Denial

I apologize in advance if this is incoherent. My mind is racing right now.

A quick note (I just went back and typed this) My father was an alcoholic. I never knew him. My mother doesn't have a problem but her parents both did, but she was adopted by relatives of her real parents. I'm sure there is some genetics working there.

I'm 35 years old. I picked up my first drink at 31. I didn't drink in high school or college like all my friends, I just had no interest in it. When all my friends in college were "partying", I wasn't. I put myself through school while working full time and it was my own money being spent o n my education, so it meant a lot to me. I went to school part time for 13 years while working full time until I got my Masters degree in 2003.

4 years ago this spring, I got drunk for the first time at a party. It hit me like a ton of bricks....so THIS is what I've been missing. I never felt so happy and confident. Within a couple of weeks I was drinking wine at home at night while I worked on my thesis because I found out it helped me. I was diagnosed with ADD back in the early 80's...long before it became the most over-diagnosed thing in the world. I've always had a real problem staying focused and alcohol seemed to cure that problem. And for the time being, it did. I finished my project in time and graduated with high honors.

Up until that point I had always had a very active social life. Lots of friends, going out at least 3 nights a week to clubs in the city, and I always had a great time, sober! Once alcohol was added everything got even more exciting! But within a short time things started to go bad. I would drink to the point of blacking out and do things I didn't remember, and would be embarrassed about the next day. Apparently one night I suddenly kissed the bartender. The bartender wasn't very happy. I've heard stories about partial nudity that I would rather not think about All this just a few months after I started drinking.

Within a short time my whole social life came to an end, mostly because all my friends got married, bought houses, and started having kids. I fell deeper into heavy drinking and abusive relationships. Remember, this is all within my first year of drinking.

This has all continued. 4 years later all my friends have moved on with their lives. I'm in a relationship with someone who is very cruel to me. Not physically, but emotionally, in ways I could write a book about but won't. My Masters degree is going to waste. I'm making less than I made 5 years ago. I have no self esteem or ambition. I'm almost middle aged and all I can think about is what I should have at this point in my life. Marriage, children, a house of my own. But I don't. I went backwards while everyone else moved forward.

I binge drink now. I sometimes go all weekend in a drunken fog. I pull myself together during the week and always make it to work. A few years ago I was at a point where I would drink a little in the morning before work and sometimes on my lunch break to get rid of withdrawals. That hasn't happened in a long time. I keep it under control now. "It". What the hell?

I blamed it all on being a "late bloomer" when it came to drinking. I've seen many friends in my lifetime go through phases of reckless drinking and later they're ok and can drink "in moderation". I've always believed that's me. Then again, I don't believe it for a second. This is so confusing. I still binge drink. Sometimes 2 pints of 100 proof vodka in one night.

I've been to AA meetings. I've heard all the stories. I've never heard one anything like mine. All I hear about is loss. I haven't lost a job or been homeless or anything. But I may have lost a few friends. Alcoholism is progressive. But I was much worse 3.5 years ago before I learned to control it. But I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I have "IT" totally in control and sometimes I know I'm an alcoholic. I've quit for up to a month at a time and I felt better, and when I felt better, I talked myself into drinking again because it was safe.

I've gained over 40 pounds in these 4 years by the way. I look like crap.

I just want to be able to go out with friends, have a few drinks and have a good time. Why can't I just do that? Or why can't I go back to before I ever tried a drink and have fun like I used to? Or enjoy drinking socially like everyone else I know? WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL? I'm a mess.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!
It's good to see you here and we have lots of info
to share and support to give.

Yes I do use AA but there are other methods to try.

I suggest you begin with the top sticky post here
and then you can decide what you want to do
or not do about your drinking.

You too can find sobriety....

stone

It sounds like you have lost things through alcohol Denial, you have lost happiness.

Like you I have had out of control periods followed by controlled periods but like you said it is progressive and it WILL get worse eventually.

It sounds like you know you need to stop and that is all you need to know.

Keep posting and reading.

Welcome to the forum by the way!

barb dwyer

welcome Denial !

Just so you don't go thinking you're unique or anything -
I was 43 years old before I started drinking like the alcoholic I've always been.

Five years later ... here I am.

Alcoholism ... is far more than a liquid.

Take your time, read around the site here ... and keep posting.
Once it reaches a certain point - there's no more 'normal' drinking.
The 'normal' drinking ... ended way before kissing any bartender.
One thing said around the rooms is
'there's no going back to being a cucumber once you've become a pickle'
or something like that.

We're alcoholics.
We never worked normal, drank normal, ate normal, played normal ...
normal is a word in a dictionary somewhere.

The program of alcoholics anonymous is rebuilding my life into something far better than I've ever ever had. Being willing is the key.
And understanding there's no going back.

Again, welcome!

NoMoBeer

Denial (great screen name, by the way...):

To me, your most poignant paragraph:

"I've been to AA meetings. I've heard all the stories. I've never heard one anything like mine. All I hear about is loss. I haven't lost a job or been homeless or anything. But I may have lost a few friends. Alcoholism is progressive. But I was much worse 3.5 years ago before I learned to control it. But I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I have "IT" totally in control and sometimes I know I'm an alcoholic. I've quit for up to a month at a time and I felt better, and when I felt better, I talked myself into drinking again because it was safe."

I can bet you haven't heard ALL the stories, but that's another thread. There is a reason you have been to AA meetings -- why? Either the court sent you (meaning you probably have a problem) or YOU sent you (meaning you probably have a problem). At the end of your sentence above "I haven't lost a job or been homeless or anything..." insert the word YET. And if you had "IT" under control for a month, but somehow got talked into drinking again (because it was safe?) -- did you have IT under control, or did IT have YOU under control?

Just curious... what is it that you really want -- do you want to be drunk or sober? For me, that's how black and white I had to make it. I am an alcoholic, I cannot safely consume alcohol in any form. Physically, I crave it once it's in my system, so if I picked up a drink today, guaranteed at some point I would binge and blackout. I also have a "thinking and living" problem, which makes me think that alcohol is my "safe" way to feel better about life. Ooops. That takes me back to my physical problem -- that once I put alcohol into my body, I crave more and more and more.... So what AA does for me; it helps me to live and think more normally, to live life on life's term's instead of mine, so that I do not have that awful obsession of drinking alcohol to make myself feel better. That's my only solution...

Denial, check out AA -- go to 90 meetings over 90 days. Listen, and look for ANY similarities (I see alot of ME in your post, for sure) -- read through the Big Book from the front cover on through... Maybe you will come to discover this may be a method for you to experience life more serenely, and find more happiness and joy in just being sober....

Stay on the boards here, there is a lot to soak in...

NMB

Yardbird

Hi Denial,
I've asked all of the same questions and had many of the same experiences you've had, so even if you haven't heard anything at meetings that sounds like you, you've found someone here!
I wasn't a late bloomer, but I also thought I was getting "better" at my drinking since I was getting my life together, holding down a difficult full time job, staying in a stable relationship, and only binging once in awhile. And the first few AA meetings I went to, I heard people talking about being in jail, homeless, and so on, and said "I don't belong here."
I sobered up on my own for awhile, but still felt helpless, and had the same questions about why I couldn't just be a "normal" drinker (the obsession of every alcoholic, as they say). Finally, I just got tired of feeling like a failure and of feeling alone. I've met lots of people in AA who know where I'm coming from, even if our stories are different. And I've met a few people whose stories are similar to mine, also. If you get the Big Book, you'll find a story called (I think) "What, Me, an Alcoholic?" that will probably sound familiar to you.
All this is just to suggest that you might want to give it a few more chances. If you can't hack the 90 in 90 suggestion, just go to a few more meetings, get a few phone numbers, and talk to people who are working the program. And it doesn't have to be AA--if you're lucky enough to live in a big city, you'll find other programs going strong. In time you'll find that there are lots of different people with different stories and different approaches, in spite of how meetings can seem so dogmatic. But we've all got struggles with booze common--and, like it or not, it sounds like you've got it too.

And so...welcome!

St_Kurt

You will hear one now.


I'm in veterinary medical school and I am 35 years old. I have master's degrees in both computer science and music theory from a previous career as well.

When I was in college I didn't drink. In graduate school, I drank only very occasionally - usually a cocktail at a friend's or something. I was never a big partier. I preferred to be sober at clubs, concerts, and gatherings. I always had a good time and actually, alcohol seemed to dampen things. I was always happier in a crowd sober than drinking.

My first year of vet school I didn't drink at all. In fact, I don't think I'd even had a single cocktail for like 5 years when I started vet school. For whatever reason, my drink of choice has always been fancy vodka. I don't like the taste of beer or wine or any other kind of spirits. I have no idea why I like the taste of vodka straight, but there you have it...

Just before my second year began, we had a big get together with my vet school class. I decided to go since I felt that last year I'd missed out on a lot of fun socializing by not showing up at any of the parties or gatherings. I went and had a great time. I also drank at the party, which is unusual and the weirdest thing was I suddenly had this ridiculous tolerance. I should have been plastered, but I felt okay and walked home. (I'd walked there. I refuse to get behind the wheel if I've even had one.)

After that - for a single semester, I drank all the time. I've always been a good student and the weirdest thing was that I could drink and study and my grades went up. I actually got into the habit of drinking and studying since it was so much more relaxing. There was a bar near my house and I liked to go study there . The atmosphere was nice (it reminded me of my home: Seattle) and they played good music. Plus, I knew the bartender. So if I couldn't concentrate - I'd go there and suddenly I'd be like a studying machine.

There was also something else going on medically at this time. I needed surgery for a tumor that was benign, but still very painful. I was in no danger so I decided to wait the semester out rather than take time off school for the surgery. So, "alcohol as painkiller" was definitely part of it.

The thing was, after I was done with the surgery I figured I'd go back to my usual pattern of a martini here and there. But I kept coming up with excuses not to.

And I didn't like that.

I am adopted too. Both my adoptive parents are addict/alcoholics with varying drugs of choice. I grew up with them both active and completely out of control. Luckily I'd been going to Al-Anon since I was a teenager and decided... well, if I'm that worried then I should go to AA. So I did.

I've attended AA meetings fairly regularly for about 9 months now.

My story goes in a different direction at this point. But I thought you would like to hear the beginning so that you would know you are not alone.

~SK

snowgoose

Welcome, Denial: Parts of your story are like parts of mine. That's what I've found in AA, parts of others' stories match mine. And that has been enough. I didn't drink early on when others were doing it but I really thought I was missing something although it was supremely important to me to stay focused on college and then career because those were the goals to get me out of the unhappy small town and family situation. Well, wherever I went, there I was, whatever that means (you hear it in the rooms). The same crap that happened to me in the small town and family, kept on happening in my new situations. Different players, same story. And guess what: I married a dangerous drunk. Yes, an attorney from a nice family, but a serious drinker. I didn't even know what alcoholism was then. He would call me a "candy-ass" if I didn't drink with him. That's how I learned that alcohol was an anesthetic; it took away my pain, the pain of being in an abusive relationship. (My parents had also been abusive. See any pattern there?)

So after quite a few years of that kind of closet drinking - drinking and driving was not my style and neither were bars - I realized I was "disappearing into the bottle". Gone was my initiative and love of learning and the good feeling I got from accomplishment. Years went on. By then I was divorced (serious failure, right?) but I had my own house and two vehicles in the driveway and no arrests or anything like that. I just was losing myself and was powerless to control this closet drinking. I began to worry that I still smelled of alcohol when I went to work in the morning. The co-worker I asked said no, I didn't. I still lived in a smaller town and feared going to AA with all "those people" who were my clients.

Well, guess what... it turned out to be to key to sobriety for me, going to AA, that is. First I got to Alanon through a relationship with a man who was in recovery via AA, and that's where I figured out where I really belong. And that's where I learned what an incredibly wonderful and wise program AA is.

Now I know that to keep it, I must share it. Went to an outstanding meeting this morning at 7am. I've been sober a few 24hours and there have been long periods when I have not attended meetings because I've gotten tired of less-than-perfect attitudes in the rooms. "Progress, not perfection." A friend had a bad spell and that's what reminded me that I need to be growing via the meetings. So I went back. Well, it turns out that others are growing, too, especially via AA. "It works if you work it." But you gotta get there.

Blessings from the Snow Goose.