Dealing with resentments and anger when it sneaks up on you
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
Dealing with resentments and anger when it sneaks up on you
Ok so I am in a program and had to fire my sponsor.
Ive had a tough time getting more than a week or two of sobriety.
I AM learning alot from my new sponsor and meetings and some from the program but it is mostly structure.
I know it is said not to get into a relationship for at least a year after getting sober and I am lonely and have had feelings for a woman since the moment I saw her.
She was going through a really rough time and I tried to help her with all I have learned about myself and tried to let her reflect on it from her own standpoint. I tried to be supportive and there for her. She stayed sober and I knew I was testing the waters as far as getting emotionally envolved. It was my ego talking when I got a resentment because she didnt acknowledge my help and support even though so many others in meetings were saying the exact things I did. When she was at her lowest points I offered the world to her but resolved not to make it sexual. I asked her over (sinceI dont drive) for coffee or herbal tea and someone to talk to and not isolate.
Here lies the resentment and anger. She would not acknowledge the offers for help or the things I said even though so many others were saying the same things. When she said that she just needed to try talk to some women and kind of blew me off for some meetings and rides and stopped calling it made me angry but it snuck up on me and I didnt realize it. Now I think I need to let it go and make amends (?) for being angry with her. I dont know how to say it and I dont want it to eat away at me. I still want to be friends and possibly more when the time is right - if it ever is. I dont know what to say - if anything so if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.
Still new to this sobriety thing and I am trying to learn and grow one day at a time.
Thanks !!!
Ive had a tough time getting more than a week or two of sobriety.
I AM learning alot from my new sponsor and meetings and some from the program but it is mostly structure.
I know it is said not to get into a relationship for at least a year after getting sober and I am lonely and have had feelings for a woman since the moment I saw her.
She was going through a really rough time and I tried to help her with all I have learned about myself and tried to let her reflect on it from her own standpoint. I tried to be supportive and there for her. She stayed sober and I knew I was testing the waters as far as getting emotionally envolved. It was my ego talking when I got a resentment because she didnt acknowledge my help and support even though so many others in meetings were saying the exact things I did. When she was at her lowest points I offered the world to her but resolved not to make it sexual. I asked her over (sinceI dont drive) for coffee or herbal tea and someone to talk to and not isolate.
Here lies the resentment and anger. She would not acknowledge the offers for help or the things I said even though so many others were saying the same things. When she said that she just needed to try talk to some women and kind of blew me off for some meetings and rides and stopped calling it made me angry but it snuck up on me and I didnt realize it. Now I think I need to let it go and make amends (?) for being angry with her. I dont know how to say it and I dont want it to eat away at me. I still want to be friends and possibly more when the time is right - if it ever is. I dont know what to say - if anything so if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.
Still new to this sobriety thing and I am trying to learn and grow one day at a time.
Thanks !!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
If you truly wish to make amends to this woman, I suggest you start by giving her some space. It sounds like she wants to extend her network of female friends in recovery, and that's always a good idea for a woman in the program.
Keep the focus on you, and work on your own recovery.
JMHO
Keep the focus on you, and work on your own recovery.
JMHO
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
space is what I am giving her and yes I agree men w men and women w women in the program is important
refocusing is one of the things that I have learned when I become distracted
thanks
refocusing is one of the things that I have learned when I become distracted
thanks
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
If she doesn't know you were angry, I would think it best not to complicate and dramatize her recovery by making amends for something she wasn't aware of.
"except when to do so would injure them or others..."
If she does know you were angry: Sometimes, in lieu of a formal apology, the best amend we can make is to change our offensive or hostile behavior, and giving her space is a good start. Amends, to me, are about correction, not apology (though that can be part of it).
Peace & Love,
Sugah
P.S. You wouldn't be the first to find yourself in this situation...I'm sure the men around you, including your sponsor, would have more suggestions.
"except when to do so would injure them or others..."
If she does know you were angry: Sometimes, in lieu of a formal apology, the best amend we can make is to change our offensive or hostile behavior, and giving her space is a good start. Amends, to me, are about correction, not apology (though that can be part of it).
Peace & Love,
Sugah
P.S. You wouldn't be the first to find yourself in this situation...I'm sure the men around you, including your sponsor, would have more suggestions.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
havent spoken w my sponsor on this one yet
my last sponsor and hers were married and presently my new sponsor and his wife both know her - small world
strange thing is that she and I both fired our old/ married sponsors on the same day this week
I was thinking that saying nothing might be the best option but I have also been putting a little space between she and myself after I realized what was going on w me
my last sponsor and hers were married and presently my new sponsor and his wife both know her - small world
strange thing is that she and I both fired our old/ married sponsors on the same day this week
I was thinking that saying nothing might be the best option but I have also been putting a little space between she and myself after I realized what was going on w me
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
What could be happenng also...
She was told ... No relationship starts for a year and her not acknowledging your help could be her way of protecting herself. Women know when our desires is to help vs our desires is to know them better, better then we know it.
I would see her actions not as a rejection of what you offer but as her making a smarter choice of following the sugestion... no new relationships for the first year.
Recovery first.
She was told ... No relationship starts for a year and her not acknowledging your help could be her way of protecting herself. Women know when our desires is to help vs our desires is to know them better, better then we know it.
I would see her actions not as a rejection of what you offer but as her making a smarter choice of following the sugestion... no new relationships for the first year.
Recovery first.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
good point Best
come to think about it she did mention the other night that she was waiting until 08 until she got into any relationships.....
Thanks
come to think about it she did mention the other night that she was waiting until 08 until she got into any relationships.....
Thanks
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I was thinking that saying nothing might be the best option but I have also been putting a little space between she and myself after I realized what was going on w me
What I have found odd was when 2 new folks start a relationship it seems to wind up some how with them BOTH going back out or just the guy, I can not recall a lady going out alone.
There is one couple in my area who met in the program when whey both had about 6 or 7 months sober, now here is the part that still blows my mind, they both agreed to not see each other until they both had a year, there were a few meetings where they both attended but they did not even sit together.
Long story short after they both had a year, they dated about a year and then got married.
frstnm sounds like you have some good advice already & are doing the right thing so far, I will emphasize talking to your sponsor about this.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
her old sponsor was really into alanon and then "converted" to AA and has some major boundaries aparently
does anyone think that this woman was simply setting boundaries or possibly acknowledging some personal feelings ?
does anyone think that this woman was simply setting boundaries or possibly acknowledging some personal feelings ?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Originally Posted by frstnm 
her old sponsor was really into alanon and then "converted" to AA and has some major boundaries aparently
does anyone think that this woman was simply setting boundaries or possibly acknowledging some personal feelings ?
does anyone think that this woman was simply setting boundaries or possibly acknowledging some personal feelings ?
I'd follow the advice given. Make your amends by backing off, give her some space. In the meantime, work on YOUR recovery.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Hi frstnm 
. I understand you're lonely but maybe now isn't the right time for you and her. Keep working on your own recovery and maybe make some friends at the meetings. Might help ease your lonliness. I'm sure you'll find someone in time... but you have to find yourself first.
. I understand you're lonely but maybe now isn't the right time for you and her. Keep working on your own recovery and maybe make some friends at the meetings. Might help ease your lonliness. I'm sure you'll find someone in time... but you have to find yourself first.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by gypsy tears
I'm sure you'll find someone in time... but you have to find yourself first.
Take care!
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
and there is more
yesterday we went for a drive and she stopped by a "friends" house and she was actually picking up some coke - not only did I get really paranoid the whole way there and back but we almost got killed in an accident
i am now wondering if she was sober, has been doing it the whole time and if I can even hang out without being scared for my own sobriety
also she lied about having some fireworks in the vehicle and having dropped them off w the people who gave her $ for them
I trusted her to be honest about everything and that is dammaged
the near accident reminded me of the time I was doing other things than drinking and is really bring up the memories and making me anxious
at least I didnt use !!!
yesterday we went for a drive and she stopped by a "friends" house and she was actually picking up some coke - not only did I get really paranoid the whole way there and back but we almost got killed in an accident
i am now wondering if she was sober, has been doing it the whole time and if I can even hang out without being scared for my own sobriety
also she lied about having some fireworks in the vehicle and having dropped them off w the people who gave her $ for them
I trusted her to be honest about everything and that is dammaged
the near accident reminded me of the time I was doing other things than drinking and is really bring up the memories and making me anxious
at least I didnt use !!!
Im not crazy and neither am I
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
Im actually starting to lose alot of faith in her since she lied, picked up and nearly got me in trouble.
Today she blew me off for a ride to do errands w some lame excuse - truth is she is probably getting high.
Too much stress and drama in my life. Must need more meetings and less of her.
Today she blew me off for a ride to do errands w some lame excuse - truth is she is probably getting high.
Too much stress and drama in my life. Must need more meetings and less of her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
Welcome to (AA?)
In any case, I had about six or seven relationships my first year (not counting the ones in my head). As you can tell they were long and lasting loves. They didn’t knock me out the door, but they sure made for one helluva ride! Really helped me learn to live one day at a time (far from perfectly, however).
Everyone has given good advice, but I’ll add mine: Leave her alone and take the steps! If you didn’t harm her, you don’t owe her an amends. Besides, the amends step comes after steps 1 through 8. Have you taken any of the first 8?
Everyone has given good advice, but I’ll add mine: Leave her alone and take the steps! If you didn’t harm her, you don’t owe her an amends. Besides, the amends step comes after steps 1 through 8. Have you taken any of the first 8?
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by Barto
In any case, I had about six or seven relationships my first year (not counting the ones in my head).
ROFL,
Ted
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