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wow, where 2 start... i really don't know where to begin about tonight. Positives and negatives, and yes im sorry i am having a drink. but as much of a paradox as this sounds I feel tonight was a success. I knew deep down i would drink, but i think hey- i almost chickened out on the meeting and that would have been awful. I feel different drinking, like although the compulsion is here, I can sense, I just know now that if I go back (which of course I will) and work the steps, I'm going to beat this. (so please don't think im a hypocrit cos ive had 2 glasses of wine). I sort of... sense.. as if i know inside now that although I can't see how or the way yet, my sobriety is about to begin to come into fruition. This is going to be a rather confused post as theres so much in my head after 2night but il try 2 keep it concise although the order wil be random! 1. after a while of feeling uncomfortable, i felt a unity within that room that ive never felt before. 2. i feel proud, not ashamed for once. As you've said and I don't mean to sound boastful but it takes a lot of courage, and you have to swallow your pride to walk in there. I came out and thought of going home and talking to my mum about it like it was natural, like i was a school girl wanting to tell her mum what had happened at school. It was only then i realised she had thought i was at my friends house so i couldnt tell her. Normally when i feel that enthusiatic i think wow this is great but wouldnt it be better with a drink. This time i DIDNT. i felt elated, purely sober. 3. i was amazed at the turn out. it was packed. i live in windsor and thats not big but i was like- wow i'm not alone, and this disease is horrible but its ok, its not my fault just like its not these peoples fault. 4. a negative now, it went on 4eva and i was getting agitated like 'ffs would u shut up i wanna go home!' (im ashamed to admit that feeling cosi respect every1 in that room) but ive always been that way, i get panicky if im not home wen i had planned etc. sorry. 5. my mind kept changing unbelievably. one minute i was like this is good. it makes sense. then i was like 'serenity prayer?' 'higher power?' thats utter cr*p. Cos im finding it hard to believe. but then the guy sharing said he thought it was cr*p 2, it took him a while before he realised. which means im maybe not doomed... it also reminds me of something that happend 2 me recently. my parents were away and i was drinking more and more and i was scared. i went down to the cemetery where my nan's ashes are buried, and this was the first time i'd been since they were buried a year ago. I spoke, outloud to her and said 'Nanna, i need help'. I didn;t say why. A few days later my mum discovers i took a bottle of wine and drank it all by myself.... and i told her all about my depression (not the alcoholism yet), but it freakd me out. 6. finally (for now lol) this man gave me a copy of the big book and said 'read it' nicely. Leaving, i didn't feel ashamed to have it like i did when i left my 1st meeting with my newcomers stuff. i felt like 'yeh ok so i need this. just like a diabetic needs insulin, just like a cancer patient needs chemotherapy. what's there 2 be ashamed about?' sorry for the long post and thanks for the encouragement. im actualy looking 4ward to the next one xxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
Awesome ! If you're like me, you'll soon start to anticipate the meetings, and look forward to going. Give it some time, and keep going back. It worked for me ! ;) |
There are many friends waiting for you there... All you have to do is go and meet them! Ted |
i'm proud of you for going and happy to hear you will go back. blessings, k |
I'm glad that you went Maya. Good for you. Big hugs Karen |
woken up early and am feeling slightly shocked- 2 big (well, big for me) things have happened. 1. i had the most relevant dream. in it i pretty much was crying the whole time. i cried because my nan had died in the dream (which in real life happened a year ago), i cried for my ex ex boyfriend who i broke up with a year ago. i cried because of my recent ex boyfriend who in the dream asked someone else out in front of me (that never happened, hard to explain but his behaviour on our break up was equivalent in callousness). Finally, i cried because in the dream my brothers girlfriend, who is like my sister, died at 25. this, thank god, isn't true but it felt symbolic- like with all the stuff going on and my ocd/alcoholism/depression, this is too much to handle alone. 2. i wondered- shall i have a drink like i have done recently in the morns? it would be easy to do, yet a voice inside me said 'but WHY?' i realised i didnt want to feel drunk at all. Sorry this may seem like nothing to you but for me its like massive lights coming on and hints at 'something' going on.. |
Maya Something IS going on = the power of recovery and the power of the group of AA. You are a miracle. Keep going back. Listen to that inner voice. You CAN do this. I am so proud of you and your post brought tears to my eyes. I have never cried as much as I did in recovery - but you know what it's ok - it's real and you move on. Well done, girl! Cathy31 x |
Maya, there are lots of cute helpful sayings you hear at meetings and from your sponsor and so forth. One of them amounts to, "We wrecked your drinking", which is to say that drinking isn't the same again after you've got a good snoutful of AA. You said, "Sorry this may seem like nothing to you but for me its like massive lights coming on and hints at 'something' going on.." YES YES YES !! It means everything to me and no doubt to many others who are recovering via AA. I hope it's the miracle starting. Blessings from the Snowgoose. |
1. i had the most relevant dream. in it i pretty much was crying the whole time. i cried because my nan had died in the dream (which in real life happened a year ago), i cried for my ex ex boyfriend who i broke up with a year ago. i cried because of my recent ex boyfriend who in the dream asked someone else out in front of me (that never happened, hard to explain but his behaviour on our break up was equivalent in callousness). Finally, i cried because in the dream my brothers girlfriend, who is like my sister, died at 25. this, thank god, isn't true but it felt symbolic- like with all the stuff going on and my ocd/alcoholism/depression, this is too much to handle alone. As far as the emotions, you'll hear this eventually; "The good news is you get to feel, the bad news is you get to feel...." |
Maya, It is stories like yours that remind me just how special discovering AA and the "awakening of our spirit” can be. Thanks for allowing me to borrow a little of your magic. Perhaps only the look on the face of a five year old on Christmas morning comes close to our "discovery" of sobriety and the life that we can have if we choose to put down the drink and pick up the book. Best wishes and be good to yourself, you deserve it. Jon |
Maya Great for you going to AA with an open mind and heart. Yes, something is going on, but it will be at your pace. Just don't tempt the inevitable! If you don't have a sponsor yet, get one -- and get to work on Step One. There will come a point where "if you want what we have, you will go to any length to get it..." I remember when I got there. I do NOT recommend bouncing in and out of AA, but I did that -- 30 days, 60 days, I just could not string any time together. Then at some point, my body, mind and soul said "enough is enough." I had been whooped by alcohol and decided it was time to fully surrender. Isn't it ironic, that the freedom comes from surrendering? Keep the faith, and take everything right now one day at a time.... Keep going to meetings, listening with an open mind and heart, find a sponsor and get to work! NMB |
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