what was your bottom?
 

What made you seek help? go to AA?


I wonder if you could give a brief paragraph of what your bottom was. I really need help to understand. I feel like i have hit mine, but I feel somehow shallow in comparison. I am just curious...your bottom came when...

Everyones bottom is different. The circumstances that drove me to AA could be vastly worse or far less than what you've experienced. It's not about what happens to you though, it's about how you feel. I mean, you can't say "Bottom is when you lose X wifes, Y cars, and Z houses. Oh, and go to jail W times"

That said, AA was for me, the last house on the block. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. I couldn't drink (because of the trouble I'd get into) , and I couldn't not drink (Because of withdraw, and because I just couldn't leave it alone even if I made it through WD) I really wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

It took a pretty severe (for me) kick in the ass for me to swallow my pride and walk in those doors. And, by the Grace of God, I listened to what they said, and followed their suggestions. Following advice is a miracle in of itself, I NEVER took anyones advice prior to that.

Everyone's bottom is different. What matters the most is what you feel. If you feel you are at the bottom then that is what is important. I have met people whose bottom was living under bridges and I have also met people who at their bottom still owned million dollar homes.

For me when I hit my bottom, I was still making over $30/hour. Setting my own work schedule. Lived in a nice home. Drove a nice vehicle. Still had all the "look good" going on. But on the inside I was a disaster. I was scared, hurt, angry, anxious, fearful, never felt good enough, felt like an actor even when around the people closest to me, and so many other things that I could not even begin to list here. I knew that drinking was killing everyone around me and making things worse but I did not know how to live life without it.

Well, that is my 2 cents worth.

u reach your bottom when u stop digging!! you dont have to let it get that bad before u stop! some of us need that, but there are also many high bottom drunks too!! my sponsor got sober at 15 and is now 34!! so far she has not relapsed!!

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, literally. I still had all the “stuff” IE. House, cars, my business, it was still there on the day I stopped. I had it all, except me, I had lost myself! I was sitting on the edge of the diving board of our backyard pool and my live in girlfriend was out on a date. It wasn't that she was so fed up with me that she was openly dating that made me so despondent, it WAS THAT I UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE WAS AND I DIDN"T BLAME HER!

I finished my bottle of Canadian Club that night and went to AA the next day that was 8 years ago. I still have a friendship with the lady and most importantly I like who I shave in the morning.

Jon

That is an awesome post Jfanagle...

Thats interesting jfangle. There was a time when I felt I had lost myself. I sort of didn't really appreciate how bad it was until I sobered up and I sort of felt I was disappearing, sort of ceasing to exist. Like my soul was dying and my body just a shell. The realisation at that time wasn't the horror of what I was doing to anyone else but the horror of what I was doing to myself. I say 'horror' because at the time it seemed very profound and I'm not putting it very well here. I realised I wasn't valuing myself or taking care/looking after myself. Of course you've got to really bother with yourself before you can bother with anyone else properly. That was some years ago and I've drank since then and stopped again, sort of some steps forward and some steps back, but I'm so much better now that I realised what I was doing. Its been a slow but gradual improvement since then.

My long term depression is why I began AA.

This is not true for everyone...however...:)

By 3 months of abstinance ..depression had vanished.
No med's necessary and it has not returned in 18+ years.

Blessings

The idea of a "bottom" can be harmful, I think, at least if we keep drinking to see when it happens. It's amazing how much humiliation and pain we can put ourselves through before we decide *this* is the bottom.

My own life had gotten better as I struggled to stay sober, and I was staying sober enough to hold down a good job, stay in a relationship, and even own a house, all things I had been unable to do while drinking heavily. But I was still struggling, and struggling alone, with the obsession to drink, the guilt when I gave in, and so on. So one sorry drunk morning I said "this would be a lot easier if I just talked to some other people about it." That was my magic moment--more of a "duh" moment than a horrible bottom. It's been much, much better ever since.

Your bottom is truly an 'inside' job.

It matters not what you posess, what you don't posess.

It's how you feel, deep inside.

Me, I just couldn't live that way anymore. I hated the way I was. I hated being drunk. Problem was I couldn't stop, and I hated that too...

So I asked for help, and that has made all the difference.

Ted

Some interesting responses here. I had learned to drink when married to an alcoholic (I didn't know that was what it was until later) who would call me a candyass if I wouldn't drink with him. He was mentally and physically abusive and an attorney so doubly difficult to deal with. (Could and would turn around and make everything my fault, then seemed to have the wherewithal to make it stick, being connected in the legal community.)

Thus I discovered that alcohol would make my pain go away. In retrospect, I had been suffering from anxiety since teenage years. I did escape from the marriage and didn't have to keep drinking, did I? But became a nearly-daily closet drinker since neither bar drinking nor drinking and driving suited my style. This went on for years.

I had the proverbial house and two cars in the driveway when I began to notice that I was asking my coworker whether he could smell booze on me from the night before. And a radio station where I had worked had an AA Public Service Announcement on which an actress said "...and I was losing my looks", in describing her fall from grace with alcohol. I looked in the mirror and realized that the reason I was plastering makeup over my normally peaches-and-cream complexion, was exactly that.

Also, I was no longer learning new things, looking forward to and enjoying life. I had failed at the typical alcoholic control devices like banning hard liquor and sticking to beer. I began to know that I had a scary secret problem. There was a lot of disgraceful behavior that was possible for an alcoholic that I really really did not want to experience. So there were no blackouts, no sexual misbehaviors and no arrests. Some call that kind of statement your "not yets". Nope, don't and didn't want to go there. Scared enough. Disappearing into the bottle. Couldn't put down the bottle by myself and knew it.

Was scared to go to AA but knew the program via Alanon and loved it, finally did it and haven't had to live in that abyss since, One Day at a Time. They called me a high bottom drunk but I've had such a typical recovery in so many ways that I don't even think that. I'm one more person who got lucky before the classic bottom of skid row or jail.

Thanks for asking.
Snowgoose.

Welcome to the forum, adobe. Thanks for starting this useful thread.

There's been some incredible replies here.

I tend to agree with people who say a "bottom" is a personal thing. We all know that alcoholism is progressive. That means the "bottom" will just keep getting lower and lower as long as we drink.

We know alcoholism can end 3 ways:
1) Death
2) Institutions (jail, hospitials, long term care etc....)
3) Abstainence

I chose #3 when I hurt enough. I believe if I didn't stop, I would eventualy come to #1 or #2.

Which one do you want to do?

My "bottom" came when I realized that I didn't want to go any lower. I felt hopeless. I still can go lower, if I drink again, but I don't want to. This was when I found the willingness to change.

By joining AA and finding a power greater than myself, my alcoholism is in remission. I hope you can find answers that work for you.
chip

Thats the reality of alcohol, we dont ever think about hitting the bottom, until we realize ..wow how did I get here!

Praying in overtime,
one day at a time.

My bottom in a paragraph... Hmmmm...

Many years of steady decline followed by about two or three months of being locked in a death spiral as I progressed into the late stage. The decline wasn't so much in terms of physical, or "wordly" terms. Rather it was in terms of my drinking habits and their consequences -- a steady progression of more and more often, along with increased craving issues. The death spiral included personality disintegration, drawing away from God, forgetting that I am primarily a spiritual being, suicidal thoughts and tendancies, fatalism, having no choice about my drinking, knowing that something was very, very wrong but NOT CARING ABOUT IT. Towards the end there, I was hitting the pubs almost every night -- at least four times a week. Each day, on my way home from work, I was faced with either wanting to go home to sleep because I was still hungover, or else that terrible white-knuckling as I deliberated whether or not to "stop off for just a few", (which was another lie -- I knew that if I did stop at the bar(s) that I'd be at it all night). Much earlier in my drinking career, it was unthinkable for me to go out again before I had recovered from the last hangover. At the end of my drinking career, it was merely a matter of whether or not I had physically recovered enough to be conscious. Things culminated with two alcohol-related arrests over the span of about a week's time, (it was almost three -- the "almost" one would have included two motor vehicle felony charges)... (I take that back, it was almost four arrests total over the span of about a month)... God's Grace alone kept it down to only two arrests.

(Sorry, I'm breaking the "single paragraph" rule)...

So there I am, sitting in the holding cell... AGAIN... after having been there only a week earlier. I have no one to call who would help except for my boss... AGAIN... A lot of the shame I felt centered around that, and how worthless me had put him through all that horrible and ugly trouble... AGAIN... So I'm sitting there, feeling all the anguish you can imagine.

I was taught to always PRAY... If things are going good, PRAY, give thanks and ask forgiveness... If things are going bad, PRAY, give thanks, ask for forgivenenss and ask for help... This is what I was taught... So I did... AGAIN...

Time slowed down... Things went dark... I saw/felt myself and where my life had gotten to... I saw/felt how utterly wretched I was and how abhorant and worthless I had become... I'm not sure how else to describe it other than "saw/felt" -- it came as a sort of gestalt... Then a voice came into my head and asked me, "Are you finally done drawing away from Me?" and then it waited... and waited... and waited some more... I had no where else to go... I had nothing else to do... An insincere response would be unacceptable and I knew it... I knew I had to actually FEEL what I was saying, actually MEAN it, to at least to the extent of SOME small miniscule iota of sincerity. So I tried, I actually TRIED HARD to actually MEAN the response I was about to give... I said "Yes Lord. Please forgive my pride, my ego. Please forgive the way I have squandered Your gifts. Please forgive me. Please help me. Thank You for not abandoning me".

Time returned to normal. I began breathing again.

I hit my bottom in that holding cell during the early morning of Friday, June 30th, 2006.

I made bail with the help of my boss and closest co-worker. We went to lunch, then I went to bed. Later that night after I awoke, I prayed some more asking for the strength to do what I needed. I thought about my life. I thought about my alcohol use and the effect it had on me and my life. I thought about how alcohol had taken me to the point where suicide seemed like a viable choice -- unthinkable for someone like me. I thought about how I had been drawing away from God. I thought about a lot of things during those hours that night.

I thought about a lot of things that night... At some point, thanks to God's Grace alone, I found myself on the other side of my denial. In my heart I believe I did the first Step that night, in my own way. I think at some point I may have cried for the first time in a long time. At some point I felt at least a little bit of a sense of acceptance of my situation -- my disease -- and of acceptance of myself.

In a near-panic, I started searching the web. I found an AA group in my area and there was a men's meeting the following morning (Saturday) at 9:00am. I made a resolve to be there.

It was a start, but it wasn't enough. I remember thinking, "...tomorrow morning is a long way away... I also need something to help me tonight, right now..." I prayed and kept searching. I found SR and joined.

Here is my first post, made that very night...
My Bottom

Sorry for the lengthy post, everybody. Thank you for listening and for letting me share. It helps for me to be reminded.

I wish I were in a position to talk about my 'bottom', because I haven't the faintest idea if I've got there yet. But I feel pretty **** right now.

Well my bottom came over about a 2 month period, the beginning of my bottom was when I surrendered to alcohol. I had been trying to quit drinking for 10 years my way and failed every time, I had reached the point where I had to drink every day... I had no choice! I hated myself because I could not quit! I sat in my garage by myself drinking and decided I was tired of being miserable because I could not stop drinking, so I surrendered! I simply decided to drink guilt free because I could not stop. It actually felt good to just drink... to hell with the consequences!

Well about a month later my wife told me her and the kids were moving out with the assistance of her father. There was no ultimatum like "You quit drinking or the kids and I are leaving!" They were moving in one month.... period! At first I thought "Cool, I can drink all I want without any one bitching at me!". I went out into the garage and popped open another one, some where along the line I had a moment of clarity. I saw myself standing on the edge of a cliff, if I kept drinking I went over the edge and lost everything I owned, house, truck, then my job! All that would be left was me drinking myself to a slow alcoholic death! (I had known for years I was an alcoholic)

That was my bottom, I did not want to die!!! I went in the house, lined up a doctors appointment, went into detox where they told me "If you want a chance at staying sober you need to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor."

Well today I am happy, joyous & free all thanks to the fellowship and steps of AA! The 18th of this month I will have one year sober after 40 years of drinking.

i enjoyed all of these posts. I think the worst part of being at a bottom is not the physical withdrawl, it is not being able to face the reality of everything you have done and the pure fear of being sober. I had to spend a few 24 hours just hiding from everyone and ended up losing everything in the process. I received treatment for 2 months and was then more able to cope with the loss of everything worthwhile in my life due to alcohol. I have remained sober a total of four months by God and his grace. I don't ever want to have to start over and feel that way ever again. thanks again for posting

I took a swig of Listerine.

Gawd. Even I can't believe it. :(

My bottom? Couldn't look myself in the mirror. Suicidal thoughts. No idea who I was. Slowly and painfully losing important people in my life.

I was depressed and upset and posting here..talking to my ex via im. And suddenly, I knew/finally realized that one thing that I had never tried in order to be happy was to get some help and to put the wineglass down. For good.

I felt a huge and utter sense of relief. I honestly had nothing to lose at that point. Six months later, Life ain't perfect now, but I am happier than I have ever been.

Bottoms Up
 

My bottom was crashing through the floor of the elevatror and found myself looking up but unable to reach up to pull myself out...

I came to in a Hospital in Mexico, knifed, beaten, gang rapped and left on the side of the road for dead.
I died twice ...they had to zap me back to life...In the process of doing CPR...they broke several ribs ..it hurt to breathe.

I didn't have a clue how I had gotten to Mexico and was AWOL from the military.
No family to call, no friends to call..I was alone!!! and knew I would be facing a court maritial upon my return to my duty post tho I had no clue how I would even make it back.

We all have our bottoms...many differences..the similarities tho is/was a desire and a desperate willingness for change. That was the case for me......
As a result of the rooms of recovery I have not had to drink or use any mind altering chemicals in over 21 years.

I have stated this before so sorry if it is redundant to some. I had a friend die from cirrhosis and it shocked me sober. It was a terrible, terrible event and I decided then that with God's help I would do my best not to end up there. 41 weeks this week! And I feel good, da, da, da,...they way that I should :)

Wow!!! Seeing this post reminded me of something I used to do when I drank. I would put down about a case of beer on an empty stomach after getting home from work, and call a suicide hot line not because I wanted to actually kill myself, but just for someone to talk to. I would be depressed, and tell the person on the other line why I was depressed. I would tell them all my sorrows, usually bawling. The only thing I wouldn't tell them was that I thought I had a drinking problem. (I'm sure they knew I was pretty trashed when I called them, so I'm sure they were guessing that I may of had a drinking problem).

When I called the hot line I wasn't at my bottom yet, but from what I remember, I was close.

I thank God that I finally had the courage to finally admit to another person, (my fiancee) that I needed help with my drinking. (It wasn't a surprise to her). She got some numbers to locations of AA meetings and the rest is history. 464 days of history ago to be exact. And those days will increase as long as I take them one by one.




Tom

In the middle of it all, I knew something was wrong, but I simply did not care at that point... Consequences? That's "tomorrow guy's" problem -- for right now just get another beer!

Its been said, (thanks Barb!), that we all start out with God. Then we replace God with ego. Later, we replace ego with alcohol. I know it was true for me.

Getting rid of the alcohol and putting ego back into place gets us back to being a dry drunk. Replacing ego with God, and putting God back into His rightful place, gets us sober, happy, joyous and free, (as well as being the right and proper thing to do).

When I collected my one-year chip, the gist of my "speech" was this...

...One year... Wow! ... Its quite an accomplishment... But its not MY accomplishment... Its God's accomplishment...

My bottom was hell... I don't want to go back... THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pushed into it every time - go to AA or lose your job usually. The last time was, go to AA or you won't be able to see your daughters. My lawyer, of all people, wrote me a letter! For me the thing that was different this time was I hooked up with a sponsor who had firm, specific ideas about step work (one of which was there was a lot of work involved), and i stayed scared long enough to follow his suggestions. Felt at the end of my rope a lot of times. Usually I wound up waiting the feeling out. Right action produces right thinking, not the other way around.

Green Tea I said and felt the same thing and my sponsor and grandsponsor spoke to me after a meeting and told me that I needed to take some credit for my sobriety, they told me that I took actions that resulted in God blessing me for them.

I admitted I was powerless over alcohol & could not manage my life.

I came to beleive that a Power greater then myself could restore my sanity.

When I turned my will and life over to the care of God as I understood Him was when the blessings started to roll in.

As I have continued to take actions that are in line with my HP the blessings have continued to roll in.

After that conversation I understood that I did have a part in it, but once I went past step 3 my part in it was taking the blessing I have been given from my HP and passing it on.

Do I take full credit for my sobriety? Absolutely not, but I did play a part in it by becoming willing to humble myself enough to not only find my HP, but to do as he would have me do and not do what the old drunk Martin would do.

God did not strike me sober for no reason, just like folks who relapse are not struck drunk, in both cases the person got what thier actions and thoughts earned them in one case blessing and in the other drunk!

Thanks Taz!

In MY case though, I can not take any credit for it whatsoever. Much like the story of Lazarus, I was a rotten, stinking, dead-inside, wet drunk. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, I could have done or did of my own accord to pull me out of that hell.

If it were up to me, all the "problems" would simply have disappeared -poof- as if they never happened, and I would have been able to drink to my heart's content forever. I could not humble myself, so God did it for me.

You could say that I've just been "along for the ride". It was God (my HP) who forced me to seek help, who set the goals along the way, who initiated and carried out the process, who put the right people in front of me at the right time, who sustained me, carrying me just like in the prose "Footprints In The Sand", who lifted the obsession, who provided opportunities for things like service work, who provided the ability and capacity for me to participate in things like service work, who kept me going to meetings, who led me to this wonderful place called SR which has been a great supplement for me, who showed me the Steps, who moved in my heart, healing it, pointing me in the right direction and telling my legs to move... I can't even list all the ways... My HP continues to do all this to this very day, and hopefully He won't stop.

If I try to take even the veriest iota of credit for any of it, then I'm taking something which is rightfully God's and am trying to give it to my own ego. I might as well spit in His face and go buy a twelve-pack.

In my case, the story of Lazarus applies. In MY case...

I'm not trying to say anything at all about you, Taz, so please don't take this wrong. I guess I'm just witnessing, is all.

I can't take any credit whatsoever for my recovery. I am accountable for it, true, and I am its steward, true... but its God's accomplishment, not mine. And He gave it to me as a gift, freely and undeserved.

Thank You!!!!!!!