Fear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 51
Fear
Hi Everyone!
This is my first post here. I'm coming up on 2 years sober in about a month, but just discovered SR about a week ago.
I am struggling. I have been under a lot of stress for the past four years - my dad was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and died a year later - I was my parents' entire support system, cheerleading team, research staff, etc. during that time, which I was honored to do, but in retrospect it was really hard. Since then, my mom's alcoholism has taken over her life, and she is completely dependent on me for all entertainment, support, friendship, counseling - she has only one friend who lives far away, and isolates herself with her bottle. She's "almost" gone to treatment three or four times in the past 3 years since my dad died, and has even gone so far as to have me drive her there and sit there with her for the intake a couple of times, but hasn't gone through with it. She was an abusive parent when I was younger, and while I think I've forgiven her for that, she still has serious problems with boundaries that I haven't figured out how to deal with. Last September, my middle son was diagnosed with autism (I have three boys that I homeschool). He is seven, and could certainly have been diagnosed years ago, but I put it off, hoping he would "outgrow" all of his issues. He is up and down and while I obviously love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for anything, he is a major challenge. Since January, I've been having serious stomach pain that has sent me to the ER twice and resulted in all sorts of tests - upper GI, CT scans, blood work, etc - but nothing has been found, so at least it isn't serious - but that has been stressful as well. I've been taking hydrocodone for the pain, and maybe that's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling (which, I PROMISE, I'm about to get to!) On top of all of this, my husband suffers from anxiety and has had a really difficult 18 months or so.
I do go to two AA meetings a week (all I can swing with my three boys), I have worked the steps (and try to work 10, 11, 12 on an ongoing basis), I have a sponsor. I love AA, actually. BUT.....I am really struggling with wanting to drink. Tonight I was SO tempted to go to the bar across the street (I live in the south and alcohol is served in bars but not sold in stores on Sunday), but instead I jumped on SR and have been reading for HOURS, trying to soak up some Experience, Strength, and Hope.
I'm scared. I know that alcohol isn't going to jump up and pour itself down my throat, and I just have to not take that first drink, but it's like the obsession has returned. And I've had some really good sober time in the 2 years I've been in the program, so it's so discouraging to be feeling like this again. It's been going on for a week or two, at least.
I think I'm feeling like I'm just maxed out - like I can't process one more single day of stress, I'm all used up. Of course, none of you know me, but I'm generally a really positive, hopeful person. I hate feeling like this.
If you've read this far...I guess I'm just asking for some help. Some words of wisdom, some ES&H, something to give me a little push to make it past this sober, and hopefully stronger.
Thanks to all of you - reading the posts on SR has helped me some tonight already.
This is my first post here. I'm coming up on 2 years sober in about a month, but just discovered SR about a week ago.
I am struggling. I have been under a lot of stress for the past four years - my dad was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and died a year later - I was my parents' entire support system, cheerleading team, research staff, etc. during that time, which I was honored to do, but in retrospect it was really hard. Since then, my mom's alcoholism has taken over her life, and she is completely dependent on me for all entertainment, support, friendship, counseling - she has only one friend who lives far away, and isolates herself with her bottle. She's "almost" gone to treatment three or four times in the past 3 years since my dad died, and has even gone so far as to have me drive her there and sit there with her for the intake a couple of times, but hasn't gone through with it. She was an abusive parent when I was younger, and while I think I've forgiven her for that, she still has serious problems with boundaries that I haven't figured out how to deal with. Last September, my middle son was diagnosed with autism (I have three boys that I homeschool). He is seven, and could certainly have been diagnosed years ago, but I put it off, hoping he would "outgrow" all of his issues. He is up and down and while I obviously love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for anything, he is a major challenge. Since January, I've been having serious stomach pain that has sent me to the ER twice and resulted in all sorts of tests - upper GI, CT scans, blood work, etc - but nothing has been found, so at least it isn't serious - but that has been stressful as well. I've been taking hydrocodone for the pain, and maybe that's why I'm feeling how I'm feeling (which, I PROMISE, I'm about to get to!) On top of all of this, my husband suffers from anxiety and has had a really difficult 18 months or so.
I do go to two AA meetings a week (all I can swing with my three boys), I have worked the steps (and try to work 10, 11, 12 on an ongoing basis), I have a sponsor. I love AA, actually. BUT.....I am really struggling with wanting to drink. Tonight I was SO tempted to go to the bar across the street (I live in the south and alcohol is served in bars but not sold in stores on Sunday), but instead I jumped on SR and have been reading for HOURS, trying to soak up some Experience, Strength, and Hope.
I'm scared. I know that alcohol isn't going to jump up and pour itself down my throat, and I just have to not take that first drink, but it's like the obsession has returned. And I've had some really good sober time in the 2 years I've been in the program, so it's so discouraging to be feeling like this again. It's been going on for a week or two, at least.
I think I'm feeling like I'm just maxed out - like I can't process one more single day of stress, I'm all used up. Of course, none of you know me, but I'm generally a really positive, hopeful person. I hate feeling like this.
If you've read this far...I guess I'm just asking for some help. Some words of wisdom, some ES&H, something to give me a little push to make it past this sober, and hopefully stronger.
Thanks to all of you - reading the posts on SR has helped me some tonight already.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
earthmama,
I had a few years and went back out.I dont know your story but If your like me it wasnt I slow decline back to where I was I went right back to drinking just like I had never stopped.I made it back in I was lucky if you go back you might not make it.Call someone dont throw away two years that you worked hard for.Drinking is not going to make problems go away it will just create more and then the cycle will start.Think of what you would tell someone in your group having these problems.dont drink today and get to a meeting.
I had a few years and went back out.I dont know your story but If your like me it wasnt I slow decline back to where I was I went right back to drinking just like I had never stopped.I made it back in I was lucky if you go back you might not make it.Call someone dont throw away two years that you worked hard for.Drinking is not going to make problems go away it will just create more and then the cycle will start.Think of what you would tell someone in your group having these problems.dont drink today and get to a meeting.
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
earthmama,
thank you for your story.
be careful with the hydrocodone. it messes with my head big time, and has endangered my sobriety in the past. i know that docs like to use it alot, but it really is dangerous stuff.
thank you for your story.
be careful with the hydrocodone. it messes with my head big time, and has endangered my sobriety in the past. i know that docs like to use it alot, but it really is dangerous stuff.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Earthmama
Welcome to SR!
I am so glad you found us. There is a ton of E,S, and H here. Make some tea, pull up a chair and read for a while. Post some more and let us get to know how yuo're doing!
Take care,
MC
Welcome to SR!
I am so glad you found us. There is a ton of E,S, and H here. Make some tea, pull up a chair and read for a while. Post some more and let us get to know how yuo're doing!
Take care,
MC
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi earth
You should be proud as you are stronger than me. I am not normally a drinker but have had some probs with my alcoholic sis. The last few days I have drunk everynight (only a couple)
It is so easy to let it get on top of you, so help me too and lets be stronger together.
You should be proud as you are stronger than me. I am not normally a drinker but have had some probs with my alcoholic sis. The last few days I have drunk everynight (only a couple)
It is so easy to let it get on top of you, so help me too and lets be stronger together.
Growing, Learning, Living
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Vacationing on earth
Posts: 836
I have been sober for 5 1/2 years & I still sometimes have the urge to drink. Really strong urges. Ones that last for awhile. Whenever I get those urges, I try to think of how I have been blessed since I stopped. For instance, I look at the blessing of my children, my husband, my home that we were able to buy, a business that has started, and many, many more. I know that I would not have any of that if I was still drinking & would only stand to lose all of it if I start again. I read somewhere here a long time ago, but rings so true to my heart: My worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk. Go to meetings, post here, pray, do whatever it takes to stay sober. Two years is an awesome amount of time. Congratulations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 51
Thanks, everyone, for your help!
I've been to a meeting, I've been posting on SR, I've prayed and meditated, I've called a newcomer to see how she was doing. And I feel a LOT better
In the past, when I've felt like drinking, as long as I do the right thing and don't drink, I usually come out on the other side with a few lessons learned and a little more "sobriety". It's just getting from there to here that feels so impossibly hard!
Thanks for the support
I've been to a meeting, I've been posting on SR, I've prayed and meditated, I've called a newcomer to see how she was doing. And I feel a LOT better
In the past, when I've felt like drinking, as long as I do the right thing and don't drink, I usually come out on the other side with a few lessons learned and a little more "sobriety". It's just getting from there to here that feels so impossibly hard!
Thanks for the support
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