chip

I'm worried about having a relapse. I've been going to meetings almost every day.

Here's some stuff that makes me concerned:
- I recently connected with some old friends from university... and my mind started working (in the bad way that my mind sometimes works). Next thing I know I'm missing the "good times".
- I'm getting increased drinking thoughts.
- I'm under a large amount of stress right now, and I'm not very happy.
- I'm disappointed with my job, and I feel trapped in my career. I feel this way, but I'm not willing to do anything to change it.
- I recently shared with an employee who approached me about their alcohol problem. I invited them to attend a meeting with me sometime if they are afraid to go alone. I worry that they are making fun of me behind my back.
- I keep getting irrational fears and anxiety.

I feel a bit better after writing this stuff.

It's time for chip to go to bed. "this too shall pass". I'm feeling down, and I'm having some stupid thinking problems.....

Here's a big issue for me:
- I feel like people (at work) don't respect me. I'm parinoid that they all know I'm an alcoholic, and they see me as being weak.
chip

dreamingaurora

I feel you on the relapse, I hang around people who drink and I get anxious when there's nothing non-alcoholic to drink.. I either go outside and smoke a cigarette or go drive to get something without alcohol.. It usually calms my nerves... I would suggest exercise too... maybe a dog or a cat? I'm a very anxious person at all costs and it bugs me sometimes but then I think about the positive things in my life.. I pray pray pray and pray too... Writing in a journal (almost) every night helps as well..

Keep your head up chip!! We're all in this together and will get out together!!

barb dwyer

**************** CHIP }}}}}}}}}

sweetie, sweetie ... BREATHE ... ok?

Man, I don't know what I'd do without you around. I open the forum .. and see "CHIP" posting someplace or the other - hell, I go straight there, hon!
I hope I'm as self- aware as you are when *I* grow up.

First -
What's yer sponsor sayin?

Second -
I was taught that stress ... is in and of itself a symptom.
It's the BODY talking.
It's a 'language' of sensation we've learned to interpret over the course of our lives.

Just like ... when the BODY needs fuel .. we feel 'hunger'.
A sensation. We 'feel' tht feeling ... we know we need to eat.
YOU may not feel what *I* feel ... but we each know 'it' has 'hunger'.

The longer we wait - the louder the body 'talks'.
When dehydrated .. the body 'tells' us by the sensation of thirst.
Same thing. As the need grows, the sensation (volume) raises.

Stress -
I was taught -
is the signal that the body isn't receiving adequate LIFE FORCE.
Spirit. LIVING-NESS.
The events of life (job friends relationship, bills, etc.) is using up our living-ness.... could be even burning it up ... but the body isn't being replenished.
So it tenses up. Tries to slow the output in the only way the body can feel livingness. Energy output. But of several aspects at once. Emotional, Mental, Physical ...

It tries to hold on to what's left. When it does that - suddenly your timing goes to hell. We get short tempered. OUR point of perception shifts ... from INSIDE ourselves, looking out ... to OUTSIDE the self... looking for validation from those around us.

Spirit .... HP ... LIVINGNESS ... *IS* our 'center. The Source.

The 'treatment' may be no more than making time to watch a sunset. To 'stop the world' long enough to listen to your favorite music, (or speaker tape), pet the dog, go through the photo album ....get a haircut, go to the bookstore.... *shrug*
Or take a nap long enough to remember what you dreamed.

Now, you wrote something that REALLY got me -

CHIP !!!! hon !!!!
You're MISSING That?!?!?!?!!!
ok - I might have a cure for that one -
go sit out in yer garage.
like you wrote about doing when you were drinking.
just go out and sit out there for a bit.

How far have you come?

You ... are NOT weak, my man.
Since when does somebody thinking you're 'weak' ...
make you actually 'weak' ?
The saying goes , 'As a man thinketh - so is he,.'
not, " As everybody else thinketh about the man ... so he probably is"...

Chip - you''re great.
I completely enjoy your input here.
Ain't a damn thing weak about YOUR caliber of honesty.

And I'm sorry this is so long.
barb

SaTiT

I don't belive in relapsed warning.
You're either going to drink or you're not.

Recvoery is not always easy and I don't feel spiritual all the time.
I use the simple tool of "don't drink no matter what"
My sponsor drilled that into my head..lol

I might sink or relaspsed into my old emotion or thoughts,
but that's why there's tools and the steps and the principles
of the steps to help me get through the hard times.

In my hearts of heart I have no desire to drink.
It dosn't matter what I dream or what kind of stinking thinking i
might get into sometimes...i'm human
what people say or do..I have no control over.

I just follow my heart.
I'm just taking it oneday at a time like I've always had.
Sometimes i still take it a half of a day at a time
Sometimes i just live in the moment.
F-it..sometimes i just trun everything over becuase it's too much
for me to handle. i get tired too..so if god wanna step up to the
plate and take a swing at it. god can have a nut..

Tazman53

Chip do you really remember ALL the good times?

I have found just putting stuff down on paper lets me see things for what they really are and not what the committee in my head is trying to convince me they are.

Get a sheet of paper and write down every good time you had drinking...... ah! Ah! AH! they only count as a good time if when you wake up in the morning and you feel good and the memories of the drinking and the results are all good!

Next get a tablet of paper and write down all the times you woke up the next day feeling like hell, either wondering what you did when you were drinking or regretting what you did.

Put them next to each other & then ask your self "Looking at my track record does drinking really lead me to "Good times" or is that just the committee in my head lying to me again?"

Chip you know darn well that what other people think or don't think about you is not what matters, how you feel about yourself is what matters, do you want to go back to feeling like you used to feel about yourself?

Dude I know you well enough from what you share here that you will ride this out, you and your HP need to step up to the head of that committee table and tell those idiots to shutup and stop lying, you know the truth!

Music

Yeah, I always felt better calling my sponsor or someone in the program when I started feeling weird. Back then there weren't many PCs so the telephone was more widely used. Try calling someone on a daily basis, even if things are ok and see how you feel.

Pilgrim

Hi Chip.

I know what you mean. I get those times quite often. It's that rat.

My suggestion is to read the Chapter in the BB about working with others. The cornerstone of our recovery lies in helping others. "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics...."

We can get well again regardless of anyone or anything. The only condition is that we trust in our HP and clean house. You are in the hands of your HP. You don't have anything to worry about any more. Might as well not worry then huh?

We are all in this together.

mike_mass

Go to meetings and share what you shared here.

earthmama

Hi Chip -

I know you are coming up to your 2 year birthday...I just passed mine, and I felt a lot like you do while it was approaching. The stress of life felt like too much, and I felt like if I could just have that "escape" that a drink would bring me, I would feel SO much better. Thank GOD after two years of sobriety, I can recognize that thought for what it is....a glimmer of the insanity that used to rule my life. I had to really focus on the first step....I am POWERLESS over alcohol....and no matter how badly I wanted to, I knew that if I just didn't take a drink, somehow I would end up on the other side a little stronger and still sober.

Actually, it was during that time that I discovered this board. I go to meetings with a lot of old timers, and it's hard for me to find someone there to sponsor, etc. I came to sober recovery hoping I could share with newcomers and work with others a bit. And you know what? It helped. It seems that whenever I follow directions, things sort themselves out.

Thanks for your honesty. Keep reading and keep sharing. We are very happy that you are HERE

caraway

Sounds like you need a holiday to me! Shame you couln't take a break and chill! Hope you're feeling stronger soon.

chip

Thanks for the replies.

I was in a bit of a funk when I started this thread. I'm not going to relapse....today.

Here's some thoughts I've been having after attending a meeting...

AA is here for the "still suffering alcoholic". Often the people who are drinking arn't suffering. Often the alcoholics who are suffering the most are those of us who are sober.

I feel like I'm suffering at times in sobriety. I feel like I'm being brought to my knees. I hope I can find some use for times like these. The answer came to me in the meeting I attended this afternoon: Work on my program.

I told my old university buddy that I'm a recovering alcoholic. I think this was important to me. It shuts the door of getting together and drinking for old times sake....

I still feel really bad about my work. There is nothing I can do about this right now. I have to let go and let God.

Thank you for your support. I'm going to hang in here for another 24. I hope everyone else here has a sober 24 hours as well.
chip

barb dwyer

******** CHIP }}}} glad to hear it!!!

Signal30

Chip,

Talk to your sponsor about everything that is bothering you. If you do not have a sponsor, GET ONE!!!

Your sponsor can help you 4th step issues. I have to constantly use the tools AA has given me when it comes to my job. I seem to use those AA tools more for my job than anything else most of the time.

Tom

collinsmi

Every time I went out, it was with a sense of optimism and relief. No more fooling around with meetings, no sanctimonious sponsors, and I got to do the thing I loved. Maybe you're farther than you think. Also, every time I went back out, I'd given up even presenting the appearance of going to AA and working a program.

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)

Mega Hugs and Prayers Chip

chip

Thanks for being here for me friends (((hugs)))

You kind people continue to help me out in my times of need.

I'm feeling much more positive today. Drinking or smoking pot arn't options in my life. Throwing myself into my program will help me stay sober.

There's been alot of good things said here.

In terms of preventing relapse, I need to really make sure I "got program" all day and everyday.
chip

Pilgrim

Hi Chip.

I am pleased to hear you are feeling more positive today.

Working the programme = this thread. Primary purpose - spreading the word.

You have helped me Chip. I face these times too.

Thank you.

Octoman

Hi Chip
I read your story the other day and was struck by 2 things. Fistly, how well you articulated your gradual collapse, the way you felt, what you did, what it meant to your sense of self. Secondly how you had clearly come to terms with your problem and found the right path to recovery.

I dont think that has left you. When you have a chance re-read your story and try to see it with fresh eyes. Try to remember - really remember - how it felt to obsessively create rules and consistently break them (this stuck with me because I did the same thing). The endless sense of torment. The disappointment of drinking all night before returning to work (also done that one). Picture yourself back there and see if you can recall how it felt ...

Hang touch Chip. Your story has inspired me in my own early recover - it really has. This sounds like a tough patch but you can see this one through. i know it.

barb dwyer

hey ****{Chip}}}

just checkin in - I love it 'Got Program?" ... LOL

Pinkcuda

The only people at work that give me any lip are the ones who themselves also have a problem with alcohol. They want what I have but don't have the guts to do what I did. Everyone else understands and respects my decision.
Some of them will say, "Quitter", and I'll respond with "when did you say you get your license back".
They remind me of me. In fact, everything they do and say sounds like everything I did and said years ago. It's scary! It's almost word for word.
One thing to remember, an alcoholic that can quit drinking is by no means, "Weak". They are some of the strongest people I know. Can a "weak" person spit in the Devils eye and send him to hell where he belongs?