One Week Sober - Forever to Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Washington D.C.
Posts: 21
One Week Sober - Forever to Go
It's Sunday morning. One week and 8 hours since my last drink.
I've barreled through the worst (I think) physical effects of stopping drinking, and am feeling ok. I even slept last night for 5 1/2 hours! Falling asleep is the hardest. It's like I've forgotten how without passing out. The aches and pains are subsiding - but I still feel bodily bruised all over. The "fog" everyone mentioned feels as though it's lifting. The sun seems brighter, my focus is increased, I am more present and receptive. I'm also more in touch with my emotions...there in lies a gift and my next immediate challenge...
I'm feeling so much, so many things, and am overwhelmed...
For the positive, I'm feeling pride for having the discipline and courage to abstain for a week. I also feel optimism which has been so elusive. This site has given me so much hope. I am eternally greatful. SR has also been great company. I feel so much less isolated. Thank you all so very much.
On the otherhand, I see my situation and current life more clearly and am daunted. Besides SR, there is my husband (who is really struggling with forgiveness)... and that's it. I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to be social in any capacity. My husband hasn't trusted me to "behave" enough to take me out with professional friends. He's often told me I am a "liability" and "big disappointment". We've both let our friendships lapse for the same reason. I haven't worked for over 4 years, and have no referrences or skills. When you've become a kept drunk, and stop drinking - how do you claw your way back to a life? I've forgotten how to go out in to the world. I'm scared. I think if I could find a job, something for myself, I'd gain more confidence....but I don't know where to begin or what I have to offer...
Then there's my relationship. It's the hardest part. I know I needed to stop drinking for me, and I did. I was also given an ultimatum if I wanted to stay married, and I think that was and is more than reasonable. I was no one and nothing that contributed to our marriage and partnership at all drunk. I was incapable. I want to be present, loving, thoughtful, giving, a contributer.... I want to be an EQUAL partner, someone who loves, is loving, is self-sufficient and chooses to help our union - rather than be a burden or drain, and rely on him completely. The problem is stopping drinking (while huge and hard and a one day at a time struggle), is so just the beginning. My husband is SO ANGRY with me.
When I was drinking, my husband avoided me with 18 hour work days. I'd be passed out when he came home, and up briefly when he left in the am. He didn't want to catch my inane nonsensicle rants and abuse, and I'm so sorry for all of them. They weren't true emotions - all mean and ugly. Now, this week he's been coming home for dinner, we've been talking (though not about stopping drinking - he still hopes this is easy, and it'll just magically go away, and we can be a "normal" couple), we spent yesterday together. He's trying....but every little thing and he blows up and rants and brings up mean things I've said drunk. I don't blame his for being mad. He's entitled and just. I have been horribly abusive and cruel, selfish and lazy for over a decade. He's justified if he never forgives me...but I really hope someday he will. In the meantime, I'm just so sad. Just as I'm finding a little strength and feeling a little proud, he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am....let me know how far I have to go to even be "functioning". He's right....but God this sucks.
He's a good man, but he's so hurt, disappointed and angry. I've read of so much divorce...do spouses ever forgive? Do they let us forgive ourselves? Does your heart ever mend? I feel even lonelier for feeling so much more.
No need to respond - just feels good to "feel (and write) it through". I'm determined to not drink today and for as many it takes to follow to add up to "forever".
-No....
I've barreled through the worst (I think) physical effects of stopping drinking, and am feeling ok. I even slept last night for 5 1/2 hours! Falling asleep is the hardest. It's like I've forgotten how without passing out. The aches and pains are subsiding - but I still feel bodily bruised all over. The "fog" everyone mentioned feels as though it's lifting. The sun seems brighter, my focus is increased, I am more present and receptive. I'm also more in touch with my emotions...there in lies a gift and my next immediate challenge...
I'm feeling so much, so many things, and am overwhelmed...
For the positive, I'm feeling pride for having the discipline and courage to abstain for a week. I also feel optimism which has been so elusive. This site has given me so much hope. I am eternally greatful. SR has also been great company. I feel so much less isolated. Thank you all so very much.
On the otherhand, I see my situation and current life more clearly and am daunted. Besides SR, there is my husband (who is really struggling with forgiveness)... and that's it. I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to be social in any capacity. My husband hasn't trusted me to "behave" enough to take me out with professional friends. He's often told me I am a "liability" and "big disappointment". We've both let our friendships lapse for the same reason. I haven't worked for over 4 years, and have no referrences or skills. When you've become a kept drunk, and stop drinking - how do you claw your way back to a life? I've forgotten how to go out in to the world. I'm scared. I think if I could find a job, something for myself, I'd gain more confidence....but I don't know where to begin or what I have to offer...
Then there's my relationship. It's the hardest part. I know I needed to stop drinking for me, and I did. I was also given an ultimatum if I wanted to stay married, and I think that was and is more than reasonable. I was no one and nothing that contributed to our marriage and partnership at all drunk. I was incapable. I want to be present, loving, thoughtful, giving, a contributer.... I want to be an EQUAL partner, someone who loves, is loving, is self-sufficient and chooses to help our union - rather than be a burden or drain, and rely on him completely. The problem is stopping drinking (while huge and hard and a one day at a time struggle), is so just the beginning. My husband is SO ANGRY with me.
When I was drinking, my husband avoided me with 18 hour work days. I'd be passed out when he came home, and up briefly when he left in the am. He didn't want to catch my inane nonsensicle rants and abuse, and I'm so sorry for all of them. They weren't true emotions - all mean and ugly. Now, this week he's been coming home for dinner, we've been talking (though not about stopping drinking - he still hopes this is easy, and it'll just magically go away, and we can be a "normal" couple), we spent yesterday together. He's trying....but every little thing and he blows up and rants and brings up mean things I've said drunk. I don't blame his for being mad. He's entitled and just. I have been horribly abusive and cruel, selfish and lazy for over a decade. He's justified if he never forgives me...but I really hope someday he will. In the meantime, I'm just so sad. Just as I'm finding a little strength and feeling a little proud, he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am....let me know how far I have to go to even be "functioning". He's right....but God this sucks.
He's a good man, but he's so hurt, disappointed and angry. I've read of so much divorce...do spouses ever forgive? Do they let us forgive ourselves? Does your heart ever mend? I feel even lonelier for feeling so much more.
No need to respond - just feels good to "feel (and write) it through". I'm determined to not drink today and for as many it takes to follow to add up to "forever".
-No....
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Easy does it!!!! This thing we do takes time. As time goes on it won't be so much about avoiding the drink as it will be about living life. What I have found is that AA has given and is giving me the tools I need on a daily basis to live life as it comes at me. And sometimes it's as simple as leaving alone the feelings and thinking I have at any given moment. These new feelings we have when we get sober are wonderful. We haven't felt them in a very long time. But feelings aren't facts. And I don't have to react to them or make decisions based on them. The other thing I have found is that my alcoholic mind is a mine field and a very dangerous place. Another alcoholic can help me navigate the mine field that is my mind. My thinking is for entertainment purposes only. My spouse does not have the tools or experience to help me recover from alcoholism. However, I have found friends in AA that do and are willing to help me at any time. Now here is where another blessing comes into play.....My wife has been going to Alanon and learning to recover. I can't fix her and she can't fix me, and so we have both found that we need help from those that can help. I am continuosly told that it gets better and am finding that it is true. If I do what I am told it keeps getting better. Congrats on your sobriety. So far, I have been sober for 6 hours today. I've prayed to God to help me stay sober for today, I hit a 9:00am meeting, I'll talk to my sponsor shortly and hit a meeting tonight and if I don't do anything real stupid over the next 11 hours or so, I'll thank God for another day sober before I go to sleep. When I wake up sober in the morning, I'll have the same decision to make that I had this morning....Am I going to stay sober today? If that is my desire, then there is a solution.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Ahhhh, I remember when the worst of the withdraw was over, and life was sitting there staring me in the face. Yeah, overwhelmed, for sure !!!
I took baby steps at first. Things like getting the mail, taking out the trash, and doing some laundry where major accomplishments !
But more importantly, I focused on my recovery. AA daily, reading, talking to other alkies, working the steps, commitments and service......
Eventually, things started to get better little by little. And, the more I focused on recovery, the more opportunity and help my HP put in my path.
Anyway, work on your recovery. Things get better, and after the initial panic, time starts to go by rather quicky and you find yourself sober for a good chunk of time with circumstances that are much better than at first.
I took baby steps at first. Things like getting the mail, taking out the trash, and doing some laundry where major accomplishments !
But more importantly, I focused on my recovery. AA daily, reading, talking to other alkies, working the steps, commitments and service......
Eventually, things started to get better little by little. And, the more I focused on recovery, the more opportunity and help my HP put in my path.
Anyway, work on your recovery. Things get better, and after the initial panic, time starts to go by rather quicky and you find yourself sober for a good chunk of time with circumstances that are much better than at first.
No! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 558
I've said it before but I'll quite it again because it has helped me so much in the past - its from Isaiah Ch43 "Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine." God has forgiven you already and so you can forgive you - thats more important than anyone else forgiving you.
Other things that have really helped me are: acceptance, patience, gratitude. (I'm getting better with acceptance and think I'm quite good on the gratitude but have a bit of a way to go with patience.)
Meanwhile, congrats on 1 week sober.
Other things that have really helped me are: acceptance, patience, gratitude. (I'm getting better with acceptance and think I'm quite good on the gratitude but have a bit of a way to go with patience.)
Meanwhile, congrats on 1 week sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 86
Congratulations. Hang in there. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how he makes you feel. I think it is dangerous to be so accepting of his anger. You may end up with a very low opinion of yourself. I understand you feel terrible for the things you have done previously but focusing on these is definitely not the way to go. You were a couple during your alcohol career and you must work as one through your sobriety. As such he has to realize that his venom is more likely to push you toward a drink rather than pull you away. Aside from that it is actually very bad for him to think this way.
He's trying....but every little thing and he blows up and rants and brings up mean things I've said drunk. I don't blame his for being mad. He's entitled and just. I have been horribly abusive and cruel, selfish and lazy for over a decade. He's justified if he never forgives me...but I really hope someday he will. In the meantime, I'm just so sad. Just as I'm finding a little strength and feeling a little proud, he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am....let me know how far I have to go to even be "functioning". He's right....but God this sucks.
You are not pathetic. If you are than I certainly am, as are most forum members. We suffer from a disease as real as any other fatal illness. You have shown great tenacity and spirit in your quest for sobriety. That is certainly not a trivial matter. Your husband is right that you have a long way to go but it will get easier.
I really hope you are in AA, if not get there. You really need support through this especially if you have isolated yourself. I'm sure you are an absolutely wonderful person who had unfortunately become lost through a cunning, baffling and powerful substance. You are doing great.
Best wishes,
Shane.
He's trying....but every little thing and he blows up and rants and brings up mean things I've said drunk. I don't blame his for being mad. He's entitled and just. I have been horribly abusive and cruel, selfish and lazy for over a decade. He's justified if he never forgives me...but I really hope someday he will. In the meantime, I'm just so sad. Just as I'm finding a little strength and feeling a little proud, he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am....let me know how far I have to go to even be "functioning". He's right....but God this sucks.
You are not pathetic. If you are than I certainly am, as are most forum members. We suffer from a disease as real as any other fatal illness. You have shown great tenacity and spirit in your quest for sobriety. That is certainly not a trivial matter. Your husband is right that you have a long way to go but it will get easier.
I really hope you are in AA, if not get there. You really need support through this especially if you have isolated yourself. I'm sure you are an absolutely wonderful person who had unfortunately become lost through a cunning, baffling and powerful substance. You are doing great.
Best wishes,
Shane.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hey No,
Look at you!!! You've gone a week!! Way to go!! See, you CAN do it!!That being said:
"he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am".
Ah, this sort of statement is what pretty much triggered me in your private message and made it difficult for me to respond.
Honey, you have a disease. I'm sure that living with you wasn't a bed of roses when you were drinking, but no one deserves to be thought of or treated this way. Sounds pretty controlling to me. You sound very isolated as well. I wonder if you have read the sticky on abusive relationships. Unfortunately, I know what I'm talking about and I am seeing red flags all over the place. I say this with much respect and concern.
I really really hope that you can be able to try an AA meeting. You won't be so isolated there, and will start to feel better about yourself when you get to work on a program. Really.
((((Nobody)))
Karen
Look at you!!! You've gone a week!! Way to go!! See, you CAN do it!!That being said:
"he wants to remind me of how small and pathetic I still am".
Ah, this sort of statement is what pretty much triggered me in your private message and made it difficult for me to respond.
Honey, you have a disease. I'm sure that living with you wasn't a bed of roses when you were drinking, but no one deserves to be thought of or treated this way. Sounds pretty controlling to me. You sound very isolated as well. I wonder if you have read the sticky on abusive relationships. Unfortunately, I know what I'm talking about and I am seeing red flags all over the place. I say this with much respect and concern.
I really really hope that you can be able to try an AA meeting. You won't be so isolated there, and will start to feel better about yourself when you get to work on a program. Really.
((((Nobody)))
Karen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
Originally Posted by Signal30 
Darn Barto!!! I was going to say that...lol.
One day, one hour, one minute and one TASK at a time.
By taking it day by day, many people have had these days add up to a lifetime. It's gets easier.
Tom
One day, one hour, one minute and one TASK at a time.
By taking it day by day, many people have had these days add up to a lifetime. It's gets easier.
Tom
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