I want to drink more than I want to quit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 70
I want to drink more than I want to quit
I'm tired of lying to myself. I am not perfect and probably never will be. This has been the weirdest, most boring week of my life. I went to a bbq place for dinner yesterday that has an excellent beer selection, one of the best in town, and there I was drinking water like some kind of teenager. I WANTED A BEER. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BEER? I didn't want to get drunk, I just wanted one or two freakin beers like everyone else.
Grrrrr
Grrrrr
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
well... it says right in the big book - if you think you may not be an alcoholic, jsut go into your favorite bar and try some controlled drinking.
I mean - if you're not ready - you're not ready.
I mean - if you're not ready - you're not ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 70
But I don't want to get worse either. Someone on this forum put it best "addiction is like an elevator, some are lucky enough to get off on an upper floor, while some of us ride all the way to the bottom". I just want to be able to drink sometimes and not others. Or have like 2 beers watching the game instead of 8, or A glass of wine with dinner, not the whole bottle. Maybe I can? I really really want to. Everybody else can, maybe if I exercised a little willpower and self control instead of my old I don't give a fk attitude?
Ugh, I don't know what to do
Ugh, I don't know what to do
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
my daughter wants to control her drinking, to be able to drink a little. Sometimes she wants to be able to drink ALOT, like other 20 somethings.
it never works for her to drink and then feel good about herself. she's an alcoholic.
blessings, k
it never works for her to drink and then feel good about herself. she's an alcoholic.
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Born in Long Island NY/Mtns of N.C Is my home now
Posts: 405
Just enjoy the N.C bbq and leave the drink alone, it will never just be a couple of beers tried that and got spanked ....
1 is too many and a million is not enuff
1 is too many and a million is not enuff
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
You said, "Everybody else can"
Trust me; everybody cant. some can, some do, and some DONT.
I cant have just one. I even wonder why some one would. I dont understand why you would drink alcohol if you werent trying to get a buzz, a numb, or a face plant.
I dont want one or two. I always want 4 or 8. My AExBF wants 10 or15.
In my life, I have been able to drink a few and have a good time, and go home. Those days are gone, I think. Thats not what happens to me after one. Just one, and I could just fast forward to 6. Had to test that theory about 300 times, but, now, I just dont want to anymore.
Trust me; everybody cant. some can, some do, and some DONT.
I cant have just one. I even wonder why some one would. I dont understand why you would drink alcohol if you werent trying to get a buzz, a numb, or a face plant.
I dont want one or two. I always want 4 or 8. My AExBF wants 10 or15.
In my life, I have been able to drink a few and have a good time, and go home. Those days are gone, I think. Thats not what happens to me after one. Just one, and I could just fast forward to 6. Had to test that theory about 300 times, but, now, I just dont want to anymore.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
mrsmurph when I first quit I felt the same way, I knew that once I drank that first drink I was powerless, I had no idea if I would stop with one or drink myself into oblivion.
Since I quit I have been amazed to find out that MOST people outside of a drinking establishment do not drink and if they do they do not drink like I used to drink.
The first professinal football game I went to sober I noticed that the lines for sodas was actually longer then the beer lines and in looking around most people were drinking coffee, hot chocolate, or sodas.
I went to one of my daughters wedding reception and even though there was a keg there most of the people were drinking soda or tea.
If you want to have some good sober fun go to an AA party or dance, people laughing, cutting up, dancing and acting a fool and all without drinking.
You know I have found that not only do I have a better time without drinking, I remember all of it and when I leave the event I do not wonder if I pi$$ed any one off and in the morning I feel great.
But as Barb said, you may not be ready to stop yet, it took me 40 years of drinking before I was ready enought to become willing to do anything to get and stay sober.
I wish some one had told me 20 years before I quit to try some controled drinking to figure out if I was an alcoholic, but to be honest, I would not have quit then, I could have had the next 20 years laying right in front of me and I still would not of stopped.
I needed the all of the pain and shame of those 40 years of drinking to stop. My disease kept telling me it would not beat me up the next time I drank and it always did kick my butt any how!
If you are ready, you are ready, if your not, your not.
Everyone has a different bottom, our bottoms lie in our heads though and not in material things.
Since I quit I have been amazed to find out that MOST people outside of a drinking establishment do not drink and if they do they do not drink like I used to drink.
The first professinal football game I went to sober I noticed that the lines for sodas was actually longer then the beer lines and in looking around most people were drinking coffee, hot chocolate, or sodas.
I went to one of my daughters wedding reception and even though there was a keg there most of the people were drinking soda or tea.
If you want to have some good sober fun go to an AA party or dance, people laughing, cutting up, dancing and acting a fool and all without drinking.
You know I have found that not only do I have a better time without drinking, I remember all of it and when I leave the event I do not wonder if I pi$$ed any one off and in the morning I feel great.
But as Barb said, you may not be ready to stop yet, it took me 40 years of drinking before I was ready enought to become willing to do anything to get and stay sober.
I wish some one had told me 20 years before I quit to try some controled drinking to figure out if I was an alcoholic, but to be honest, I would not have quit then, I could have had the next 20 years laying right in front of me and I still would not of stopped.
I needed the all of the pain and shame of those 40 years of drinking to stop. My disease kept telling me it would not beat me up the next time I drank and it always did kick my butt any how!
If you are ready, you are ready, if your not, your not.
Everyone has a different bottom, our bottoms lie in our heads though and not in material things.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
For me I chose to get off the elevator a lot faster than many alcoholics, I did NOT always drink for the buzz or to get drunk and sometimes I could just have one beer.
I did not have a spiritual awakening or a down on your knees moment, as vane as this sounds I was not liking the weight I was putting on so I decided.. no more beer for me it wasnt' until I began cravings that I really realized ****.. maybe I have a problem here and then I began what I think every addict begins.. the testing phase.
It was very confusing to me because I could go out with friends and have ONE drink, still be sociable, enjoy that one drink and go home. However that line got crossed when I started to have my life ripped apart by my then husband and his addiction with crack and there began the "Abuse" of alcohol. I would go out with friends and have that one beer, but on the way home I was now stopping to pick up that 6 pack (later a 12, pack and later a case) and would continue my abuse of alcohol in private. At that time I figured it's ok, I just didn't want to be with people, as long as I wasn't hiding it, who was I hurting? Again more addict thinking. Again the weight gain and I decided to stop, again the cravings and NOW I finally understood. I was an alcoholic. There are many types of alcoholics I learned so everyone's experience in getting to this point might be similiar but results might be different.
My x father in law has been drinking a 12 pack daily for 40 years and he will tell you, yeah I have a drinking problem, so what, who do I hurt? And if you knew him you would see in reality he was only hurting himself. He was not an abusive man, in fact his wife will still to this day convince you (who is anyone to judge anyway) that she has no problem with his drinking aside from worrying about his health. I get very resentful over this because of my medical condition developed within JUST 5 years of this **** and here he is 66 years old, drinks like a fish, is fit as a fiddle, and his doctor says he's as healthy as he was at the age of 40??
I know this is horrible to say, but hell that's just not right.. being around him so much at that time really screwed with my head so I had to cut being around him
and put away my resentment and focus on myself.
Wow I'm full of words today.. lol
Now my dad is 62 years old. Each night about 20 minutes before bed he likes to have a small glass of scotch. One glass that's it, he's done that for about 30 years, and he's not about to give it up for anything and he'll tell you that, he doesnt' care if he's dependent on that one small glass a night or not, he likes it and that's that.
I accept that, one bottle lasts him 2 months and sometimes for xmas or his birthday one of us will get him a nice brand. Only you can decide if you have a problem and what path you will take.
Sometimes we have to go on that journey of discovery in order to find the right one.
I'd never advise you to start experimenting or testing yourself, I would just tell you to re-read your own post and you can see that you most likely already know that alcohol is a problem for you or you wouldn't be here.
Not every alcoholic has a bottom or war stories to prove they are an alcoholic.
Some of us may even actually have just stopped to AVOID a problem and through that learned we do.
Also you know it's ok to have these questions and thoughts, try not to beat yourself up over them, it's the actions that you choose that matter.
Lin
I did not have a spiritual awakening or a down on your knees moment, as vane as this sounds I was not liking the weight I was putting on so I decided.. no more beer for me it wasnt' until I began cravings that I really realized ****.. maybe I have a problem here and then I began what I think every addict begins.. the testing phase.
It was very confusing to me because I could go out with friends and have ONE drink, still be sociable, enjoy that one drink and go home. However that line got crossed when I started to have my life ripped apart by my then husband and his addiction with crack and there began the "Abuse" of alcohol. I would go out with friends and have that one beer, but on the way home I was now stopping to pick up that 6 pack (later a 12, pack and later a case) and would continue my abuse of alcohol in private. At that time I figured it's ok, I just didn't want to be with people, as long as I wasn't hiding it, who was I hurting? Again more addict thinking. Again the weight gain and I decided to stop, again the cravings and NOW I finally understood. I was an alcoholic. There are many types of alcoholics I learned so everyone's experience in getting to this point might be similiar but results might be different.
My x father in law has been drinking a 12 pack daily for 40 years and he will tell you, yeah I have a drinking problem, so what, who do I hurt? And if you knew him you would see in reality he was only hurting himself. He was not an abusive man, in fact his wife will still to this day convince you (who is anyone to judge anyway) that she has no problem with his drinking aside from worrying about his health. I get very resentful over this because of my medical condition developed within JUST 5 years of this **** and here he is 66 years old, drinks like a fish, is fit as a fiddle, and his doctor says he's as healthy as he was at the age of 40??
I know this is horrible to say, but hell that's just not right.. being around him so much at that time really screwed with my head so I had to cut being around him
and put away my resentment and focus on myself.
Wow I'm full of words today.. lol
Now my dad is 62 years old. Each night about 20 minutes before bed he likes to have a small glass of scotch. One glass that's it, he's done that for about 30 years, and he's not about to give it up for anything and he'll tell you that, he doesnt' care if he's dependent on that one small glass a night or not, he likes it and that's that.
I accept that, one bottle lasts him 2 months and sometimes for xmas or his birthday one of us will get him a nice brand. Only you can decide if you have a problem and what path you will take.
Sometimes we have to go on that journey of discovery in order to find the right one.
I'd never advise you to start experimenting or testing yourself, I would just tell you to re-read your own post and you can see that you most likely already know that alcohol is a problem for you or you wouldn't be here.
Not every alcoholic has a bottom or war stories to prove they are an alcoholic.
Some of us may even actually have just stopped to AVOID a problem and through that learned we do.
Also you know it's ok to have these questions and thoughts, try not to beat yourself up over them, it's the actions that you choose that matter.
Lin
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by mrsmurph 
Maybe I can? I really really want to. Everybody else can, maybe if I exercised a little willpower and self control instead of my old I don't give a fk attitude?
Ugh, I don't know what to do
Ugh, I don't know what to do
My self control and willpower landed me in jail...To make matters worse I got a DUI, first one, and lost my right to drive...The only thing I am grateful for is I didn't hurt anyone...
It was just one more nail in the coffin...That is where I am headed if I pick up again...I know that in my heart...
Have you suffered enough pain?
Have you truly surrendered?
Please join us on the path to recovery...
You can do this...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is a list of recovery programsas you feel AA is not for you
Yes...I did read your post in our 12 Step Forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Of course you are Welcome to post at SR
if you decide you need help.
Best of luck...
Last edited by CarolD; 09-14-2007 at 08:35 AM. Reason: Added Link
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
mrsmurph
None of us are perfect.
Gratefully we are told in how It Works "No one among us had ever maintained anything like perfect adhearence to these principles..We are not saints. The point is we are willling to grow along spiritual lines...Progress not perfection"
More hugs to you
None of us are perfect.
Gratefully we are told in how It Works "No one among us had ever maintained anything like perfect adhearence to these principles..We are not saints. The point is we are willling to grow along spiritual lines...Progress not perfection"
More hugs to you
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I have shared this before, but I walked into AA a few years ago and when I did it was with the intention TO LEARN TO DRINK BETTER! I planned to go for about 90 days and simply get my drinking "under control." I was going to return to the high class bar drinking and social situations as I had for so many years. It was the solitary drinking, the surreptitious drink when no one was watching that I was ashamed of. I could not even think about NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.
After those 90 days and actually listening to others "similar" to me tell about their lives, and meeting and observing people for whom life had not only improved, but was really good, that I decided that I was an alcoholic and came to believe that I could not drink again.
That has been a few days ago, and I still attend at least two meetings a week and try and help the newcomer in AA. I happen to frequent many venues where alcohol is served and is a part of the overall activities. I date ladies who drink and have found that it is ME THAT CAN'T DRINK, the rest of the folks are on their own.
If this is of any help; I was always going to stop drinking tomorrow, for almost 26 years, I just never got around to "tomorrow." After I came to realize that I couldn't drink I adopted the same attitude but in the reverse. For the past several years I HAVE RESERVED THE RIGHT TO DRINK, I KNOW THAT I CAN, HOWEVER WHEN I THINK ABOUT RETURNING I TELL MYSELF THAT I WILL DRINK TOMORROW!!
This way I haven't quit, just procrastinating, and I have a history of procrastination!!
Jon
After those 90 days and actually listening to others "similar" to me tell about their lives, and meeting and observing people for whom life had not only improved, but was really good, that I decided that I was an alcoholic and came to believe that I could not drink again.
That has been a few days ago, and I still attend at least two meetings a week and try and help the newcomer in AA. I happen to frequent many venues where alcohol is served and is a part of the overall activities. I date ladies who drink and have found that it is ME THAT CAN'T DRINK, the rest of the folks are on their own.
If this is of any help; I was always going to stop drinking tomorrow, for almost 26 years, I just never got around to "tomorrow." After I came to realize that I couldn't drink I adopted the same attitude but in the reverse. For the past several years I HAVE RESERVED THE RIGHT TO DRINK, I KNOW THAT I CAN, HOWEVER WHEN I THINK ABOUT RETURNING I TELL MYSELF THAT I WILL DRINK TOMORROW!!
This way I haven't quit, just procrastinating, and I have a history of procrastination!!
Jon
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
I think most of us in here at one time or another thought we could control our addictions. Its nothing new. We will hear it time, and time again from the newcomers. "Why can't I moderate my drinking like everyone else?" or "I can limit myself to just a few pills to feel normal".
Trying to rationalize the brain's addiction to dopamine (at least 5 times what we normally feel in daily life) is difficult. Most of us know that. Our brain wants to repeat that pleasure all the time.
But there comes a time when we ask how is this impacting our daily life. Are relationships suffering? Are opportunities vanishing? Are we happy?
The elevator makes stops on all floors to recovery. What will it take to make you WANT to quit?
Trying to rationalize the brain's addiction to dopamine (at least 5 times what we normally feel in daily life) is difficult. Most of us know that. Our brain wants to repeat that pleasure all the time.
But there comes a time when we ask how is this impacting our daily life. Are relationships suffering? Are opportunities vanishing? Are we happy?
The elevator makes stops on all floors to recovery. What will it take to make you WANT to quit?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 58
QUOTE: Have you suffered enough pain?
Have you truly surrendered?
It's true. I've had enough bottoms to make up a Baywatch episode but this one finally licked me. I hope you don't have to go too much further down to realise that health is more worth having than a slow painful demise into insanity and death.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Amelia x
Have you truly surrendered?
It's true. I've had enough bottoms to make up a Baywatch episode but this one finally licked me. I hope you don't have to go too much further down to realise that health is more worth having than a slow painful demise into insanity and death.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Amelia x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Originally Posted by DoingWell
Now my dad is 62 years old. Each night about 20 minutes before bed he likes to have a small glass of scotch. One glass that's it, he's done that for about 30 years, and he's not about to give it up for anything and he'll tell you that, he doesnt' care if he's dependent on that one small glass a night or not, he likes it and that's that.
I accept that, one bottle lasts him 2 months and sometimes for xmas or his birthday one of us will get him a nice brand. Only you can decide if you have a problem and what path you will take.
Also you know it's ok to have these questions and thoughts, try not to beat yourself up over them, it's the actions that you choose that matter.
Lin
Oh, how I wish it were different....
And sometimes, however sobriety has wonderful rewards. Maybe we ARE the lucky ones.
Jhana
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Well if you want to drink more than you want to quit then more than likely you will end up drinking.
i should have stopped drinking long before 1996 but lacked the willingness.When you are ready you will know it. We'll be here for you when you are.
i should have stopped drinking long before 1996 but lacked the willingness.When you are ready you will know it. We'll be here for you when you are.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hey, I'd LOVE to have a few glasses of wine and call it a night. I'd love to be able to keep bottles of wine in my house for any period of time for "company". I can't. I KNOW that.
Maybe you don't yet, and that's great. Maybe you don't have a problem with alcohol, but something brought you here.
I do know, that I've been concerned about my drinking and wondering if I might have a problem since I was in my early 20's and I'm 43 now. I waited to seek help until I was SURE that I had a problem..and I really wish that I couldn't been brave enough to stop back then.
Maybe you don't yet, and that's great. Maybe you don't have a problem with alcohol, but something brought you here.
I do know, that I've been concerned about my drinking and wondering if I might have a problem since I was in my early 20's and I'm 43 now. I waited to seek help until I was SURE that I had a problem..and I really wish that I couldn't been brave enough to stop back then.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hey Mrsmurph, I hope you find the answer. Because being undecided on your path is the painful part. If you are an alcoholic then you are in the right place. If not, try and control your drinking and see what happens. If you cant we'll be waiting here to help you.
At this point in the game there are no right and wrong decisions. There are just decisions. Follow your head and do what you think you need to do. Eventually you will be led to the right path.
Just ask yourself one question though. Would a `normal` drinker be having these sort of internal battles if they went a few days without a drink? Not on your nelly! I think you know in your heart you are on this old elevator....
At this point in the game there are no right and wrong decisions. There are just decisions. Follow your head and do what you think you need to do. Eventually you will be led to the right path.
Just ask yourself one question though. Would a `normal` drinker be having these sort of internal battles if they went a few days without a drink? Not on your nelly! I think you know in your heart you are on this old elevator....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 70
Thanks so much everyone.
I just don't feel I've been honest with myself about many things, drinking included. This week of clarity has shown me that
1. I can abstain and nothing terrible will happen.
2. Sodas do not make your face all puffy in the morning and your mouth taste like a dirty sock BLECH!
3. If not an alcoholic I am definitely a problem drinker.
4. I am not going to go to AA anymore. For some reason since I went I have been in crisis/end of the world mode. I need to think about why this is.
5. I plan to continue not drinking for a while, I don't know how long, maybe forever. If nothing else I need a break and to get my head on straight and wrapped around this.
6. I am living today, not tommorrow, not forever.
This group has helped me so much. You've listened to my rants, my stories, and offerred me such great advice, experience and wisdom. I hope I can continue to come here whether or not I drink, because in the end I just want to be in control, and for this not to get any worse, and I think that's a common goal of all of us here.
Have a great, sober, and relaxing weekend, whatever you do to achieve it.
I just don't feel I've been honest with myself about many things, drinking included. This week of clarity has shown me that
1. I can abstain and nothing terrible will happen.
2. Sodas do not make your face all puffy in the morning and your mouth taste like a dirty sock BLECH!
3. If not an alcoholic I am definitely a problem drinker.
4. I am not going to go to AA anymore. For some reason since I went I have been in crisis/end of the world mode. I need to think about why this is.
5. I plan to continue not drinking for a while, I don't know how long, maybe forever. If nothing else I need a break and to get my head on straight and wrapped around this.
6. I am living today, not tommorrow, not forever.
This group has helped me so much. You've listened to my rants, my stories, and offerred me such great advice, experience and wisdom. I hope I can continue to come here whether or not I drink, because in the end I just want to be in control, and for this not to get any worse, and I think that's a common goal of all of us here.
Have a great, sober, and relaxing weekend, whatever you do to achieve it.
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