pineapple2007

They say alcoholics are not thinking like healthy people do. and that is why most times they push or do not want healthy people in their life.

But what about someone who is in recovery mode. Don't they want good for themselfs? so why do THEY push the good ones such as a significant other out of their life?????

anyone who has been through this (or anyone who knows) help me try to understand this one PLEASE..

lostmdboy

For me?!? All I wanted was to get drunk. i worked to buy alcohol. When not working I either drank, or planned when and how I was going to drink. My life was basically drinking. "Healthy people" as you call them wanted to limit my drinking so of course they had to go. That was againt what I wanted. I really can not comment on the person in recovery, because I have my own program. I am trying to earn the respect of others again, but it will take time.

Peter

Some relationships don't survive recovery. Recovery is about change and when people change they sometimes move on. This is especially true if only one person in the relationship is changing.

GlassPrisoner

I haven't really seen too much of that. Between the 9th step, and the chapter "To Wives", we learn to do the exact opposite.

Peter makes a good point. Even though "Daddy knows he is to blame" (again, see To Wives and The Family After) and works on recovery, often the entire family is sick. Sometimes due to the alcoholism, other times not. Usually probably a combination of the two.

If the spouse doesn't recover, or seek recovery, the recoverting alcoholic finds himself better, but living with someone who has many of the "-isms".

I know personally of two marriages where the alcoholic is recovering, but the spouse refuses to. It's uncomfortable they tell me, to say the least.

laurie6781

Most times when a person gets sober and/or clean there is a lot of work to be done on ones self. They don't know if they love the other person, hell they don't know if they love themselves.

In recovery we have to learn to like and love ourselves before we can even begin to look at another person in our lives, even if that person has been there all along.

Learning to like and love ourselves can take lots of time, sometimes even years. Its a long road!!!! It's a hard road!!!!!

SO's really are not at the top of the priority list.

I know some of your story from the 'Friends and Families Forum'......................NOW IS THE TIMETO WORK ON YOU!!!!!

Love and hugs,

BP44

When I put down the drink this last time, I was angry. I didn't want anyone around me and I didn't want to go back to AA. I was irritable for quite some time and my wife couldn't understand. Certainly since he's quit drinking, he should be all better, but he's worse than he was before. And I was. No longer did I have alcohol to soothe the demons in my head or calm my nerves. And I wasn't going anywhere for help, I was white knuckling it. This went on for quite some time. I just didn't have anything to give to my marriage. I was doing all I could to stay sober a day at a time. It took a long time, but finally I got back in AA and my wife got into Alanon, and life is getting better. As is our marriage. We each have a path in recovery and it's OUR path individually. I can't fix my wife and she can't fix me. Hope this helps

mike_mass

Some people just do not make very good spouses/significant others. Getting sober does not change this.

Tazman53

My first sponsor had his wife of 15+ years divorce him when he had about a year sober, she told him that he had changed.

Sometimes the recovering alcoholic who is married to some one with very low self esteem who has let the alcoholic walk all over them for years finds some one with low self esteem unappealing because they are becoming a better stronger person and their spouse still has no self worth. Some times it is out of guilt.

A recovering alcoholic is not the same person they were before they started drinking heavily nor are they the person who did drink heavily/alcoholicly, in order for an alcoholic to recover they have to change or they will either drink again or become a dry drunk which most of the time is worse then a wet drunk.

GrouchoTheCat

For so many years my only coping mechanism was alcohol.

Booze was how I coped with stress, sadness, shame, sorrow, emotional upsets, and yes, even joy, happiness and love.

When I put down the booze I had no clue as to how to cope with anything, including relationships.

I recently had an emotional crisis surrounding a medical diagnosis. After 7 months of sobriety I got drunk again because I could not cope.

Without a way to learn healthy ways to cope (as in AA and/or therepy) people don't know how to deal with these "new" emotions and often become sullen, angry and withdrawn (hence the "Dry Drunk syndrome").

In any event it will take time...

Just my theory,

Ted

Astro

I think you've got lots of good answers, pineapple. I probably can't add much. "Change" seems to be biggest wedge in recovery relationships, we become completely different people in sobriety, suddenly our SO isn't the person we originally fell in love with. Or, in a case like mine the damage had been done during 11 years of marriage and was irrepairable.

Yes, we want good for ourselves, we want to be freed from the wreckage of our past. But it's constant work, for me recovery is 24/7. It's a new way of life, and people who've known me for a long time don't always agree with or understand a program of recovery.