Oof

Hey everybody. I went to detox on Monday, came out Wednesday, and haven't had anything to drink since. I haven't had any cravings either, and feel really good about stopping drinking.

I am concerned about one thing, though. I'm 23, virtually all my friends drink (most of them are not alcoholics, I believe), and I don't know how I can really hang out with them anymore, at least at night. I don't think it would be smart to go to bars, but that's basically what my friends do. Any advice?

barb dwyer

yes,.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

A whole new set of friends.

Anyone ... helping you die ... is not a friend.

CarolD

Wow! I am so pleased to see you are
doing well....Way To Go!

Ok...I can tell you what I did.
All my friends were drinkers too
and our social life always contained drinking.

I tried to interest them in other activities
movies...dinners out...anything out of bars...
but they were not interested.

It was a lonely time for me.

In AA meetings I made new friends.
We had the same goals and lifestyles.

We did all sorts of things as a group
and we all stayed sober...

Not all friendships are forever
We often move on as we change.

Take care of you....because no one else will.

needtobefree

In some respects I'm not able to comment as I don't go to bars and clubs since I moved here.

I think making new friends that are sober is a good idea. The ppl that I've met at AA (I've only been twice) seem very intent on recovery and sobriety being priority. There are other support groups out there too, just a case of tracking them down.

Congrats on your progress so far and good luck :0)

RedFox

Honestly, I haven't hung out with the friends that I hung out with before I stopped drinking. All they want to do is go to the bars, clubs, or have huge parties at their places. But since I finally put my foot down and started saying no we haven't hung out since. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I'm just telling the truth. I try to get them to get together to go to a movie or out to eat, but that never seems to happen for some reason. I'm still working on finding friends who don't think drinking is the only way to have fun.

Edit: Forgot to mention that I'm a 21 yr old university student, so I pretty much know how you feel. I was one of the first out of my group to turn 21, so now that everyone else is legal that's ALL they want to do. It's pretty damn annoying. I went out with them a couple times where I didn't drink, before my last relapse, and they got completely plastered. I don't think they know how stupid they look or sound, I know I didn't.

barb dwyer

Young or old - your 'real' friends ... are going to be the ones who don't want you to drink. Even young people can see that we don't behave like others when we're drinking.

It takes some maturity to realize that , I understand.
But it's an understanding that can save a life.

GlassPrisoner

I scoffed at the "You'll make new friends in AA". Until I made a bunch of friends in AA. Friends that call when I'm not at a meeting. Friends that ask how I am, and know about my personal life. Friends that loan cars and money. You know, people that, like, care ?

And it works both ways. If I don't see you at a regular meeting, I'll ask around. If I have your number, I'll call. Need a ride ? If my cars running, no prob. Need advice ? If I have experience, I'll suggest something. If not, I still might give you my opinion (and tell you it's only my opinion) Need money ? If I have it, sure.

Oof

While I appreciate everyone's advice, I don't feel it's as simple as making a whole new group of friends. I have known some of these guys since I was 10. They are my best friends in the world. Also, they're good people. I don't think me telling them I'm not drinking anymore will make them look down on me. It just precludes us from hanging out as much, which will make it harder to keep the relationships strong.

I've known most of my truly good friends between 10-15 years. I'm not ready to just stop seeing them. Any thoughts at all about this are appreciated.

GlassPrisoner

OK.

I still have my old friends. Darryl, I've known since 3rd grade. (35 years) Mike and Cale, over 20 years. We still hang out, and they drink. They're very supportive of my sobriety, like a good friend should be. We still laugh and share old times too. But we see each other infrequently. Only because we're aging and have our own lifes, not because I quit drinking.

I see my AA friends every day. and, just not at meetings (we're everywhere)

I was referring more to "drinking buddies"

RedFox

I didn't purposely stop seeing them. It's just that every time I did see them it happened to be while everybody was drinking and since I don't do that anymore, I don't see them anymore. I'm still making an effort to get together with them. I just have to try harder. I'm actually working on planning something for next week, hopefully it'll actually happen.

HealingAgain

That is a really hard situation. And I'm sure you are super lonely and discombobulated right now. I don't know if this will help at all, but I really wish you success at your sobriety, more than I can tell you here. I just divorced an alcoholic/addict and have spent lots of time doing my own partying and experimenting in past years, mostly with him. Several of my close friends were a part of all that too. It took me a long time to really understand why being intoxicated (even on things other than substances! - money, love, whatever) is just unhealthy and damaging to a person. I hate to say it, but many of those partying times were really fun, and yeah, the friends I was around are really good people too.

After all I went through with my ex, and being a parent now, I don't have more than a taste of wine in a month. It just doesn't sit right anymore - no fun. And of course, any drugs are so far gone from possibility. These friends that I'm still close to still go out and drink, and they smoke pot too. I had a really hard time with that (felt like a big hypocrite) but have talked to them and let them know that I don't ever want it around myself or my daughter. They understand and totally respect it. I still hate that they do the things they do, but I can't change them, and we are able to maintain the friendships where substances don't come into play. It's definitely not perfect, but we all chose to stay friends and I'm glad. There are a lot of newer friends in my life that I can relate to much better, they're deeper friendships without those taboo topics that get glossed over. It's possible, but it's kind of like being a rookie basketball player that plays with more skilled players in order to improve himself, instead of settling for being the best of his "group".

It's possible to maintain friendships, but these people that you are missing - do you have anything to talk about with them, without alcohol being around? Like do you really know what your friendship is based on, besides history & familiarity? This is really the time to find out. It's true that if they don't support your sobriety, they really don't care for you the way you think. Or, if there aren't really times when they aren't drinking or partying that you can spend with them, oh god, please don't do it and rely on your willpower. Do they think you are worth spending time with without booze around? If not, they just aren't true friends. Have you told them how much of a problem it has been for you? I know it is hard to make new friends, but it is possible. You have a new chance to effectively find some new interests, and I'm not talking just busy-work, but now you can aim you life in a better direction. Like taking a class, joining some sort of group depending on what you are into - hiking, jogging, politics, art, rock-climbing, whatever. Just don't settle back into a pseudo-comfort zone. I hope you stay strong. I'm so happy to hear that you are sober.

findingout

The hard part about putting our recovery first is putting our recovery first when it would be easier not to. I told everybody who was still in my life at the end that I had given up drinking and why I had given up drinking, including some of things I would have preferred to keep to myself. Some of those people were very supportive and some of those people are no longer in my life. The first time I said "No" to going out to shoot some pool because I had an A.A. meeting to attend was the last time I was asked to go out and shoot pool with those particular people...

But that is the way it had to be if I was going to succeed in recovery. I think we set our patterns for recovery in the first couple months (perhaps that's why the 90 and 90?) and then embellish and embroider those patterns as we move on into long term sobriety. If I start out with the idea that I don't have to change anything significant or I'm not going to risk changing anything significant besides putting the alcohol in my body, then I'm leaving the whole structure of my using life in place, ready and waiting to slip back into as soon as things start to get a little difficult or I get a little bored with being sober.

For me, that would not have worked.

splendra

As an oldster looking back to when I was 23 with the exception of family members there is only one friend that remains in my life and thank god he quit drinking around the same time I did.

You never know how you quitting drinking may influence your friends. Some of them will feel they don't have anything in common with you any more maybe a couple of them will want what you have...

In the grand scheme of things to have one or two real friends is a real blessing.

I am hoping you will continue on with your recovery and not worry too much about how to keep up with your drinking buddies and then be amazed and pleased with who is trying to find you. The ones who are making the effort to meet you where you are are the ones who you might find to be your real friends.

Just be careful that you don't run to the other side of addiction which is co-dependency which is every bit as painful as being an active alcoholic...

Peter

Advice ? Okay.

Stay away from your "friends". Find the nearest AA meeting and attend 90 meetings in 90 days.After that you can reassess your relationships with your "friends".

Tasma

I still enjoy hanging out with drinking friends but only up to a point. The moderate drinkers can usually understand the fact that you don't want to drink. It's the hardcore drinkers that can become a problem.

Was out yest with some friends and this particular one (very drunk) kept on saying he couldn't believe I wasn't gonna have at least one drink. Then he got lost in a crowd and was impossible to find when we were leaving. We eventually had to prise him away from some equally plastered girl he "just met".

If anything seeing him reinforces my commitment not to drink.

GrouchoTheCat

When I was drinking I hung out with people who drank.
I would not even go into a restaurant that didn't serve beer or booze.

Now I have friends who don't drink.

The AA concepts are simple but they are not easy, many have found that they had to change People, Places and Things in their lives that revolved around alcohol.

I smoke but I don't buy my cigaretts in a liquor store.

Solitaire

I think you largely should stay out of bars until you are more secure in your sobriety. And you absolutely should tell your friends that you've stopped drinking and you were in detox. You may be surprised, they may show great imagination in finding activities that don't involve hanging out in bars.

Once they know that you've quit drinking and why, if they pressure you to drink, then I agree with the posters who say that those people are not your friends. But I wouldn't pre-emptively write off your friends just because they still drink.

Oh, and go to AA. You WILL make new friends there... and they can either be instead of or in addition to your old friends.

parentrecovers

hey oof, my daughter is your age and this is a big issue for her too. i will tell you this - she has relapsed twice and both times it was with old friends..

lot of young people in aa in your area - try meetings in lincoln park. there's a big young people's meeting at 8:15 on sunday nights at a church down on fullerton. many of them go out afterwards.

blessings, k

hopeOct31

I had to go through the same thing, and it was VERY painful to have to cut off contact with a lot of friends. Those people who had been in my life since I was little were good enough friends that they were willing to go to coffee with me or other activities without alcohol.

Now that it has been 2 years since I had to make that choice, I still have the close friends that were true friends. Sometimes I miss the drinking friends, but my life is so much better now and I have new friends in AA, so I am so glad I made that difficult decision. I couldn't have stayed sober while hanging out in bars, parties, etc. I had tried!

Tom

I hung out with my friends during my recent stretch 12 days of sobriety. Nobody looked down on me or prodded me to drink. In fact, everyone was very supportive. And I didn't want a drink those 12 days. Some of these friends are light to moderate drinkers, and maybe one or two you would consider heavy drinkers. None of them cared at all that I was not drinking, and actually they were very supportive of my desire to stop. I started to drink again after a bad day at work, and most of these people were upset that I started again. I guess my point is that my craving for alcohol does not depend on whom I am with or where I am, but on how I react to certain emotions and stress factors in my life. But, of course, we are all different.