is well worth the time to give them. When you reach a point that they start saying Wow...that long? You are starting to see "them" change.
I knew in my heart that the day I said no more was a final commitment...I know that but I still had to prove it to others...they need time. Actions over time speak because our words over the past were never followed through with.
Congratulations on your days collected. 5 months is a great start. Way to Go!
Sure have but I found a solution that worked for me.
I did it for myself and don't let what others think get to me.
What I had realized is people were asking such questions because they are waiting for me to be who I was... the old me would have repeated things just as they expected.
When we give away our trust, it takes time to gain it back. People need time and it is well worth the time to give them. When you reach a point that they start saying Wow...that long? You are starting to see "them" change.
I knew in my heart that the day I said no more was a final commitment...I know that but I still had to prove it to others...they need time. Actions over time speak because our words over the past were never followed through with.
Congratulations on your days collected. 5 months is a great start. Way to Go!
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey lhupcook,
First congratulations on nearly 5 months. That's awesome.
I think some people took longer to accept that I had actually made a true commitment to sobriety than others. What I began to see was that it really didn't matter that much if other people believed that I wasn't drinking as long as I knew I wasn't drinking. It took me a while to get this because I had spent so many years trying to convince people I was one thing when I was actually something else and I looked to their response to see how well I was pulling the wool over their eyes.
I'm not in recovery to live up to other people's expectations and as long as I'm not lying, I don't really need to worry too much about what others think.
Short form: to thy ownself be true?
First congratulations on nearly 5 months. That's awesome.
I think some people took longer to accept that I had actually made a true commitment to sobriety than others. What I began to see was that it really didn't matter that much if other people believed that I wasn't drinking as long as I knew I wasn't drinking. It took me a while to get this because I had spent so many years trying to convince people I was one thing when I was actually something else and I looked to their response to see how well I was pulling the wool over their eyes.
I'm not in recovery to live up to other people's expectations and as long as I'm not lying, I don't really need to worry too much about what others think.
Short form: to thy ownself be true?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i'm not an alcoholic, but am an al-anonian. when my xh would get sober, i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. the sheer anxiety was of his being sober was overwhelming....although above anything else, i wanted him to be sober.
it was so hard to forget all the past events. i wanted to trust him, but we had been through this so many times. al-anon helped me with this issue so that i didn't project my expectations on him, and to live one day at a time with his sobriety.
it is said so often.....actions, not words. it's tough for both sides involved because of all the wreckage in the past.
please, just believe in yourself.....others will come around in time. don't let their actions dictate your sobriety.
5 months is awesome!!!!!!! congratulations! and just keep on, keepin on......it doesn't matter what others think.....when you lie down each night, you know you have another day sober and that is totally wonderful.
sounds like the close ones in your family need to go to al-anon.
best of everything to you, dear
jeri
it was so hard to forget all the past events. i wanted to trust him, but we had been through this so many times. al-anon helped me with this issue so that i didn't project my expectations on him, and to live one day at a time with his sobriety.
it is said so often.....actions, not words. it's tough for both sides involved because of all the wreckage in the past.
please, just believe in yourself.....others will come around in time. don't let their actions dictate your sobriety.
5 months is awesome!!!!!!! congratulations! and just keep on, keepin on......it doesn't matter what others think.....when you lie down each night, you know you have another day sober and that is totally wonderful.
sounds like the close ones in your family need to go to al-anon.
best of everything to you, dear
jeri
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by findingout 
Short form: to thy ownself be true?
And as long as I'm true to myself, I can live a spiritual life and find peace in embracing the 12 Steps.
Welcome to SR, lcuphook, nice to meet you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 23
One thing I learned in my IOP program was to change the things in your life that may make you want to drink, etc. Even if that means avoiding your best friends and family. One reason to go to meetings is to be with people and make new friends that won't constantly say "did you get hammered lately?". Having said that, I am not much of a meeting person myself. But I do get a lot of support from ALL of the people around me.
Congrats on the 5 months! Find some supportive friends.
Congrats on the 5 months! Find some supportive friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 6
I agree with Best.
Do it for yourself.. You wont always have the support you want but the point is, is that you do have support. And people do believe in you. Your staying sober for yourself and not for other people. Just keep it up stay strong and whats ment to happen will happen.
Do it for yourself.. You wont always have the support you want but the point is, is that you do have support. And people do believe in you. Your staying sober for yourself and not for other people. Just keep it up stay strong and whats ment to happen will happen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Plantation FL.
Posts: 6
We teach people how to treat us.If we spend a lifetime of being not worthy of anyones trust it will take time to get that trust back.You are on the right path.Do what you have to for yourself.Most of the time our loved ones will come around.We have to have faith in them just like we want them to have faith in us.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi -
You know, there's people who go to meetings ...
and then there's people who work the Porgram of Alcholics Anonymous.
The people who go to meetings ... I dunno.
But I *do* know - the people who work the Program, I'm talking the ones who get a sponsor, work the steps, in order, as they're intended ...
regain their reputations.
Reunite with their families.
Get their jobs (or better ones) back ...
Become believable.
They repair. They heal. They change.
They don't have tro have anyone tell them they're okay.
That's how the Program works.
You know. From the inside out.
You know you've done the right thing.
The others ... I dunno.
I can't speak for them.
But I know what I see in the Rooms.
AA is not the only way-
it's just the only way that worked for me.
It's the only way I know.
You know, there's people who go to meetings ...
and then there's people who work the Porgram of Alcholics Anonymous.
The people who go to meetings ... I dunno.
But I *do* know - the people who work the Program, I'm talking the ones who get a sponsor, work the steps, in order, as they're intended ...
regain their reputations.
Reunite with their families.
Get their jobs (or better ones) back ...
Become believable.
They repair. They heal. They change.
They don't have tro have anyone tell them they're okay.
That's how the Program works.
You know. From the inside out.
You know you've done the right thing.
The others ... I dunno.
I can't speak for them.
But I know what I see in the Rooms.
AA is not the only way-
it's just the only way that worked for me.
It's the only way I know.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I am speaking on the side of the people who do not believe you. My husband has been sober 6 months living in a halfway house. I have used this time to work on myself,and am finally truly understanding the sickness alcoholism brings to people and their loved ones. I am still afraid if I let him back in my heart will be broken again.I cannot go back to the place I was at. Although he seems to have embraced sobriety this time I still have my guard up. Time will tell if he is fully committed to sobriety,so far his actions are meeting his words and slowly I am letting myself believe he will do it this time. The hurt we codependents felt in active addiction tore our souls apart. I wish you luck keep your spirits up and live your sober life the best you can others will see in your actions you are committed.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Ihupcook congrats on the 5 months, that is big!!!!
As others have said you know the truth, forget what others may say or think, or even what you think they think.
With time they will all see the change in you.
In sobriety no, when I was drinking that was my life.
My road to recovery has been filled with supportive understanding people, early in my recovery 99% of these people I found in the rooms, these people knew what was going on in my head, they had been where I was at, they gave me that simple warm smile, firm hand shake, a hug, words of encouragement & understanding. They shared (still do) with me how they got through the tough times.
ihupcook I do not know your story, I know that I spent years and years telling people in my family I was going to quit drinking or I had quit drinking and always wound up drinking again.
I have learned that actions speak far louder then words, the longer I stayed sober and the more I changed as I worked the steps the more people who had no faith in me started to see the changes in me.
For me I was the same person drunk or sober until I started changing by working the steps, people noticed more changes in me as a person then they noticed if I was drinking or not.
Do not isolate, hang out with people who do support you, those that discourage you are not being helpful at all, just stay sober and keep on working on your self.
As others have said you know the truth, forget what others may say or think, or even what you think they think.
With time they will all see the change in you.
I’m at the point now where I don’t want to talk to anyone. Has anyone else dealt with this?
My road to recovery has been filled with supportive understanding people, early in my recovery 99% of these people I found in the rooms, these people knew what was going on in my head, they had been where I was at, they gave me that simple warm smile, firm hand shake, a hug, words of encouragement & understanding. They shared (still do) with me how they got through the tough times.
ihupcook I do not know your story, I know that I spent years and years telling people in my family I was going to quit drinking or I had quit drinking and always wound up drinking again.
I have learned that actions speak far louder then words, the longer I stayed sober and the more I changed as I worked the steps the more people who had no faith in me started to see the changes in me.
For me I was the same person drunk or sober until I started changing by working the steps, people noticed more changes in me as a person then they noticed if I was drinking or not.
Do not isolate, hang out with people who do support you, those that discourage you are not being helpful at all, just stay sober and keep on working on your self.
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Right now I am in the process of going to 90 meetings in 90 days, I've 2 months today! Does everyone trust me, heck no. I have let them down too many times. All I can do today is work my program and be true to myself. The fact that my loved ones see me making the effort to go to a meeting everyday really helps.
They know I am serious.
Ted
They know I am serious.
Ted
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
You need to be sober for you.....your sober actions will lead others into believing in you again. This might take a very long time...but it will happen. Also don't let your own guilt play mind games with you either. Out guilt tends to make things worse (or just our own thinking, thenit really is)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Originally Posted by lhupcook
I have been sober for almost five months. I haven’t been going to meeting. Sometimes when I feel like I might slip, I go to a meeting. I feel I have been doing very well. My father and I don’t speak much anymore and when we do speak he doesn’t believe I’m sober. No one does. When people talk to me they always ask “Did you drink yet” or “When are you going to drink again” as if no one believes in me. I’m at the point now where I don’t want to talk to anyone. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Do you believe in you and in the gift you have been given?
Do you believe God believes in you?
I have found what others believe or refuse to believe is on them...What matters most to me is How God sees me...and it is more important that I can live in my own skin than in what others think or believe.
The more I do what has been suggested to do to live a clean & sober life...the more importaqnce there is on how I live...words, are often inadequate..and i cannot control another's thoguths or beliefs. For me it is more important to be walking my talk than to convince other.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Originally Posted by lhupcook
I have been sober for almost five months. I haven’t been going to meeting. Sometimes when I feel like I might slip, I go to a meeting. I feel I have been doing very well. My father and I don’t speak much anymore and when we do speak he doesn’t believe I’m sober. No one does. When people talk to me they always ask “Did you drink yet” or “When are you going to drink again” as if no one believes in me. I’m at the point now where I don’t want to talk to anyone. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Three months after I had been clean I happily told him the news of my new found life in AA. He listened patiently while I expounded the virtues of the programme and what it was doing for me then he proceeded to tell me what a weak person I was for joining AA ..........his words astonished and haunted me for a long long time.
There I was thinking how much i loved and respected this person and how proud he would be of me when i told him what I was doing and only to be told what a "weak willed" and "weak minded" individual I was for reaching out for help.
In that moment I would rather i had been tied down and hot water poured upon me. Better it would have been had my flesh been rent and burnt ashes stuffed into the wounds......I would have gladly welcomed that pain than to feel the bitter sting of those words.
Weakness is not allowed in my family.God forbid you showed weakness.....I had forgotten this.
I stayed in AA despite his contempt. I stayed because I felt safe there. My family no longer gave me that feeling. Thanks to the help and support of my sober friends I was able to see the lie in his words and little by little i began to feel better about myself. I had not felt that in a long time.
He still hold his opinion of me today even after more than ten years but his words have lost their potency. We have drifted apart and rarely see each other anymore but that is okay , he unknowingly opened up my eyes to how much i had allowed my family to make me feel bad about myself and to how much dysfunction there is in the world.
Be true to yourself and dont let anybody by their words or actions make you feel less about you.
Last edited by Peter; 09-21-2007 at 06:51 PM.
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