chimineria

Hi
OK – I'll try this one more time (got timed out on last attempt to post)

I come here and read almost every day, but haven’t really posted since the emotionally raw
and physically sick days of early withdrawal. Guess I figure I am still in
that "shut up and listen" stage. Have managed to stitch together 20 days in a
row (and only a few minor slips in the past 60) – and have even forced myself through the
doors of AA (have a temporary sponsor, a BB and some numbers) - not in small
part due to the ESH I have read on these boards.

Today though I received what feels like a bit of a gut punch and I am trying not to let it turn into a
burning resentment that convinces me to chuck all the hard work and drink. Called a few people
but it is a holiday and no one seems to be around right now, so I thought I would come on line,
“talk” things out and ask for advice.

A few years back some mutual friends reconnected an “old flame” and I, after he had experienced
a difficult loss. We’d had a close but somewhat tumultuous relationship when we were in graduate
school together – I think we both cared about one another a great deal, but we were young, insecure,
stressed-out, in debt and both products of extremely dysfunctional families (and thus both absolutely
clueless as to what an adult relationship should look like) so we made a mess of it.

Anyway we exchanged a couple of long letters making peace with the past and since then have maintained
a steady email correspondence for a few years now.
I’ll admit that gradually I found myself falling
for him all over again – but I also knew that I was in no position to be in a relationship right now so I did not act on that. (He knows where I am at
with recovery).

Today I got an email from him – complaining about what a pain it was to deal with wedding
preparations. HIS wedding preparations … seems that he and his girlfriend are finally
tying the knot. First I’d heard of this --- first I’d heard of her.

My initial reaction was to be really angry with him – forcing myself to sit and think about it
though, I realized a lot of that emotion was disappointment (I didn’t get what I wanted) and
anger at myself (for letting alcohol take me so far astray from the promise of the person I was
when we first met) … so I managed not to fire off any of those cutting words that you can’t
take back, which is what I would have done in my younger angrier days.

I am still bothered quite a bit by the fact that he “forgot” to mention the existence
of such a significant relationship --- I feel like he has been dishonest with both me
and his fiancé (kind of in the way men who remove their wedding bands on business
trips are). I feel like I should call him on this – that I should stand up for myself,
but I am not sure if I am over reacting or just using it as an excuse to vent other
feelings ( the "selective truth" thing does dig up an old hurt as well - that maybe
I wasn't as over with as I thought).

For today at least I have avoided using this as an excuse to drink myself sick – I just want
to be sure to keep it that way. Sorry to ramble on. Suggestions?


-P

Buffalo66

your stress and pain over this will still be there,tomorrow, if you choose to drink tonight. Think back. Remember all the times you drank to ease some discomfort.

for me, i began to fall and drink to ease the pain of my relationship, and just ended up with guilt, less self respect....etc.

I know you can do this. its hard to really live life, but it is a brave choice, and i want you to know that i am here, tonight, making the same choice to face pain and discomfort, and try to see it as a gift of life, to learn from.and, hell, if you cant work it out, then fake it til tomorrow, and know that you can respect yourself more for hangin in.

We are all really just children trying to be big people in this world, and your God sees you this way, and your God wants you to feel loved, and to trust yourself. it will take a little work tonight. i am here, too, trying, and maybe faking it a little until tomorrow, when i can say, i did not drink.

todd6138

No real advice except call your sponsor but i want to congratulate you on your decision not to drink and you sober time way to go! labor day is a great enough excuse to drink and i am glad to be spared the hell of starting over again i have four months + and i don't want another chip unless I am moving forward hang in there

snowgoose

Ouch ouch ouch. Nothing I say is gonna make this hurt less. All I can do is sympathize and commend you on the steps you've taken so far. I will share that I have had more hurtful situations of this magnitude in sobriety than I ever had while drinking. I haven't a clue why. But I have not had to drink over them. I've reacted by immediately getting myself to multiple meetings - that seems to be my first response to that sick lump in the pit of my stomach - and sharing in whatever way seems appropriate, because I find that others take away some of my pain on their shoulders when I let them (by sharing). For various reasons, your sponsor, even a temporary one if that's all you can get in a hurry, might be the best person with whom to share initially.

I know from reading your post that you sense that the only person you would hurt by getting drunk is yourself. Others will be by soon with more good advice.

Blessings and hugs from the Snowgoose.

GlassPrisoner

Congrats on your sober time, and especially walking into the doors of AA. I remember your user name, BTW.

As far as E-mailing you "behind his fiancées back". What he does is, I'm sorry to say, none of your business. You just worry about you and your recovery.

As far as him not telling you. Well, did you ask if he was in a relationship or dating ?

As far as the disappointment. ((Chimineria))) Yeah, that sucks. Nothing is harder on an alkie than getting our hopes up and having them smashed. Remember too that alkies have a habit of seeing what we want to , and building things up in our head. Even 10 months in, I can still fall into wishful thinking, even delusion. At least you didn't drink over it.

Suggestions ? Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, help a newcomer......

That, and Pray over it. Pray admitting you are powerless not only over alcohol, but over relationships too. Turn it over and let it go. Say a prayer for him, remembering that he may be sick too. Whatever you do, don't obsess. yeah, I know, easy for me to say.

nolonger

Hi chimineria - no good advice, except what everyone else said. Hang in there. Write about it. Don't drink.

So true.

BP44

Well, I'm just gonna be blunt. Yes, it was a shock when I realized that most people went on with their lives when I went down with alcohol. What a shock it is to learn you aren't the center of the universe or his. We weren't available for the people in our lives and some of them simply moved on. Here's what my sponsor would tell me. I can hear it already. It's not all about me. He would say that I probably already have amends to make to them when we get there, so the best thing I can do is leave them alone. And to make matters even more cutting he would tell me that for some of the people of our past, the best thing we can do for them is to stay out of their lives we've done enough damage already. Not sure if this fits. But that's how it hits me.

CarolD

Welcome Back chimineria!
Congratulations on your sober time

This is from "God Grant Me The Laughter"
published by Hazelton years ago
I am sorry for your hurt
the cad is not worthy of you.

Prayer helps me immensley.

Tazman53

chimenaria I have found that keeping my side of the street clean is the only thing I have control over, I have found that accepting the trash or percieved trash on the other side of the street is the best way to deal with things like this, I just accept the fact that I have no control over the other side of the street or the trash I think I see over there.

There is nothing wrong with feeling some hurt over something like this, but is a resentment really in order or worth it? Your HP obviously has some others plans for you, control what you have control over, keep your side of the street clean, keep the resentments out of the picture, the more resentments I maintain the less room there is for my HP to be there for me.

SaTiT

Give yourself a break. At 22 days, seriouly I didn't take anything too seriouly,
especailly myself. Not everything was clear and I had a hell of a time trying
to sort out my emotions. Well, becuase i didn't even know what i was feeling
to begin with.

Sound like your doing it, reaching out, going to meetings.
That's bascailly how I do it.

it's about as normal as it can get. We tried to fill that void with people
places and things when we first get clean and sober.
Okay, now you're starting to feel or see that certain things just don't
work. That why i keep a journal.lol

For me. I just have to apply what i learned. I didn't know much about
recovery and all the tools. So step #1 I had to learned it and understand
it better and sometimes life just throws situations at me so I can practice it.lol
You know, I'm powerless over alcohol and I wanted to control my drinking.

Eventaully an oldtimer came along and told me "I'm powerless over
people, place and things also."

I pray like heck for the obsession to drink to be removed from me.
Guess what ?...I pray like heck for the obession to control people,
place and things to be removed from me.

Fluttering

welcome back!!!

you are on the right track by writing and posting.. Stay with it.

Congradulations on your sober time.

At 20 days, 60 days ...even at 200 days..i was in no condition to be ina realtionship...and had heard to stay out of them until I had at least one year...i did not pay attention to the suggestion... I "thought" it owuld be ok..I was nearly killed, first fromthe abuse, then from the heartache of betrayal.

Today looking back I do understand my part...I did not have a clue what I had to offer, nor did I know what I wanted in relationship.

I had drank & used other things for so long...I was too sick to even be by mmyself, let alone with anyone...I had to UNcover, Discover and to Discard many things before i was even remotely ready to jump in nay kind of relationship.
this was only my expereince..

Continie on and focus on your recovery..when the time is right HP will place the right person in your life

Pls keep posting and let us know how you are getting along
Many Hugs

GrouchoTheCat

Immerse yourself in AA. Make new healthy relationships.

It is suggested that no new relationships be undertaken in the first year.

Relationships do more to mess with our heads and emotions...

Best to have a firm foundation first.

Jfanagle

One of my many favorite AA quips was "HOLDING ON TO A RESENTMENT IS LIKE DRINKING POISON AND THEN WAITING FOR THE OTHER GUY TO DIE!"

There are certainly reasons that we as AA folk have all these slick little sayings and I am convinced that we usually make things so complicated that those who came before us just condensed the "truth" into one liners.

Jon

GrouchoTheCat

How about:

Lighting myself on fire and waiting for the other guy to die of smoke inhallation!

chimineria

Thanks for all of your inputs and advice – even if some of it was stuff I didn’t want
to hear it was all valuable and worthy of consideration.

After some prayer and reflection – I came realize that it wasn’t so much the recent
events that I had been reacting to, but rather the fact I had still been carrying around a500lb
resentment against “M”. The current situation reminded me enough of that one that all
the old feelings came rushing back.

Not worth hashing through all the details … but it involved an engagement (this time
mine) and not being open/straightforward about certain things. (What can I say – we had
a long and complicated history). It was a much stickier and messier situation than the
current one – and people wound up getting very hurt and very angry.

I would guess – no I am certain – that I carried my this anger forward into other relationships
(claws drawn, fangs bared) for some time. I’ll suppose that will all come up later when
I am working the steps huh?

To be fair to “M” – a few months ago he did give me a written apology for what happened.
I thought I had been able to forgive and let go of it – obviously not.

I realize now that it was both stupid and extremely detrimental to have stuffed this emotion
inside of me so long (you are correct Jfanagle – exactly like drinking poison and expecting
the other guy to die) – so I listened
to what you all have said and this morning I got down
on my knees and thanked God for all the positive things “M” has brought into my life and
then asked God to help me let him go.

Then I did as Anvilhead suggested and sent him a note offering my congratulations and
went about the business of letting the rest of our “graduate student family” know the news
as “M” had asked me to.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt (and I didn’t necessarily LIKE doing all of it) -- but it does
mean I did or said nothing I need to regret and better yet I didn’t have to drink over it.

CarolD

Good for you!...

Forward we go...side by side