skolc

Just wondering what peoples thoughts are about getting invlved with or looking for someone at and AA meeting. I ask because for so long i have been going out with friends and drinking hoping to meet someone. i guess i drink because i feel lonely. not that i am deliberatley trying to go to AA to pick up chicks (i am not, seriously, just kidding) but does it happen? you go to bars and everyone has something in common; you are drinking. In AA you do not. Any thoughts?

barb dwyer

You know, Skolc - I don't have any definitive opinions on that, other than the advice that was given me right when I came back into the Fellowship ;

*to be read in a drippingly southern drawl*

"ya don't hunt yer own woods, ner fish yer own pond."

I personally believe, that if we're 'looking' for someone .. then we're not holding the space with HP. When HP is doing the guiding ... someone shows up. I also have to remind myself daily that I am in AA because I'm an alcoholic, and recovery .. has to be the first and formost in all things I do. I know I won't make it if I can't hold that space.

I know that sucks to read if you're in 'the lonlies' and I hate to think it when *I* am in 'the lonlies' ... but it's been the way it's worked for me. We had a wedding just last year two people who met in the rooms - so I know it does happen.

stone

Personally, I am still waiting to be 13th stepped!

best

We are all sick. Some more then others.
#1 should be getting ourself well.

Once well...the sky is the limit.

I had seen someone post it like this...

When you reach into a bag of nuts, what will you bring out of the bag?

If peanuts are what your looking for....

barb dwyer

******{Stone }}}}

BP44

I too once thought that AA would be the perfect place to meet a mate. I was rebounding from my first relapse, and my sponsor at the time came down on me hard when I started chasing one of his wife's sponsees. It pissed me off so bad, I left my home group and my sponsor....I obviously wasn't ready. I hung around AA for awhile, and got drunk again 7 years later, but in looking back, and doing the deal now, I know I could have learned an awful lot from that man if I had not let ego and pride get in the way. The reality was, I was in no shape to be in a relationship, and when I was, 2 years later I met my wife in the most unlikely of places. Of course, I thought getting married meant I was cured and well. That and work came before sobriety, so eventually, sobriety would go. We are both in recovery now, me in AA, her in Alanon, but it hasn't been an easy road, but it is a great journey. The other thing I would say is that I have seen some lives ruined from 13th stepping. And quite frankly, I consider it predatory behavior. I know that when I was interested in picking that girl ( the sponsee ) up so many years ago, I did NOT have her best interests in mind. I was after having my needs fulfilled. And that's just being honest. I was in predator mode, but I didn't think so at the time.

barb dwyer

we're not bad people trying to be good.

we're sick people ...trying to get well.

Missymae737

Interesting subject,

Well, this is how I feel. I have nothing to offer anyone of the opposite sex...I am to wrapped up in staying sober...I am wrapped up in my program of recovery. It wouldn't be fair to anyone being in an intimate relationship...

Why would I want to take the chance of having my heart ripped out!!! Most likely I'd end up drowning my sorrows in a bottle again...

When the time is right it will happen, a healthy relationship...

stone

Yep, me too.

skolc

Could you explain predatory behavior and how it relates to the alcholic or that kind of behaviorr in general? Never heard that term before but it strikes a cord.

fraankie

well, i never did it
but
i remember one qualification
i know, what we hear here, etc
the speaker mentioned he came to AA to find someone
the thing is he worked the program
and
didn't do the predator thing
i didn't believe it
but
i've seen it



best
fraankie

Aducksdelight

I've been thinking about this myself. I get so lonely and haven't had a positive relationship in a really long time. I am very new to sobriety and my sponsor suggested I not consider having a relationship for at least six months, if not over a year. She said during this time I need to be as devoted as I possibly can to my recovery (of course, for the rest of my life as well) and that a relationship could damage what I have built for myself and lead to relapse. Frankly, I think I am too f**ked up to have any semblance of a positive relationship, so I'll wait and see what my HP has to say about it.

barb dwyer

I'm trying to put HP where I've always thought a man should be.

With as many 'bad' relationships as I've had ...
maybe a 'man' should be someplace else for a while.
I mean - in my head. In my priorities.

See? I don't know what I mean...LOL

I'd put a man in the place where I should be holding and cherishing a relationship with the Infinite ... in a second.
It's all I know.
Until I learn better ... I think catch and release is the way to go.

With total. Complete. Honesty.
No e-z outs. No hedged bets.
No second string. None of that any more.

For the first time in my life ... I actually believe...
I deserve to see what such a relationship might be like.

ha! That's cool enough for me for now.

SaTiT

Hey why esle would i make the effort and go to that extra meeting
on time and hang out after..lol Makesure I put my # on the list, which
I usually don't. Start reading the book, get a sponsor and maybe
even do service, and work the step, which i usually don't.lol
okay maybe something knows me better than me and the lord
dose work mysterious ways

But be careful what you ask for becuase you might get it.
I actaully had my eyes on someone else then my GF
asked me out..lol the lord really works in mysterious ways.
Ain't nothing like a relationship that'll get you to pray and
call your sponsor.lol

Some people don't really understand at...that's okay
if you're seriouly about recovery get into a relationship.lol
it's all about relationships...that if you just follow a simple
suggestion of "don't drink no matter what "and have those
motives all checked.

How else would you learn to put things in proper order if you
put it to the test and have hands on or experince.
I've seen people that's been sober for years and years
and are miserable as hell becuase of fear of loving and living again.

Through my experince, i learned. after some practicing and
falling on my ass..but that's okay, some people call it growning
pains. Growning pains comes reguardless of forms on the surface.
If not through a relationshi[p then it would come to me in other ways, anywho.
I'm excactly where i'm suppost to be..but then agin..There's certain things
that i grasp..i have faith even if i don't belief.
Some people call it trust.

life is not without pains and not being NUMB anymore..obvilouely
I'm going to feel pain eventaully. just don't wanna make it chornic as
anybody would. Can you accept that ?

A relationship with my HP
then myself
then someone else

If you read the 12 and 12..there promise's in there for 2 alki getting together.
But I did read the BB before i ever got to the 12 and 12 thou

aasharon90

Barb....Well said....SIMPLE yet to the point....

I like that......

I was waiting to read somethin that actually
made sense to me....I mean i understand
what folks r tryin to say but you have written
here in recovery terms .....

You can hear the same thing many times but its
not until u r really ready to hear and believe the
truth then nothing else will make sense....

See im remainin teachable,,,,,so this think skull
my be softenin up a tad to understand, comprehend.

Barb ....add more wisdom on this topic anytime....
It and you r so much appreciated....

Too bad i dont have a printer....id print what u wrote
in HUGE LARGE words and attach it on the wall ....

Thank you so much..!

barb dwyer

wow.
thank you, ****{sharon}}}

BP44

Skolc, what I mean by predatory behavior is that 13th stepping or trying to hook up with someone who is early in sobriety is predatory behavior in my mind. For me, it didn't matter that I was early in sobriety too. The fact of the matter is that two sick people do not make one whole person. And me wanting to satisfy my "wants" at the potential risk of another is just selfish and self centered. I could not see it then. I see it clearly now. You will see people with some time in the program go after women with less than 30 days. I consider that predatory behavior. I know that 13th stepping is a topic that stirs up a lot. We've had heated group conscience about it. Thank God for that. It goes in cycles it seems. But there is always someone with some real sobriety who will share at some point in time with a bold opinion, " Don't F**K the newcomers!!!!"

barb dwyer

I think BP means, knowing if someone isn't stable in their recovery, or knowing they haven't had enough time and 'moving in' or worse - letting the diesase make the decisions. Or even reverting to bar behavior about it. Because there isn't anything about learned bar behavior ... that's healthy.

And yes - I agree about it being selfish.

am I right, BP?

I've seen it, too.

Just because someone is in recovery ... doesn't mean they're well.

Dee74

I'm resisting the urge to add 'and I'm the proof'...

lots of good advice here. Don't look. Recover. Be led to something new different and wonderful. Eventually. God's Time. Not Ours.

BP44

Barb and Dee....nail being hit squarely with the hammer. Here's the other thing and I've found this to be important. I met my wife when I was 2 years sober. I was pretty stable in my recovery and it was even recommended that if the right someone should come along that I should welcome it. Well, that did happen. Along with recovery type things I branched out into a singles outdoor adventure group. And that's where I met my wife. We had both signed up for a horseback riding outing and we met at the meeting place, a McDonald's of all places. We were all getting breakfast and she was in a booth behind me and heard me running my mouth, and decided she had to meet me. As our relationship grew, I felt even more "well". She is an earthy kinda normie type person. However she's not attending Alanon for the entertainment value. We both knew back then who one another was, I an alcoholic, she an earth person. Or so we thought. I can remember her asking me if I thought I might be able to drink again. I was confident then that I could not. And she really didn't get it, but accepted it nontheless. As I got away from recovery, that insidious thought crept in ever more subtely. The insanity was returning, but I didn't know it. Nor did she. And eventually I was able to con her and myself in to the belief that " IT WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME ". Those are boldened letters for a reason. My sponsor has made me promise I will say this if or when I think about the first drink. It is the return of insanity. We would eventually drink together, she would drink one or two, and I would go on to oblivion. This would go on for a solid year and a half. Until we both had a moment of clarity after I left one night and drove around the county in a blackout. That's when the rubber met the road once again. Anyway, long story, but it's part of mine. The point is we are each getting better. One day at a time. One meeting at a time. It's a journey not a destination.