Opinions needed, 13th stepping ?
 

Major insomnia tonight. The first time in a while. Anyway...

What's the general consensus on an AA with 7 years sobriety (male) dating a female with 6 months ? They're keeping it a secret from the fellowship.

This is a friend of mine (the female). I also learned recently that in her 6 months, she also ended a long term relationship before dating this guy.

I'm interested in her, yes, but I also care for her. I really like her as a fellow AA and as a human being. I've watched her grow since she got a sponsor (who doesn't know), and I'm concerned. I'm just at a loss at what to do.

Do I just stay out of it ? It IS past my nose, and therefore none of my business.

Do I approach her ? She may think I'm jealous or have other ulterior motives.

Do I have someone else approach her ? Another female ? I don't think she's told her females friends. As a matter of fact, her females friends probably think her and I are doing the dance.

Do I tell her sponsor ?

And yes, I've prayed over it. Repeatedly. My gut says to pull her aside & have a talk with her. My gut says she's being 13th stepped. And my gut says he knows he's doing something he shouldn't be.

Yes Barb, if you're reading this, it's " her".

Hi GP, I know you are aware of this but, it sounds like youre pissed off because you like her.

I would either tell her I liked her myself or I would butt out. :)

I'd start attending other meetings for a while.

I PM'd you on this.

Ted

If she is your friend then talk to her and tell her how you feel and what your concerns are.

Actually I agree with Peter, sorry if my previous post sounded a bit curt or anything GP. :)

GP just my take on it, first I would talk to my sponsor, if I was going to talk to anyone else it would be some of the old timers who you trust and see what they think, they may pull the guy aside and have a talk to him. Possibly you could bring it up as a topic at a meeting.

If it was me I would speak to my sponsor, some old timers and drop it.

Be careful!!!!!

What Taz said!

GP...

I don't know that answer to this... it is way too complicated for me to even touch... My gut says something but I don't want to persuade you either way...

I would suggest analyzing your desired outcome and possilbe outcomes... and how the outcomes make you feel... and then work back and see if you can determine the motive for your actions...

ie... you pull her aside and talk to her... and

1.) she tells you off..
2.) she doesn't say anything... but nods and says she think about what you said
3.) she justifies her actions and attempts to debate with you
4.) she says she really likes you but you didn't seam interested...
5.) fill in the blank...

also you could take a look at the outcomes of not doing anything...

what do you want to happen... ?

... I don't know if this will help you but this kind of excercise has helped me analyse some very difficult decisions in my life...

Personally, I like the outcome of not doing anything.

And, as Debaucher said, what do you want to happen? You really must be mindful of your motives here, Tyrone.

I wouldn't get her sponsor or friends involved - too much drama.

If you talk to anyone, talk to your own sponsor - JMO.

You know I was just thinking about what my sponsor would say to me and what I would say to my sponsee........ "What are your motives? Check your motives!" If your motives are for your self then back off is what I would tell a sponsee, if they are for the good of the young woman then I would say speak to your sponsor and some old timers and get out of the picture.

When I was but three months sober in AA, in came a young man fresh from detox whose story resonated, and I responded by speaking to him. Next thing I knew, he asked me for a ride home.... well, I was listening to the "no major changes for a year" advice and was kind of surprised that he was interested in a romantic relationship. It did catch me off guard. What resulted was a friendship extremely grounded in AA. It happens we were the exception to the rule, and definitely worked the program together and stayed sober. That, of course, was quite a few 24hours ago and is still a friendship that we both know now was meant to be. But not, at least at that time, as a romantic relationship. Rather, our friendship is about sobriety.

When certain others in the program saw that we had gotten together, they were unhappy. I don't recall whether anyone spoke to him about it, but a couple of men who had their eyes on me expressed their unhappiness. I could understand their feelings, as they may well have been holding off because I was so early in sobriety. But I can state unequivocably that neither would have been in any way suitable, whereas the relationship that did happen was at least reasonably suitable. And the young man in question was so new to AA that he didn't even know what 13th stepping was yet.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I was a Big Girl and could make my own decisions, even in the fog of early sobriety. If I had preferred either of those other men, I would have done something about it.

I think you've gotten some good advice above, and I wish you the best in this frustrating situation. Been there, done that.

Blessings from the Snowgoose.

Remove AA suggestions from the picture. Remove alcohol from the picture.

Now what would you do if you see the same thing happening to a friend outside of AA?

A friend that is at a stage of being vulnerable...

Peter said it best I think.

When (if) you talk with her...remember she may be at a point of "feeling" a need to be comforted and you need do what is right. Help her away from him and she could grasp on to you. Replacement of one for the other isn't good either.
Be a friend but be watchful that you don't get pulled in by her feeling of need.

Wow, a lot of responses here.

I did tell her how I feel Saturday after we attended an AA BBQ together. She said nothing at first, but then called me later in the day and told me she's dating and wanted to keep it hidden from her sponsor and the group.

Check my motives.....I have been. That's why I was tossing and turning all night.

I called my sponsor Saturday immediately after the phone call. He said I did nothing wrong, that it was good I told her how I feel. I haven't told him her beau has 7 years sobriety.

One thing I've learned from this is I'm sooooooooo not ready for a relationship. This was just a little hickup, can you imagine if things were serious and this happened ?

I'm usually not a drama queen. This is so unlike me.

As a friend, I would of asked her... If nothing is wrong with what "he" is doing, why does "she" need hide it?

Guide her to check her motives.

As a AA member looking out for another AA member...I would say that they have both made a choice and will need deal with what comes of their choice...good or bad.

You did your part and helped in the best way you know how. The choice is their choice to accept your wisdom or do things their own way.

Exactly.

Update.

I called my sponsor *gasp*

He said: "OK, are you standing ?"

I said " Yes"

He said "Now, put your feet together and draw a line around them, about 1 foot square"

I said: " I see where this is going......anything beyond that is none of my business".

After that we laughed, and he again told me welcome to the human race.

OK, for anyone else in early sobriety. This is a lesson. That 1 year thing is there for a reason. I had a frigging' meltdown because my ego got bruised a little. If you do get yourself in a similar situation, call your sponsor, and talk to another alcoholic. Better yet, just don't get in that situation to begin with.

Thanks everyone.

Ha ha, Glass Prisoner, I like how you dealt with this struggle. I'm one, too, who gets in such a tangle about affairs of the heart, and I find it hard to take them lightly. I think you set a good example by reaching out both in person and online, to find a path here.

Best to you from the Snowgoose.