Jusbecawz

My husband is trying to quit and was sober for 13 days and he took a few drinks on the 14th day and lied when I asked about it as well as the same tonite, the 16th day. I approached him with wanting a divorce, a protection against abuse order ( which I dropped ) and my family had turned against him, all of this which he said made him want to quit and he said he no longer had the desire. He has been a heavy whiskey drinker for the last 12 years and is facing a pending felony DUI charge which he is innocent of. This pending charge is driving him nuts and along with the alcohol he has became violent toward me. I am at my limits but decided to give him one more chance recently, only to be lied to and he is showing signs of starting up again. I need help on what I need to do to help him at this point, as I truly believe he wants help but will not reach out for it. any replys will be so greatly appreciated.....thank you

The Jay Walker

Jusbecawz

Hi and Welcome to the SR forums.

have you tried Alanon, it really helped my wife.

I know that untill I was ready, nothing anybody said could get me to stop drinking, sorry I dont have any words of wisdom, hopefully somebody will come by with some ideas for you, Hang in there.

pierced_crazy

Check out the thread under this one, there's some good advice in there

Peter

Hi Jusbecawz.Welcome to SR.

I hear your pain and your story brings back unpleasant memories of my own drinking days.

If you say your husband has"lost the desire to stop using" then I am afraid this will make treatment virtually impossible.

In my final days of drinking I too realized I desperately needed help but was unwilling to let go of the bottle because I was afraid to face the painful realites of what my life had become.

I found help in Alcoholics Anonymous and if your husband has never been to a meeting perhaps you could try encouraging him to attend one.Maybe you could even try attending an "open" meeting with him if you want to offer some support.

The Alcoholics Anonymous basic text also has some valuable information about recovery from alcoholism and you may find some information in it to better help you to understand the nature of the illness.

At the same time you also need to start looking out for yourself,especially if you say he is starting to get violent.

Alanon is a wonderful programme for people who have had very similar experiences to what you described and they may be able to offer some support.I highly recommend that you try to find an Alanon meeting close to you.

Alcoholism can be devastating but people do recover.However treatment has to start with a "willingness" in the individual to stop drinking.

Peter.

justaround

Has your husband attended any sort of rehabillitation, whether it be outpatient or inpatient? If he is a continuing chronic relapser even when it is putting his family life at risk, then rehab might be one of his few choices. I find it hard to believe that he may be able to do this on his own and I understand your situation. If he isn't willing to open up and admit about his alcoholism, it would be really hard to get him to even go through a rehab. This is my only suggestion unless he is willing to attend some AA meetings.

In the mean time I think that it would be really helpful for you to go check out some Alanon. You will meet many people in the same situation as you and with some great advice. I haven't personally been to any for I was on the other side of the addiction aspect which doesn't just effect the one addicted as you know.

LettingGo

Justbecawz.... Glad to have you here! I am a member of AA and Alanon! What is that called? A double winner I think... LOL. Anyways I can relate to how you feel. My Ex husband was my A, and it was torture. I knew that things had to stop but no matter what I did, what I said, what I dumped down the drain, what I found, how many times I proved to him that I knew he was using, it just didn't matter. One thing I think you are going to have to come to terms with is that Alchoholics/addicts are consumed with getting their high. They talk a lot of crap (myself included here) and show you nothing. This will disappoint you and break your heart time and time again Im afraid. I think the best thing that you could do for your A is help your self. I know that sounds crazy but you, and I repeat, you cannot help him! He must do this for himself. I encourage you to take a step out of the chaos, look at the situation from a little different perspective. Look at it and see what you might be doing that you can change. I am telling you that realising that you can make changes within that will give you peace regardless of what he is doing is absolutley empowering. It is a wonderful thing to rid yourself of those chains. It takes such a burden off of your shoulders when you realise that you have no control over anyone but yourself. This is very difficult at first. It is tough to step back and see what role you are playing in the chaos. It is tough to admit you are wrong in enabling your A. It is tough to love someone so much that you would do anything for them, and then watch them kill themselves slowly. Well if you would do anything for them, then give yourself the same opportunity and do something to save yourself. You should talk to the people on the Alanon board. We all have the same story with different details, but the same story still. I hope you find some peace.

marilyn s

Hi,

I agree with all of the advice already given here. I am an alcoholic, and what Peter said about not wanting to give up the alcohol yet (even though I was desperately depressed) because of being afraid to face painful realities was true for me too.
Your husband has to be ready to go to any lengths necessary to achieve sobriety. It's hard to let go of the alcohol even when you're doing all of the right things. I've been working on my sobriety for the first time over the last year. I went to a recovery program last May, and stayed sober 8 months before starting to relapse. I didn't want to go to AA meetings, I thought I could do it without daily meetings or a program of some sort. I just finished my second recovery program, which was an intensive 4 week outpatient, 6 days a week 8 hours a day. Now, I'm going to daily meetings, and have a sponser, and I intend to work the 12 steps to deal with all of the issues that have kept me using. I also see a therapist who has experience with addictions once a week, and my Dr. who prescribes my meds is an addiction specialist. Even while doing all of these things I still get strong urges to drink, so your husband saying that he has 'lost the desire' is basically of load of BS.
Take care of yourself. Until your husband is ready to really work on sobriety, he's not going to change, it will only get worse. You can be supportive to his going to a recovery program , which an inpatient intensive program sounds like the best bet to me, but take care of yourself first.

tuner

Why is loosing the desire to drink, "A load of BS?

screen3

I'm sure I'll get some flack for this, but if he is becoming violent, maybe you should call the police. That is TOTALLY unacceptable, drunk or not. Maybe then he'll "hit bottom" and have the desire to stop drinking. And how do you know he's innocent of his drunk driving charge? If you know he's been lying to you, well, he's a liar and may be lying about that too.

Music

It's a load of BS because he's still drinking.....? Just his way of buying time.
I agree with screen3. Reinstate the order of protection and let him face his own charges of DUI.
I went to Al-anon for a while prior to my coming to AA and the first thing I learned was to "Detatch with love" and to stop enabling.
He needs a good reason to lose the desire to drink and I think saving his own ass might do the trick. He's got to quit for himself and he has to hurt enough to make quiting a good idea.

redrose51

Hello to all. my husband is presently in a inpatient rehab for pysd and bipolar and his drinking problem. would you please explainwwhat this enabler is. he told me that once, and I really dont understand what it means. he was doing really well up until, aboutn2 weeks ago, and then all hell broke loose. he seems very cold and indifferent. he can come home for a couple hours now and then. today he came home unshaven and was suppose to goto church, but his choice was not too. he did come home today and was alittle better than yesterday, but very cold and indiffernet. could anyone explain why? or did he come home just because he needed his laundry done, sorry. but hes alot different this time. I can relaye to all of what each of you have said. the promises, etc. broken hesrts, all that stuff. I dont drink and never have. but on the other hand trying to build trust in him is very hard, he always askes wjhy can you trust me and have faith in me. well how can you when the promises are all broken again, and he stashes money and looks everywhere for money. he did go out an buy an very expensive truck so you see I can relate to him beiong on a high, but now we really cant afford it, and theres no convincing him otherwise.it comes down to the truck or food, etc. and paying the bills and trying to make ends meet here. does anyone understand. very frustrated.
thanks
redrose

Peter

"Enabling" is not something that is easily defined.

I become an "enabler" when despite my best intentions to help the addict to overcome his disease I only succeed in creating an environment that allows him to perpetuate his using.

I can be an "enabler" by providing food,clothing,money,shelter or emotional support etc for the addict.

I "enable" an addict when I dont allow them to experience the consequences of their own actions.

Peter.

screen3

"Enabler" is a nice term for "Sucker".

munchdaddy

Screen3,
If you are going to quote Jack, do us all a favor and limit that to the quotes that are in fact helpful, and try to stay away from his “shock jock” / get his name in the paper ones.

screen3

Munch,

Hmmm.... something helpful........ stop being a *****. That should help you.

tuner

To Marilyns: Sorry. I misread your post. I didn't realize that your husband was still drinking. Hope that he stops! Best of luck

justaround

Redrose,
Your husband is going to have to get off the alcohol before the bipolar can even begin to start being treated correctly. I'm sure that the inpatient rehab will be a great start. Once he stops drinking then he can be put on medication and start to feel the benefits. He will never reep the benefits until he stops drinking though. In fact the medication and alcohol combination might make things much worse. He HAS to stay on his medication though to get anywhere, he sounds like he has a bad case of bipolar. Very manic. I suffer from bipolar also, but I don't have to "suffer" from it as long as I'm clean and take my medication. At first it may sound overwhelming with all the meds they may give him but over time he won't have to take as much. I can relate to his bouts of mania, it may sound like he is having fun but that is not always the case. I became very irritable and aggresive while manic and using.

redrose51

Dear justaround. would you please explain what you mean by mania, etc. he knows hes not suppose to drink and take his medications. hes been on it so long he knows how long he can go without taking his meds.so please ex-plain.
yhanks
p

justaround

Bi-polar used to be known as manic-depression because of the flucuation of emotions. Manic and depression. Usually someone in a manic stage stays out all night, buys expensive things that they may or may not be able to afford, may or may not seem irritable and aggresive, has a racing mind with too many ideas at once, ignores personal hygeine, uses drugs or alcohol, gets little to no sleep, and may ask permiscuise.

These are just a few of the symptoms of someone in a manic stage. They may not all be present.

Some people who suffer from bipolar lean more toward the depression side, some more toward the manic side.

Those who have been on medication and take it on and off insteed of staying on it create more mania than they had before and usually gets worse.

Alcohol defeats the effects of mood-stabilizers and produces even more mood swings.

Once started on medication, the patient is usually meant to be on it for life, it is like insulin to the diabetic.

This is why I would suggest him cleaning up in a rehabillitation and then getting his medications corrected all in a faucility because bipolar patients usually don't like taking their medication.

redrose51

dear just around. you hit the nail on the head. my familymember of whioch Im speaking of is in rehab now and does exactly as you said. how do we curtail this once the rehab is done. I cant go into detail as he also reads thisa website. anyways. what advice do you have for me when all this is done and we are back on a normal schedule? if that ever happens. sorry, just fearful as we have gone throught this so many times, in the few years that we have been together. what is very frustrating, is that he knows what he is doing and does it anyways. why is it. so Im told that he knows what hes doing, and knows what the outcome is going to be. so why the broken record if you will. tryiong to understand all this. yes and we do have trouble at times about taking the meds. what should we do about that?
sorry for all the questions, just fearful.
thanks