madscientist

Hey everyone. I'm just shy of 60 days sober now, been trying to get to a couple meetings a week, but still having an awfully hard time with coming to grips with everything.

I've got that horrendously large part of the me I hear when everything else is quiet, asking why I even care to be sober. Why the drinking could be the real problem when I still feel a ton worse (physically, mentally, everything) even after this long (yes, I know, time is extremely relative). It seems to take so much energy just to continuously combat this part of me, that I'm constantly exhausted, which I know doesn't help.

Anyone out there had this happen? No pink cloud, just one big ol' thunderstorm after you stopped? How the heck do I keep fighting myself... maybe even moreso, why do I keep fighting myself....

nandm

Wow, at 60 days sober my head was still spinning. Although I had hope it was still at times a struggle to see there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Your statement reminded me of those feelings. Thanks, I need to remember how bad it felt during that time. One thing to remember here is that it takes 90 days for the brain to start healing after a person stops drinking. This is a good article to read regarding the brain and alcohol http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...0436-4,00.html

When I say my head was spinning it is because that is what it felt like. It would not stop, quite times were the worst because my brain still kept going. I did a lot of driving around during that time as it was one of the few things I could do to slow the insanity. It sounds like you already know that the physical thing will pass with time. I have heard it takes 5 years to completely detox. My experience has been similiar to that although I did see some relief by about 90 days. One thing that helped was ensuring I was eating right and taking a vitamin supplement. B vitamins are very important to the recovering alcoholic as alcohol inhibits the absorption of these essential nutrients. The vitamins will help with your energy levels. You also should check in with your doctor. You might be a little anemic or have some other health issue contributing to your exhaustion. It is not uncommon for a recovering alcoholic.

I can completely relate to thunderstorm after I stopped. Only I think mine was more like a lightening storm at times. I have my story posted here if you want more details on why I feel that way. It is not practical to put the details here.
The Big Book does state in the chapter "Into action" paragraph 84 "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned." This is in reference to where we should be after step 10. I do not know how far you are along in the steps but you if you have not started working them with a sponsor yet you probably should consider it. I know for me they helped a lot, putting down the drink was only a part of my problem. The other is learning how to live life without drinking.

Good to see your post. Keep up the work as most find it well worth it in the end. Remember that many times the trials only make us stronger and give us more faith and confidence that we can get through the tough times. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Thank you for the thought provoking post.

chip

Welcome to the forum, madscientist.

Congrats on 60 days! For an alcoholic, that's a long time! I'm an alcoholic as well, and I can remember how I felt at 60 days. It wasn't pretty for me either.

Today, in my AA group, we spoke about the "bondage of self". I can relate to what you say about fighting one's self.

I'm not sure when it happened for me, but at some point I had to completely surrender the fight. I prayed for the willingness to give up the self battle, and when I could do this, I started finding a bit of peace. I went back and really worked on the first step. I find that the quality of my sobriety depends heavily on the quality of my surrender. Drinking is no longer an option for me. Once I really accepted this, things got easier.

Today, when those voices come up, I tell them to "shut up". I counter these thoughts with prayer to my HP. This helps me.

Anyway, I hope you'll keep up the good work. Ever hear of PAWS? You may be experiencing some of these symptoms. There is a sticky in this forum that was helpful to me. PAWS is really tough to deal with...

I hope this difficult time passes for you. I hope you'll stick with us, and continue in your recovery.
chip

laurenlanai25

this may be weird, but i stopped fighting when i stopped putting so much thought into!! i just kept it simple and did whatever i had to do for that moment!!

snowgoose

Hi, MadSci, good to hear from you even if it is about your early sobriety pain. Actually I am convinced it helps to share it - well, that works for me. My early recovery had periods of pink cloud and periods of similar pain.... and that was the case although my drinking pattern (nearly daily but only the equivalent of 2 1/2 cans of beer) meant I didn't have to medically detox and I probably had a relatively easy time of it. STILL there was a lot of anguish early on. I recall it being especially hard at 60 days, when I thought I was nuts and shared that in a meeting. Someone said I was "right where I was supposed to be", which mystified me at the time.

I like what Chip said, especially how he identified those voices - recognized them for what they were and told them to shut up. In my later study of alcoholism, I read that the booze is still leaving your system for the first 90 days, and I've even read elsewhere that it is for six months.

Sending hugs your way. Blessings from the Snowgoose.

justinb33

When im not drinking the positives are,

1. I dont have anxity
2. Im not deppresed
3. My adhd medication actually works
4. I get dates or keep can keep a girl
5. i commucicate with people better
6. Im not angry.........etc

so with all the positives and even going months at a time I always seem to be drawn back to it. It starts by me going to happy hour and having a couple beers and having a great time. By the time the week is up im going to happy hour everynight and drinking as many as i can in 2 hours and unstead of being social and happy I become angry and withdrawn. I'll go 3 months with no promblems not drinking but im alaways drawn back thinking im missing out on somthing and always relize I missed out on nothing. If i had any self control I could have a good time having a few drinks but apparently I dont. Im 31 and most of freinds have been drinking buddies and trying to find freinds that dont drink and arent boring is hard. Great site this is my first time on here it will be good to here other people and how they deal with it.

GrouchoTheCat

Welcome to SR Justin,

Yes, when I don't drink my life is better too!

Sober 6 weeks now and grateful to be sober.

Have a coffee (just made a new pot) and stick around. You will meet many great folks here.

Ted

laurenlanai25

hey! if i had self control when it came to alcohol, i wouldnt need aa and i wouldnt be an alcoholic!! i know i miss drinking sometimes too, the duis, the acting like an idiot, blacking out, spending money i dont have on going out, being the "fun girl" ie falling off stages at clubs, random hook ups that result in calling them "bftn" boy from tuesday night, almost losing my job, having all my friends mad at me for acting like a b sometimes.... lets go to the bar, sounds like fun now! hahahhaha

CarolD

Hmmm..
You may not be aware of PAWS....

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

I found Step work immensley rewarding.

It took me many meetings to
relax and enjoy sobriety.

Blessings

chip

Welcome to the forum, Justinb33

It sounds like the positives of sobriety outweigh the positives of drinking for you.

I hope you can find something to help you here.
peace,
chip

Tazman53

Welcome to SR scientist. I want to first address the above...... in reality you are not fighting yourself, you are fighting your disease!!!!

I have a committee in my head, when I was drinking the commitee was chaired by alcohol and controled my life, the committee had a primary purpose because of who was chairing it and that was to drink, every decision the committee made was geared towards fueling my alcoholism more no matter what harm it did to me or others!

For the last 10 years of my drinking I would try and take control of the committee in my head and not let alcohol control my life, the problem was I never changed any members of the committee in my head, the members of my committee were me, myself, anger, fear, my pride, resentments and of course alcohol & a few others. As long as I kept the same committee members alcohol always pushed me out of the chair position and took back over and I drank again.

Once I totally surrendered to my alcoholism I regained the chair of that committee in my head, at this point in time I came to beleive that a Power greater then myself could restore me to sanity, suddenly there appeared in the board room in my head an empty chair at the table the committee in my head met at.

Once I reached the point where I began to become willing to turn the chairmanship of the committee in my head over to my HP that empty chair was filled and things began to get a lot better in my life and in the committee meeting.

With my HP heading up the committee in my head I began to listen to him, every time alcohol, me, myself, anger, fear, my pride, resentments or others try to take the chair away from my HP he quickly shuts them up...... as long as I do not take over the chair, which I rarely do any more because I am learning that every time I push my HP aside at the head of the committee in my head things do not go right.

I have worked the steps with my sponsor, I live the steps the best I can, I work the steps with my sponsee, and continue to work steps with my sponsor, this keeps me spiritually fit and keeps my HP at the head of the committee that mets in my head and my life is good.

snowgoose

How ya doing, MadSci?

Hugs from the Snowgoose.