queenteree

I posted this is Friends and Family but I would also like any input from the other side so to speak. You're all so good to me, and all of your opinions matter very much to me. I need help. I really don't know what to do about my AD. First of all, I don't know for sure if she is A, but I'm not naive to alcohol abuse and I see so many similarities between her and my RAH (not her biological father). Last week I wrote to you guys about her paychecks and losing her money and her lies and manipulation, etc. Well, I have been doing very good at detaching, just watching her kids while she works nights, etc. Not really conversing with her much. She got me good the other night though, she asked for money (which I ususally don't give her) for gas, and I gave her $30 to fill her tank. Anyway, she goes and "gets gas", comes back to get the kids and I said "OK, show me your gas tank", her gas tank was on 1/4 tank. I said $30 got you 1/4 tank, Wow you must have a big gas tank (sarcastically). She said no, she put $25 in it (don't believe it) and got coffee to make for am with the other $5. Anyway, my XFF (her landlord) told me yesterday when I got the kids that she's giving me the "heads up" that she's evicting AD. I told XFF to not tell me, to let AD know and keep me out of it. When AD called from work (as she usually does to check on the kids), I told her when she gets paid she better start saving her paychecks as XFF is serious and is evicting her. She was all good with that, said she had plans in the works, etc. This morning I get a phone call from XFF telling me that AD came home last night all "out of it" (how true this is, I don't know cause XFF has a history of making up stories also, but that's another story). She said AD told her that she fell asleep at the wheel and was in a car accident and some guy gave her a ride home but the car was totaled and she didn't want to go to the hospital cause she has no medical insurance. She claimed she was out of it cause she thinks she has a concusion. Then she changed the story to she had a flat, then back to car accident again, etc. Now, like I said, I don't know whether my D is an A, she could just be that way normally as she ages cause her biological father was a nut (abusive, demanding, liar, manipulator, etc. but never drank or did drugs a day in his life), but something's up. I'm not sure how to handle this since I know she will be full of lies today about what happened. And I'm so nervous to tell RAH since he is only 79 days sober, working the program, but it's still so early in his recovery, and she has been a thorn in our sides for 2 years now and since the car title is in his name, I'm afraid he'll be dragged into it. This girl has ruined my credit (ran up my credit card that I let her borrow for medicine, ran up my cell phone bill, and drained me dry paying her car insurance while RAH was/is paying her car payment). Enough is enough, but I don't know what to do. And I know RAH is responsible for his own recovery but I just wish I could be there for him. Help!!!

Yardbird

I come from both "sides"--recovering drunk and codie. The only thing I can tell you is what you already know--in fact, what you already said: you aren't responsible for your husband's recovery, or for that matter for your daughter's behavior. And whether she is an alcoholic/addict or not, she is being extremely irresponsible, and it doesn't sound like she's about to change.

The way I handled the addict in my life is by setting very clear boundaries--boundaries based on what I needed to stay sane, not whatever I thought would get her clean or make her behave like a grown up. I wrote them down, gave them to her, and (mostly) stuck with them. I also give *myself* a very clear set of boundaries so that I stay away from booze no matter what happens. It's not my wife's job, or anyone's job, to manage reality so that it's easy for me. My sobriety is entirely my responsibility, and her sobriety is hers.

Peter

Hmmmm.

How old is your daughter?

I find it commendable that you and your husband have been trying so hard to help her, but look at it this way; EVEN IF SHE IS NOT AN ADDICT ( and I suspect she might be) you cannot continue to provide for her out of your limited resources.

There is a difference between helping and enabling and what you and your H are doing sounds like enabling to me

One way or another you need to determine what is going on with her, either through a heart to heart talk or with the help of a trained professional.

If her problems are drug related or otherwise psychological in nature knowing about it can better prepare you for dealing with it ....

I am really sorry for your distress and I hope some solutions can be found real soon.

queenteree

She called me at work. Very surprised that I was calm and not upset at all. I told her it's her business what happened last night and to her car, that she'll have to take care of it on her own. She told me she was driving home and had a blow out on her tire (which she did need tires but kept putting it off), she lost control of the car and hit a pole. She said she couldn't find her cell phone and was disoriented so that's why she started walking home. Yeah, could all possibly be true, but she's also good at lying. Told her I don't care and that I'm glad she's alright. She said "you probably didn't say that this morning" I said "no, this morning I couldn't care whether you were alive or dead". Then she says "why doesn't RAH not pay the car and let them repo it and I'll take the bus to work?" I said "cause it will be on HIS credit that the car was repoed" She said "but that car is destined to kill me." I said "it hasn't done it yet." She said "well let me call the insurance company." So I said OK Bye. I think I handled it good. I have a saying on my desk that I kept looking at while I was talking to her. It says "Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm." I'm trying to always keep that in mind. Thanks for listening.

GlassPrisoner

Yup. 1 square foot rule. Anything outside of that is none of your business. Things are going to play out how they play out regardless. Take care of yourself, and your recovery. Keep your side of the street clean.

That said, I'm sorry. It must be rough.

queenteree

My daughter is 24, and my RAH and I refuse to help her anymore and haven't for about a month. RAH said either way (A or not) she need to learn to fend for herself or hit bottom because nothing changes if nothing changes. AA is really helping him and he's really helping me. It's just hard cause he's involved in the whole car transaction.

GlassPrisoner

Now THAT's a good thing ^ ^

Live

Considering her statements about using public transportation, why don't you just take the car back?

miss communicat

"I'm not sure how to handle this"

dear QT,

I highlighted your concern to shed some light for you on the heart of the matter, which is where the solution lies. YOU cannot "handle" this in any more effective, constructive or significantly healthier way than you already have.

List the outcomes that have so far resulted from YOUR handling of the situation the best way you have known how to: loaning money, loaning crddit cards, worrying yourself sick, providing child care, trying to figure out what is and is not going on in daughter's mind, etc. Sounds like the outcome so far is causing you to suffer, to have bad credit, to strain your marriage....

What's left? I would turn your daughter over to her higher power. Turn your life over to your higher power. Say thank you daily for the blessings you receive and keep on caring, but remember to care for YOU first.

jmho...

queenteree

It's funny you said that MissC cause just last night, on my way home from work, I was driving and talking with God, thanking him for all he's done for me in my life, watching over my kids, grandkids, etc. and that I know whatever happens in my life, it is His will and it is going to happen for a reason, and I would put my complete faith in Him. And BAM, this thing happens this morning. That is why I guess I am not that upset, I just wish it was something that didn't pertain to the car since RAH is involved in the whole thing and he is truly taking his recovery seriously, going to meetings, actually believing in what he is learning, and I'm actually a much more spiritual person because of it too. I just don't want to see him relapse, but then again, maybe I am projecting.

GlassPrisoner

Yeah, my God has a funny sense of humor too

But, I always look back on it and say "Ohhhhh....I get it !" And usually my experience helps someone else.

miss communicat

ditto GP