Signal30

As some of you may know I now sponsor someone. I am grateful to have a good sponsee that sticks with the program, calls me everyday, and has remained sober.

I feel pretty confident that I give good advice, and share my expierence,strength, and hope, with him.

My question is that say, he calls about a family issue what kind of advice is the correct answer, meaning at what point do I go?

An example.(Note: He doesnt actually have this problem, but another I know is experiencing this,) say this guy calls me and tells me that his wife and him are having problems, and she stopped going to alanon. She tries to help a friend of his that also an alcoholic, but is obviously not ready to quit. She tries to help this guy to the point where it is harming the relationship between her and my sponsee, to the point where it could actually jeopardize his own sobriety.

Giving advice like, "Read page 417 of the big book, The Family Afterword, and To Wives, is good advice I guess, but would it be my place to say things like, "If it gets to the point where you may drink or use, you should find another place to live."

To sum this up. At what point is good advice, and too much advice?

Thanks all.

Tom

Barto

What step is he on? If he's gone through, is he sponsoring yet?

After taking him through the steps, I think the answers to these kinds of questions you can only help him answer for himself. Sometimes I simply suggest that guys I work with ask God for direction, put one foot in front of the other, pause before speaking or acting, and speak or act out of love and service -- watching out for selfish or self-seeking motives.

Astro

JMO, as long as he's asking for the advice, it's fine to keep sharing your ES&H with him. My thought would be not to offer advice if it's not being asked for. As for the situation jeopardizing his sobriety, he's the only one who's responsible for that.

BP44

I'm not ready to sponsor yet, but I'll tell you what my sponsor says when he doesn't know...." I don't know". I've heard of sponsors calling their sponsors to help with an issue with a sponsee. Another thing I have found is that my sponsor generally will not get into my marital issues. Whenever I share a problem my wife and I are having, he always focuses on my program of recovery. I don't know if this helps. You'll probably get better suggestions from folks who have sponsored folks.

Rowan

I had something like this come up tonight. A young lady in the program called me, and spent a considerable amount of time talking about her husband, and his shortcomings. She's not long back from a relapse.
All I can do is share my own ES&H with her - keeping in mind that I'm not a marriage counsellor, I suggested she keep reaching out to other women, and to try to keep the focus on her own recovery. She talked about ending the relationship, and I cautioned her against making any major changes right now. And I shared about how I ended a relationship in recovery, thinking that would make everything better - and guess what? It didn't.
So anyway.

Sugah

The powerlessness over alcohol in the first step is the same as the powerlessness over other people in our lives; attempting to exert power over them causes the same kind of unmanageably. Barto suggested the steps -- what better guidance can we give someone? I'm not qualified to make decisions for another person, but I can show someone how my sponsor guided me to check my motives, see if I was trying to control something beyond my control, identify which of my many character defects were at work making me miserable and unaccepting and reach out to my HP for strength to set healthy boundaries. Beyond that, "Don't drink, go to a lot of meetings, and pray."

To me, sponsoring someone involves helping them through the steps so that they can solve their problem with alcohol. In the process, they're resolving all those issues that kept them drunk. It goes hand in hand. That doesn't mean that I don't once in awhile offer an opinion, but I'm very, very clear that it's my opinion, and really, unless it's a no-brainer or I feel someone is truly at risk if I keep my mouth shut, I usually don't offer that. I don't have to live their life, so what right do I have to start directing it? I'm not god.

Beyond that -- thank you for sponsoring other people. Not only are you buying some insurance against a slip, you're keeping the boat floating.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

snowgoose

For some reason, this comes to mind: "We can carry the message but we can't carry the drunk." The other thing is to reinforce Rowan's message above that we are not marriage counselors..... and sometimes it's hard to keep in mind that we also are not psychologists. All the issues can be confusing when first sponsoring and being sponsored. I think sticking to program whenever possible is helpful for me in sponsoring.

CarolD

The best advice I got when I started to sponsor....

"You can't get anyone else
drunk or sober"

Music

I can't share what I haven't experienced, and I'm his AA sponsor, not his marriage couselor.
If the problem has nothing to do with drinking or not drinking, it's none of my business. There are trained professionals who are better equiped.
One more thing. If I tell a guy to move out and he does, then because of the fallout he ends up drinking, what then?

Signal30

Thanks everyone, that's what I thought. When my sponsee does ask for advice about his friends or girlfriend, I tell him the things I previously stated on my original thread as well as using the tools AA has given him. I'm very proud of my sponsee, he calls me when he is stressed about something. Early in my sobriety, I didn't call my sponsor when something was bothering me. Luckily I remained sober.

I'm grateful that the guy I sponsor, is following directions better than I did.

Thanks again for everyone's advice. Everyone who posted said something that I really needed to hear.

Tom

Tazman53

Well I have very little personal experience as a sponsor, but I do draw from my sponsors experience shared with me.

He has told me to first of all always check my motives, also to see if I have any contributions to the problem.

He has also told me we are not therapist, if some one has marital issues and it has nothing to do with the sponsees drinking or could be affected by the way he is or is not working the steps we have no business trying to play marriage councelor, the best advice to give a sponsee with marital problems is to pray on it, sit down with their spouse and talk about it, and if needed go to a marriage counselor.

Now if the sponsee is looking for legal advice and I am not a lawyer, suggest seeing a lawyer, if it is financial advice other then something like not paying bills on time or some other thing I do have experience with advice them to see someone who knows finance.

If it is program I will share what I know, if I do not know I have my sponsor & grandsponsor to call upon and will let my sponsee know I do not know but will find out.

There are things that a sponsee may ask advice on that we have no business giving it on, espescially if we have no experience that is useful to the situation.

In many cases the best thing a sponsor can do for a sponsee is say "I do not know" followed by either "I will check with my sponsor" or I would suggest you talk to a professional about that.

GrouchoTheCat

When I asked my sponsor to become my sponsor he said:

I am not a financial advisor, I am not a marrage counselor, and I am not a psychiatrist!

My job as a sponsor is to help you through the steps of AA and hopefully to help you stay sober.

My only rule is :"Call me every day!"

Ted

Tazman53

Ted that sounds very familiar, mine did tell me that if he had useful experience about something he would share it, but for me to determine whether or not I could use his experience! LOL

Grasshopper

The advice,is in the BB.
The promises,
we will intuitively know how to handel situations which used to baffle us.
They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly,sometimes slowly.They will always materialize if we-----------work----------for them.
This is the advice that i give to my sponcess.At times they dont like me doing this,for they want quick solutions,and quick answers to their issues.{like i did when i was new too...smile}I dont know God,s Plans for another.So i tell them to take it easy,and they will know what to do,when its time.In the meantime,i ----listen-----and just listening has been a great help to me and them too.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!

Emimily

this is so funny, i just started sponsoring a girl who i LOVE, and the first thing we talked about was a situation with a boy. i mean, of course, we're bothi n our twenties and quit drinking and using... boys are gonna be present. so i asked her if she'd prayed, and told her we could pray together, and then i shared my experience, strength, and hope with her.

the one thing i say consistently is "this is a suggestion, ok? i can't tell you what to do or not to do, but i can make a suggestion based on my life and my experiences in sobriety." sometimes she takes them, sometimes she doesn't, but at least that way she knows that i'm no guru. i told her that i was here to help her get through the steps and have some fun along the way, because we are not a glum lot. i also told her that this was my first time with a sponsee, and her first time with a sponsor, so we were bound to scrape our knees on occasion.

truthfully, she's wonderful. she has no idea what she's giving me in this experience... she works a great program, gets with god, calls me, answers when i call, is networking with other women in the rooms, and is just all around a badass young lady in aa. she's amazing, i love her much much.

sobriety rules, man...

Tazman53

Let her know.... I let my sponsee know just like my sponsor has let me know. I love being a sponsor, my heart sings as I see my sponsee grow and I learn so much about the steps & myself.

Being a sponsor drives home that old saying, "You have to give it away to keep it!".

Barto

I tell them they are helping me stay sober today (because I believe it's true); and on some days they look at me and I can tell that they actually believe me! LOL.

barb dwyer

Hi Signal -

I find that sometimes, 'sponsoring' is just listening.

And then gently bringing everything back to the steps and traditions.

Often, we alcoholics don't see where our little choochoo tyrian of life jumped off the tracks, you know?
There's always one that applies.
But sometimes -
you gotta do a LOT of listening before it comes to ya!
LOL

Often, people just need a pair of ears they can trust.

Tazman53

Many times the answer lies in step 11............. prayer & meditation combined with step 3.

Barto

Always! Now if I were only better at it, I’d be cured.